Please read the other forums in order to get an idea as to what you are dealing with. We are all different, but I can tell you for a fact.
1. As a guy I have never cried so much in my life! Every day for 3 months. 7 years later I still have moments
2. We want to believe everything is okay, we want to pretend normal, but inside we are a mess. The emotions are so overwhelming that we begin yo think we are crazy and somehow we are broken. It takes community with others to see that what we are going through is normal.
3. At a month out, he is still in shock
4. Talking to you is dangerous. He wants to, but he is wrestling with his wife, best friend and lover treating him in such a manner. The trust is not just broken between you two, but everyone else is now in question. The world is no longer safe.
5. One of the best things you can do is to recognize that you are not safe. You need a major rewrite of your brain. Specifically you need to heal your trauma, figure your whys out, fix that, and….
7. Recognize that guilt, I did something bad, is a motivating force. Shame on the other hand, says I am bad, or as you stated below evil. I’m fairly certain you are not evil or you wouldn’t be here. You do need to work on your shame.
The longer you wait to heal yourself, the more damage you do.