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Newest Member: Usedandneverloved

Wayward Side :
A month post d-day

Topic is Sleeping.

 redwoodforest (original poster new member #83671) posted at 2:19 PM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

A little over a month post d-day. Things got better for a bit and I assumed the very worst was over but this past week has been just about as bad.

Yesterday we were trying to move some furniture and he was so angry and so irritable and I was trying really hard to be patient but it was triggering my PTSD. Eventually I started crying. We both spent most of the night separately having our own massive breakdowns.

He doesn't talk to me anymore. He doesn't talk to anyone anymore. He just sits with all his feelings until they bubble up and come out and are too much. No matter how much I encourage him to talk to someone like a friend about this if he doesn't want to talk to me he doesn't. I know he might not be ready but I hate to see him hold onto all of this so tightly. I don't know.

I am starting to become depressed. Like, things other than just this are bothering me. Feels like I'm back to square one with the guilt. Been trying to rationalize to myself that I am not evil I just did a bad thing and need to work on myself but I have to be honest, I am starting to wonder if my therapist might suggest inpatient soon because I feel like something is very wrong with me and that it would be better for everyone if I weren't here.

I'm sorry for the heavy post I just feel very alone right now. My best friend is in so much pain because of me. I don't know what else I can be doing. I'm so sad all the time and I don't enjoy anything anymore. Thank you for reading, I just needed to get these thoughts out somewhere.

[This message edited by redwoodforest at 2:29 PM, Tuesday, August 29th]

Please no private messages.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2023
id 8805911

WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

First and foremost, if you feel suicidal please get help. If you feel inpatient treatment is best for you, then do that too.

I know this seems hopeless right now, but with time and work things do get better.

Infidelity is a viscous cycle. The WS often engages in wayward behavior out of poor coping mechanisms, insecurities, negative self talk, looking for that high to fill the bottomless bucket. After a DDay, all of our worst insecurities whether they were made or real prior to the affair, seem to come to fruition. We have simultaneously brought the insecurities of our partner dragging both to all time lows bringing on feelings of despair and hopelessness to both parties.

Recovering from infidelity requires us to face those demons head on and fight through our worst fears and insecurities in order to become our best versions of ourselves. There is strength within you. You need to dig deep and tap into it. Unfortunately there is no easy fix. There is no short cut. There is however, hope. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know whether your M will make this, but if you work on you, you will. Figure out your whys, work in new coping mechanisms, take down your defenses and learn vulnerability and empathy. Be kind to yourself and your husband and understand that recovery is a 2-5 year journey.

The both of you are still very much in the shock of discovery and neither one of you can really wrap your brains around what it all means and what you need to heal. Take it day by day. Journal. Read. Post here.

This is tough stuff, but you are not alone.

Me: WS late 40’sHim: BH (HoldingTogether)D Day: 7/24/2010If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 16387   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Anywhere and everywhere
id 8805923

annb ( member #22386) posted at 7:07 PM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

Hi, redwood, BS here.

You have to understand that your partner's entire world has been blown up, a nuclear bomb has been dropped on his life, and he's processing this new normal. He's on an emotional roller from hell, maybe a good day then several bad days. More than likely he's in shock. We all handle trauma differently, he's probably doing what feels comfortable for him at this moment. It's only been a month, which may seem like a lifetime for both of you.

I don't know how much you've read on this site, but it takes years to heal from infidelity, not weeks or months but years. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes three steps forward, five steps back. Healing is not linear.

Has your IC suggested you meet with a MD for some temporary medications to help you cope? Maybe your partner needs them as well.

When I found out about my WH affair, for the most part I was in shock. Then the floodgates from hell opened, the rage set in, which I think is normal for most BS.

Also keep in mind anger masks pain.

Please call a hotline if you feel suicidal. I'm sure your partner doesn't want anything to happen to you, but right now he's got a bag full of bricks hanging on his back, and with time and patience, those bricks will fall to the ground one by one whether you survive together or separately.

posts: 12022   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8805946

 redwoodforest (original poster new member #83671) posted at 8:48 PM on Tuesday, August 29th, 2023

Thank you for the responses. I have therapy tomorrow and I am going to share my feelings of suicide so we can make a better plan for right now. I also see my psychiatrist tomorrow so maybe medication can be adjusted.

Thanks for the reminders that we're still early in on this. You're right it has felt like eternity.

Thanks for the reminders that I will be okay. It's hard to remember sometimes.

The nature of the infidelity itself was traumatizing for me. Yes I absolutely initiated but men took advantage of me as well. I engaged in awful kinks trying to recreate my trauma and well, it worked. With a little distance from everything it's stirred up some incredibly strong feelings.

Thanks again. The responses have helped me feel a little better.

Please no private messages.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 31st, 2023
id 8805951

veryconfused ( member #56933) posted at 1:15 AM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

Hi Red,

Please read the other forums in order to get an idea as to what you are dealing with. We are all different, but I can tell you for a fact.

1. As a guy I have never cried so much in my life! Every day for 3 months. 7 years later I still have moments

2. We want to believe everything is okay, we want to pretend normal, but inside we are a mess. The emotions are so overwhelming that we begin yo think we are crazy and somehow we are broken. It takes community with others to see that what we are going through is normal.

3. At a month out, he is still in shock

4. Talking to you is dangerous. He wants to, but he is wrestling with his wife, best friend and lover treating him in such a manner. The trust is not just broken between you two, but everyone else is now in question. The world is no longer safe.

5. One of the best things you can do is to recognize that you are not safe. You need a major rewrite of your brain. Specifically you need to heal your trauma, figure your whys out, fix that, and….

7. Recognize that guilt, I did something bad, is a motivating force. Shame on the other hand, says I am bad, or as you stated below evil. I’m fairly certain you are not evil or you wouldn’t be here. You do need to work on your shame.

The longer you wait to heal yourself, the more damage you do.

posts: 281   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2017   ·   location: Mid West
id 8806032

HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 1:33 AM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

I don’t normally post on this forum, but I wanted to add one more thing.

Remember that you are both on different timelines. You knew everything, and to you it’s old news. You had complete control and knowledge of everything, and to him it all just suddenly exploded in an instant. You will be further removed from it while he is way behind trying to catch up. Realistically, a year is when you can expect things to start settling down

Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.
in R, getting by

posts: 99   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8806034

Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:28 AM on Thursday, August 31st, 2023

I’ll second what annb said above. BS here and I’m 2-1/2 years post D day. I can tell you it’s still hell on earth. I can also tell you that in the first couple months after discovery, twice I nearly took my life. Thank god the images of my children and family came to mind to derail that horrible thought. I can also tell you as a BS that it is very, very difficult to initiate discussions about the affair, and when I did try and express my feelings, the point I would try to make, or the need to express to her what I needed almost always came out wrong and sent the opposite message that I was trying to convey. I simply didn’t have the cognitive focus to find the right words. I actually found it more fruitful to text her or write notes about my feelings because then I could reread what I wrote to see if it made sense or at least accurately described what I was wanting to say to her. Still to this day, I can hardly pick out days that I don’t sort of wish that an accident would happen and take me to a better place. But I persevere and I cling to hope, but hope only gets you so far. If I could only give you one piece of advice, I’d say if you truly love him and want the rest of your life to be with him, then fight like hell, show him that you are sorry in actions and words, show him that you want to, and are, becoming a better, safer partner. You may feel like you are overdoing the sorry’s, but trust me, you aren’t. And when you are sorry, please mean it, we BS’s can sense actual remorse and anything less than fully authentic remorse is like another knife wound in the chest. My wife ripped my heart out and I’m trying like hell to give her a second chance. Some have it in them, some don’t, but I wish you all the luck in the world that you can get through this.

Me: BS 56
Her: WW 50
A 8-20?-4-1-21 (April Fools Day)
Attempting recovery me-90%~her 10%
Married 25 years

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Ohio
id 8806050
Topic is Sleeping.
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