Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 10:29 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023
Fold, I am relieved that he hasn’t gone back on what was decided.
I understand it will be emotionally tough when the divorce is official. A lot has changed for you in a very short time, looking at your post history I realized all this has played out in a span of about 4 months. You have been incredibly brave and strong. Please take care.
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 11:43 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023
Sending big hugs and good juju your way. I follow your story and check for your updates often, and I think you're a bad ass. I'm so sorry for the huge pain that's been inflicted on you and for the stress that you have to endure. Fingers crossed that everything gets settled soon, and that it goes your way.
Let the world feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.
Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 2:28 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023
Checking in on you fold. So much has happened in 4 months - you have reached pro level badass. Like all BS’s I’m sure you wish you didn’t have to be here in the first place. I hope one day your STBXH will understand and realize that the path you are all on right now - your whole family - is directly due to HIS actions, his decisions, HIS choices. What other choice did he think you had when HE decided not to fight for his family?? The LEAST he could do is help soften the blow for you and his children by not making this D so much more traumatic than it needs to be. Reading what you wrote about how you’ve been crying nonstop really hurts my heart! I hate this for you so much. You have been through so much. The kids have been through so much. I hope and pray that this is over with soon and you can focus on finding employment, focus on moving forward, focus on healing and finding happiness and peace. You deserve this so much and more. I’m rooting for you friend. I keep checking on here to see updates - and hoping and praying for a resolution that’s fair and equitable for all. Big hugs to you.
Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month)
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023
Thanks for your message, Abalone.
I am relieved too that he did not change (much) from what we discussed (the second time). I have a call with my attorney today to relay my edits and hopefully we can get the decree over the finish line this week. The hearing should be scheduled shortly after. They are able to slot the in rapidly between trials and other matters. I could be divorced within a few days.
It has been four months since DDay. So much has happened in such horrible, negative ways. So much blindsiding. And of course the enormous levels of anxiety, fear, and pain that have crested and not yet abated. Probably won't for who knows how long. Forever? It has been the longest and shortest four months of my life. Broken record, but it still feels so unreal.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023
Thank you, Sacred. I am so lucky to have your support. And I appreciate it.
I will take all the good juju. I keep thinking about getting the paperwork done, getting the hearing scheduled, and then having this done and "crossed off the list." But it has also been (while depressing and anxiety-inducing) basically a distraction of sorts from the emotional aspects of being divorced. The logistics and new high conflict aspects to the divorce have taken precedence and I know I will be left to deal with the mangled outcomes I have been pushing to the side. Soon. Very soon.
I took my rings off after DDay and only wore them once or twice after, when I had to mask what was happening in the beginning at a few public outings. And while I intend to sell them (no positive emotions tied to them now to pass down), I keep thinking whether I should just put them on again while I am still married and have a final chance to "get" to wear them. They are lovely and I may, probably will, never wear a ring again. Just a dumb thing weighing on my mind, among others.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:23 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023
Thank you so much, Blackbird. Your message made me tear up. I so value the support you have give me.
I hope he does learn and grow and evolve in some ways from this, and that he comes to terms himself that it is all his doing and undoing. He singularly made multiple decisions and we all have to deal with the outcomes. I think he is probably still wrestling with the enormity of what he has done and its repercussions, and he is still taking "the easy way out" of trying to blame me rather than deal with what he has done. Or maybe he has made progress in therapy, is accepting what he did and just feels like he deserves to blame me and lash out at me. Who knows. I guess it does not matter in a lot of ways any way, right?
MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023
Just a thought on the rings, if you can't bear to wear them any more, but like them as rings, maybe have the stones reset into earrings or other jewelry. Like, you're making your own way in a new life and it's a symbol of your transformation from the past?
If that's too metaphorical, yeah, sell them. Then take some of that cash and buy something FABULOUS that's obviously NOT a wedding ring and wear it on whatever finger you want. Maybe the middle one?
There's a lot of gorgeous stuff out there- sterling silver is beautiful and inexpensive. Brilliant Earth has a bunch of neat stones and rings to customize that look fantastic and mean what you want them to mean.
Also... as for selling, my H and I tried to sell ours and basically only got what we paid for it back. They're 17yrs old now and no appreciation in the metal and the diamond only went up a tiny bit.
Diamonds are forever... a scam!
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023
I’m only here to join the chorus saying how awesome you are! It’s truly hard to believe this saga only started 4 months ago and has wrought so much devastation. You have been brave and fearless in my opinion and I truly believe your life is going to take a positive turn in the not so distant future.
Please keep us posted so we know how you’re doing. Still sending you (((hugs))). ❤️
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:31 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023
Thanks for your note, MIGander.
I definitely won't pass the diamonds down and I don't want to make them into another piece. I have a set of earrings and a necklace already (may need to sell but keeping those for now). I don't think I will get anywhere near the purchase price for either ring. I have a list of jewelers who buy jewelry (vs. pawn shops). I just need to pull the trigger and do it.
It seems so trivial I know, but I really loved my rings and I loved wearing them and what they symbolized. There is nothing left to symbolize and no need to wear them and so it feels "wrong" to even WANT to wear them or to even put them on at home. I know it is silly, but it is just a weird part of all of this.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:42 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023
Thanks, BeachGirl. I am so lucky to have you as a cheerleader.
Feeling low today, admittedly. I don't know why these things bother me, but two WTF moments I had the last few days.
First, WH went a week without contacting the kids. Left them Sunday morning and didn't call until the following Saturday evening. They didn't ask about him but of course I noticed the silence. When they did speak it was just for a short time as they were running fevers and were about to go to bed (first week of school germs caught up to us). He never even checked in to see if they were feeling better (they are and are back at school today).
And second, my bday was the other day. I am totally not a birthday person so it is never a big deal, but it was complete crickets from WH and my in-laws. In-laws have never once contacted me since all of this happened. He told them originally to give me space, and relayed back from them that they said I'd always be part of the family, blah blah. But... apparently not. And as for him, not that I wanted or expected him to acknowledge my birthday, but he could have been a decent person by sending even a "HBD from the kids" text to model to the kids what being a decent human is. I already bought a book for the kids to give to him for his bday next month and will have them make him a card because that benefits my kids, to do nice things for others and have it taught and modeled.
I know I should not expect any decency from him when he has only treated me poorly with his every action with all of this, but somehow I continue to hold out hope he will show up in some ways as anything other than an unfeeling robot and he just does not. I do not know how to break myself from having any expectations as it only continues to harm me.
Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023
Well, Fold, it seems your WH continues to be a jerk and his family isn’t much better!…
I think it’s a good idea to give him a birthday present from your boys and, hopefully, he’ll see how lacking he has been and will be ashamed. At least any decent person would be…🤷♀️
Hang in there! ❤️
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, September 19th, 2023
I’m sorry he continues to exceed the level of disappointment he can bring you.
I think if you want a relationship with his parents you need to manage that. You contact them. You have the kids call them and you invite them to visit you if you feel that is best for your kids.
And then set the record straight that their darling son is not to be believed and has discarded his family for his own selfish reasons.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 1:09 AM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023
Belated happy birthday ! I know this has been a tough one, but your next birthday will be a peaceful happier one !
I am not sure if you had a conversation with his parents with your side of the story. Maybe it’s time? I do agree though it would be classy on their part to reach out to you.
I know it’s hard not to expect but your WH has repeatedly proven to be a disappointment and a selfish you-know-what. You might do a million nice things for him, he is not capable of valuing any of it. The continuous cycle of disappointment is not good for you, it took me a while and some therapy sessions to help with this.
I cannot imagine not checking up on my kids if they aren’t feeling well. This man has to have completely checked out mentally or was a really selfish person to begin with.
You are a sweet, sentimental, thoughtful person. I can tell by how you value your wedding ring. Mine is probably causing a GI tract obstruction for a fish or just shining brightly at the bottom of the ocean floor ! Hopefully the latter!
Take care fold.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023
Thanks, BeachGirl. I will take the high road (again) and give the gift for his birthday. It's small, just a hardcover children's book to read with them, but it's the intent, right? That you mark the special occasions in others' lives. I will keep teaching and modeling that as it seems he is disinterested in doing so.
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:13 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023
1stWife. I appreciate your advice.
I do think it is good to keep a relationship between kids/grandparents, but TBH, if they're going to be dismissive or disinterested in keeping communication open with me, then I am not going to spend a lot of time or energy on it. They are a bit dramatic and high-maintenance, the kind that will ask you a question and then jump in to talk about themselves before given a chance to respond. It's tiring! He can video chat them when with the kids or have them come visit during a parenting weekend. His role to preserve it if he wishes to.
I do want to give my side of the story. Not that it will change anything (they are for sure focusing only on the "my son is being accused of something" part and forgetting the "my son is a serial cheater who ruined multiple lives and is a being a shit dad and human").
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:16 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023
Thank you Abalone. Really kind words for me, thank you.
Yeah, I don't know who he is. He was always a little selfish and self-focused but also didn't have an ego. Kind of a paradox. He was a good husband in a lot of ways, until he wasn't. The things he has said and done since DDay though .... total stranger situation. Still so jarring and nuts.
You made me laugh at the imagery of a fish with your ring! I know two people who have tossed theirs in the ocean too. I can imagine it was cathartic to do so!
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 3:45 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023
No real update but helpful for me to get it out rather than in.
My attorney was on trial then catching up on work all week so I have not gotten a chance to relay my edits to the agreement. I am not in a big rush as the longer I am married the more spousal support I have and the longer I have insurance. If it drags into October it is to my benefit. My STBX however checked in to ask what the status is as it "was almost October." Clearly he is eager to get it done so he can pay less in support next month. Not my problem.
He talked to the kids yesterday. I guess he is too busy to attempt to contact them more than once a week. DD said "it was mama's birthday last week and we had cake." And he seemed surprised, which shows he likely did totally forget my birthday or remembered and chose not to say anything.
I also found out through friends that the second phase of the investigation has started. After the first phase, which was to determine whether or not a sexual act occurred, the investigators recommend whether to continue to investigate (if found they had sex, which he admitted to on the record so is obvious) or dismiss. So of course it was continued and in order for the investigation to continue he was formally charged with assault. No surprises other than his delusions that it would all just go away somehow. He and I had discussed multiple times that I needed a heads up when this next phase began as the media will pick up on it (about a week after the charges are lodged) and people in our network will begin to know all the details. He found out on Monday or Tuesday he would be charged, and he was formally charged later in the week. Has he told me any of this? Nope.
And lastly, my in-laws reached out for the very first time since all of this has happened the other day. Four months of complete silence. I got a VM that said they missed the kids, asked me to FaceTime them, and then at the end my MIL said "I'm sorry about what happened. I wish your marriage could have lasted longer." She's pretty selfish and frequently says things that are a little off, but it made me snort anyway. I have not responded. I do not plan to speak with them until the divorce is finalized. Sometime this week I will shoot a quick text and say not ready to talk but will reach out at a later date. Petty but I don't think they deserve a timely reply nor my compliance at this point.
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:16 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023
Sorry the marriage didn’t last longer ? Huh, how about Sorry my selfish irresponsible son wasn’t a good husband !
I read this recently about how one should look at a potential partners parents before marrying them. I am starting to think this might be true. WH and his dad have similar traits and FIL and I didn’t get along from the first meeting :)
Considering that it is good he is away from the kids, he doesn’t sound like someone that would impart any good values to them.
I assume people in your social circle will soon find out the details and reach out to you. Remember that you should not carry the shame of any of his actions.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:58 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023
IF found guilty I’m guessing his least-bad outcome would be a dishonorable discharge with loss of pension and all benefits. A more likely outcome would be some years of brig-time and a dishonorable discharge with loss of…
I mention this because I want to suggest you hear from your attorney what could happen if the divorce is based on his future income for the next x years hardly be enough to buy a toothbrush and twinkies while doing time.
Not saying this might or would impact the outcome, but WHAT IF things like pension, benefits, health-insurance and all that simply disappear off the asset-table once the judge swings the gavel? I would definitely want an attorneys view on that.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 2:19 PM on Monday, September 25th, 2023
Hi Abalone. I think that is a true statement about watching a partner's parents/family relationships closely. His parents are still married and they have had some life struggles (health, money) but to my knowledge have been faithful and close and still are to one another. Yet, between their 3 children there are now 5 divorces so.....The inlaws are just dramatic, self-centered. Not bad people, but a lot of work. Not having to deal with them will be like the one positive thing to come from all of this.
The social circle is getting more and more details. The friends who called me to tell me about the formal charges had already heard the news from a few sources (official vs. gossip). And people talk so, it is getting out more and more. I shared the full story with a friend last week whom I have been carefully putting off because, though dear to me, she is a bit of a gossip, and she had already known the basics of what happened. Once it is in the news then I am sure I will get more messages from people, both wellmeaning and the "lookey lous." He still has not told me about the charges or timeline and has known for almost a week. Crazy train.