I’ve been on SI and other boards since about 6 months after dday 1.
My attempt at a brief history is below.
The Good:
Met my WW in High School (late 90’s), we are HS Sweethearts. We were each others first and only sexual partners. We married in 2004 after a long engagement (7 years together when married). We had our son in mid 2000’s, both have well established, good paying careers, have owned homes, sold, moved up the property ladder and are in our dream neighbourhood and have been for 10+ years. Life has its ups and downs, but we have had a good relationship overall. We split household chores and we are well aligned in terms of our parenting.
The Bad:
I had suspicions prior to dday that my WW had been unfaithful. I did raise my concerns and up until 2012, her explanations seemed to be believable. In 2012, she lost a parent, grandmother and was struggling with clinical depression. She was medicated and was seeing a Psychiatrist and she seemed to be doing better. I had expressed my concerns about how much time she was spending with coworkers (working on a charitable project that was near and dear to her based on the recent loss of one of her parents). She took time off work in 2013 after a falling out with said coworker and he lack of dealing with the loss in 2012. She was off for about 3 months and returned to work. There were still outings with other coworkers and a male friend she has known longer than me.
Dday 1 was July 2015. I snooper her email and found evidence of a PA with a coworker (not who I had thought, a coworker that I knew nothing about). My world came crashing down. I confronted her than night and she admitted to a ONS prior to marriage. I pressed more and she admitted to the PA with this coworker.
We struggled for months going back and forth because what little evidence I had did not make sense when compared to her story. I dug and pestered for months and months. Found an EA with the coworker I had suspicions about, but no PA.
I’ve had 2 more ddays, no new sexual partners or anything, but important details that she was too embarrassed to admit to.
After dday 3, I had enough. I demanded she attend intensive IC or we are done. To her credit, she did, and made progress on her self worth and boundaries with men. To date, I have checked on her and have found nothing. She has been (after dday 3) a model remorseful spouse.
We did attend counseling together and she continued her IC until the IC moved. Life was…okay, but I really struggled with acceptance.
Fast forward to this weekend, we fought about the lack of sex. We used to be physical 3-4 times / week, now it’s once per week. I’ve also struggled with ED since dday 1. Medication has addressed the getting started part, but I struggled and still do struggle with finishing. Even with our frequency being once per week, this still hasn’t addressed my issue of finishing. This isn’t the first time we have had this discussion and she agrees that her libido has dropped and so has mine. I suggested maybe 2 times per week and see where it goes. She responded with a fairly typical response, which was "well, we will have sex daily and you can’t say no". I get her response but that isn’t what I was getting at, but anyway, it degraded into us talking very little and being pissed with each other.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what is holding me back in terms of R. This spat we had over the weekend wasn’t a huge fight, but it got me thinking about where I am at in terms of R.
I’m had a tough conversation with my WE yesterday and did mention to her that I feel the biggest issue that I can’t get over is the disrespect she showed me during her A’s and the 3 year period after dday. The continual lying, gaslighting, withholding information, trying to control the outcome, etc.
For me, I am proud that I don’t owe anyone anything (other than a faceless bank or lender). I get a lot of pride out of being able to cut people out of my life that are toxic. My WW would be at the top of my "cut" list, but of course, I have the internal struggle between my heart and my head, and I believe this is what is holding me back.
That was way longer than I wanted it to be, but any comments about the disrespect and things I can do to work through this specifically would be appreciated.
I did tell my WW that I am willing to invest in MC to see if I can work through this with a professionals help. But also said that I can’t live this way for much longer and that it may come to S or D.
I know this is my issue and is up to me to deal with it. Thank you.
