SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good morning afternoon or evening depending on where you are when you read this.

Background of my story,

I had one emotional affair that lasted for over a year and one physical/emotional affair that was on and off for over 5 years.

I eventually after numerous questions told the entire truth to my BS. Ive been in therapy for over a year with two different therapists. My BS and I have been working hard on ourselves even though she did absolutely nothing to deserve what I did to her and she should not have to be in therapy. I disrespected her to where now nothing seems to makes sense unless it's stress or lies. We've had discussions about about reconciling and even have a baby on the way which I am extremely happy and blessed to be able to do but know it comes with more stress and a flooding of emotional storms. We already have 4 children together so I'm grateful that my BS has allowed me to remain in their lives.

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you? Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS? What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile? Has trust returned between the two of you? Do you regret reconciling? Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

Any information would be extremely helpful for this BS. I will share the information with my BS so I can compare with their responses.

Thank you.

Mrmbc0382 —

I hope you get a chance to also post in the Wayward Side section, there are a lot of people with some good advice.

I also don’t know if my experience will be helpful to your BS, I have found that while infidelity behavior is extremely similar, recovery behaviors are very unique and individual.

I’ve been through a lot of trauma in life, and I am still surprised how devastating infidelity was and is. I suppose it wouldn’t have bothered me if I didn’t love my wife so much. It still feels like such an unnecessary detour for any of us trying to heal and find a path forward.

As many members informed me when I got here, it takes at least 2-5 years to heal, and much longer for some.

As to your specific questions:

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you?

It wasn’t one thing, it was a lot of things. My wife needed to understand why she required attention outside of our marriage. She had to work on her boundaries, she also had to help me rebuild the relationship from the ground up. To my wife’s credit she was relentless in her efforts across the board, and yet it still took more than TWO YEARS of consistent effort for me to BELIEVE in her actions, that this wasn’t some temporary fix or band-aid.

Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS?

Almost seven years later — yes — on occasion I have to fight through visions of what my wife chose to do. It is far more rare these days, and I realize it is still my brain trying to keep me on my toes and protect me from some of the worst emotional trauma ever. I tend to tackle those nightmares better and if they start looping on me again, it is usually because some aspect of the infidelity needs to be asked about or resolved. It ain’t easy putting the REALITY of your life back together versus the one you thought you had.

What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile?

It was really those first two years again before I really knew if I COULD reconcile even if I wanted to. Love wasn’t enough to stop infidelity, and love is usually not enough to stay together. It took more patience than I thought I had. It took more understanding than I thought I had. I learned there is no way for me to understand a choice I haven’t made. So we kind of went with love AND kindness, love AND better communication. I decided if we could both build something back as better people, we could get a better relationship out of the new deal.

Has trust returned between the two of you?

Yes, but I’ve learned to trust ME more first. I know what infidelity looks like. I know what the signs I previously ignored look and sound like. I don’t think it will happen again, but I trust that I will be fine on my own if it does. As I often advise my fellow betrayed — 100 percent blind trust never served us well in the first place, why would we want to ever do that again? But trust is important and we have built it back slowly.

Do you regret reconciling?

Not for one second. It is brutally difficult, and I will always hate what my wife did — yet I am still able to see her as a whole human. She’s done far greater good than ill in this world and I will not define her or me by her lowest, worst moments. Hell, I don’t define me by my worst moments either. I appreciate now, today, that we never gave up on us. It sure seems like it would have been easier to walk away, but then I would miss out on this best version of me and the best version of my wife working so hard to build something worthy of both our time and effort.

Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

There may be a typo here — me as the BS, I still ask questions whenever I need to. Doesn’t happen often, but it is important to me when I do and my wife answers anything I ask. Does my WS bring it up? No, but she will ask if I’m okay, she will check on me, she is vigilant about my well being (now).

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 5:05 PM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

Hey there!

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you?

I'm approaching reconciliation like many 12 step programs. We will always be in reconciliation. I don't know if I will every consider us reconciled. In my head that makes the most sense. Particularly since we've had a few DDays and the LTAP just won't let go and an attorney had to get involved.

What works for me/us? Proven behavior over time. That's it - proven behavior over time.

Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS?

Constantly. Even almost 6 years from DDay1 they still happen constantly. What has changed is my response. Over the years I've learned how to cope with them better. And for the most part do a damn good job. Occasionally some still derail me.

What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile?

I slowly reclaimed myself. I learned self care is not selfish. I started doing things for me.

Has trust returned between the two of you?

Trust is being rebuilt for sure. But that blind faith trust, that beyond the shadow of a doubt trust I had in WH prior to DDay - forever shattered.

Do you regret reconciling?

I'd be lying if I said I never regret it. Because over the years and journeys with a LTA that went underground, DDays, and a LTAP that just won't let go and an attorney had to send a Cease & Desist I questioned a lot over the years. I can say 100% that looking back I don't regret the chance. Because even if the God Forbid happens, I can look at myself in the mirror and know I did everything in my power.

Please know that Mr. Chaos and I are in a great place. Personally and as a couple. We are really strong and good and have had much growth. But understand, it took years to get there. And in many of those years I questioned everything. Including why I didn't kick him to the curb. Because if a friend of mine came to me with my story - I'd have helped her pack his stuff & dump at LTAP house.

Infidelity is idealistically a deal breaker for me. Yet here I am, reconciling with WH and feeling good.

Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

I'm the BS of a LTA. And we do still talk about it yes. Only in the last few years have we been able to non confrontationally - where he doesn't shame spiral and I don't have panic attacks. WH bringing it is cathartic on some surreal level.

I gave you the Reader's Digest version in my responses. I am happy to elaborate if you wish.

My fWW finally absorbed and implemented the guidance in How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald.

Also, she worked hard on transference of vigilance. This is where you critically examine what you are doing or saying and address any potential infidelity related issues it might bring with it and address then proactively. Don't wait for your wife to say "I'm a bit anxious about your upcoming work travel" or whatever. You call it out as being a potential issue and you give appropriate reassurances.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:55 PM, Wednesday, March 22nd]

I will share the information with my BS so I can compare with their responses.

Don't do that. Take in the advice given,and start doing what's suggested. Don't take the answers from other BS, and show them to your wife. That sounds like you're going to use the answers as a guide for her,and how she should be feeling,and responding. As if to say, "Look, this BW feels like this, so you should as well."

She is allowed to feel her feelings. Healing isn't linear.

It also would help if you gave your story,instead of asking questions. People could give you advice for your situation.

For example..was there a dday for the EA, and then you went on to have another affair? Or did she find out about both on the same day? Who were the OW? Did she catch you,or did you confess? How long did you lie after dday? How long did it take you to go NC? What work are you doing to become a safe partner? Was she pregnant when you were cheating?

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you?
His was trustworthy and fully transparent. When I couldn't eat, he made me food. When I couldn't sleep, he stayed up with me trying to be reassuring. When certain triggering times of year rolled around, he took me out of town. He drove the recovery - because it was all I could do to function from the trauma of it in those early days. He booked the MC. He took himself to IC. I focused on myself and my IC. If I wanted anything, he made it happen. The "honey do" list disappeared. He took over household chores - dishes, meals, laundry. And he did these things without any promises of a future from me. If your BS is growing a human....that's the LEAST you can do. Honestly, all those little things helped. When I couldn't trust him at all....I could trust that he made a meal. He brought flowers, anticipated what my needs might be, dated me again. I did not make it easy on him. That part took me years to let my guard down again. We had specific plans for what we would do when I was triggered, or when we would run into the OW/OBS. And, we stuck to those plans.

Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS? Yes, but IC and MC has given me tools to combat those intrusive thoughts. When it comes up and I need extra reassurance, I ask for it. His needs no longer always trump mine. If I need closeness, to scroll through his phone, to question where he was when, support on a bad day.....I get it. He has made doing what he can to make me feel safe in my relationship with him his priority....and done so without guarantee of our future together. This is something I had done for him pre-a....and now that feels a bit more balanced. But, there are no guarantees. He utterly does the work and lets go of the outcome, we both do. Seeing him make that effort, all in.....has given me the space to work on the trauma he's choices caused me without needing to take out my anger on him. Eventually, I'm getting or have gotten to the point where I can acknowledge the unfairness of it....the damage that was done to me....and the unfair responsibility I have to heal myself...and work my, now, issues with infidelity. I really hate that part, it's so unfair. But, our marriage is much better overall now simply because we've both decided to do the hard work.

What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile? I decided to work on reconciliation, but made no promises. In fact, I got a post nuptial agreement in place because I didn't want finances to play any part in the work we had to do. As another poster has said....it's like the Princess Bride and Dread Pirate Roberts. "You did good today, Wesley....Goodnight....I'll most likely kill you in the morning".....rather for me, it was that I could decide to tap out of the marriage at any time. I mean, he DID. This SOUNDS like it should be a sad thing, but for me, now, it is a daily decision we both make to lean into each other.

Has trust returned between the two of you? I trust myself more than I trust him. I can and do question him if things don't jive with my radar. I don't think I'll ever 100% trust him or anyone else again. But, then again, I've learned that I was naive to put 100% faith in anyone other than myself.

Do you regret reconciling? Not now. Sometimes there are days where I wonder what IF. There are days when I know what my plan would be IF it didn't work out. That makes me feel safer. I don't regret the work we put in. I hate the reason why we had to. Ultimately, I don't think I regret reconciling with the man that he has become. He's a better partner.

Does your BS still bring up the affair to you? It's been a little more than 4 years for us. It comes up. Not as much as before. The language around it has changed, the intensity has lessened a bit. It is still something that I wake up with and go to sleep with. Battling those thoughts are difficult for me. When I need help from him, I ask him....and vice versa. But, it is a rare day that it doesn't creep into my thoughts. My goal is to try to fill my days with so many good new things, memories, and experiences with him and for myself that it matters less and less.

Welcome to SI, Mrmbc. This place is a great resource for someone in your position. How long ago was D-Day? I’m trying to get some view of where your wife is at right now. I imagine a five year affair is a lot to process.

Honesty, transparency, humility, patience, compassion, consistency, and effort OVER TIME. That’s what worked in my marriage. I appreciate that’s a pretty broad answer but there honestly isn’t a simple, quick, sound-bite answer to your question. Reconciliation, even in the best of circumstances, is a long (often bumpy) road. w the

I experienced mind-movies very frequently for the first two years or so post-d-day. I’m 6 years out now and consider myself reconciled and recovered and they still happen every once in a while (maybe 1-2x a year). Likewise, the affair comes up far less now than it did in the first few years. I feel like that is possible because we talked about it nearly nonstop for a good long while (it was never off the table). I had the chance to properly process everything so I’ve been able to move past it. It still comes up infrequently but more in passing, it did after all define a period of time in our shared history. When it comes up now, it’s no longer loaded, just something that happened.

I have no regrets about my decision to R. My new marriage is a happy one. Slowly, but surely, my husband has earned back my trust. That did certainly did not happen overnight. I don’t trust him blindly like I once did and likely never will, but my perspective having experienced betrayal is that perhaps that level of trust is unwise anyhow.

Bear in mind that I'm 12+ years out.

Also, WSes don't open a lot of threads in R. If you want to read what other WSes say, open a similar (not cut and paste) thread in the WS forum or ask the mods to move this thread to WS with a 'Mod, please' thread. (I mention that as an option, not as a recommendation.)

If you reconciled with your WS what did that person do that worked best for you?

Changed from cheater to good partner. She answered every question, if I the question didn't break her confidentiality duty - and I always found a way to ask so that answers were legal. She started asking for what she wanted. She started separating the real me from the false image of me that she created.

Do you still have to battle the memories or movies that were placed into your thoughts by your WS?

Now: rarely.

A year out: you bet.

What did you do for yourself that helped you get to a decision to reconcile?

Feel my feelings. Ask for what I want. Raise issues and resolve them.

Has trust returned between the two of you?

Now: Yeah, but I know either of us can fuck-up one way or another. I doubt either of us will be unfaithful, though.

A year out: Are you kidding? At 2.5 years out, I told our MC I was worried that I didn't trust my W. MC wouldn't discuss that - 'It's too early,' she said. That's a quote.

Do you regret reconciling?

Now: nope.

A year out: nope. No TT, no gaslighting, no minimizing, ever. She had clearly started on the road to change.

Does your BS still bring up the affair to you?

Now: Well, I'm the BS. I bring it up if I get triggered, but I can't remember the last time I got triggered. I guess I get triggered when I see incipient cheating in a TV show or movie; then I change the channel or, if I'm OK with the show, ask my W if she wants to watch.

A year out: you bet! I tested her every damned day. Several times..

I will share the information with my BS so I can compare with their responses.

I missed this. I agree with Hellfire that this has the potential to backfire. Presenting this place as a resource that she might find helpful is fine, but anything that could be construed as comparing her to other BS (who are much father along) or suggesting that she should be farther along and somehow her lack of healing is a character flaw on her behalf is a terrible idea.

Do not share this with your bs. Implement the good advice. You cannot fix her. You broke her. She will have to rebuild every ounce of who she thinks she is, who you are (hopefully through your actions) and who are you as a couple…:while also growing a human.

The few times my FWH tried this….and it’s natural to want to….made me feel like I wasn’t doing recovery right and made me resent the bejeesus out of him. And, those few times made me NOT want to put in the effort at all.

Don’t do it. Work your side of the street, not hers

I disagree. Share this site with your BS. You should be fully transparent, meaning you hide nothing. And she needs a place she can get support and advice.

To be clear…..it’s ok to share the site. I would avoid…. "I found this site and everyone says you should be doing this". Or, "they said if I did this, you’d feel better".

My husband had an emotional and physical affair from February to July of 2020. So we’re about three years out from his affair and the July DDAY.

What he has done that has helped is be transparent, answered all my questions, over and over when needed, and consistently done the day-in, day-out work of being a good partner despite this being the very rockiest time of our 25 year relationship. I wish he would bring it up more himself unprompted, but that’s not a huge deal at this point. It absolutely consumed my mind for over a year and was a daily or near-daily conversation in that time. It has tapered off slowly since that time. I bring it up when something is bothering me or I struggle with it, but we will go many days, sometimes weeks without it coming up at all. It still comes to my mind every day, but usually in passing, and I can usually deal with it fine and not be too emotionally affected. Our level of intimacy and ease with each other is not the same as it was, but I feel like we’re making incremental progress.

I do not regret reconciling. There are so many good things about our marriage and life together and partnership and connection that I didn’t want to throw that all away. For myself, though, I don’t know that I could reconcile meaningfully if my husband had had multiple and/or long term affairs. My trust was so foundationally broken just by a five month affair. If five years+ of my marriage were proven to be a lie and I DID try to reconcile, I think I’d still be much deeper in the weeds than I am.

My husband’s affair has been a catalyst for me to improve myself, and that has helped with reconciliation. I’m trying to take charge of my own happiness and be the healthiest person I can be. I don’t have trust in him the way I did before, but I trust myself to be smart and careful, and to pick myself up if my world gets shattered again.

Thank you to everyone that replied. I am taking it all in and preparing to take it to the wayward side of the forum as well as some have pointed out I should do. The information was informative and has opened up a new avenue of research I can now use. My BS always says go deeper when I bring information to her and she's always right about that and I will with all of this knowledge. I am not totally new to the forums but I am new to posting and replying. I do want to apologize to anyone out there if I opened up any doors, windows, or thoughts that are not pleasant. I realized my questions could have done that and that should have been included in the post. Learning about myself is totally new to me as I just "winged" it in the past which is not healthy for me or anyone else. I am not looking for a shortcut because that serves neither her or me. I want recovery to last for us both which means I have to work harder than her for the life I have made for her. Thank you and I will be answering each reply.

Thank you oldwounds for your response. Knowing that after 8 years you still battle some of thoughts and ask questions about it might not be easy to do but sharing what you wrote gave me some positive feedback. I and my BS have read about the 2 to 5 year timeline and I do know from research that everyone is different. Hearing your positive story is hopeful for me and my BS. Thank you

Chaos thank you for your response. Trust me I know all about the spiraling shame which takes away from many things that can be learned and immediately worked on. Hearing that you both are working on trust but that blind trust will never be reached is very factual and common with where I am. Honestly I don't want or don't deserve blind trust. I never held myself accountable when I had the perfect woman so I understand how once it's broken that part cannot be repaired. I appreciate your honesty and your reply.