SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all. I don't know if this is more of a rant into the void, a need for being heard, or a wish to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this before. Last year I wrote about never wanting a divorce and hating that I had to go through it/hating that STBXWH was still acting like a jerk to me while going after the OW. Now? Due to STBXWH's continued behaviors I am irritated that I can't get the divorce done sooner and move on with my life. Where I am you have to be living separately for over a year before you can file for divorce. I won't be able to file until later this year and my lawyer has said there's nothing I can do by myself beforehand to make it go easier.

This long wait is a trial on many fronts. On the one hand I have my side of the family constantly putting in their two cents and grumbling that I haven't already divorced. No matter how many times I say "that's the law here" for having to wait to file or "I can't legally do (petty suggested thing here) because it would look bad in court" I'm apparently not doing enough for the extended family to be happy. They also bring up how THEY are upset at STBXWH and how hurt THEY are at what he did, while I'm sitting here going, "Yeah, but the things you're angry at are things he did to me and my kid...?" They get angry at me for acting in a friendly/civil manner and not being a rude jerk to STBXWH because they (and others) think that me being nice means there is no divorce in sight. It doesn't matter that I can point out how losing my temper or showing anger just makes things worse. They want to see me be as upset as they are and try to make me feel bad for not showing it.

On the other hand there is STBXWH's side of the family who minimize everything I say he is doing and who expect me to keep taking care of him. They wonder why I am still thinking of a divorce as they think STBXWH is trying to work on things between us (he isn't) and that STBXWH is not in contact with OW (he sees her at work and messages her on weekends).

Then there is STBXWH. He is upset that I want a divorce and has threatened to take his life if I file when the waiting time is up and he's not ready for it. He has said that his life/needs trump my need to be able to move on or have what I need (knowledge of resources I'll have) to create stability for our kid. He's accused me of "rushing into a divorce" despite being confronted several times that "I've told you I wanted this for months, and there is only X more months to go." He won't work with me on separation of property which can be done before divorce. It just feels like it never ends.

I guess the main problem is something I've always felt. I'm not listened to and people (STBXWH and His/My Family) get angry at me for not going ahead with what they tell me to do and refuse to take into account what I want for my life. I only have one good friend I can rant with about these things and I feel like I'm overloading them with the train wreck my life is.

Does anyone else deal with this?

I didn't deal with this to a huge extent, but honestly? YOUR divorce is YOUR business and to a point your stbxwh's business. No one else's.

I would practice saying it, but if any extended family tries to discuss your D with you simply tell them that "this topic is not up for discussion at this time." Then walk away from the conversation or hang up the phone. If they try to rope you into discussing how they feel about it? "This topic is not up for discussion at this time." If they try to tell you 'what you should do'? "This topic is not up for discussion at this time." You are under zero obligation to manage how anyone else feels about your divorce or your actions around your divorce. You are also not under any obligation to "be nice" with people that are adding to your stress about it, no matter how well-meaning they may be.

Rant away! This is a place to let out your frustrations!

I agree totally with Ellie. You can nicely and firmly let your side of the family know that you have got it handled and it is your M, your D, and it is not up for discussion. As far as your STBWH’s family I would limit contact as much as possible. If you need to contact them on matters related to children or family matters, go gray rock and limit conversation. You don’t need to justify your actions to anyone. The same goes for your WH. No contact is best, but if you must have contact just gray rock. You have set you course. You will get through this. In the meantime use this period to get stronger for you. Start to heal and set goals for your future and set your plans in motion so there is no lag time when the D is final. Use this period to your advantage.

There's a quote I saw on SM that resonates with me: Don't mistake my politeness for weakness.

And you can always come here and rant about what you'd like to do to your STBXWH. I thought about ordering fresh animal poop & having it delivered to his door. He'd figure out it was me, so I haven't.

Opinions are like @$$wholes. Everyone has one. KWIM. You cannot make people not have them. And that sucks. Vent here, and wade through the rest.
Just keep your eyes on the prize and try not to let the background noise get to you.
My ex contested crap and kept slowing the process down. I heard the same noise about how I was holding up the divorce. And I don't even live in a state where you have to wait a year. I'm so glad I didn't too. It should have taken 61 days to be divorced. He dragged it out to 11 months. So I feel your exhaustion and frustration, but it will eventually end. Good luck.

You’ve been heard. Your STBXWH sounds like a giant baby raised in a family of giant babies.
It feels like it is taking eternity, but the end is in sight… and you will get there.

Vent away!

@EllieKMAS: I already walk away when my relatives get into their rants. I've had to do that with other subjects they've brought up throughout my life (major in college, you should get married/have kids, etc) because they just expect me to sit there, listen to them, and do what they tell me to. They talk over me if I try to interject. My saying "I'm not talking about this" to them means nothing as they do not see me as an adult but as the small child I used to be 30+ years ago. Being raised in that kind of family is probably what led me to thinking I "was heard" by STBXWH and made me fall for him in the beginning.

I wanted a relationship I was valued and listened to...which made the affair more jarring for me. STBXWH literally ignored every warning I gave leading to the affair, every expression of pain I/my child had, and chased after the OW.

@fareast: Still working on my gray rock. Conversation is becoming more limited by the day as STBXWH is more involved with the ex family friends and the OW. I usually have to contact my in-laws when confirming times for my son's visitation with STBXWH. Visits are supposed to be supervised and - unfortunately - STBXWH has told me "OK, bring son over" when there was no one able to supervise them.

@leafields: I like that quote. If I could add to it, I would say "Don't mistake my politeness as acceptance of this crap." My primary revenge would be him having to experience everything he has put me and our son through. I imagine him being strapped in a machine that forces him to live through every minute of abuse he's putting us through. Too bad nothing like that exists.

@StillLivin: I think in my family most of their opinions come out of their A-holes just as loud, and unasked for! I would have loved a 61 day divorce. I've been told that even if I file when I can the process can be made longer without his cooperating on separation of property/other things.

@BearlyBreathing: Yes, losing STBXWH from the household has lowered my housework significantly. It's very different having only one Real small child to take care of and clean up the house with.

I worry that I'm looking at the filing/finalizing of the divorce as that "Magic moment" I'll be free. I know I won't really be free since I will be coparenting with STBXWH. There's still a part of me that is hoping for it to be a new start where I can get REAL friends who don't drop me over his lies. People who like me for me and not because I just so happen to be married to him. I fear I'm building up this "freedom" to be something it isn't.

Even tho I knew divorce was the right course of action, the day we filed was awful for me. I felt marginally better the day I got my decree. Not "free" exactly, just a little less wretched.

The free came quietly several weeks later. It was during the very first couple weeks of covid lockdown in March 2020. I was sitting at my kitchen table working and all of a sudden I said out loud "I'm so glad I'm not married to him anymore", then started crying. Unlike all of my crying for the few months before that, these tears were happy ones. I was freeeeeee.

You'll get there too I promise you will.