SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The holidays are full of triggers for me which is why I have been posting so much. I google search so many things to try to feel "safe" trusting my husband again.

Unfortunately I came upon a website that supports the OW. When I started reading it I burst out into tears.

So many of those women are waiting on the side for YEARS! They go further underground willingly many times with the wife believing they are in NC!😫😫😫😫

They are of the mindset that in order to keep their Married men they have to be quiet and deny and not make problems!!!

How am I ever supposed to feel secure with women like these who are willfully going further underground and happily still seeing married men who tell them they will never leave their wives?!?! They do one times re surface years later!!

Please someone help me not bug my husband and have him under surveillance.

How am I ever supposed to feel secure

You do this by focusing on YOU. Develop hobbies of your own, make friends of your own, get to a state of financial security on your own. You feel secure by working on your most important relationship - with YOURSELF. By doing all that, it becomes less important what others do or not because you are good with you.

And don't go reading cheater-supporting stuff yeah? That way lies madness.

Also, I would just point out that maybe you should do some soul-searching. Are you feeling unsafe because of your own stuff? Or are you feeling unsafe because it's your gut hollerin at you? It's okay if you aren't sure which it is, but do some noodling on it. When I was trying to R with mine, I never 'got there' really with feeling safe or trusting him again. And the reason I didn't as it so happened was because he was still cheating. My gut knew it. My head and my heart were too busy arguing with each other to listen, but my gut absolutely knew.

Other women aren't an issue,as long as your husband is doing the work he should be doing.

It concerns me that you are googling ways to feel safe with him. That's his job. He's supposed to be doing the work,and fixing himself,to help you feel safe. That's the very minimum a WS should be doing if they want R.

What is he actually doing?

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:06 PM, Tuesday, January 3rd]

Feeling safe is hard because you can’t prove he’s not cheating (it’s the same as trying to prove a negative). Been there, got the t-shirt. I promise you though, you won’t be able to satisfy yourself that your husband is being faithful by reading accounts of people who are actively involved in affairs. People have been unfaithful in marriages since people started getting married - it’s always existed and it’s always going to exist. The only marriage that matters though, is the one you are in.

Look, I’ve been where you are. I’ve read those forums. It’s a pool of very damaged people who are pretending to be satisfied with crumbs because they have learned somewhere along the way that they are not deserving of more. It would be pitiable if didn’t know there was a BS on the other side of it all.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 1:54 AM, Wednesday, January 4th]

I know I shouldn’t read it. I’m so sorry it exists and that I found it. I told myself this year I wasn’t going to live in fear. Each time I check my husband is being true….but the fact that he wasn’t at a time makes me forever suspicious. I feel like setting him up to see if he would really tell me. It’s so high school and stupid….I know. Even though he’s doing what’s right and putting in the work….how can I know?

This is like living with cancer. It might always recur, even if you do all the chemo and treatment follow ups. He might cheat again. Make the most of your limited time in earth, and be ready to bolt if/when he cheats again.

In the mean time, make the marriage about YOU, not "us or we". Fuck "us". Our WS already made it about them before when they cheated.

Make your life YOU-centric. And if he wants to play nice in your shadow, so be it. He can sit there. But whatevs. Because it’s your time.

Your cancer/his cheating really might recur. Get to a point where you don’t care. It’s healthier. Live for the now. That’s all that we have guaranteed.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 1:19 AM, Wednesday, January 4th]

Howcthappen

Unfortunately I came upon a website that supports the OW. When I started reading it I burst out into tears.

So many of those women are waiting on the side for YEARS! They go further underground willingly many times with the wife believing they are in NC!

Perhaps a bit different perspective?

Often folks use a measuring stick based on their life experiences and their moral training and their definition of integrity.

Wrong - you need to assess where you are according to your rules.

Sad that there are people such as you found on 'the site' - OK. There have been people like that since caveman times.

Your life is what matters and how you choose to live it is your choice. Are you doing that?

Three years ago your world was exploded and then a follow up. In three years there should be concrete progress - however much - but SOME progress on repairing your relationship. Has that happened? By whose yardstick?

Looking at the faults in others to "justify" the faults peculiar to hour husband? Won't fix your mindset. The problem is your husband and his transgression against your marriage. The Other Woman was who was available and willing. There are lots of them "out there" and always will be. Human condition -

Get a copy of "The Body Keeps the Score" - I think it will help you frame your hurt.

Going forward you need to focus on your own health, whether or not your husband is 101% on board with making your marriage work
and whether or not you really can forgive him. You must look for him to earn your trust that he will never again hurt you so.

Forgiveness is really really hard when someone you love stomps all over your heart. But such forgiveness can happen. These boards can provide examples. For some there is never forgiveness. In such case, bite the bullet and divorce.

You get to choose.

Your safety will never come from ow’s out there. There will always be women (and men) who for a variety of reasons believe they are not worth more than a person who gives them some crumbs here and there. I’ve analysed ow in my stitch to death, I could not imagine a situation in which I’d accept a "relationship" with a man who can never take me out for dinner, who cannot answer my call, who cannot hold my hand openly when outdoors.

I then understood trauma (not that it is an excuse) I understood that some people not only do not believe they’re worth more, but they also do not want more, maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work, you need to invest much more than a few dirty texts, some bjs and pretending you’re always happy. And true emotional investment is what scares them most.

Safety will not come from believing that ow’s don’t exist. SOME safety comes from your WS through the work they do to show they are a changed person who truly questioned what happened to their morals whilst having an affair.

But ultimately safety comes from you, knowing what you’re capable of, knowing your strength and having a plan B in case this happens again.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 12:57 PM, Wednesday, January 4th]

When it comes to feeling safe, there are two things that helped me tremendously not just for reconciliation, but also for the relationship and the peace of my mind in general.

1) Exploring the topic of attachment styles. As it turned out, even before the betrayal, I exhibited quite a lot of anxious personality traits in our relationship, especially in the early years. I’ve always thought I’m just a little insecure, fearful, and distrustful due to a trauma I experienced in my late teens. However, I had other boyfriends before I met my husband, and I was not insecure with them. Also, I tend to score pretty high for "secure attachment style". What I realized is that my anxiousness was what I call responsive anxiousness. In other words, I’m not anxious by nature, but when my partner repeatedly did things that made me feel worried or failed to do things that made me feel safe, I started to exhibit some anxious personality traits.

My husband has an avoidant attachment style. This was a problem because we would sometimes fall into an anxious-avoidant trap, and there was no proper communication to prevent and resolve that. After all, we were pretty young, and I’d say not mature enough to approach the relationship problems in a proper way. Nevertheless, over the years, I managed to build a lot of trust and I’ve started to feel safe. He was still avoidant, and he would occasionally do something that might seem worrisome, but I was secure enough to rationalize that away. Only later I figured I was actually just making excuses for him in my head. Ironically, the time when I trusted him the most, when I felt the most secure, coincided with the time when he was betraying me. How fucked up is that?! Needless to say, after DDay, my anxiousness system had gone through the roof.

Anyway, exploring the topic of attachment styles helped me to realize there is nothing wrong with me, and that he is at least partially responsible for making me feel safe, loved, desired, cherished, valued… (or, better to say, for not making me feel unsafe, not loved, not desired and so on). I believe it helped us to understand each other a bit better, identify concrete problems and situations which trigger our attachment systems, and to work on improving that. I wouldn’t say we are 100% there yet, but there is a significant improvement. The book that helped the most (we read it together) is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep – Love, by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Once he started to let go of his avoidance, I’ve started to feel I’m really valuable to him, and it became easier to let go of the fear of future betrayal. Which brings me to the second thing.

2) Realizing that indeed I am valuable. Even though I’ve always had a very high opinion of myself, and I’m one of the betrayed spouses whose self-esteem was not impacted by the betrayal, it is true I felt he thinks I’m not good enough for him, so eventually he’s gonna leave me / I’m gonna lose him. However, after the betrayal, I’ve changed my mindset. I am the prize, and if he leaves me / betrays me again, I’m not gonna lose him – he’s gonna lose me! Yes, he is smart, attractive, successful… but he is also a man who betrayed his woman. On the other hand, I’m also smart, attractive, successful… and I’m loyal and trustworthy. I am freaking awesome, and if he betrays me again, he will be the loser, not me! He is well aware of this change in my mindset. Howcthappen, honey, you are the prize! Stop being afraid of losing him, and you will see the fear of future betrayal disappearing.

Now, you can say it is possible he’s gonna go further underground, and you will not know about the betrayal. However, I wouldn’t be so sure about it. I believe betrayed spouses develop a special sense for betrayal detection which will stay with us forever. Even if you relax, stop living in fear, trust… the sense is there within you and it constantly monitors the environment, even though you are unaware of it. It will warn you if needed. Trust in yourself.

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As for the poor lowlifes you mention – they are too stupid to understand that they are not special, they are just there. If your or any other husband thinks that’s better prize than their spouse, well, then they’re not really a prize either.

However, after the betrayal, I’ve changed my mindset. I am the prize, and if he leaves me / betrays me again, I’m not gonna lose him – he’s gonna lose me!

I love this.

Hannah! OMG THANK YOU!

Everyone thank you so much!

I hope your words stick!!! I feel better in this moment.

I just want everyone to know that he is doing the work and then some.

HOWEVER- because he did it once I don’t trust him. I was blindsided because our sex life never changed. Our finances never changed.
Looking back there were signs that I chalked up to growing pains but they were indicators.

But please know he is putting in the effort.

I sometimes feel betrayed by God as well and my fear is intertwined with that as well.

Eliekmoss

Was he cheating with the same woman?

Was he cheating with the same woman?

Yep. Well she was hardly a woman since she was 18 (he was 37), but yes, same AP. And at least one other new AP between dday1 and dday2.