SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out my partner had cheated on me twice. I am devastated, what she did was wrong. But I can't sit here and say I didn't play a part.we have been together over a year and in that time I put very little effort in.she had given me multiple warnings about this problem and I just ignored them.

She knows that cheating was wrong, but says after a year of getting me to put some effort in she had just checked out. Another guy came along and showed her the attention I wasn't. She turned him down the first time. But the second time she gave in. She broke up with me when she got back.she works away.

She didn't tell me about the cheating. I found out myself.

I want to give it another shot and so does she, but is this the right decision. I didn't really make any demands of her, but she has decided to delete Snapchat and give me access to anything I want. She said she will look for a new job where she doesn't have to go away for weeks at a time.

I know she loved me at the start and over 12 months I destroyed that. if I put the effort in at the start none of this probably happens.

Even after she dumped me she still cared about me she just wasn't in love with me anymore.

We both know we need to change but is to much damage already been done? I don't condone cheating under any circumstances but nothing is ever black and white.

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by sammy101 at 4:37 AM, Sunday, December 25th]

Just move on -

Fix whatever you have been doing wrong - and then find another person for partnership

So you don’t give yourself high marks in his relationship.

Lesson learned.

But never a reason to cheat.

I think you should end this relationship and move on. You know she chose to cheat and whether your relationship was good or bad, that’s a sign that she lacks character and ethics.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:02 PM, Sunday, December 25th]

Cheating isn't much of a coping strategy, is it? Don't get me wrong, I think it's great when people take responsibility for their side of the street in a relationship. The bottom line though is that cheating is about character. It's about the relationship we have with our own values. When something is really important to us, like fidelity, we value it. We honor it. It's part of our operational system. We don't just throw it away because we're disappointed in someone, right? It's important to us.

This is not to say that your relationship is beyond hope of salvage, but rather, that your focus needs to be in the right place. Cheating is about the cheater. Nothing you do (or fail to do) can MAKE someone throw away their own values. Your WGF's core value of fidelity was weak and permeable. She needs to figure out who she is, what she believes in, and what made it okay for her to give herself permission for something she knew was wrong.

It takes two reasonably healthy partners to make R work. Is she willing to dig deep and figure herself out? If yes, then great. It sounds like you two are young and might have a wonderful life together. If she can't do this work though, she will be essentially the same person she is now, a person who uses other people to cope with life's drama and her own failings. If you take responsibility for that which SHE needs to change, she won't change, and you would be walking on eggshells until she eventually becomes disenchanted again.

IDK ... What were your commitments a year ago? What did she commit to?

Yeah my mind is in two places, on one hand I want to leave and the other side still wants to stay.
she put in all the effort for 12 months and I showed none in return. But still she could have just left me without the cheating.
she did leave me as soon as it started.

General Practice: If a woman leaves you and wants to return, be open to taking her back only if there was not another man involved. If another man was involved (even if there was no cheating - just a normal breakup) the only reason she is back is because things did not work out with him - making you the default 2nd choice/Plan B/placeholder-to-keep-her-busy-until-she-finds-a-suitable-replacement. My advice: Move on. Don't forget to learn from your mistakes and shortcomings and become the best version of yourself.

** venting as a member **

I really hate over-generalizations, particularly ones with no supporting data.

Human beings are complexes of thoughts, feelings, chemistry, and ?. Sometimes the chemistry drives thoughts and feelings. Sometimes thoughts and/or feelings drive the chemistry.

One can believe 'behavior A always means B' only if one sees human beings as very simple, mechanical creatures.

Sure, sometimes a WS's desire to return is an act of settling for plan B; sometimes not.

I'm not saying in any way that a BS should take a WS back in all cases.

I AM saying that rules of thumb are best ignored when recovering from infidelity. Instead of relying on rules of thumb, the BS needs to focus on whet they want, and if R is a possibility, the BS needs to take in the WS's actions for what they really are.

One trouble is that none of us can know if the WS's motivations are positive for R until the WS is given some rope and more than a little time to hang themself. So R is a risk. No BS is obligated to offer it - but so many variations in behavior have ended up in true R that it's unwise to believe much of anything outside of 1) what one thinks, feels, and wants and 2) what one observes in one's own WS.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, Friday, December 30th]

For me, it was worth it. But R is not for the faint of heart, it took YEARS of blood, sweat, and tears. I do not think we could have done it had the base of our relationship been as strong as it was.

I wonder, for you, if you were not willing to put the work into making the relationship good and strong before this, whether it would be possible to do so now.

General Practice: If a woman leaves you and wants to return, be open to taking her back only if there was not another man involved. If another man was involved (even if there was no cheating - just a normal breakup) the only reason she is back is because things did not work out with him - making you the default 2nd choice/Plan B/placeholder-to-keep-her-busy-until-she-finds-a-suitable-replacement. My advice: Move on. Don't forget to learn from your mistakes and shortcomings and become the best version of yourself.

I agree with this opinion, except I would change woman to cheater.

So lots of possibilities. First off I think you should end this relationship.

So by your own admission it was not a great year. In that year you ignored her and she cheated. Paraphrasing, but the gist, right?

I think it is fair to say that neither of you brought the best in each other. Further your WS has shown you what her coping mechanism is when she feels something is missing in a relationship.

Yeah, maybe she could change, maybe you could too.

My .02. Treat this as a learning experience and end the relationship. Neither of you brought out the best in each other. You both deserve the opportunity to find someone who does.

Further your WS has shown you what her coping mechanism is when she feels something is missing in a relationship.

^^^ This. I'm not really pro-R unless the WS is willing to do backflips, but I have come to my own conclusion that life is easier when you don't have the baggage of cheating to get over. Find someone you are more compatible with would be my advice as well.