First and foremost, I am so very sorry you are facing this horrific betrayal and the intense pain of the fall out. Truly I am. "Cheating" doesnt come close to describing what you're facing. In truth, this is what I call marital treason. Your CW did the one thing that would sever the marital/pair bond, possibly for good.
No, it wasn't just twice. I didn't explain that very well. Originally I was told it was once, 6 months prior. In reality, it went on for a year and ended a day before she confessed.
This isnt "Trickle Truth", this is Niagara Falls coming down on your head.... again. Theres a reason people say it here over and over again, Its not just the A that kills the possibility of starting over (cause the old M is well and truly dead), its the lies. Lying of this magnitude is catastrophic. It is no wonder you are still reeling.
So. Where to from here? Cooley2 gave a good synopsis:
You have three choices, you can stay, work on your marriage and hope you forget at some point. You can stay and accept that this is your marriage and hold a grudge for the rest of your life. You can leave and find happiness somewhere else and try to explain to your adult children why you’ve had to do this.
And goes on to say:
So, find a gym, walk, run, ride a bike, buy a Porsche. Get yourself something else to focus on by your self. She is not invited. You have to give your brain some downtime.
Herein, I believe, lies the key to recalibrating your efforts almost one year later, that being, focusing on you. If you remain in your current state:
So here I am in the gutter. I am as devastated as day 1 because of or maybe regardless of trickle truth. I have somehow avoided losing my job but I have been an absolute wreck this entire year. I haven't had even 1 full "good day". Just an occasional partial day of clarity/hope
Then what is this all for? Its obviously not sustainable. You need a reset, a new plan.
My recommendation is to cease the frantic efforts trying to help fix "the marriage". The very minute you started in on the "my marriage was stale" theme from the get go, I was concerned (her answer to fixing a "stale marriage" was to kill it btw...kinda like swatting a wasp with a hand grenade...problem solved but there are no survivors). As is said here ad infinitum, marriage is 50/50, adultery is 100% on the betraying spouse. If you are not pouring into yourself before all else right now, save your children, your chances of making it through this with a sustainable level of vitality in your life are measurably decreased.
What I mean is, eating right, hydrating, regular exercise somewhere out of the house, having a social life, individual therapy for the trauma/ptsd, getting help with anxiety and/or sleeplessness, taking up old or new hobbies, etc. When was the last time you went out for a beer or two with your buddies? The last time you went to a concert, a sporting event, a car race, anything that didnt involve "fixing the marriage" or helping the family? I am asking you to consider backing off the "save my marriage/make it better" efforts and start working on saving yourself and making you better. I know whereof I speak.
You dont need to cut off all efforts on the marriage front, maybe have a set weekly meeting to discuss where you are as a couple, but outside of that, no deep discussions for now. This may also mean sleeping in the guest room for a while, possibly even seperating. Anything to give you some space to regroup, re energize, recalibrate, recover. Start out by doing one new thing a week, just for you.
Good news is the decision about your future with or without your wife doesnt need to be made anytime soon, BUT, you need to be in a far better place to make it.
Listen, you are 44 years old youve got a lot of good years ahead of you. You seem to be a good guy. You obviously care about your family. You are gainfully employed. Youd be a sought after individual should you decide to D and put your cards on the table again. I have friend who was in a very similar situation and after much angst, chose D, and is shocked by the amount of attention he is getting from high quality ladies. Shocked I tell you.
I say that to say, you have options sir.
Strength to you and clarity in the days ahead.
[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 6:04 PM, Wednesday, December 14th]