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Oh, God! This whole thing is such a sordid mess; I don't even know where to start. I guess some background is needed to even begin communicating the emotional impact and complication my WS's betrayal has created in our lives. Maybe my experience isn't that uncommon, but it sure feels that way to me.

The first thing that needs to be said is that my wife and I are deeply involved in our religious community. This is going to be a major factor in understanding the context, so please bear with me if the details seem a little strange or too familiar. I will do my absolute best to only explain the necessary details and keep from including value judgements where the religious elements are concerned.

As of today, we have been [mostly] happily married for almost 19 years. We have five kids. Our oldest is sixteen, our youngest two. She has been an amazing mother to them the whole time. We live with her parents in a house that I built with her father who is now struggling with dementia, designed to accommodate both our families, and that we helped pay for, which is going to severely complicate things once I explain how this all went down. To make sense of the current situation, though, I'm going to have to start back in 2018.

2018: My wife was a teacher at a religious private school for several years to get free tuition for our kids. For the last two years, she'd taken two students, in particular, under her wing. Both kids, a girl, and a boy, come from abusive homes, and both had experienced sexual trauma in their past from relatives outside the home. They were both falling apart and failing out. My wife decided to do what she could to help them. She tutored them, talked to their parents, and got them into counseling, and by their senior year (2018) they had both done a complete 180. By the time they graduated, they were both spending a lot of time at our home to escape the unhealthy environments they lived in.

Shortly after graduation, my wife told me she felt prompted to offer them both to come and live with us. This was also when she was let go from her teaching position for unrelated (I think) reasons. They were both eighteen and wanted to get out of their situations as fast as possible. I wasn't sure how I felt, but I wanted to support my wife in the good she was trying to do, so I agreed. They were good kids, helpful, and didn't cause any trouble for us. They quarantined with us through covid and were a huge help when we all ended up getting sick. It didn't take long for them to start calling us mom and dad, and we basically adopted them into the family.

In our faith, it's traditional for young men to serve a proselyting mission, which they pay for themselves, when they turn eighteen. Around the end of 2019, the young man left for his two-year mission, and the young woman decided to try and reconcile with her dad who had divorced from her mother while she was living with us.

At the time, I was relieved when he left. Despite him generally being polite and helpful, he had just started rubbing me the wrong way. In retrospect, I think I was unconsciously already noticing warning signs that something was wrong. In particular, he was too attached to my wife. He followed her around like a lost puppy, and constantly wanted to talk through his feelings about his family of origin, mostly just with her. I don't think they were having sex yet, but it's clear their relationship was becoming too close and intense.

Prior to them moving in and for some time after, we had a healthy and fulfilling sex-life. Consequently, my wife was pregnant with our fifth child through most of 2019 and gave birth about a month before (I'm just going to refer to him as the AP from here on out) the AP left for his mission. It was around this time that all intimacy stopped. I didn't think too much of that because her libido tanked for several months while nursing our other kids as well. The problem this time was that it never came back. Then we started having other problems; tension in the marriage that I couldn't understand. She kept criticizing me or bringing up issues but refusing to articulate what resolving those issues would look like. Finally, after several arguments, and me trying every way I could think of to resolve our conflicts, she just said "we don't have that kind of relationship" any time I mentioned our intimacy issues. I started reading relationship books, especially the Gottman books, but I couldn't get her interested in reading them with me, or in working on our relationship really at all.

At this point, AP had been gone on his mission for about a year. Missionaries are encouraged to call home once a week and since we were essentially his only family, he called us. I was kind to him, and listened, gave advice from my own mission experiences, but I never really developed a parental-style bond with him. My wife on the other hand, completely adopted the role of a mother to him. She fought for him, advocated for him when he had a spot of health problems, went to her extended family when he needed help paying for his mission, and became extremely offended when anyone suggested she was anything less than his mother. To be honest, I chalked up a lot of warning signs to her adopting a mother role for him. He'd had a deeply troubled youth and was dealing with nightmares. He probably has a bit of PTSD, so I didn't think it was all that strange when he was calling quite a bit more than once a week, or at odd hours. She was just talking him through his emotional issues.

Fast forwarding a bit; our relationship kind of normalized. I stopped trying to initiate intimacy, which reduced our conflict. I continued trying to improve our relationship, making sure to text her during the day and say, "I love you," doubling down on trying to follow through on things I agreed to take care of, taking her out on dates, all of which she tolerated but found exasperating.

As AP's homecoming date approached, she began complaining to me increasingly about our real kids and becoming increasingly excited about AP coming home because he "is actually helpful!" and I began to dread the day he would come home. I could see signs that it would exacerbate our relationship issues, and cause problems for our kids as she showed him blatant favoritism.

2022: About six months before AP's homecoming, my wife asked me to look at an issue with her phone. While I was looking at it, I saw a text come in from him and noticed that he called her "my love," and called her beautiful. My heart dropped into my stomach and alarm bells started ringing loud and clear! Looking back; this was when I should have confronted her, but I didn't have time to look through her texts right then, and I didn't want to make unfounded accusations. For some reason it didn't even occur to me to just bring it to her and ask, "what the hell is this all about?"

I decided to wait until I could properly look at her text messages, but I didn't remember her passcode, and I didn't want to tip her off that I was suspicious. Over the next couple months, I convinced myself that I was reading too much into it. If there was one bedrock of our 18 years of marriage it was that I could trust my wife! Her whole personality is built around being trustworthy and fiercely loyal! I told myself that he was probably developing an unhealthy attachment to her because of his emotional issues, and that we would address it together when he got home.

Present: Well, he got home in the last week of October, and at first I thought my fears appeared to be unjustified. I started feeling guilty for not trusting my wife. Everything about their relationship appeared to be that of a mother and son! She scolded him for inappropriate jokes, or arguing with the other kids, we put him in the chore rotation with the other kids. When my mother-in-law expressed concern over her going places alone with him, she completely flipped her lid and expressed how entirely inappropriate that kind of concern was since he was practically our own child!

Then, in the first week of November, she asked me to look at her phone again and gave me the passcode. I looked at their most recent text messages and saw some things that hinted they might be working toward an emotional affair, but honestly, it didn't seem as bad as I was afraid it might be. It did seem strange, though, that the message history was shorter than it should be, as if she had deleted them all recently and only had a few days' worth of history.

About a week before thanksgiving, she blew up at me as we were going to bed because I had put my arm on her stomach under her shirt to snuggle the night before. She was irrationally angry about it and threatened not to let me sleep in our bed anymore if I did it again. That night I couldn't sleep. My stomach was churning, and I felt sick. Finally, around midnight, I carefully got out of bed and took her phone into the bathroom. Sure enough, now there were messages unmistakably about them having sex in the more recent text history. She didn't have Facebook messenger installed, but I saw that she had Facebook open on a tab in her browser, so I checked messenger there and they had been chatting for months before he got home about how excited they were to have sex when he got home.

And to really just drive home the weirdness, mixed in with all the sex talk are conversations about how proud of him she is for serving his mission, and following all our religious cultural norms after getting home. They even make plans to attend our Temple together right after talking about their orgasms. It's obvious they're completely blind to their own hypocrisy! They've constructed a delusional fantasy world where they are somehow able to entirely ignore the disconnect between what they're doing and what they believe! I'm not making any universal claims here about right and wrong, but it's hard to understand how they can act so inconsistently with their own professed worldview, and still think they are good pious people! It just blows my mind!

Needless to say, reading their text messages felt like my entire world was falling apart! Knowing is so much worse than suspecting. I can't eat, I can barely focus at work, I keep having panic attacks, and my blood pressure is through the roof. We've had such a busy holiday that I haven't confronted her yet, but we have a weekend to ourselves planned for this coming weekend, and I'm going to have the conversation there. Despite thinking of almost nothing else for the past two weeks, I have no idea what I will say, and no idea how it will go. Despite everything I don't hate her. I plan to offer the chance to reconcile on the condition that he leaves the house, she cuts off all contact, and we go to couples therapy, but I honestly don't feel confident she will choose that.

This is going to be such a complicated mess if we end up getting divorced!

TL;DR: So, to sum up; My wife of nineteen years is having an affair with a "man" who was practically our adopted son, and her former student. Also, he lives with us. She's been gaslighting me for at least a year, making me believe I was the cause of our intimacy issues. We already have five kids, the youngest being only two years old. We live in a house that we built and own with her parents, who live with us. And somehow despite extramarital sex being extra taboo in our faith culture, they're both convinced they are completely good, pious people despite going at it like rabbits. I'll be confronting her this weekend and I have no idea how it will go. FML!

Hi OP, welcome to SI, sorry you're here mate. [edited]

Dealing with cheating is bad enough, dealing with cheating with members of household is even worse, and then it's wrapped up in your religion making things worse again.

Cheated on husbands here have reconciled with cheating spouses as bad as your situation, but you have a long road ahead of you.

I say this with respect because she's because she's the mother of your children, there's no sugar coating that - your wife is manipulative, selfish, cruel, sneaky, a liar. She's gaslit you in a terrible way for over 2 years if I read your story right.

Sure your young kids need a mother, you need to balance that with the anger, shame, hatred you're going to feel after your confrontation You're going to have to eat all that anger if it's not going to be WW3 around your house.

You can't ask her to leave (for a while at least) to live with parents, they live with you. Does she have a sibling or close friend where she could go. I think a bit of separation from her might do you good. I don't think I'd recommend you leave the home, no signals to the courts you're abandoning the family.

Talk to lawyer this week, lay it all out to them and talk thru do's and don't for the next few weeks. Formulate a plan with your lawyer if you can. You need to understand where you stand legally in your jurisdiction. Do you have a brother, father, good friend you can share this with. If yes, do so. Lower your feelings of being alone.

To reconcile I would think - you're going to need to see remorse from your wife, your wife in individual counseling so she can understand why she did this with the hope she'll learn not to do it again. You're very religious... any counselling you get over this I would avoid church counsellors. Talk to a counsellor with no religious affilation. You have enough religion entangled in this already. Understand as well, your marriage is likely to be a rollercoaster likely for a couple of years. I mean you so frustrated you want to scream rollercoaster.

Others can advise about exposure. You may need to shine a light on this sordid affair to keep these two away from each other.

Strength to you man, you got a lot on your plate here.

One last bit of advice... occasionally you're going to get harsh advice here. Try to ignore it and concentrate on the good advice- it's coming.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:12 PM, Thursday, December 1st]

Welcome Friend, I am sorry that it is these circumstances which brought you here.

I would NOT offer your WW the gift of reconciliation when you confront. The LAST thing you want to be doing is any sort of begging, and this includes trying to "win" your WW back. The SECOND-TO-LAST thing you want to be doing is hiding from your WW the consequences of her actions and letting HER be the decision-maker as to whether you R or D. You have the right to decide to D. History on here has shown this time and time again: The only chance your WW will "wake up" is if she sees the damage her actions have done, to you AND your family, and the consequences for her horrible choices. And the only chance you have of saving your marriage is if **your WW** is willing to do the heavy lifting. Now, protecting yourself and your children is your Job 1.

Meanwhile, yes, on that note, you need to talk to a lawyer to protect yourself and your children.

Again, I am sorry that it is these reasons that brought you here. This is probably the last thing you want to deal with, especially now--around the holidays.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:25 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

Affairs thrive in the fantasy world of secrecy. Once you drag them into the light of day and exposure cheaters sing a different tune. She may or may not wake up to her hypocrisy. She may think that if she can bind this kid to her it’s true love. Fact is that it’s not just all of the tenets of your religion that she’s ignored.

She was in a position of authority and mentorship as a teacher to a kid from an abusive home. She could have modeled for him not only how a teacher behaves, but a family. Does she really think the best thing for a kid from that background is a married woman with 5 kids? Is that how he should forge into adulthood? What a crappy selfish thing to do to someone she claims to care about.

She used not only family resources but the actual house hold to cross boundaries that should have NEVER been crossed.

I would dig into why she was let go from her job at the school. It’s worth investigating.

Get proof. Keep it in a safe spot. While there may be much to untangle in divorce, you can’t reconcile alone. Get some legal advice as soon as possible. You don’t have to act just learn your options.

In confrontation do not promise forgiveness or reconciliation. Be firm in what you know and do not cry or beg to stay together. There will be much advice soon to give you a good game plan .

You can’t accept what is not acknowledged. Get a full timeline. Get the phone and get the information and check out your finances to see if she’s used any family money

I’m so sorry that your trust was so ruthlessly abused by your wife and someone you genuinely tried to help

Sorry you find yourself here. We all know the pain you are feeling.

Understand that your WW’s A is not unusual in and of itself. Your WW made a decision to pursue a sexual relationship with a younger man. It’s a fantasy. An escape. She lies, deceives and gaslights to keep the fantasy going. She will not give it up easily. And it is not unheard of here for people of faith who are cheating on their spouse, to see no inconsistency with their faith. It’s irrational but it happens.

What do you do? Take care of you and your health first. Also be there for your children. Get IC for yourself. Your WW has been cheating on you for a long time. Your children will need support whether you R or D. Get tested for STD’s promptly.

Do not do the pick me dance. Always value yourself. You cannot nice her back. You must be firm and strong. Accept no blame for her cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She cheated with her AP because she wanted to do it. You are not a perfect spouse. Neither is she, but you did not cheat. You can only control you. If she wants to run off with her AP you cannot control her. Don’t be too quick to say you want to R. Watch her actions.

See an attorney and learn your rights and what a D might look like.

When you confront be calm but firm. Tell her you know she is cheating. Don’t ask. Don’t ask why. She has to stop the A immediately and get him out of your house, otherwise you have nothing to work with. This is an untenable living situation. He has to leave. Be prepared that she may go with him. Remember you deserve to have a loving faithful partner. Your WW is unfaithful and has been treating you like crap for a long time. Stop accepting her poor treatment and assert yourself.

Read and implement the 180. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:27 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)]

OC,

Secure all your evidence before you expose.

Keep your mouth shut and eyes/ears open until you have gathered all you can.

This is a difficult one since you can't blame the kid although you want to.

One story I remember like this was when I was about 14 or so my friends Mom was infatuated with a 16 year old and how my fiend seemed incredulous when his Mom was going to the store with him. Not sure what ever happened there but it was the 1970's and crazy stuff went on.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this club nobody wants to join. I don't have time for a length response, but a few points:

First, your WW's affair is pretty cliche in terms of its arc and its etiology. The details are unique (the religious setting and the quasi-familial relationship), but they are just surface details. At its core, your WW's affair is a completely cliche "mid-life crisis" affair, the same had by many of the cheating wives on this site. Nothing special about her cheating. She is, at core, a cheater, and a liar.

Second, take care of yourself physically. Stay off the booze. Exercise as much as you can -- to exhaustion. Create psychological space for yourself.

Third, make copies of the texts and messages. Send them to yourself on your phone, so you have the evidence. Otherwise, she will almost certainly go on a deleting spree, and then deny, deny, and deny.

Finally, read up on two things: "The 180" (you can find articles on that in The Healing Library here) and the concept of "DARVO".

Edited Later

Get copies of the evidence BEFORE you confront. I can't emphasize that enough.

Don't try to "win" her back by being "nice" or a "better husband" or anything like that. She's a grown woman who has chosen to arrogate the right to decide, secretly, that her half of the marriage would be secret, one-sided open marriage. I'm assuming that's not the marriage you want. Since she has chosen to define it that way, here is what you say: "Wife, I love you, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy. By your actions, you have shown me beyond doubt that what makes you happy is sneaking around and having sex with AP. I want you to know that you have my blessing and, now that it's out in the open, you are free to have as much sex with the AP as you wish. But not as my wife. I won't share you with another man, and especially not with a kid. So I'm taking steps to end our marriage. I assume this is what you want, as you have demonstrated with your actions."

There is a phrase "double betrayal" that is often used when a cheating spouse cheats with a close friend or relative. Your WW's infidelity is a classic case of "double betrayal." Actually, as I think about it, it's "triple betrayal" given that she is also flagrantly and consciously flouting the religious convictions that each of you professes to hold so dear.

As to the house, depending on the laws of your state, you have a claim for recovery of value you have injected into the house. To that end, like others, I would urge you to spend the money to consult with a good divorce lawyer for an hour. This is NOT to file a divorce. Rather, it is to get a solid understanding of what divorce would look like for you, under the laws of your state. Do it before you confront. Information is power.

When you confront, remember two things: (a) she is likely to respond completely differently than what you expect or even imagine. Therefore (b) remember at all times, you cannot control the outcome. Do NOT try gambits such as threatening divorce hoping it will incite her to respond by begging you to stay, etc. The only thing you can control is you. Find your direction, and take your action.

Around here we say that where infidelity is concerned, find a boat, point it away from the infidelity, and row as hard and as fast as you can. If she wants to preserve the marriage, she will figure out a way to swim out and catch up to you, understanding that she too will be also rowing away from the infidelity.

Obviously, given the closeness, you'll need to expose this to your family and to your community, since kicking the punk out of your house is the first and most obvious step you need to take. He's an adult, so you owe him nothing in terms of alternate shelter. Just kick his ass out, period. If it were me, on the way out, I'd make him wear a sandwich sign that reads: "I'm a thankless punk. I sneaked around and secretly fucked the wife of a generous man who took me under his roof and treated me like his own son when I was in need."

Get your self-righteous indignation worked up. You deserve it.

Understand that your WW's A is totally cliche. A married woman, of a certain age, done having kids, experiencing the normal existential crisis ("Is this all there is?") that millions of married people successfully navigate without cheating, but your WW decided she is special, that she has the right to disavow her marital promises, her religious beliefs, social expectations, her familial responsibilities. Based on that decision, she has chosen to have sex with a boy whom her husband is selflessly helping. Clearly there is something broken in her moral compass. She is not an individual worthy of trust of any sort, and in particular the deep level of fiduciary trust that underpins marriage. For this reason, marital counseling is a waste of time for you at this point. Until she spends a lot of time in IC, fixing what is broken in her, there is no chance of forging a new relationship with her.

Notice I've used words like "decide" and "choice". Do NOT let her get away with using the word "mistake". A mistake is leaving your key in your car, or using baking powder instead of baking soda. Your WW has made, at this point, thousands of individual choices and decisions to enable her cheating. She has lied to you innumerable times, both by commission and intentional omission. She has lied so deeply and so profoundly that, by now, lying is her normal. I say this because you should not expect truth from her when you confront her. Chances are very high that she has also lied to herself, created a construct in her mind that paints you as an abusive, controlling monster whose behavior warrants and justifies being betrayed in the most profound, emasculating, humiliating of ways.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 2:44 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

I’m am so sorry.

Listen your wife is not in her right mind. She is in a magical fantasy land.

Negotiating and talking with her is not going to save your marriage. A deep heart to heart will not help you.

You need to take strong action immediately.

Get those messages and send them to your self and keep them somewhere safe.

You need to talk to a lawyer right now. Set that up immediately. You need to know your rights.

You need to go for everything. Do not show any kindness when it comes to custody or money.

You need to throw that kid out on his ass immediately and expose both of them to your church.

He needs to be gone. Completely forever. Even if he homeless. That’s not your problem. You can never save your family with him in the picture in anyway.

Honestly the sister needs to be gone too. No trace of this can linger. This whole adoption is now forever tainted.

I know it’s mean but your marriage has no chance without extreme consequences.

You may lose your marriage either way but shattering their fantasy world will give you the best chance.

She may leave in the short term. But if you fight for your self and blow this bullshit up she will probably snap back to reality and come back.

If she doesn’t at least you will be in a better place to move on with your life.

Better than the situation you are in right now.

If you do nothing this will probably get worse.

Ready to raise his kid?

By the way dna test that last kid. If it’s his then she committed a crime.

She got angry when you put your arm around her. That’s because she is in love with him.

Make no mistake that’s because she is in love with him. She did not want to cheat on him with you. They are the relationship.

You are just the nanny and maintenance man.

I’m sorry to say that. It’s not meant to be mean it’s meant to snap you out of your fog.

You are in a fog your self. Your family has just been destroyed. You love her. It’s understandable. But you need to take drastic action and quickly. A full shock and awe campaign.

It’s not time for revenge. It’s time to fight for your safety and your family.

It’s not time right now for deep talks and negotiations. It’s time to get angry.

Talk to a lawyer. Call them right now. Tell them everything. Follow their advice exactly.

Do not go easy. You want as much money and custody as possible.

You have a 16 year old no way to hide it from your kids. Just be honest.

Kick that s@&t out of your house and out of your life forever. Don’t give a crap about what happened to him.

Kick her ass out as well. That’s the quickest way to wake her back to reality. You

Expose them to the church. Don’t protect her. They can never interact or be in the same room again for any reason. No forgiveness for him at all.

Go through the house and remove every trace of him. If he touched it burn it.

If she snaps out of it then you will get some different advice but right now there is no logic or deep talk that’s going to help.

And there is no situation where anyone in your family can ever speak to him ever again for any reason.

You have been abused for a long time now. It’s time to take some power back.

I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you.

This ^^^ is good OP from Confused282. Action right now, not whining "are you leaving me?", "don't you love me anymore?".

Hell no.

As others have said, find out why the job ended... what's been left unsaid were the two of them caught having hanky panky.

I think it would be wise to DNA your youngest.

Your lawyer can advise if there has been child sexual abuse here by your wife. Don't know what the age limit is where you live, you should find out. More reason to talk to school officials, maybe your lawyer should. Fair chance a religious school might stonewall you, maybe not your lawyer though.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 2:20 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

It is a VERY bad idea to decide on reconciliation at this moment. Way too early. It actually reduces the chances of a true reconciliation. All options must be on the table including separation and divorce...and it can't just be a bluff.

I'm LDS and my jaw is on the floor, I can hardly believe it, so I can't imagine how you feel. Even if you THINK there might be a chance to reconcile, don't offer it now. See an attorney. Blow it up. I wouldn't feel bad about letting your older kids know so they don't blame you. Get it front of it. Get in front of her. Get back on that phone. Take screenshots. Don't give her the option to deny.

Edited to add: If you're in Utah, they've come a long ways, but they're still not at the top of the paternal rights list. Cover ALL of your bases.

[This message edited by AmIAnIdiot15 at 3:08 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

Before you confront:
- Make copies of the proof and hide it somewhere
- Consult with lawyers
- Be Ready to put him out of the house immediately, his sister too.
- Don't offer her shit.

Once you confront:
- Don't beg her, don't offer her shit
- Don't accept any bullshit lies, rationalizations, or minimizations. Don't let her gaslight you
- Tell her parents too
- DNA test your youngest
- Tell her to leave (You can't legally make her leave, but I wonder how she would feel if the community found out about her exploits?)

***

This is a particularly nasty one. I am not sure how you move forward with this woman. That's up to you if you want to.

Good luck.

OP, your wife had an affair for 1 year (more?), with an 18 year old, who lived in your house and called you Dad.

^ this is going to be a very tall order to reconcile, you're going to have to mentally twist yourself into pretzels to be able reconcile this.

I'm not being mean here, but you really should be considering the possibility of separation and divorce if reconciliation fails.

Oh wow! Thank you everyone for your responses and advice!

I have already taken screenshots of her texts and have them stored in my OneDrive vault for safe keeping.

I've seen a lot of advice to see an attorney and to get a paternity test. I have been thinking long and hard about the possibility that my youngest isn't mine. My conclusion is that I don't care. She just turned 2 and she's the brightest thing in my life right now. She's my daughter no matter what. I have talked to an attorney briefly on the phone, but just to make sure AP can't demand paternity rights if she does turn out to be his, and apparently that's not a likely concern in my state because she's over two now and my name is on the birth certificate. I do realize, though, that I will have to get her tested eventually because if she's not mine, she'll need to know for medical reasons. I'm not looking forward to that.

As to whether I should offer reconciliation, the advice not to for now makes sense to me. My question is, should I still confront her this weekend or should I go straight to blowing everything up? I can't hate her and I have no desire for revenge, but I also won't be her cuck, and I won't lie down if she goes on the attack. I still have my own self respect and I have to think of my kids.

[This message edited by OxfordComma at 3:28 AM, Thursday, December 1st]

Please, please, please be careful when taking counsel from your religious leaders. They are unlikely to be experts in handling infidelity and may encourage you to forgive quickly and rugsweep the affair in order to preserve the appearance of a good marriage. While they may have good intentions, rugsweeping and quick forgiveness will backfire eventually.

As to a confrontation vs blowing everything up, I think a confrontation first is probably the way to go, so you can gauge her response, but other more experienced people will know better than me.

Hmmm, blowing everything up directly seems like a reasonable choice. Confrontation gives her the chance to argue and you have the texts (Which I think includes the Facebook messages too, I hope?)

What does blowing things up mean to you? Divorce papers? Tossing the kid and his sister out? You tell us.

With regard to your little baby girl. The point of the DNA test is not to delegitimize her, the point is to know. For one thing, that will give you a time frame, second and more importantly, it gives you genetic information that will be important to her later in life.

3rd and fourth, since you want her, then you need to be CERTAIN that you can keep her as your daughter. Don't be surprised if a kid (and wife) this sleazy try to use her against you.

You have to get it legally decided that even if she is not your blood (And I hope she is), that she remains your daughter.

ALSO ALSO ALSO!

Get a voice activated recorder and make sure you are recording when the time comes, and afterwards as well!

I wouldn't even use it in voice-activated mode. Get a 32GB card, record in the highest-quality mp3 mode and you have hundreds of hours of recording time.

Do not be surprised of what people can do when their back is against the wall! False domestic violence charges, vile threats, and more.

My friend, you do not know your wife! As ugly as this is, be prepared to see under the rock!

Good luck, and my heart hurts for you my friend. You will be okay! Coming out with strength is key!

Exactly! You have to value yourself. You have to have self respect. You have to think of your kids. That’s why you see an attorney to learn your rights and how custody works.

The goal here is to get out of infidelity. There are only two paths, R or D. You cannot R with an unremorseful WW who continues in her A. I would confront her and let her know you know she is cheating. Don’t ask her if she is cheating. And give her a chance to end it. Period. Do not tolerate any blameshifting or arguing. Be calm and firm. It ends now. The AP has to leave. There is no bargaining here. There is no “I need time to think.” And be ready to deal with her response. If she does not choose your M, be prepared for your next move. Separation? Where do the kids go? Can you force her to leave with the AP? Will her parents support you staying with your children in your current home? You need to think and plan, to achieve the goal of getting out of infidelity, R or D. Keep it simple and firm: your M can be salvaged if, you decide that is what you want. And if your WW is willing to end her A, and do the work on herself that allowed her to cheat with a young man living with you. She is broken. Your trust is broken. It is up to her to rebuild it.

You need to see an attorney immediately and also a psychologist as well, OM is young and abused his whole life and is no sleeping with his mother figure. This can go very very bad.

This is awful. Your wife is not in a fog. This is deliberate sordid behaviour, with possible grooming of a minor whilst she was a teacher even if the sexual relationship didnt start until he was an adult.

She gave you her phone to fix because it thrilled her to deceive you. There is something very wrong.

I am so sorry. Go and see a doctor to help you through the shock.

Be kind to yourself. Of course you wouldn't imagine anything like this could happen. I was baffled too when my ws went cold to me. He was planning to leave for ap. I was gaslighted a long time too like you were. Trying hard to be the best partner I could be. Never think that was bad. You were not getting the truth.

I think your ws should be kind to ap and let him go. How can he have a healthy life with her? She's been selfish too long. The sooner she cuts contact, the sooner she begins to get her mind out of where it's been for a long time now.

She can't be married and starving you for what a partner should be. This is wrong and hurtful. You hav3 been good to her, her parents, your kids, the abused kids so where is her gratitude? And she can abuse you for her own selfish arrogance now? No. That all ends. You tell her how she's taken advantage. You get some truth into her. No more lies and nonsense. No excuses. No blame. You're not there to keep things going while she has her fun.

I was there too. Keeping things at home going while he traveled the world having fun. Taking the ap along on jobs. Lying to me and giving me the prickly attitudes like I was an annoyance. You tell her it's not right.

You're good and kind and decent. You don't have to tolerate disrespect. Somehow she's told herself this is OK. You tell her it's not.

Whatever you decide, stand in strength of what you know is right. Do not accept any halfway measures. The whole thing stops right now. No contact between them. She tells the truth about anything you ask.

You're in control. You decide.