SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You are seeing this clearly. When anger comes, reflect on it and let it go.

No need to carry the hurt of the past with you. Learn from your experience and go forward. She's made a choice now and doesn't look great for her. That's sad but I do think she tried in earnest with you in the past. Not excusing her bad actions recently. You need to work on your health for yourself not anyone else.

I think your story is sad. I wish you both could have found a way but here you are and so take what you have learned and give your best self in the future. No excuses why you can't. You can.

At your age you should be looking for an adult. Someone not damaged. If people bring damage from childhood they often seek out the same people over and over as adults, by trying to fix their childhood. It can’t be done that way. Whatever you needed to do for her, and with her, and by her, was something you brought along with you. Whatever she needed from you she brought along from her own childhood. You need good therapy to help you make better decisions for yourself when it comes to relationships but you cannot fix her. It’s going to take all of your energy to get yourself going in the right direction and you will have none left over for her. If you pay attention to children you will see them at different stages with different behaviors. If you look at her behavior you will see that she has been stuck in a particular age as a child and she will continue to do this with anyone she meets. We often think that love will solve everything but the reality is based on a huge amount of research it’s been found that brains are altered when children suffer from abuse and neglect. It takes years to redo that brain and sometimes it’s never done completely. You are not her parent you are certainly not going to be able to be her friend because she has deep seated needs that no one can help except possibly long-term therapy and I would not bank on that. It makes me sad when I read about someone like that because I know she’s going to continue this kind of behavior, probably for the rest of her life.

And you do not need to rescue anyone. Find someone who doesn’t need rescuing.

Good luck!

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:06 PM, Friday, November 18th]

So an update, it's not totally infidelity related this time but still a punch in the gut. Those of you who know my story, well, she didn't come crawling back, but she came waltzing by, I guess you can say. She called about some divorce paper questions, and we ended up talking for a few hours then she was driving by so stopped by to talk more and see the dog.

She basically said she realized over the past few weeks that the age gap (her 28, AP 20) is too big, and he has other issues, shes coming out of the affair fog, blah blah, so she's backing off that whole affair.

So, I thought, maybe this is my chance at R, should I so want it. She then goes on to tell me that even though shes backing off with AP, she wants to try dating other people. Still doesn't want R with me, she wants to still "find herself" and "see what's out there". Her phone was buzzing non stop the whole time with dating app notifications. She went on to tell me how many d*ck pics she was getting and how it was crazy how many guys just wanted sex or how some wanted long term relationships instantly blah blah. She said she would love to be friends for now and MAYBE something MIGHT happen down the road, but she really just needs to try the dating world.

Still no big apology about the affair either.

Now, had she just divorced me without the affair, and said all that above about wanting to see what's out there and date, OK, we are humans and have a propensity to look for better/upgrade/hypergamy whatever you want to call it. I would have to just suck it up and say alright, that is your right and choice, good luck.

It still is, obviously, her right to date, but it just feels like a double gut punch that she first had an affair, broke my heart, made me feel second choice, and I was on here saying it was sad that I didn't even get the begging and pleading a lot of you BS's get, she just left me for him.....and now that the AP is flicking out, she STILL didn't come groveling back to me and I'm STILL back burner/second choice. It's a huge hit to my ego and really getting to me.

I told her I'd have to think about being friends, as much as I want the chance to R with her, I don't think I could be friends with her knowing she's dating other people, it would feel like the pain I felt after I found out about the affair and she stopped hiding AP from me all over again, and I can't just be a safety net.

If you have it in you to give her some kind advice about choosing herself for a time and not going on a wild man binge. To be careful about getting in a bad situation with someone.

You both did care for each other. There can be kindness and respect.

Both of you can talk honestly and with compassion.

I'll be honest your last post made it sound like she enjoys not only sticking the knife in but giving it more than a few turns. Everything she said about dick pics/sex blah blah blah, backs that up.She knows exactly whats shes doing to you.
You'll do well to have nothing to do with her.

Remember her panic attacks and falling on the ground puking she was so sorry? Your Ex is a broken person. She chases toxic relationships. You can’t save her. She doesn’t want to be saved. Her future is of broken relationships. Grieve the loss of your M. Take care of you. Time is your ally. Good luck.

I originally typed a long post but it's hard to give what I think is the best advice at this point without it sounding like you are at fault for the affair.

Her affair isn't your fault and what she did to you was bordering cruel.

With that being said I think you have some work to do on yourself before entering another relationship. You just can't emotionally and sexually neglect your significant other for such a long period of time. It usually doesn't end well. Usually divorce and many times an affair comes first.

Yes she should have talked to you before she decided to move on. I think her way of trying to tell you her needs weren't being met was prancing around in new langerie to try get a rise out of you. It may be immature on her part but I think was her way of trying to communicate.

What she did to you is not your fault but it would still be in your best interest to work out your own issues before moving on to a new relationship or even reconciliation.

I can't just be a safety net.

Then act like it. Go full NC. No more 'drive bys' and chat, no more visiting the dog, in other words, no more contact... ever.

By keeping in touch with her, you are letting yourself be traumatised over and over again. Your anxiety will shoot through the roof all the time.

This is not Red Pill stuff, but common sense: You should never keep in contact with people who are toxic for your health. Do what is best for you for the long term. Talking with your WW may soothe your mind for the short term, but destructive for the long term, as you lose more and more of your self-respect every day.

She keeps in contact with you, as she is grooming you to take her back when she has sampled all the sweets in the shop. A fall-back plan.

Look it, no one's perfect, but for heaven's sake no more of her waltzing by. She's enjoying winding you up.

You listened to her tell you about all the dick pics she's receiving? Come on man, now you're just being masochistic.

As others have advised, it's no contact time.

Let her and her poisonous mess steer well clear of you. This one's just going to hurt you.

Find someone better. Make new memories with her.

You are a glutton for punishment, aren't you?

My earlier post was that when you are completely out of her life and there is no contact between you, you can finally start your heal.

I hope that happens for you.

When I was in my early 20s, I was crazy about my BF. Long story short he was very emotionally abusive. Bad temper (but no physical violence). He drank too much. He smoked excessively. He liked to put me down. But I loved him and wanted to marry him.

I eventually got out but the thing I learned is you cannot "fix" people AND what I thought was love was just drama and crap that I mistakenly believed was love.

Your wife — while you describe her as a good wife for years — has some serious issues that you now realize cannot be fixed by you. Her obsessive behavior with this guy is one of them. It appears it was just a matter of time before this happened.

So I don’t see this as a waste of 8 years b/c you hopefully learned a few things.

Wow...you need to work on your 180.

No contact means no contact!

How are you doing?

pureheartkit

How are you doing?

Thanks for reaching out.

Well, I've been particularly stupid, trying not to be too hard on myself as this is my first time dealing with anything like this, but I know better and should be listening to the advice you all have been giving me.

I've remained in contact with her as of my last post comment, with her texting me daily, talking about things we are going to do on the vacation etc. This past Saturday, she randomly asked me to come over. When I got there, she just had a silk robe on, so I knew what it was about. Afterwards, she said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you over here just for that" and proceeded to show me pictures of a girl she's "talking to" and read and reply to her hundreds of tinder and snapchat messages from guys while laying next to me. I tried to say hey what the heck but at the same time I had agreed to try dating her while she's also "trying out the dating world" so I wasn't sure if I had any right to complain.

The real kicker is, after that night, she became distant, barely texting at all, and said she was just depressed due to the holidays, then stopped texted at all Monday-Tuesday. I figured it might have been since we had sex too and she was confused. She finally texted me Wednesday and I had her call me. She tells me that the day after we had sex, ex-AP came back, they hung out and had sex and had a really good time so she asked if they were finally dating like she always wanted, and he once again said no, he just wants friends with benefits, so THAT'S why she was so upset. I told her well, 2 weeks ago you told me it was over with AP and it didn't matter what he did or said, that you just wanted to try dating apps for awhile and try to date me too....so what happened? She said " I thought I was over him, I really did, I still don't know what it is about him, my therapist things it's a trauma bond or something".

So I said, "tell me this, if he had said yes and he wanted to be in a relationship, would you have cancelled our vacation and stopped talking to me?" She paused for a bit and said "yes".

So at that point I was like well it's obvious you are no over him at all, and that was my line in the sand last time. She said well he said no so can we just do the vacation please, I really just need to feel like myself for a few days, and you feel like a stranger to me and it's so fucking sad (she started crying). I said I had to go and left it at that.

I know I shouldn't go on the vacation, and she hasn't talked to me since that conversation either, so in all reality she might still cancel if no-so-ex AP suddenly changes his mind.

I am well aware that I'm being a doormat/safety net, so why do I let this happen? I am just so hurt, I miss her so much, I know I am grasping at the temporary relief I get when we talk, when it's just prolonging the pain and healing I need to start doing since it's pretty obvious where this is headed.

I think part of me says "you neglected her and made her feel so alone and hurt for at least a year, maybe you need to just suck it up and try and let her be happy at YOUR expense for once, for a little while at least.

I know that isn't logical, but my brain hasn't been very logical lately.

So, what are you expecting from this website? If you don't want to stand up for yourself then no amount support from this website will be of any help to you. It really breaks our heart to see when betrayed spouses choose to pain shop and give all the power to the unremoresful abuser.Please, stop this ASAP. Stand up for yourself and don't let her kill your self esteem and dignity. Don't let your world revolve around her. Your relationship with her is dead. Mourn it. And move on. Take control of your life.

Foog, do you know what the prize for "winning" the pick me dance is? It’s an unremorseful, and in your case, active cheater.

Go to the healing library here and read the simplified 180. Other recommendations: Cheating in a Nutshell, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing and The Body Keeps the Score. Start moving forward out of infidelity.

Sounds like now you have a friends with benefits relationship with her.

If she's really pretty maybe that's not so bad. Other than she sounds a bit unbalanced at this point, "don't stick your dick in crazy" may be applicable.

so can we just do the vacation please

I think you either reply "your dreamy new boyfriend can take you on vacation", or, you go on a friends with benefits vacation with her where she gets the vacation and you get sex with her.

Your days of a monogamous relationship with her are over, she's chasing other men. If you want a monogamous relationship then find a new, better girlfriend.

When you're having sex with her, wrap it up, look after your health.

Not sure asking anyone here anything else is worth their time anymore.

She has you twisted up, you know it, you honestly seem to not care that she does. Sorry mate, this is all on you now. You've received some great advice and refuse to listen to any of it any longer than it takes to read it.
Shes using you for that vacation. What a surprise that is.
Clearly you both need counseling.

Good luck

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 9:36 PM, Friday, December 2nd]

@foog2

This is sadly pathetic, you need to get some self-respect.

You realize that if you go on vacation with her it will be an extended drawn-out version of the other day that you went over there. She will respond to Tinder propositions and dating sites while in bed with you. And from the joy she gets from torturing you, it wouldn't surprise me that if she found some guy she was interested in she'd hook up with him right in front of you then ask you to give her some time with him in YOUR room while you wait outside.

Don't do this to yourself.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 12:41 AM, Saturday, December 3rd]

It's tough to love someone who's toying with your heart. She shouldn't be flaunting others in front of you. I talked often with my ws while I knew he was still chatting with ap. I missed our talks. I missed the connection. If she's going to be hurtful when you're reaching out, that's not going to be healing for you. The only way I could get past it was to get busy and fill up my life.