SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

14 months post dday. Its been an exhausting year and I have not forgiven WH. I don't think about it every day anymore and thought we were going in a positive direction. I had one condition to reconcile - don't lie to me ever again about anything. No more secrets. Just communicate what's going on whatever it is and we can figure out next steps together but don't lie. (Childhiid trauma nonsense lying is a nonstarter for me and he's known since year 1 of marriage) I have asked WH to his face about tobacco products (I'd smell it) and he'd swear no use. Today I found chew. ( ) as he quickly pulled it away. I said what's that and he lied. I'm not fn blind what is that. He said it was a friend's. (First what kind of teenage bs is that?! Second you are lying to my face! 3rd he said it was the same friend as who's house he said he was at when he was having A.) After telling him i really dont want anything to do with him he admitted to having used it for a few years. I've come to terms he's a liar. I want to be done. If we didn't have a kid I'd have filed after dday. But I really really don't want to blow up my 8 yo duaghters life.
She knows somethings wrong. If she asks I usually say oh dad broke a really big promise that hurt my feelings a lot or dad broke the lying rule so I'm very upset.
I don't think I'll ever trust him and that's not a M I want to be in. I don't know what to do and am pretty sure I'm going to regret any decision.

I’m sorry your H resorts to lying as his first response.

It is a learned behavior unfortunately and when it becomes ingrained, it is hard to change.

He lied to avoid your dissatisfaction believe it or not.

I’m not making excuses b/c dealing with a liar is infuriating! 😡 and not yo mention maddening.

Counseling could help. But only if he really wants to change.

You may just have to accept he is a liar. Then what?

There are ways to lose the anger. If you KNOW he is lying you can always call him out on it. When he lies you can very calmly say "I know that not the truth and this conversation cannot continue if you are going to lie". Leave the room. Suspend all interaction on the topic.

If dine rationally and calmly (by you) it may have an impact on him.

It may bring about some change.

After my H’s affair I have a very short fuse with lying. It took me a long time to get over.

Your husband is a coward.

I'm the WS. During my very brief EA, I lied unconsciously by omission, but as soon as I stopped lying to myself, I confessed and told my husband everything--- more than he asked for or even wanted to know. Anytime I've had the urge to lie, I've recognized it as fear-based and stared it down.

I do not like liars, and I can't stand what I turned into. I, too, have childhood trauma, and I have trust issues myself regarding my husband. He has his own older history of wayward behavior and of me catching him in lies. He seems to have matured and I haven't caught him out on any lies recently.

If your husband is still lying about something little like chew, even caught red-handed, I would be concerned. If he will lie about little things, he won't have the courage when he really needs it to be honest about bigger things.

I've learned (about myself) that I will stay in abusive situations, but I can't take lies. Cheat on me, but tell me you are doing so. Hit me, and I will try not to provoke you next time. But lie to me? I'm one step out the door unless I see genuine improvement.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 11:59 AM, Wednesday, November 16th]

[This message edited by soulstuck at 4:20 AM, Sunday, November 13th]

I have repeatedly told my WH that the lies are the worst part of his many betrayals. Just after D-Day (8 months ago), I told him that I will not tolerate any further lies. Tell me everything you've ever done. Lay it all out on the table. If you tell me now, I will be grateful for the truth and decide how to deal with it. If I find out you're still lying, it may not go so well for you. He told me a few things I hadn't heard before. They were hurtful things, but I processed through them with him and my IC. About 6 weeks ago, we started seeing an MC. Around the same time, I had discovered a few things on his computer that just weren't adding up. I don't think he's still in contact with the AP, but a few clues told me they were in contact after he told me he had gone NC with her. I asked him, point-blank, in front of the MC and he reluctantly said yes, there were about 2 more weeks of emails after D-Day to "wrap up and close out" the A. This really hurt as I now know that while I was in such gripping, bewildering pain those first few weeks, he was still trying to "let her down easy" and give her the "closure" that "she needed." It was still about her.

The next week, the MC asked him if he had any further secrets/lies to share. She said, "We really need to get the lies out of this marriage. You need to tell her everything you've been holding back." He said, "But I don't want to hurt her." The MC said, "Look at her. She's already hurt. The secrets and lies will damage her more if you don't tell her now." So he took a deep breath and told me more about his behavior from 20 years ago. He had told me about the massage parlors with happy endings, but there was more involving sex workers in motel rooms and random meet ups with strangers in cars. He said he stopped doing it after realizing it was dangerous and reckless and, oh, also illegal! Then the MC asked me all those touchy-feely questions like, "How does it make you feel to hear this?" I reiterated that it's not surprising. His behavior vs. his explanations never did add up. I had my suspicions and it turns out I was 100% right. It's the lies that really hurt. I kept waiting for the "other shoe to drop" squarely on my head, and he swore over and over there were no more shoes. The MC got him to reveal two more very large shoes which smacked me squarely in the head. And boy did they hurt.

He continued to say his lies were to protect me from the truth. I said no, they were to protect you from having to face yourself and deal with the fallout. You stole my agency to know what was happening in my own marriage and my own life. I think he's finally coming around to that realization. One of the books (Not Just Friends, I think) talks about the "trust jar." The BS has a trust jar that the WH can add to or take away from based on their actions. If you catch them in a lie, they forfeit points from your trust jar. If they tell the truth, they make deposits. I told WH that my trust jar is not only empty, but that it's in the red. He'll have to make many deposits just for it to return to zero. I think this provides a good analogy for the WH to see just how damaging their lies are. Can they break the habit that is so ingrained in their brains? Maybe? Possibly? It's up to them to demonstrate and up to us to decide if we're getting the truth we need and deserve.