SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am a child sexual abuse survivor and trust & vulnerability are difficult for me. We have been together for 9 years, married on 9-3-20. Two years later almost to the day, I discovered he was unfaithful and it started only 2 months after we married. It took 8 weeks to get to the "truth" of what he had done and I fear there is more he is still hiding, though he has come clean with MANY details. It started with porn, then spiraled into dating/hook up sites, chat sites, then onto hook up/escort/sugar daddy sites, which is where he started finding women to see on his "business" and "golf" trips that suddenly came up so urgently and so frequently. He has shared many details with me since that time, but now I"m stuck in a negative cycle. He's been working hard in therapy and has done everything he can to make amends and wants desperately to make our relationship work, but because of my childhood trauma...it's not that easy for me. Being vulnerable is not something I ever allow myself to do. But I did with him and now I'm really damaged.

I'm suffering so immensely. This experience has been soul crushing for me. I keep reliving every single detail over & over again in my head and I can't stop. When I'm with him, some days are so good and I think we can make it work and others I find myself hating him and filled with such rage that my anger surprises even me. It's been only two months since I first found text messages from other women and then the D-days just kept coming after that and each new discovery and admission he made took days to uncover the "truth", yet each one also made me realize an entirely new level of broken that i never knew existed. I feel like everything I have known with him has been a lie and the person I thought I loved only turned out to be a complete stranger to me.

I want to believe that he is a good person at his core and that he did these things because he was missing something in his life and in our relationship, but the lies and the deception have messed with my mind and I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to know every single detail and my heart is so broken in wondering why he didnt just leave me and walk away before doing this ? Whats worse is that I was myself a cheater years ago, but I worked decades in therapy to heal and the sad irony here is that he was the ONLY person that I wanted to be faithful to and prided myself on being honest and transparent with him.

I am so lost and I fear that I will never trust anyone again. I hate the world. I hate him. I hate men. I hate the seedy women at the "massage" parlors. I hate the escorts & sugar babies & women he was with. Most of all, I hate myself for believing that he would never cheat. Is this ever going to stop or get better ? Should I just leave him and forget he ever existed ? Should I give him another chance ? I'm so lost.

I am so sorry for you. The pain you are in is excruciating. I hope you have considered counseling just for you.

It may be your H is a serial cheating sex addict. Others who have been down that road may be able to provide you with better advice based on their experience.

that he did these things because he was missing something in his life and in our relationship,

This comment you made needs to be addressed. Many here at SI will agree with me. There is nothing in your relationship that caused him to cheat. There is nothing he was missing (except morals and values) in his life that caused him to cheat.

He didn’t cheat because you are too thin or too quiet or not a good cook or you don’t like wine. You can see where this is going. He cheated because he wanted to. He cheated and it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with him and his bad choices.

He didn’t cheat because he had a terrible childhood or he has a crappy job or his father was absent or he doesn’t like hot dogs. He cheated because he wanted to cheat and put his own selfish needs first.

I hope this helps you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As The1stwife said, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

"but the lies and the deception have messed with my mind and I don't know what to believe anymore."

Believe actions not words.

The pain will lesson over time but it is a long bumpy road. We are here to help.

Gosh, I could have written this. I am in a very same situation like you, and it has been a year now since the D-day. I have mood swings just like you do - hating him one day, and thinking we can do this the next. It scares me how widly my mood changes and it has been almost a year! I am doing therapy, medications... I am really tired of living like this. It takes enourmous amout of mental enegry just to appear "normal" every day.
I feel for you. I really do. I am hoping time will make it better. All I can do right now is literally live day by day. That is all I have energy for.
Whishing you all the best.