SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm 11 years out from my husband cheating on me.

We were doing ok for a long time but suddenly, I'm feeling angry all over again. I saw a therapist last summer because of it and she said it's very typical for women in their 40s to go through a phase of wanting to prioritize themselves which I'm 100% feeling. At the start of the pandemic, I decided to have some orthodontic work done and last December I had bariatric surgery and lost over 120 lbs. I feel so much better physically but mentally I'm just angry all the time.

I'm angry that I spent YEARS taking care of him and the kids and put myself aside. Now that I'm feeling like I'm worthy of taking care of myself, I'm angry and resentful all over again. It's overwhelming sometimes.

He has been 100% faithful and remorseful in the last 11 years. I don't want to hurt him anymore, he beats himself up enough. But I don't know what to do with this anger anymore. I feel guilty for being angry again. I'm lost.

I was feeling this way also lately, though the feeling has since passed. You are not alone.

My own words from a "Do we ever really get over it" thread a few months back:

As my confidence has slowly grown over time, so too has my anger at times. Now I mostly get mad when I think about the A. During and after the A it was difficult for me to see my value, and so I was consumed with sadness (and anger too but mostly sadness and an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness). Now it is so undeniably clear to me that I wasn't deserving of the way I was treated that when I think about it, it makes me angry.

Congratulations on the orthodontic work and weight loss !!

From doing research on the sudden anger I felt...I found out that anger is a secondary emotion...brought on by a primary emotion such as guilt...hurt...etc. Once I was able to find the primary emotion and focus on that...the anger subsided a lot .

Are you peri-menopausal...or in menopause by any chance? Hormonal fluctuations can surely bring out weird emotions !!

Are you peri-menopausal...or in menopause by any chance? Hormonal fluctuations can surely bring out weird emotions duh !!

It's a very real possibility and I wonder if I'm overall in a depression. There are other things that I'm dwelling on that are causing me to feel blah. I've made big physical changes and it's translated to mental changes. I'm on the verge of doing something totally out of character like quitting my job or a career change. I don't know what's going on with me.

Hi @hurt101 so sorry you're feeling this way and I can understand how difficult this must be for you. I know you said it's been 11 years out but is it possible that you didn't deal properly with the emotional hurt you went through due to your H's infidelity and kind of rug swept it in order to move on. As a mum and a wife, it's almost like in our DNA, to take on the nurturing role in the family and I would want to encourage you not to feel that the years you spent looking after your kids are wasted years.
The great thing now is that you are now in the phase in which you can prioritize yourself and you should continue to go for it and try to channel that energy in exploring those things that brings joy to your soul. The reality is you can't go backward to change life events but you can move forward to create more of the life you want.

Do try and be gentle with yourself as you navigate how you're currently feeling, betrayed emotions that maybe have not properly healed can present itself in a roller coaster of ways.

You might want to consider going for more IC to help you process this current phase you're in. Praying that the near future brings you much peace and wholeness mentally.

Wow, I can so relate to you. My husband says he has been totally faithful for the past 22 years; we have been married 52 years. He had an affair back in 1990 and it took me years to get past it. This past winter he was suffering from a COVID induced psychosis and blurted out all of his infidelities. It seems he had fucked two other women both of whom were probably hookers. One was a nude dancer and the other a barmaid. Furthermore, he used no protection which endangered my health. I also learned he went to lunch with a coworker in 2000 and had sex with her in a parking lot! He said he only fingered her, and she gave him a blow job. That's sex to me. He only considers his penis in a pussy as sex. His confessions brought back all of those feelings of hurt, anger, stupidity, and betrayal. I am now 71 and he is 75 and I can't imagine going through a divorce now. He has finally become the husband I always wanted but I have no desire for him. He is very remorseful and says he wished it never happened. I realize he cannot erase the past but I cannot erase my feelings of hurt and betrayal. It seems like our entire marriage has been a lie. I went back to work in the office for a couple of months. I couldn't stand to be around him. I made a list of pros and cons and my pros outweigh the cons. I believe him when he says he has been faithful for the past 22 years but I still need time to process everything. I suggest you make your list of pros and cons to see just where you stand. This website is great to read about others in our situation. I wish you the very best.

There are other things that I'm dwelling on that are causing me to feel blah.

I think you're on the right track with this. If you were fine before in R and now you're not, and if he's not the one who has changed, that only leaves you. At this time of life, and after a really big weight loss, yeah.. some midlife angst and even depression are real possibilities. You also said this..

Now that I'm feeling like I'm worthy of taking care of myself...

That statement might be an excellent place to lean in and start working out how you really feel about yourself.

In terms of what helped me put my anger away regarding the adultery, the main things was ownership of my choice. That makes it sound like only one choice, but really, when you think about it, we choose every day what ground we're going to stand on. I'm not a little girl without agency, and yeah, once upon a time my agency was robbed from me. I didn't have all the facts when I made my daily decision. But now I do, and I decide and have decided every day since then. Who should I be mad at about that? I'm the one who chooses to be here. I've had my chance to choose otherwise and I have that same chance every day. It doesn't matter that making another choice would be difficult or that it might not meet my priorities as well. It matters that the buck stops with me on that choice. I am not a prisoner of anyone's machinations but my own.

Sure, it's hard to make other choices when you've got kids and car payments, insurance and mortgages to think about. But what are we saying with that? We're saying that there's value in the domestic arrangement. Again, that's a choice, security over love. Who's to blame for that? The guy who messed things up doesn't have a time machine. He can't fix it. There's no choice which changes the past. We can only act in the present with the facts we have now.

You chose to invest these past eleven years in this relationship. That's on you. And yeah, that sounds kind of harsh, but it's not meant to be. It's actually meant to be liberating, exhilarating, empowering. When you really FEEL your power, the sensation of having been victimized dissipates. Regrets are no longer stagnating, but rather a learning curve upon which future choices can be made.

You're in a really uncomfortable head space right now, but I promise you, the best investment you can make in your future is getting right with who you are today.

((hugs))