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My suspicious brain is making me crazy.

I have no current reason to suspect FWH. He is doing so much work to be a better partner. He is not flawless, he sometimes takes a while to get to empathy. I am learning to be patient and he does get there eventually.

My issue right now is that I have been getting wrong number calls to my phone for the past few days. When I answer a woman says she has the wrong number and hangs up. Two last night at 1am and four today throughout the day. The calls are from various stores in the area. This evening I asked her who she was looking for and she replied her father. I asked what his name is and she asked why I want to know. I said because you keep calling my number. I asked her name and she said the same and so did I. She then hung up.

In "the time before" I would just chalk this up to random wrong number, but instead my brain is coming up with scenarios that I know don't make sense based on what's going on in real life.

It just highlights to me that I still don't feel safe after almost 4 years. I wish the healing didn't take so long...

[This message edited by ladyphoenix at 12:42 AM, Thursday, October 20th]

Has she called again after you told her it was the wrong number?

I can't help with keeping your brain in check, I am suspicious of every little thing.

I had a wrong number caller call me twice before but after second time they stopped. So maybe it is nothing.

Have you asked your FWH about it?

She hasn't called today. Honestly if it's legitimate then I don't expect that she will. When I answer she says she has the wrong number. I asked what number she's trying to call and she recited my number and said it was her father's number.

My FWH thinks we should call the police, but she's not really harassing me, just calling and saying she has the wrong number and then hanging up. I explained to him that her calling doesn't make me feel unsafe, I feel unsafe that it may be A related. I don't really believe that it is A related. I have just been blindsided so many times I don't want it to happen again.

It's a me problem that is a result of his betrayal. I just need him to have empathy for me when I am struggling. I know that he is working to be the best version of himself that he can be. I see it with me, our kids, his family, friends, and his job. My fear is based on the experience of the A and the TT. The CPTSD is a hard one to shake.

I am also very suspicious, but I am way better than I was even a year ago. I am managing to keep mostly a positive attitude about it and not make it into a big game of "what if..."
I have an exit plan (never, ever thought I would need such a plan) and FWH is aware of it. So I guess I can try to think less about "what if" and more about "what is".

The calls are from various stores in the area.

In the days of cell phones, that is very odd. So the store's name shows up and/or the number?

I hate to send you down a rabbit hole, but for a call to show up as coming from a store, wouldn't the person have to be using one of the store's official phones? And who lets a customer do that?

It is also possible to "spoof" the caller ID using Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP) technology. Using this, callers can change the name and number that appear on the receiver’s phone.

Its also possible it's someone with a mental illness who is either legitimately wrong about her father's number or who is messing with you.

It's understandable that you are worrying about this. I would be too.

One bold move.might be to answer, "Hello xxx" (insert name of OW here) and she what reaction you get.

Another option would be just to not answer or block the number. If someone is messing with you, it takes the fun out of it.

So sorry this has been happening!

Some of the numbers show up as just a number and I did reverse lookup and found the gas station. The corner store showed up as the name of the store, as did the pharmacy. I don't know about VoIP, so I guess it's possible.

The gas station was at 1am and I didn't look it up until morning or I could have called it back to see if they let someone use their phone.

At first I thought it was a wrong number for a bank, I often get calls for a bank "Is this **bank?" after I say hello. My assumption was that someone was having trouble with their card and calling the bank. As it was the same (similar) voice each time I got concerned and suspicious, because why does she keep calling the same number when she keeps getting me and knows it is the wrong number.

I don't really think it is AP, she has a distinct voice/accent. In any case, she's too much of a coward to try to contact me.

[This message edited by ladyphoenix at 1:39 AM, Friday, October 21st]

Your husband's response is the ONLY reason I don't think it's a new OW.

But it is super weird that she keeps calling, several times,after you've told her it's not her father's number. I also think calling in the middle of the night is strange.

Your husbands response is positive and IMHO would indicate that AT LEAST it’s not his doing.

If you can do an immediate trace of the number and its something like a local gas-station one idea would be to go over ASAP and talk to the owner/manager. These places tend to have cameras covering every inch, and if you know the date and time and are quick enough they can probably be talked into showing you whatever recording they have. The smaller the establishment the more chances are they will help you.
Be honest with them (up to a point). This person is phoning +5 times a day from random store-phones and you want to know if this is something you want the police to deal with or if this is someone that deserves help.

I’m going to disagree here.

It feels very suspicious to me.

I’d put a VAR by the phone and make him pick it up next time, while I was "in the bathroom" or something.

This doesn’t feel right to me. No one does this.

And I didn’t find his response to call the police helpful. Because if I was having an affair and my AP called my husband, I tell him the exact same thing. I’d act concerned and tell him the next time it happens to call the police.

The empathetic answer would be for him to ask you -“I see this is very upsetting, and I think it’s understandable for you to feel this way. What can I do to help?” Or, he could suggest any of the following- let me answer next time on speaker. Hell, he could pretend to be her “father” on the phone in front of you to make you feel safer.

My first thought is it’s a new woman and she wants you to know.

There is also a place for (not angrily, but sadly), saying to her, “Hey, my husband George (of whatever his name is), had been having several affairs. Are you one of his girls? I can tell you about the others.”

And then listen.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 4:59 PM, Friday, October 21st]

Bigger,

Thank you for your advice. I will keep that in mind if she calls again. She hasn't since I questioned her. My FWH wanted to contact the stores to see if they had video of someone asking for the phone.

I mostly think this is a situation of someone calling a wrong number. That's why this is so crazy-making. It seems so over the top to involve anyone else in this drama. (even bringing it to this forum seems like too much to me) However it is just another illustration of the negative energy that comes from an A.

3yrsout,

And I didn’t find his response to call the police helpful. Because if I was having an affair and my AP called my husband, I tell him the exact same thing. I’d act concerned and tell him the next time it happens to call the police.

I agree. My suspicious brain comes up with all kinds of clever tactics that might be used. I often say to FWH that whether it's a lie or the truth it still sounds the same, I just don't know which it is.

He actually offered to answer the next time but wasn't close by when it happened. He eventually responded with empathy (as I said he takes some time to get to the response I need, his personal growth is quite nice to see). His initial response is to solve the problem at hand. It takes him some time to realize that the actual problem is that I am upset and frustrated that I am having to deal with these suspicious thoughts at all.

Perhaps I will try your approach of appealing to her sympathy if she calls again.

Would you feel better if your husband minimized the calls?
This is what I hate about infidelity: If he had minimized the calls, made little of them or showed dismissive that would be seen as a big red flag.
When he shows interest, wants to call the cops and whatever… it’s an even bigger red flag…

Not any way anyone can win is there?
I stick by my advice if she calls again.

Bigger,

It is also what I hate about infidelity.

We often have the conversation that there is no way for him to win when it comes to me being suspicious. Years of lies and TT have resulted in my brain being on high alert for any anomaly in his behaviour. He is learning that what I need to hear is empathy. It’s progress.

In this case, there were no red flags from his response. It really is all in my head with the "what ifs". I will definitely take your advice to contact the store if she calls again.

No calls for two days so I really think I was overreacting. Justified I guess because of the past and my thoughts are starting to settle down now.

One of my old co-workers had an office number that was one different from the sheriff's office. She used to get wrong numbers fairly regularly. Because this is just now happening to you and is recent, I would be suspicious, too. Doesn't necessarily mean he's involved. But, the time of day and that it's a female sounds like somebody trying to cause problems.

Leafields,

When we had a landline we would get calls for a man with the same first name as FWH. It was funny after a while, then came to find out that he lived on the next road over from us. They would joke about it all the time.

I hate that this wrong number call becomes an exercise in settling my brain. A consequence that I have based on his shitty choices in the past. Talking about it here and with him has helped for sure.

I wonder if it will ever get to the point where those suspicions are not activated. We are coming up to the four year mark (though just over two from the last disclosure of information).

I debated posting this, because it's a different kind of rabbit hole, but is it possible that your WH is this caller's father? Could her mother be a long ago OW you don't know about, or even an ex from before you got together?

BraveSirRobin,

Of course anything is possible. I had not considered that. I don’t believe that it is likely. Although my FWH has shown himself to be an adept liar, I am doubtful that he had other AP in the past. It is something we talk about.

I will talk to him about it this evening to hear his thoughts about it. As far as I know, I have all the information about previous GFs. We have been together since our late teens.

Another call at 2am from a pizza place. I was sound asleep and a bit groggy so I don’t remember what she said. She seemed irritated that it was me again on her father’s number and wanted to know who I was. I said I don’t understand why she keeps calling my number and then she hung up.
FWH was very supportive when he woke up. He didn’t realize it was a phone call until she had already hung up. He thought the noise was my alarm. He said if it happens again to ask her if she is looking for him. Or to give him the phone.
He held me as I started to shake and cry. And was extremely supportive and patient with me as I went through all of the negative scenarios that my brain is coming up with. I shook for at least 30 minutes. May be time for some more EMDR.
There are no other signs in our life to indicate he is being dishonest. I have access to everything. I just don’t know what else to look for. We spend the majority of our time together and when he’s not with me he’s usually with one of our children or working. He is changed for the better in so many ways.
It’s all crazy-making.

BraveSirRobin,

As far as possible OC, the chances are almost zero. Almost, because one of his high school GFs moved away and he hasn’t seen or heard from her since. But she was a little obsessive for a while after they broke up so I would think she would have told him if she was pregnant as a way to try to manipulate him back. That was around 35 years ago. There are easier ways for a person to contact him. He is not private on any social media and has his own phone. He has not had any strange calls or numbers that cannot be identified.

It seems certain that this is all the same caller.

It might seem that the person is not ok mentally/emotionally with the persistent calls late at night, "not remembering" that this is the wrong number for the father, getting upset that it's you and not her father answering time after time, etc.

And yet...
How many businesses would allow a somewhat disordered person to use their business phone line to make a call in the middle of the night?

Are these businesses even open when this person is supposedly calling from them?

IMO, this person is masking their own phone number--which points to orderly thinking (not mental/emotional instability). This feels like a choice to harass you. The asking for their father, etc. seems like games playing.

That's just my 2 cents. And I'm sorry that this view isn't going to make you feel safer. I just want to affirm that this IS crazing making and you are not wrong to be bothered and concerned by it.

My only other suggestion would be to consider of it could be someone in your own life (completely non A related) that thinks they have an axe to grind with you. Still, a very unpleasant thought, but worth considering.

Well, I called the pizza place. She was there for two hours and when they said they were closing she asked to use the phone to have someone pick her up. The worker said she is probably older than 30, and that I can go in tomorrow to take a look at the video.