SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been furiously on the boards the last couple of weeks whilst the marriage circled the drains.

We are on our dream vacation together. I cried for three days solid before we left on the plane, because I didn't want to go. I think I knew it was over.

After arriving we fought. The usual stuff. Me having needs, him getting defensive, contempt, screaming. I ended up checking into a different hotel.

Now we are staying in a beachside villa and I've spent the day alone whilst he furiously texted me that he missed me, he's sorry, and please can we go back to "us" because all the instability is killing him.

He's done none of the work.

None.

He broke no contact with AP dozens of times. He screwed her twice during R after fights with me. He refused counselling. He refused to read books and act on them.

When he was finally done, he quit his job and moved to be with me. Then did nothing but complain about the way he had to downgrade his life from the great time he was having during the affair.

I know how bad it is.

He's made me food every day. He tells me I'm pretty. He says he loves me constantly. He'd stay up all night if I was sick or crying.

So it was enough for a long time to make me forget the R was not real R. That he hadn't gotten it.

So I've asked for a divorce now. Which will be easy. 50/50 split of assets. No home. No kids. No shared life really.

I'm feeling all sorts of things right now.

Anger is gone and instead there's a lot of grief for me. For the suffering and losses I've incurred. For how bring traumatised made me screw up my thesis I'd worked a decade for.

I'm sad for the dreams I had, and for how easily he tossed those aside to get a bit of... what? Drunken sex? Attention? Ego boost?

I'll never know really because he didn't go to IC in order to get those whys.

I can't think that I'll regret this decision. I feel calm inside that it's the right one.

There's just a lot of sadness that this is the life I got because of his shitty choices.

I was so young, so innocent, so full of optimism and so selfless through all of this.

I have what's been taken from me.

I wonder what the road is now?

The fighting will cease. The anger will dissipate.

You will achieve a sense of calm.

Welcome to the dark side my friend! It's awesome here!

I remember that grief right when my xwh and I separated. I cried myself dehydrated. It was awful.

And it's okay to feel it. It IS a huge thing to grieve - that life you had planned on and worked for. It's normal to feel sad and to have a hard time processing it. But I promise you it will pass.

I was lucky in a way. My D finalized Dec of 2019 right before covid hit and with all the shifting perspectives that brought, it shifted my thinking too. I was in a funky funk for those couple of months between my D and covid, but I realized one day early in the lockdown how peaceful my life now was. No more fighting, no more angst, no more wondering when he would drop the next bomb on me. No more putting my own needs and wants aside so he could process whatever was happening in his dumb dumb head. No more worrying about who he was talking to or if he was cheating. I felt free that day and every day since. It's fucking amazing.

There's still been rough days I won't lie and that grief sometimes sneaks up on me at the weirdest times. But overall, my life is so calm and peaceful and joyous now. Divorcing my unrepentant cheater was the absolute BEST decision I EVER made for myself and it will be for you too!

Sending you all the hugs right now Grace - you got this my friend!

I think you both will eventually be much happier.

Now that you’re no longer being stabbed anymore, you can actually start to heal.

I think I've done all my crying for him.

It's myself I'm thinking about now.

One thing I hope is that he's not taken away my capacity to love people and feel worthy of it.

It sounded like he just wanted to go back to the way things were as if he just didn't commit the sh*ttiest thing you could do to your spouse. But after something like that, there's no way you can get back that previous life. Especially when he didn't even work on himself.

The finality of ending it doesn't feel good for sure. At least, not at first. But trust that things will get better one day at a time.

I think your capacity to love is still there; it still exists. Your H is just no longer someone you deem safe to expose that part of you to. Your body and mind know.

Maybe one day he might get it. Or maybe he never will. But you can only do so much to make him realize that, and it's good that you're putting yourself first now.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:12 AM, Tuesday, October 11th]

Tell him you are divorcing him. No need to ask. That will because big step towards the new you.

Thanks everyone. I think it's been accepted and agreed now. I think there's an initial plan in place for me to move out. I'veade the decision to move about 600 miles. I work from home so this is possible. I've got people rallying around me and things feel painful but also better in a way too.

After my false R and separation I analogized it to a broken leg. In the false R, the leg had been broken and set badly - it caused pain all the time and made the focus of life be right on the pain 24/7. The separation was a rebreak (which hurts) but then reset properly. There's still pain, but it's the kind of pain that you know is because things are healing finally. And you know that you have to get through a rough patch but then that leg is going to function the way it should.

Hang in there Grace - you have given yourself such a gift. Your life will be so much better than you can even believe right now.

Some advice though - as hard as it is, go NO CONTACT. NC NC NC. As soon as we were all filed and the wheels were moving (after he'd gotten all his shit out of my house and I knew the D was in the works to being final), I deleted and blocked him everywhere - all social media, phone, emails, etc. We didn't have kids or assets together, so that was very doable in my case and it made a huge difference to my healing I think. And don't look him up or pain shop. Thankfully I never really had the urge to do this, but I know it would have hurt me if I had.

When I was where you are it felt like I was going to be sad forever and that life would never get better, but I was wrong wrong wrong. Once I got over those initial couple months, my life has done nothing but improve. You'll get there too!!

When you know, you know. Great work listening to yourself and respecting your needs.

I agree with the others- although you will still have bad days, they will be grieving the past, not fear of the future.
Take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve and be sad.

You are going to be fine.

I hate to say something like "I am glad that you have decided to get divorced" but I am glad that you have decided to get divorced.

He crossed a line. You don't need any justification for divorcing him beyond "he cheated." That is, more correctly... you offered him the incredible gift of reconciliation and he refused that gift also.

What I can legitimately say is... I am glad that you are focusing on yourself and your needs. That's the correct thing to do.

I appreciate you all so much.

Today was just horrible.

Wishing you strength. One foot in front of the other.

He's done none of the work.

None.

There's a relief in the acceptance of this. I banged my head against the R wall for 13 long months. But I was deluding myself.

Breaking NC with the AP was an absolute dealbreaker for me. When I discovered that, kicked him out for the last time, and saw my IC a couple of days later for an emergency session, she asked what I was feeling. A bunch of things came out of my mouth. She said, "And...?" and it was relief. You'll feel that too. Accepting that this was never going to work with someone who was never going to get it, didn't really know how to start getting it, and is incapable of the kind of insight and self awareness that would require "getting it." There's nothing you can do about that.

A fresh start, 600 miles away, will help enormously. And EllieKMAS is right--go total NC. Otherwise you will be subjected to a barrage of self pity and its attempt at emotional manipulation which is part and parcel of the aftermath when the STBXH tries to dig themselves out of their hole.

When you're done, you're done. And you are done.

You'll be so much happier on the other side of this relationship. It will take time, there will be bad days, but it's a massive relief to not to try and negotiate with a crazy person anymore. (((((GraceLoves))))

Everyone here is right. Every word rings true.

I posted on my reconciliation post that after I said I was leaving he started saying he'd do anything for me to stay.

Im not going to discuss that here, but as I said- yeah - I feel like he's done absolutely nothing.

The first two months he did everything, but since then nothing at all.

So these promises probably won't come to fruition, it's sad that there's a bit of me that hopes it will.

He said he's going to read the books, even if I divorce him because he owes me it even if its too late.

I feel such a kaleidoscope of things, but one thing that occurs to me is that I honestly don't know - even if he did EVERYTHING and moved mountains - if I can recover.

It's been two years since dday and it still hurts like nothing I can describe.

Like you B, the breaking NC with the affair partner was just the worst. So much worse than the affair. So much.

I'm undecided on divorce or just separation for now. I want to heal but why does it hurt so much to going?

I'm exhausted. Every decision feels like misery. I am even contemplating a revenge affair.

I'm just all over the place today.

It's obvious this man really loves me, so I'll never understand why he did this or why he acted in ways to betray me after dday. I just don't understand.

Sorry for rambling. I'm thinking about separating but have no idea what the aim of that is or how it works.

Just hugs Grace. I know getting to the done point is heart-wrenching. Just mho? The separation is for you to get some much needed space and clarity so you can actually start thinking about what YOU want. The focus has been on your wh for so long because of his complete lack of action that you haven't even had a real chance to think about you.

If he actually is serious about changing, he's going to do it even if you're not there. And that's the other big reason that a separation is a good idea for you. He's given you some promises, so let's see him put his money where his mouth is.

I'm so sorry. It's almost worse when they start doing the panic promising cus it just confuses your heart even more.

Welp, I did read your recent post on the R forum, and all I got from it is that he talks quite a good game. But the famous saying of "actions over words" applies heavily here. So far, his actions failed to deliver what he promises in his words.

Separation I feel may be a good idea, in that it will give you the mental clarity to truly figure out what you want. Pardon me for being blunt, but it seems like every time he promises/does the bare minimum of what you asked him to, even if it's only temporary, you're pulled back in like a fish on a hook. Separation might give you the space you need without that emotional influence.

I am even contemplating a revenge affair.

This worries me. If it's also already come to this point, then you really need to consider if this relationship is healthy for you in the long run.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:23 AM, Wednesday, October 12th]

I remember a couple of years ago when I was on the "just found out" forum how true stuff people posted here ended up being.

I honestly don't think in the last two years I've thought about myself much. I was always a selfless kind of person when it comes to my family. But I think this has been more about trauma, shock and the sheer insanity of the direction this affair took.

Maybe what would be nice is to go away for a month or two and run all this through someone in IC, and engage in a lot of physical healing for myself.

Deciding on separating was really hard, so I feel for you. It's not an easy choice either way you go. But I think in your case, you NEED that space Grace. By giving yourself some distance, it will give you some emotional and mental breathing room.

The very first night of my separation, I had my second dday when I found out about my xwh's slumber party with his ap a few months before. It hurt, it hurt BAD. Here I was in my big ol house all by myself with my heart breaking in half again. It was so hard I didn't know how I'd ever get through it.

But even in that turmoil there was a large measure of relief. I was relieved I could cry all I wanted to without having to worry if I was upsetting him with my emotions. I could process this thing without having to consider his thoughts or feelings. I could just feel what I needed to feel without apologizing to anyone. Hard as it was it was also freeing. It was the first time since dday1 that I felt connected to my own self in any real way and it changed my thinking about my marriage.

Your wh, like mine, sucks up all the oxygen in the M. His dysfunctions are so noisy that you've been in a constant habit of catering to them, managing them, rationalizing them, and ignoring your own needs if they conflict with his just to keep some semblance of peace. Boy was I there too.

You've said several times over the last couple weeks that you're still 'in love'. But Grace, think about it how YOU love. Think about how you treat people you love, how you take care of people you love, how you show your love. For you and me, love is a verb, an action. For people like your wh (and mine) 'love' is a thing. It's something they own, not something they nurture. Their 'I love you's' don't hold the same care and responsibility that yours and mine do. I'm not saying that your wh or my xwh are horrid awful people mind you, I'm just saying that there's something broken in them and that they aren't capable of the kind of real and selfless love that people like you and me deserve and need.

It took a lot for me to admit that yes my xwh loved me the best way his broken self knew how, but that it wasn't good enough for me anymore. That was the gift that separation gave me. Getting that space allowed me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on myself.