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A huge recent revelation in my past infidelity is going to have a massive impact on my family as well as my BS. The trauma I've caused her is currently pushing us to breaking point and added to this is the impact it is likely to have on my sister and other family members. I will be brief in my description but will answer questions. This to avoid blame shifting and TMI

Sixteen years ago I went to Germany with my BIL. On the first evening we hired a prostitute and both had sex with her, one at a time, while in the same room. She came to the hotel we were staying in. We continued the vacation and agreed at some point that we would never discuss this again and no matter what happens we should deny the event ever took place.

Just over a week ago I confessed to BS about this event. As you can imagine it was a huge shock and majorly devastating to her. We argued and once aging I let myself get angry. Especially so after BS said she was going to tell my sister. I stopped her from reaching for her phone and then punched a cupboard.

We've spoken at length about this incident and the potential repercussions. We've even discussed if it would be better to say nothing. (More back story, my BIL is abusive. It's only when I've been on my own journey that I can see this. Previously I was in denial. My two nephews and scared of their father and my sister has given up work and driving a car, I think, because of him). So, my thoughts are two fold. I need to speak to her to try and verify my fears about the domestic abuse. This in itself is going to be a challenge, he is restricting the communication between my siter and I following a incident last year between us. I need to know if she is in danger. Secondly, she has a right to know about the incident in Germany. This conversation will have wide implications. I struggle with how and what to say. I've reached out for support for counsellor and a mentor I have spoken with previously. They have said I need to think carefully about this. Make sure I'm telling her for the right reasons and that I consider all of the implications. I cannot see any way of doing this that will not throw up a huge shit storm. If I say nothing then I'm going against what I see to be the moral thing to do and it will add additional hurt to BS (both because of the need to be honest and that I'm putting my families feeling ahead of hers given that I told her and not my sister). Additionally if I say nothing then I will not be looking into her safety with an abusive partner. If I speak then this will completely blow up her world, my nephews will be impacted as will my parents and extended family. There are no other options.

I know I need to speak with her, I think I'll address the potential domestic abuse first before hitting her with the infidelity.

I need to be aware of emotions and feelings as well as a potential violent response from BIL (He once took a baseball bat to a car blocking his driveway). Not only BS and sister, but nephews, parents and potentially parents in law.

I've been very distant this last week as I struggle dealing with my own feelings for this and every act I've done in the past. I cannot cope with the level of emotion, shame and guilt flowing through me. I've become stressed and constantly tired. BS is distraught and we're trying to deal with this on top of everything else going on. I'm numb I don't know what to do or say.

Total guess here.

As you've mentioned. Tactfully and supportively speak with your sister about abuse first.

Second, and at the right time, ask her how candid she'd wish you be with her about "history stuff" that you're aware of in regards to her(our?) closest of family members which may have serious implications for her life. Infer her H without saying it.

Listen closely to her reaction. Wait 48/72 hours while strongly weighing her words and then act accordingly.

Accept that your best intentions may still be wrong and that all you can do is your best.

If you think she is in an abusive situation, you might also have some resources available for her. If you tell her and she tells him, what will happen to her? Help with having some options for her from local resources.

Tough stuff.

So, in your sister's marriage you know that there is definitely emotional and financial abuse, and likely physical abuse as well. Dealing with domestic abuse is a challenge. There have been years of psychological conditioning here. The number one priority here is your sister's emotional and physical safety. That being said, I would not address the infidelity now; in fact, this may be one of those times where this information may actively harm your sister (physically). You can't "untell" so be very cautious. Abusers become especially dangerous when they are backed into a corner and believe their partner will leave. If your sister has any type of reaction to the infidelity, she may be in physical danger.

Do not address a domestic abuse situation alone. You need to work with professionals who can help address the issue. If you are in IC or MC, ask them for a referral for an expert on domestic abuse to help your sister. Victims of domestic abuse rarely permanently leave the first time, in fact, it averages on the 7th attempt to leave (and each attempt, they are at extreme risk from their abuser). You may need to involve CPS and social services. Your sister is likely fully financially dependent on this man, so she will need help, probably long-term, getting back on her feet.

Firm priority number 1: Your sister and her children's safety.

Distant priority number... much lower: Making amends to your sister about participating in her husband's infidelity.

Some sensible ideas here, thanks.

I was planning to approach this in two stages and try to understand her position. I think it's a great idea to speak with professionals beforehand and to research safe places nearby to my sister. Maybe I'll book a hotel the day I speak with her so she has somewhere to go immediately?!?

I agree that you should reach out to professionals about how to handle this. Have you talked with your sister about her abusive situation in the past? Does she see you as aligned with your BIL? I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, but if you're close enough to your BIL to have had that kind of experience with him, and you're displaying physical rage around your own BW, your sis is well within reason to not trust you. Is this a situation where someone else is a candidate to help her, and you and BW can offer financial resources but not be made aware of her location and/or plans?

Finally, Bulcy, I see why this story was a powder keg, but IDK how many ways we can find to tell you that trickle truth is the most emotionally abusive thing you can do to a spouse who is trying to rebuild trust in you. I'm losing count of the number of times you've come back to confess another revelation. I'm not saying to stop coming here, but I am saying that now, while you've completely blown things up again, is the time to get the rest of it out on the table. I don't care how bad it is. If you slept with her mother, had a bigamous elopement with an AP, were arrested for fucking an underage gigolo, or anything else that could possibly be worse than what you've just exposed, this is the time to come clean.

Maybe I'll book a hotel the day I speak with her so she has somewhere to go immediately?!?

It really appears that you do not understand the dynamics and true dangers of physical abuse. A hotel is not a safe place for a victim of abuse. Even if it were, would you anticipate her staying there (with none of her things) without her children for weeks or months? Exiting an abusive relationship takes true planning. The impetus for this will not be an admission of her WS's infidelity-no matter how extreme.

Again, priority #1 is ensuring your sister and nephews are SAFE physically. That will require professional intervention and true familial support (especially in terms of money).

After she is out, safe, and established (which could take years), you can look again at whether or not to confess the infidelity as part of making amends. However, sometimes, doing this will cause further harm and you will need to make amends without alleviating your guilt of participating in her abuse.

It really appears that you do not understand the dynamics and true dangers of physical abuse. A hotel is not a safe place for a victim of abuse. Even if it were, would you anticipate her staying there (with none of her things) without her children for weeks or months? Exiting an abusive relationship takes true planning. The impetus for this will not be an admission of her WS's infidelity-no matter how extreme.

That's a very good point. I've reached out to a domestic abuse charity in her area. For both advice and potential support. My nephews are not in immediate risk, one is 23 and studying for his Phd and the other is at University very close to BS and myself, he's 21. It does not take away from the fact that they're acared of their father though.

The bottom line here is that you've betrayed your sister and you're still denying her agency as an adult. If she's in an abusive marriage, that's not news to her. She already knows her WH. He's not a stranger.

I think your resistance here might have something to do with the utterly immoral behavior you got up to with her WH behind her back and maybe you don't want to see her face when she realizes that yet another man has betrayed her trust. She's a grown woman though, and if she feels like she needs help, she'll ask for it. I do think though that it would be good for you to have a conversation about her safety and resources to offer, although the most likely scenario is that she won't want anything to do with you once she finds out what you've done.

You let that guy go home to her and expose her to God only knows what without her consent. You let him make a fool of her, same as you've done to your own wife, and now, you're still denying her agency because you think you know her life better than she does. It sounds to me like you're trying to control the outcome still.

The bottom line here is that you've betrayed your sister and you're still denying her agency as an adult. If she's in an abusive marriage, that's not news to her. She already knows her WH. He's not a stranger.

I'm still processing the full potential impact of my actions on my sister, hence this post. I understand the concept of agency and by not telling her all these years she has not had the full details of both my and my BILs choices. This is my primary driver for letting her know. While It's true that she knows her husband and that should she be in an abusive relationship, that she knows about it. However, my understanding of abusive relationships is that the abused often does not fully recognise the abuse and will often cover for their abuser. They often need someone to help with this recognition or to let them know someone is there for them. I have been and in ways still am an abusive husband. It is painful recognising in others behaviour, behavious I have exhibited in the past

I think your resistance here might have something to do with the utterly immoral behaviour you got up to with her WH behind her back and maybe you don't want to see her face when she realizes that yet another man has betrayed her trust.

Yes, that it a major hurdle I need to overcome.

She's a grown woman though, and if she feels like she needs help, she'll ask for it.

Really? I'd be interested to know how many abused people did not reach out to someone or ask for help! Fear of the abuser, embracement, self denial, minimising. So many stories I've read suggest that abused people do not reach out for help despite being in the most dangerous of relationships. Again this is just my take on things.

I do think though that it would be good for you to have a conversation about her safety and resources to offer, although the most likely scenario is that she won't want anything to do with you once she finds out what you've done.

Yeah, this is where I need to work so carefully and one of the reasons I have reached out to SI. I sill think I'm denying how this is going to destroy my family

It sounds to me like you're trying to control the outcome still.

Yes, I've thought about this and discussed with BS. I think you could be right here. Spending too much time wanting damage limitation or procrastinating is harmful.

I'm reaching out for help

I sill think I'm denying how this is going to destroy my family

My only advice here is to simply see this for the double-edged sword that it is. On one hand, this is important information and should be considered before making a move. As a recovering WS, I'm sure that you are hyper-sensitive about repeating your past mistakes, and about being who you no longer want to be. The guy who cheated (you) didn't do a whole lot of thinking about consequences for others, right? So that's a new tool in your toolbox now and having seen the outcomes of NOT thinking of others, you want to be sure to never take that approach again.

However the flip side of this is the acceptance that sometimes there is no good path, and that time is always a factor. No matter what the subject, we can all remember a time when we've heard (or said), "You knew about this all this time and you didn't say anything to me?" Harm is being done right now, as we speak, and will continue until such time as the lie is exposed.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is simply that you should put some thought into this, but to also be careful of that leading to inaction. You can't predict what will happen when you tell her. Look at how many people on SI have said, "I was always positive that infidelity was a deal breaker, but then when it happened to me, I found that it wasn't that simple". Your sister may hate you and never speak to you again. Or, she may get pissed for a time but then appreciate that you took the massive risk of throwing yourself under the bus for HER welfare, and attempt R with you (as a sister). Or, who knows, she may already know exactly what her husband has done, and won't be surprised in the least. Any one of these situations is just as likely as the others. Perseverating over telling her won't change the outcome.

Just do your best. It isn't your job to save her marriage, it is only your job to be honest with her, and as loving and supportive as you can be.