SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am in a loving relationship for 6 years. We started dating when we were living in near by cities. Then spent some years in a distance relationship. Only the last 10 months we moved in together in the same house.

We were at the peak of our love and I 100% trusted him in everything. We were thinking to make the next step soon. I felt loved and understood. Our relationship was an item of admiration by anyone I know.

I know that he never cheated on me before. I am sure about that.. but that changed recently.

Ever since I know him he is a social drinker. He mostly drinks beers and very rare stronger alcohol. He is never drinking at home and we never had what people would say "drinking problem". He was normal with respect to young people in my area. I felt that sometimes he was drinking too often with the boys but I never had any doubt.

In addition to the above he only did cocaine when he was offered by his friends. that happened maybe twice a year (like in New Years or another special day). He never tried to find it himself it..he more like followed the trend of the group he was in.

I didn't worry particularly about it because it was rare and it was always in a controlled environment like a house with most of his mates sober.

Particularly in the event.

I was out of the city visiting my family. He stayed back as the city we live had a big festival and one of his childhood friends was coming to visit.

I was out for 2 weeks and the incident happened in the weekend between the 2 weeks.

On Saturday of that weekend they went out drunk a excessively and they had a strong hangover the next day.

We talked on Sunday morning and he laughed about their night and I advised him to take care of his guest as it seemed they did a lot of drinking. I was calm as the Saturday was the peak day of the festival and thought they will calm down on Sunday.

Sunday passes with no further messages or calls. The full week passes with a few messages and calls where he seemed relatively quieter than normal but I didnt notice it because I was busy making the most out of my visit to my family.

I came back on the Sunday of the second day.And as I come in I see him crying, his voice would not come out so I started asking questions:

"what happened?"

"did someone die"?

"did we get robbed?"

he managed to say "we need to talk" and then I knew... he cheated on me.

As soon as I ask him he started crying excessively, not being able to breathe and he was shaking etc

After we calmed down he told me the following:

On Sunday, they went in a club with his 2 friends. They were drinking alcohol and they took 1 ecstacy pill each.

After a while someone offered them cocaine and they took it. That stranger was in a group with 3 girls.

The stranger invited them to his house for an after party as one of his friends liked one girl from the group.

The next image he has in his mind is that he entered a room with a girl and that he is sure he cheated on me.

After that he doesnt remember anything. He doesnt know who they were, where the house was, what happened in that room, how they got back home...nothing..

I had to talk with his friends to extract more details as all 3 of them had a blackout.

Only 1 guy seemed to remember a bit more. I was desperate to find the house, find the owner, find the girls and find out what happened in that room. Could it be he never cheated on me?

After talking with the one that remember the most I found out that the group of girls was not local, was visiting for the festival. the house looked like an expensive rental ( super neat and clean like no actual people live there).

they had no number , no social from any of them, no name, no address, no bank transaction in the area near by, no uber trip nothing...

The other guy managed thought to tell me that at some point while looking for this friends he opened a door and found my boyfriend receiving a BJ from one of the girls. I asked what did he do? did he tell him something? did it stop there? no answer- blackout.

All 3 of them have no recollection at all of what happened.

Deep down I want to know exactly what happened in that room. Could it be that he could not perform and they stopped?

Did they use protection? Oral sex is a passive act that could have happened while he was unconscious..but did he have proper sex?

Now I am left to deal with it, without all the info I need and decide what I will do. Do I break up? Do I forgive him ?

He loves me a lot and I know that. I could tell that he suffered the week that he wanted to tell me but he didnt want to ruin my time with my family.

He told me he will accept any decision and that he would cut off drugs for ever from his life.

He would do his best to build again my trust and tbh I have no doubt that this would never happened if he was sober or at least with 1 of the substances.

I read a lot about the combination of alcohol and cocaine and it surely sounds like they had this due to that.

We never had problems and I feel like the night went so wrong after a serious of bad choices they made during the evening. It is not uncommon for him to drink that amount of alchohol. but alcohol alone was not enough. it was the cocaine. Why did do the cocaine? I think its the FOMO ( fear of missing out) but he was the only guy in a relationship from the group. Why I didnt pop in his mind at that time?

I asked him to tell me if he remembers anything else but it has been a week and nothing.

What do I do? I have never been cheated on and if you would ask me I would never believe that he would be the one doing this to me.

We see each other sometimes at home( I try to be out and he works shifts). I love him with all my heart and I want to hug him but on the other hand I am afraid and ashamed. Could it be he does it again?

Should I accept at all this behavior? how would our relationship be after this? wouldnt I suffer all the time?

thanks for any advice

[This message edited by mydyingbride at 4:02 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

This is an unusual event. It’s not like he is a continual cheater - but it’s sad it happened.

Blackouts from drugs and alcohol etc are going to be hard to dig through to get details. Most likely he remembers next to nothing and will not regain those memories.

If might need to accept that.

Clearly his "no drugs" policy needs to be forever as a starter.

You may benefit from professional counseling just for you. But please know he is sincerely sorry and appears remorseful. You have the potential to heal from this with the right direction and support.

So sorry for you.

Should I accept at all this behavior? how would our relationship be after this? wouldnt I suffer all the time?

You should not accept this behaviour, your relationship will likely be worst after infidelity, healing from infidelity takes years with no guarantees, that on top of the cocaine and other drugs problem don't paint a great scenario and I suggest you dump him before your lives get more entangled and there are kids to deal with, cut him loose now. Make no mistake about it he DID cheat on you and I think you're grasping at straws when you entertain the idea of an "unconscious bj", but hey "unconscious" or not he "consciously" entered the room with the girl and typically heavy flirting and make out sessions precede that. A cheater and drug using boyfriend is no M material, dump him and get tested for STDs/STIs just in case, some diseases could even be transmitted via saliva (kissing) and remain dormant for years, early detection is typically very important for treatment.

MDMA rarely blacks you out or makes you unconscious. It's a stimulant, which is why you see it at raves; people can dance for hours on it. With possibly cocaine involved too? I seriously doubt the passing out story.

MDMA might make it so that he can't get hard enough to penetrate a partner, but if he was attempting to do so and failed only because of biology, is that really any better?

How do you feel about all this, and what do you want? What will it take for you to feel safe in this relationship again?

It sounds like someone had a date rape drug and put it into peoples drinks. For everyone there to not remember anything tells me something went into their system. If this man has never cheated on you before and barely remembers what happened I have a tendency to believe him. I think he needs to give up this group of friends. They’re not good for him and so they’re not good for your relationship. I’m of the mind that you need to forgive him. This is a long relationship and you love him and he loves you. He was so stupid to go out with a group and spend all day drinking and drugging but that’s what he did. I think what you need to do is tell him alcohol and drugs are no longer a part of his life and neither are those friends. In fact I think he might do well to go to AA or if you think it’s more drug involved then maybe he could go to NA. He needs to grow up. Adults do not put drugs and alcohol in their bodies enough to cause this kind of behavior and if he’s doing that even a little bit it is still not acceptable.

Just to reiterate what PSTI posted, I used MDMA, cocaine and alcohol in my teenage years sometimes separately but often together. I can't recall a single time I blacked out completely - cocaine specifically is a MEGA stimulant and keeps you up and alert for hours. MDMA is also a stimulant that lasts hours. Alcohol is the only depressant of the bunch, so unless the whole group drank their body weight to counter the two stimulants (or had other drugs involved, like Cooley mentioned) I'd be very hesitant to believe that all three conveniently had a blackout and can't remember a thing. Trust your gut.

I don't know much about drugs. I don't know, for example, if a date rape drug could cause memory loss when taken along with MDMA and coke. Perhaps asking your doc for his opinion would help you distinguish between truth and a story the 3 of them cooked up.

I'm concerned that your BF gets swayed by the people around him to do things that are unsafe. Unless he's under 25, I'd question his boundaries and his willingness/ability to maintain them. Life is filled with temptations. Without boundaries and commitment to maintain them, a person is not likely to be a good prospect for a long term partnership.

There's no 'should' or 'should not' about your specific relationship. People split and thrive; people split and suffer. People R and thrive; people R and suffer. I urge you to do what you need to do to thrive, whatever you do with your relationship.

Thank you all for your messages and for taking the time to console me and help me.

I feel lost. I cannot talk to anyone of my family right now because I just left from there telling them "how amazing everything is" and how he is the one.
Both my parents have health problems. I need to talk to them so much but I am afraid it will kill them.
I also deep down hope that maybe we can work it out and by not telling them then I remove the pressure to break up from their side.

@The1stWife: Thats exactly the way I mainly feel, that we should not throw the love we have out the door for such a stupid mistake. But on the other hand everytime I think of the details and how many "yes" he said up until they ended up there.. I can't stop but wondering how many of these were unconscious.. I found a professional that has experience in additions as well so at least she will be able to provide me answers as well as to the drugs.
I haven't talk to her yet because she is on holiday but as soon as she is back I will. I might look for some emergency help in the meantime.

@Buster123. You are right, this whole story paints a horrible picture of him. One that he doesnt deserve my love.
But I also have to consider the 6 years in advance were he was the most loving , respectful and kind person I have ever met. His vice was that he liked to be a follower in the bro stories, but I never thought that the circumstances would align that something so catastrophic would happen.
Why did they drink so much? Why did they mix up all these things?Why did the guy showed up giving them away all this free cocaine when their inhibitions were low from the previous stuff? Why did they ALL have a blackout?asfaik there is always one person in the group that is more sober.
You are right, I am fooling my self thinking it was an unconsious bj.. of course it wasn't. the drugs would not allow it..
He is going to be tested soon for the STIs/STDs, I need not to be tested because he told me as I entered through the door. He didn't even kiss me.

@PSTI thank you for the info on the drugs. I don't have a lot of experience and as Buster123 pointed out I kind of hoped that it was a passing out story.
I don't know what I want at this point. I want us to be the same as before. To look at him and not have this virtual image I have built of him f***ing the random girl.
But I know that this is not possible.. I would certainly wait for this STD results. I cannot start a family or even consider trying to continue this relationship with someone that contracted a non curable STD while cheating on me.
After this I will ask him what he can give up for this relationship to work. Right now in my mind I was thinking:
- never drugs
- never strong licquer or more than 3 beers unless I am present
- no bro trips / fests / clubs with bros that I am not present.
- if going out in a pub or so and I am not present I would like messages
- if I am out of town I would need again proof that he is not doing any of the above on regular basis

I know it is too much, its like basically asking him to live a completely different life for me. But it has to come from him. I cannot enforce him to do all these, because he will break these rules at some point and regardless of whether he cheated or not I will have to deal with his failure to comply vs my ethics.

@Cooley: I also think in the same way. As I wrote above I have to set the rules and he has to comply if we are ever to be good together. I know I am asking for too much at some point ( no more than 3 beers for example) but I dont want to be afraid. I will hate myself if I let this happen again. but I would also hate myself not trying to fix this. As you say it has been 6 wonderful years, he is the man of my life and a person I imagined playing chess at old age with. I cannot imagine my life without him. He is my best friend, and when this happened I realised not only he was not able to help me but he was the one that did it. What is more hurtful even is that we were in our best moment ever. Living together, doing wonderful stuff, thinking about the future and having past some unrelated life difficulties that bonded us even more this past year than all the other years. I fell from the top cloud down to the bottom of hell.

@HeartbreakInHawaii and @sisoon: thank you so much for your input. I was not aware of these things about these drugs. Tbh the possibility of the rape pill passed from my mind as well as this stranger was ordering a lot of champagne and giving them (fizzy drinks are easier to hide the rape pill right?). Basically that stranger was giving them loads of free champagne and cocaine ( we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world). so how come? This is killing me but none of them wants to go to the police to declare because they did consume all these other drugs and they have no lead on how to find these people.
The group of 3 are all in their early 30s. They should have known the dangers, it is not the first time they do drugs that is why I am also considering they were given something. But still they reached themselves in a state that they could not take any logical decision at that point.

I think this will be a very long process. I am feeling a bit better meaning I put something to eat in my mouth after 3 days. But I feel exhausted, drained, disgusted and humiliated.
I have no energy to think, I sleep every 2 hours, I cannot tell my closest friends and family because I live far from them and it would kill them. I have only told one friend and I am not waiting for a psychologist to take my case.
I have never felt such pain in my life, the betrayal and the fact that now everything depends on me.

Thank you so much for the support. Thank you for taking time to read my messages and for consulting me.