SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll share a little background first.

I haven't been on Surviving Infidelity in ages. My WS and I separated years ago but we never filed for divorce. We just went our separate ways. I struggled for many years trying to figure out why this happened. My family (adult children) has never truly recovered. They are all still struggling in their own ways. Infidelity causes so much devastation and left my family destroyed. I was a SAHM at the time without much education/job skills. Since then, I went back to school and also got a job making enough to support myself. Life has improved, but it will never be the same if you know what I mean. I don't look at marriage/relationships the same. Especially with the internet/technology, so many people are cheating or crossing boundaries using their personal devices. It really is a sad world.

Anyway, yesterday I realized that I need to finally file for divorce. I need to really move on and not be connected to my WS in anyway. I don't know where to begin. WS and I are in agreement about splitting assets (don't have much) He'll keep his stuff and I'll keep mine. I'm looking for the least inexpensive way to do this but yet cover all bases.

I sure would appreciate any help from those who have gone before me and have filed for divorce. Any suggestions/tips would be very helpful.

Thank you so much for reading my post!

In my opinion, I would contact a lawyer and pay for the initial consultation. Divorce is one of those major events in life and the outcome of it can have serious financial repercussions if everything isn’t handled properly. Divorce laws vary wildly from state to state so my experience, and the specific advice i would give, may or may not pertain to your situation.

Not sure what state you're in, but for my D we were able to fill out all the paperwork ourselves (true to form by "we" I meant I filled it all out and he didn't help at all ) and go together to the county courthouse to file. I did pay to have an attorney look it over before we went (my xwh didn't know that) just to make sure everything was filled out correctly and that there wouldn't be any issues with it getting finalized. So the filing fees at the courthouse were $375, and I found the lawyer through a women's legal aid place and that cost me $150 to have them review it for me. If you're not fussing with shared properties/accounts etc and custody stuff, self-filing will likely be the quickest and cheapest way to get it done.

Look up your county court website and see what all's entailed in the divorce paperwork to get started. Or you can google 'self file divorce for x county and state'.

And good for you on finally filing - divorce was the best gift I ever gave myself!!

Get in touch with the Family Court and the County Clerk's office. In my county, I had to buy a book with all the forms ($50), attend a class ($25), didn't have to attend any custody/parenting things because our kids are adults. Then, there was a meeting with the court facilitator ($75), and the filing fee ($311).

I went & picked up the paperwork, we filled it out together. There was a form my XWH signed saying it was non-contested, so I didn't have to have him served. Dropped off the paperwork at the courthous. Court facilitator called & we reviewed the paperwork. It pretty much took 15 minutes because we didn't have much & split things out. There's a 90-day waiting period & the facilitator said she'd call when the judge signed the paperwork. About 90 days later, I got a call that everything was finished.

It was fairly easy. As I read some of the stories on SI, I understand that the ease of my divorce was a great gift that my XWH gave me. Of course, he was on to his next schmoopie & was talking marriage to her.

Divorce varies a lot from state to state. For some states there may be good self-help books from Nolo or other publishers. It's not that difficult to do your own divorce in some states, especially if you don't have minor children or property assets to divide. However, some people don't want to do it themselves and that's fine--because it's time-consuming, stressful, and a lot of details to figure out.

Yes, you can and maybe should talk to an attorney about your situation. Look for an attorney who does uncontested divorces, not someone who is a "win at all costs let's fight it out in court rarrrrrrgh" type. You don't need to spend $$$ and have a big fight in order to get divorced.

Good for you for rebuilding your life. Stay strong!

Anyway, yesterday I realized that I need to finally file for divorce. I need to really move on and not be connected to my WS in anyway. I don't know where to begin.

Yeah for you! I know you continued to grow and heal, but doing this will help complete your healing process since it will make it official. That will be huge for your journey!

I did use an attorney, but we (me and ex) outlined our agreement on who gets what. I took that document to my attorney and he put it in legal-terms for me and made sure we covered everything.

Definitely call and get a make an appointment for a consultation. Go into it with all your ducks in a row because in many areas, this consult is free or a lower fee then their normal hourly rate. IE I went with all our financials. I had the documents showing we broke apart all our accounts (ie nothing was joint anymore at that point). Made sure all our assets were separated (ie cars were redone in sole ownership).

All that made it much easier. All the attorney had to do was draw up our agreement and file it.

As others said, you can usually do this yourself depending on your area but I wanted to make sure I had it all done correctly because I was divorcing someone that was less than forecoming.

I am so happy for you. Trust me, you will feel a weight lift when you get this completed.

PS - the attorney can only represent one of you. So if you decide to go this route, YOU go and get the attorney so they are working on your behalf. My ex opted not to get an attorney. My attorney made it clear he could not represent both of us and it was in my ex's best interest to get his own counsel.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 2:07 PM, Thursday, June 30th]

Did you file a legal separation notice back then? I'd get a consult just to make sure you don't get any suprises. The things I'd worry about most are rights to retirements. My state had a 10 year minimum on that. Our divorce was at 9 years as she knew that. Also any debt he may have rung up that was tied to both of you. Like old Credit cards with both or your names. You should be able to see that if you pull your credit.

Difficult spot to be in. First steps - speak to a lawyer and counseling would be helpful. FInd out what the legalities are in your area.