SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been doing a little back reading today and I hope you're still with us, Sherlock. I'm so curious as to whether your contact efforts with the OBS were successful and how you're doing. If you're around and don't mind, I'd love to hear an update.

Hello ChamomileTea. Thank you for checking up on me.
So much has happened that I don't have any private time.

1) WH had medical emergency and I had to call 911. Long story short, he was in hospital for 7 days.
2) since he was unable to walk away, I did some interrogation and got 50% confession while in hospital.
3) the other 50% was either he doesn't remember or flat out told me he didn't have to tell me. Yup, still an asshole even when sick!
4) I made appointment with expensive lawyer for later in June
5) Two days ago, I finally figured out a way to get a phone number that I can use to contact OWSpouse.
6) problem: I'm not sure I have his correct number. So I have not tried.
7) I did create a new email just to contact OWSpouse but got no reply. Maybe went into SPAM.

He is all nice and sweet towards me since he confessed there was a another woman. He said he will not contact her any more, and she was very very understanding. STILL LYING. he contacted her via his office manager; she was his cover up. I discovered this through my own investigation. Oh oh oh. Most important piece of the confession. This has been going on for THE LAST SEVEN YEARS!!!
Right under my nose. Boy, do I feel DUMB!!!!I do not trust this evil cheating man!!

I'm glad you're okay.. well, as okay as someone who's going through all THAT can be. At the least, you've had some of the truth now. The only think I can tell you about WS's who continue to stonewall after dday is that they're not sorry enough to be fit for R. Whether he'll achieve actual remorse or not only time can tell. Sometimes, even in the face of horrible recalcitrance, they do manage to connect the dots and turn it around. Seven years of cheating makes it seem a daunting prospect though, so I'm VERY happy to hear you're planning on getting legal advice and I hope you'll update when you do.

Never feel "dumb" for not catching on sooner. You're an honest person. You're genuine in your relationships. Your mind isn't fueled by deceit. When you think about it in terms of having a normal psychology and building normal attachments, why would it even have occurred to you that you were being betrayed? It wouldn't. You just don't think like that.

Remember that you're really going through something right now so it's good to be gentle with yourself.

I am so sorry for you MeSherlock.

I think you have the right plan - a very expensive lawyer and telling the OBS.

If he’s going to be smug AND he’s going to contact the OW while you are taking care of him during a medical crisis, then I don’t think you have any other options here.

I hope you have a good counselor for yourself and a very good shark of an attorney. I hope you can kick him to the curb so to speak and move towards a better life for you.

You got this!!!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:31 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

I think marriages can survive nearly everything and anything. This doesn’t mean they should or have to, only that if both partners are on board and if both partners are willing to do the work then you can reconcile from nearly everything and anything.
Part of the "on board" – and maybe the most important part – is that there is a high level of honesty. It’s the basic foundation the marriage should be built on. That honesty can come at a price and for us betrayed spouses that price tends to be that we hear hurtful things that could and should make us angry. Our difficult role is to somehow appreciate the honesty and work with it – to contain our anger and direct it the right way.
For example: IF your husband were to confess that this was his second affair… That would definitely hurt. But if he did it in the context that you two were BOTH working at reconciling… Well… there isn’t any way you COULD reconcile if he kept that a secret. Of course you are entitled to base your decision on D or R on YOUR choice at any time. Maybe that new information might tip you towards D. Nobody has ever said this is easy…

Hiding the truth, denying, refusing to be forthright… It’s all a very strong indicator that the WS doesn’t trust you. Without trust there is no way a marriage can survive. There is no way you can rebuild some confidence that he’s all in.

I think that’s the message you need to get across to him:
The truth will truly set him free – be it free to create a good marriage or be it free as in free to date OW since he’s been fired from the role as Mr. MeSherlock.

It’s also the message you need to be listening for:
If he isn’t capable of being honest then maybe… probably… divorce is your path. Definitely no matter what keep your appointment with the attorney. Until then do some online research for divorce in your area. Remember the goal of D isn’t revenge, it’s getting out of infidelity.

You are doing so well as your WH keeps dropping bombs on your M. Keep the appointment with the attorney. Get the lay of the legal landscape. I believe he has his own business and you need to protect your rights. It appears that your WH has lived two lives and continues to believe he can manipulate you. You initially believed the A started online and became a PA when he hired the OW for his business four years ago. Now he confesses it has been going on for seven years!! You know now how he works. Trickle truth and smug about it. Don’t fall for it. Take care of you. Keep posting. You and your children are the real thing.

Hello ChamomileTea, The1stWife, Bigger, and fareast,

I am so grateful to have a team of life coaches to help me in times of disress. I have the highest respect for you and what you all been through.

In my WH sick mind, he thinks we are in R. His definition of R is that he made somewhat of a confession, so to move forward I must magically forget anything has happened, forget the past, and forgive! He wants to start over. This is to showcase how sick this man is, and how he lives in a fantasy world.

I can be taken for a fool once, but not twice. I am working on a spreadsheet of my expenses and preparing for what happens after the D. Right now, I make sure the kids are taken care of before filing. I have no feelings left for him. No love. Now, just rolling with the punches until I get legal advice. Thank you, All

[This message edited by MeSherlock at 8:31 PM, Thursday, June 16th]

I’m sorry your cheating spouse believes that he can do the bare minimum and you would accept it.

The cheating mindset sometimes is that the ego of some cheaters overrules common sense. By that I mean they believe they can sweep this under the rug and just go about their everyday life.

It shows they really have no empathy for the betrayed. They don’t care about the pain and destruction they heaped on their family’s lives- kids, spouses, in laws etc.

And those types of cheaters expect the betrayed to move in and just accept the contrite "I’m sorry" they get from the cheater.

There is no remorse. And without remorse the cheater will continue to cheat.

I know you will survive this.

Thanks you The1stWife. Your post hits the nail on the head. Ever word describes my WH to the core.

He is so two-faced and leads a double life. While he's telling me he wants to start over, does not want a divorce and buttering me up, he tells his office manager who speaks to OW daily, that I'm the one that wanted sex so he had to please me, and i begged him to take me out to dinner. He refers to me as "the soon to be ex-wife". He even told them he's moving out this weekend. Im not making him happy and OW makes him happy. Then he comes home, does the dishes and makes me a cup of tea. Asked me how my day was and if I was busy and if he could make any dinner. WHAT A PSYCHO!
Thank goodness I continued my investigation bc the home behavior was what I got on the daily and had no idea what was happening once he stepped out of the house!

It appears he has to keep up the charade at work otherwise there will be hell to pay.

Because the OW will make his life miserable.

He is a coward. Plain & simple.

After all is said and done, he may be playing both sides of the fence out of fear. Whatever is MO is, he’s not someone you can reconcile with at this time.

If he was truly interested in the marriage then he’s stop the bullshit like.my H did. Dday1 he’s still putting OW first. Dday2 he ended it and never looked back - it was over.

Sadly you have to operate with the situation at hand.

I agree with The1stWife. It appears he has painted himself into a corner at work, and now he is lying to everyone. “Oh what a tangled web we weave….”. But now you can see how he operates. Lying is his first choice when he is under pressure. It is good that you now see his MO. He is not R material at this time. He is not someone you can trust. He lacks the intestinal fortitude to be honest. Keep moving forward. Good luck.

He's not a good liar. Hes a compulsive liar. These individuals will lie about everything and eventually start believing in their own lies. He sounds like hes got a split personality as well. There is no way he wants to make this work. He is clearly playing both sides. You need to sort all your finances and your childrens finances and get away from this narcicisst. Hes a cold hearted prick. You dont deserve this and he dont deserve you. Get away from the psycho as quickly as you can. Youre better off on your own then being stuck in a loveless marriage with this selfish pig!

Im so sorry this has gone on for so long. Just remember this is not your fault. Its all on him. Hes lied and cheated for so many years and now he wants to start over? Take him for everything he has and kick him out. Dont even look back and dont feel sorry for him. He clearly has no care or love for you. He's not just a psycho hes a monster!

He is so two-faced and leads a double life. While he's telling me he wants to start over, does not want a divorce and buttering me up, he tells his office manager who speaks to OW daily, that I'm the one that wanted sex so he had to please me, and i begged him to take me out to dinner. He refers to me as "the soon to be ex-wife". He even told them he's moving out this weekend. Im not making him happy and OW makes him happy. Then he comes home, does the dishes and makes me a cup of tea. Asked me how my day was and if I was busy and if he could make any dinner. WHAT A PSYCHO!

Wow. I wish I could say that I'm surprised by that, but sadly, I'm really not. It's part of the pathology really that cheaters think they're smarter than we are. He's living in his own little fantasy world and you aren't really a person anymore, just a caricature he's created in his head. So, of course you'd be oblivious to the genius that is him, right? He'll just take it underground. He's too smart to get caught and after all, he deserves to have his cake and eat it too.

I'm so glad that you're onto him. Life is just too short for this kind of bullshit. So glad you're booked in with an attorney.

((hugs))

Thank you The1stWife, fareast, LIYA13, and ChamomileTea! I really needed to have these validations.

Well, weekend is here. He's still home. Went grocery shopping, and did household chores. Usually my tasks on the weekends, but he did it all. Found out he did look into one of his rentals for availability but there is an interest in renting that one asap. So that's why he's sweet and all; the cheater has no place to go..

He told the agent that I was being very difficult and he maybe kicked out. WTH? There is no remorse from this man; always the first to bark. Makes public announcements he's in the position he's bc of ME; never bc of anything he did. He painted such a ugly picture of me and making him the victim. If i worked in his office, I would hate me, too and feel sorry for him. This is all about him. What a DICK!!! Urrrr.

Thank you for letting me vent... I appreciate all your emotional + moral supports and hugs!!

[This message edited by MeSherlock at 1:44 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

[This message edited by MeSherlock at 2:32 PM, Sunday, June 19th]

Ah, yes.... The infamous smear campaign. He won't take any accountability and will make you the bad guy. He's the victim and you're the mean person making him move out. He doesn't know why....

Hang in there and vent away.

Thanks leafields! So I guess the smear campaign is very common with these types of cheaters? Will they ever wake up? Will they ever realized what they have done? This idiot just turned 62, you would think he's reached maturity already!

Losers snd cheaters telling the truth? ROFLMAO.

The good news is eventually, the charade gets uncovered. People figure it out.

Honestly if some random guy says to you "I may be getting kicked out of my house" most normal sane people would think "what the hell did you do wrong". Only gullible people believe "it’s the crazy wife" story.

But then again maybe I just give people more credit than I should.

In any event, it’s good to see you are able to take some positive steps.

Hello Everyone. I would like to give an update. I've been feeling quite down and depressed the past few days.
I realized I've been watching and witnessing his continual lies for almost 5 months now. I did see an attorney and it was a great visit. She told me not to reveal my sources and save everything securely. Which I have done. But what is eating me is that I cannot reveal everything I know. So he continues to lie to my face. For example, he would tell me he does not want a divorce. He wants to start over. He stopped talking to OW. Which are all lies.
Because once he gets to work, he talks shit about me. Telling them he has to kiss ass when he gets home. I don't make him happy like OW. He can't talk to me like he talks to OW. He sees himself on the beach with OW when he retires. I told my attorney that I'm afraid to start the D proceedings. He's the type that it is OK if he leaves me but definitely not ok if I leave him. He does not take rejection well. He has made threats before if I leave him he would hurt me. So now I'm stuck in this lying deceitful marriage. I wish I could file and be done with this idiot.
Thank-you for allowing me to vent.

I’m sorry you are still dealing with this selfish behavior.

How to get through? Imagine the shock he will be in when he is served or you tell him you are D him or you lock him out.

He will go apeshit crazy. He will realize he has lost control.

Just be sure to tell him you will subpoena every person in his office to testify that he admitted to them "he loves the OW better". And it’s going to cost him b/c you are not settling for his crap any longer.

If you are fearful of his threats, get prepared. Discuss with your attorney. Maybe keep a voice activated recorder on you just in case. Hopefully these are just idle threats.