SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WS attempting to reconcile. 4 years together, 6 of affiliation with BS.
Cheated with his Brother(one time thing that happened and we were caught by BS after the interaction) and attempting to reconcile per BS. In need of advice on my part on navigating the rapidly changing emotions BS has. I know they are to be expected but I'm having a really hard time going through the motions, as is he. One minute he wants to leave and then the next is saying that's the last thing he wants to do. He also is saying thay he wants me to "make this better". I'm trying to be as transparent and honest as possible with him, im answering all of the questions he has even if it's for the 100th time, anything he asks me to do I will. I know how hurt he is from experience, I know the shakes and the nausea that comes with the feelings. I just need any sort of advice on how to navigate this so that we can reconcile approrpiatley. At the end of the day, I just want us to do what's best for us and I really want that to be staying together, but I don't know if he is able to look/move past this.

His emotional swings are to be expected. How long ago did this happen? Did he find out immediately or later?

You have a lot of work to do and will need patience and understanding. I would suggest getting into the Wayward forum and follow their advice.

I glad you reached out here but R is a long tough road

Best Wishes to you

This happened about 20 days ago. There wasn't 24 hours between the incident occurring and him finding out. It wasn't immediate but it was within a day that I told him the truth. I denied at first because he came in and became violent.

What do you mean? How,exactly, was he violent?

If he was violent, then both of you are abusers.

How did you wind up having sex with his brother?

There is a thread,in the wayward forum, Everything A Ws Need To know. Study it. Put it into action.

Things you should be doing...

Full transparency. He gets full access to all of your accounts. Including your phone. Passwords as well.

You answer all of his questions, for as long as he needs to ask them. Without anger, or defensiveness.

You get tested for stds.

You go NC with the OM. Which will be difficult,since he is his brother.

You put him on an emotional roller coaster. If you want to attempt R,buckle up,and ride it with him.

That doesn't mean it's ok for him to hit you. Hitting is as unacceptable as infidelity. Both are abuse.

You need to understand it takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this. There is no quick fix. You have severely traumatized your husband.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:37 PM, Friday, February 11th]

And,his back and forth emotions? Completely normal. He doesn't know what he wants. He just wants the pain to stop, and he is desperately trying to find sole sense of normalcy. Unfortunately, he won't have that for a very long time

You say you're having trouble with it. Not every marriage should be saved. If you don't have what it takes to attempt reconciliation, then tell him now. It will save him some pain,and further humiliation.

I think i need to clarify, his brother and I did not have sexual intercourse together. It was a make-up session and then oral sex, no true penetration.

Yes there was physical violence. He attacked me multiple times. I feel like I can do this, I just am clueless with what/where to go with advice. I posted in the wayward forum as well.

Mxrowley17 it is good that you're here. That you're asking these questions, feels like a good sign to me. Though so early in the game, you may want to explore the wayward side. You're likely to get hammered in here.

Gently.......
I had my FWH draw up a post nuptial agreement at ABOUT the timeframe you're in. I was willing to work on it, but I wanted to know that I'd be ok without. I also felt ashamed that I deeply loved a man and had a friend (WW) who could do this to me. Check into the double betrayal forums, it really does a number on your psyche to be the BS in a double betrayal. Your BS is in a tornado of emotion over you and his brother. Neither of those relationships will likely ever be the same. FWH was baffled that I'd essentially ask for a divorce decree while also saying that I loved him. It is because the affair is SO much harder for the BS. It really feels as if the earth has tilted on its axis. All the things you trust about yourself and your life as a BS are gone. I got violent too, when it first all came to light. Though never with physical violence toward a person. (there were a lot of smashed wedding pictures, dishes, torn up clothing, etc. for a long time). Please keep yourself safe. Do you have any children?

My 3rd antiversary of DDay is in a couple of weeks. It really DOES take 2-5 years to heal. The first year, I was about 50%....still not sure....but willing to work. Second year 75% or so. I'd say 80-90% now, but it will never be 100%. This will always be part of the story of your relationship and of his relationship to his brother. The OW in this situation......the level of hatred I have had for my former un-friend scared me at times. She will never be worthy of my friendship again. I run into her constantly, but I can cut her out as unimportant in my life. That this was his brother is going to really cause him additional pain and anger. You need a plan for how you'll handle running into the brother on your own....with your BS.....to show him that you're really with your BS.

I will say that I am in a much happier space, but I had to decide if it was worth working on for me. You're going to have to be able to prove a negative to him. You're going to have to prove to him that you're no longer doing the thing that you promised not to do. You're going to have to prove to him what his brain is telling him is utterly untrue, because his brain is going to try to make him feel safe with hypervigilence. It may be years before he isn't double checking. If the affair is indeed over, it will take years for him to believe that.

If you want to help, you have to be willing to put in the hard work on yourself and show up gently with empathy for him while owning you were the one responsible for putting him in this tailspin. You need to be willing to put in all this work without knowing if it will work. And keep showing up willing for more uncertainty. Both of you need to read everything you can get your hands on and get GOOD counseling. Gottman books and counselors made all the difference for us.

Let's not minimize.

Oral sex is just as bad as sexual intercourse.

How old are you? Any kids?

Honestly, I'm not sure he will ever be ok,even within the typical BS timeline of 3 to 5 years.

The OM is someone he can't get away from. It's his brother. He will see him during holidays. His parents will push for him to let it go,long before he is ready, for the sake of the family. He will have to see you around OM. All of which flies in the face of attempting reconciliation.

You have to immediately stop the minimizing and own this. You will get no where in R as long as you can’t be honest about it.

dear m17,

i think it's encouraging, and admirable, that you posted in recovery. go you!

that being said, i highly encourage you to continue to post on your thread in the wayward forum.

it's okay to be raw and not know where you are going. it's okay that mistakes have/will be made.

we are here to help! hugs, sunny

Mxrowley, as a newly discovered WS you are unlikely to have come to grips with the enormity of what you’ve done. Consequently, you will likely trigger BSs that dealt with something similar or are not yet recovered. Accordingly, they may provide harsh feedback in an unpalatable manner. Until you get a better understanding of your situation, I’d strongly recommend you stay in the Wayward forum with the stop sign on. You need help, and currently that help is probably best delivered by other WSs and former WSs.

If you walked in on him having sex with your sister or your mum then you may, just may, understand what damage you have done to him.

His brother! For God's sake!!

Work out your whys and how you intend to become a safe partner for him, preferably with a professional
councellor. Even then this is such a terrible betrayal that its going to be a hard road.

I do not condone violence against women, that reaction, however understandable, is abuse and he needs to address that, however I hope he beat his brother within an inch of his life, betrayed by blood has to be the ultimate betrayal.

I wish you both luck. I fear you will both need it.

MX, you may want to have the Mods lock this thread and continue the thread in the WS forum. Just post a separate topic with the title "Mods Please" and ask for a PM.

Your BS is dealing with trauma. Our brains don't recognize the difference between physical and emotional acts of violence, and is a consequence of learning of the betrayal. He may even have PTSD. There's a lot to overcome.

You may wish to get the book by Linda MacDonald, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" as a beginning. It's a short book and can help you both.

Realize that this may be a dealbreaker for him and he may decide to not give you the gift of reconciliation.

You should share this site with your husband. He will need all the support he can get.

Please don't say you understand how much pain he is in. You have no idea. Even he has no idea,just how much this will seep into every facet of his life.

I also recommend you ask the the mods to lock this thread,and post only in wayward. Not because the BS here are somehow incapable of giving you excellent advice,but because it's a little early to post in reconciliation, when you are still in discovery, and recovery.

You should share this site with your husband.

dear m17,

i strongly encourage you to take some time for yourself here before sharing this site with your husband.

make sure the site is a good fit, and that you feel safe here before inviting him to participate.

while it's true that you both need help and support, it's important to understand and know the climate/culture of a site before blindly recommending it (to anyone).

kind regards, sunny

I'm a BS and I think I could bring up a few things you may not think of.

Be completely honest with your H, no matter how much you think it will hurt him. Everything.

He has to know when you first "saw" your BIL. If you always had the hots for him or if something happened like you noticed how nice he looked in his jeans or maybe you both had been talking for a while and things got gradually closer.

Your H has to know what it was exactly, because if you tell him it was a mistake or you don't know why, he's going to wonder for the rest of his life what it is that will cause you to have another mistake. He's never going to really heal because he's got the Sword of Damocles hanging over his head.

Tell him any gifts you gave BIL, unkind things you told the BIL about your H and who else knew or suspected. Have you been getting support for this from a GF? Your H has to know.

Then do your best not to engineer an outcome. Lay it all out and let your H decide what he wants to do. Maybe he needs you around him all the time, some BS do. Maybe your H can't stand the sight of you. Maybe it will be both in succession, several times a day. That would be normal too. These are rocky, dangerous waters. You have to be there when he wants and back off as needed.

Most of all, do not see or contact the BIL for any reason whatsoever. Don't do the worst thing imaginable which is collaborate or scheme with the BIL on how to best comfort or handle your H. Even if you think you have the best intentions. You don't. I'm sorry, but your BIL is dead to you now and for the rest of your life. I am not kidding.

If she is to be transparent, she hides nothing. Nothing. That means if he asks her what she had for lunch, and she says she had a cheeseburger, instead of a hamburger, she's lying.

Please do not hide anything from him. Including this site.

He doesn't have to tell everyone he is your husband,or vice versa. But you being here shouldn't preclude him from getting support from the best source on the internet.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:56 PM, Friday, February 11th]

Locking. Duplicate thread in Wayward with Stop Sign.