SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a struggle that logic just isn’t solving. I have a TON of things in common with the AP. She was a coworker of his, and in his great stupidity, he told me before the affair started, "I think you’d get along with my new coworker. You have a lot in common."

He showed her Instagram profile to me, and it’s eerie. Even my friends have said so. We’re talking the same music, movies, obsession with Halloween and horror. We even worked at the same retail store at different times, and own some of the same clothes. She and I must’ve been like two ships passing in the night at certain points. It seems like everything I love, wear, listen to, and every place I’ve been, she’s been too.

The only difference between her and I is that I’m very private usually; I don’t have social media accounts. She posts photos of herself in lingerie online. When he showed me her account, I was SHOCKED at what she puts out there.

SO. Despite all of my WS’s remorse and humility, I’m struggling. I get massive anxiety going to places where I know she’s been. There are bands I’m scared to go see in concert. I’ve gone into full "fight or flight," mode when I’ve gone to some of these places following the affair. Heart beating so fast, palms sweating. I tried to tell myself I can’t let her take my joy, but my nervous system hasn’t gotten the message.

I feel like I’m a joke to her. Like she would find it amusing to see me. And I don’t know what I would do. Fly into a rage? Collapse crying?

I truly have no logical idea what in the hell I’m "afraid of," but how do I keep from letting this disgusting person mar the things I love?

I avoided places for a long time. I didn’t want them to take from me, but i also didn’t want to have to deal with seeing the AP (or my XWH).
Time helps. A few exposures help— you figure out it is okay. You survive. Don’t force it, but if you want to do something, do it. Have a plan in your mind how you will handle it, and if your H is fully committed to R, he’ll help you with this. You can handle it together.

Hang in there.

Thank you for your kindness and empathy.

What is your husband doing to help you through this?

I feel this to my bones.

I feel like I’m a joke to her.

She's a fucking joke to herself.

And I don’t know what I would do. Fly into a rage? Collapse crying

?

One thing that helps me navigate post infidelity life is to have a solid plan. Now, in my case AP [who is a polar opposite of me in so many ways] lives hours away in another state. Yet - one time we were in the same place and I only realized it post DDay. Anyway - it is now a constant fear. And I "see" her everywhere. And on more than on occasion had me puking in a bathroom. BUT I now have a solid plan. Such as I will go to the bathroom and do my grounding/breathing exercises in the privacy of a stall. I will then run my wrist pulse points under cold water for a long time while washing my hands. I will carry my emergency Rx of Xanax with me at all times and know there is no shame in using it. I will ask to leave if I feel I can't do it. And, stay or go, I will walk tall with my shoulders square even if I have to melt down in the car afterward.

I also remind myself she's not worth wasting bail money on and that I do not look good in orange or horizontal stripes.

I truly have no logical idea what in the hell I’m "afraid of," but how do I keep from letting this disgusting person mar the things I love?

Sheer fucking grit and a shit ton of time. And baby steps along the way.

Hellfire: I can’t lie - he’s doing everything he can. We’re going to therapy together and individually. He listens and holds me when I cry, sometimes even crying himself. He’s said we shouldn’t let her ruin things, and that if we saw her somewhere, we would hold our ground and wouldn’t acknowledge her. But despite all of his support, I still have unbearable anxiety about it. I’m pretty independent as well, so I keep searching for some sort of solution that will assuage my fears, without needing anyone else’s help.

Chaos: You’re incredible. Thank you for the backup by saying she’s the joke. And I feel you so hard. Crying and panicking in the bathroom are very real. But I’m so in awe of your strength and grace in how you handle yourself. This all does take baby steps and it’s so frustrating sometimes to feel like you can’t just move on easily.

And another thing the cheater NEVER considers.

So sorry for you.

In many ways (not all), my husband’s affair partner is a better, more successful, more interesting version of me. My husband still works with her, we live in a small town, and it sucks.

She might think you’re a joke, but if so, it just shows what a nasty, broken person she is. So hold your head high.

She might actually feel pretty freaked out and bad if she sees you. If so, hold your head high.

She and your husband are the ones who did wrong. You didn’t fuck someone else’s spouse. You didn’t wallow in self absorbed, delusional nonsense, making excuses for utterly disrespecting another human being’s life and agency. So hold your head high.

Throw up in the bathroom later if you have to, or sob in a heap on your closet floor (my outlet of choice). But if you see that bitch, stare her down, freeze her out, and hold your head high. You have the moral high ground. Own that shit.

And hugs. All of this sucks so bad.

[This message edited by Grieving at 1:02 AM, Monday, February 7th]

I am totally with you. My partners AP is my polar opposite which is also very scary. While I love dressing up and am a very sex positive person, I am not overtly flaunting my sexuality. So one morning, 8 am, I came from my night shift - I am a care worker- tired, scruffy and hardly holding on to my coffee cup. I needed to go the post office, so in I shuffle - and practically ran into her: black mini skirt, freshly curled, blond hair, perfect make up und HIGH HEELS. REALLY???? I had dreaded this precise moment for months. I hadn't known what to be more afraid of: my own melt down or me punching her in the guts, literally.

You know what happened? I got the giggles. It was so hilarious: I had just spent 24 hours helping others to survive and she looked like a first class hooker on the way to her first appointment. There was nothing, NOTHING that woman could do to me, to my inner core, my moral fibre, my essence as a women.

I promise you: if you two run into each other, you may be flustered, angry or disgusted, but you will not falter. For you have fought. And that fighting spirit will kick in when needed. TRUST YOUR INNER STRENGTH.

Two things have helped me a lot. One was the saying "All good things wait on the other side of fear." I have learned to see my anxiety not as an end, but as an indicator: what I am afraid of points to the area in my life where I have most to learn and to GAIN. Put that fear in front of you and ask it whats its gifts to you are. It will answer. In very many cases it sais: I am anger not allowed to show itself.

Secondly, good old Voodoo. No kidding. I made a doll that looked like AP and I took all my screaming rage out at her, mostly verbally, sometimes not. First, she was in a box and I couldn't even look at her. But gradually she lost her hold in me, with every time I shouted at her. And I think, when I saw the real, sad person, this is why only laughter was left.

LL -
I would put out that if she is so much like you, looks, preferences, etc. If she thinks you're a joke, think about the fact that she gave up the goods and didn't even get a ring out of it. She just wanted a little bit of your life. Think of it like that.
She is a wannabe that couldn't even get her own man. She had to find one that liked a person just like her and went for him.

DoinBettr - Thank you so much for that perspective. It definitely puts me back in a position of power, which I've unfortunately given up for some time now. Your words are so appreciated.

The only difference between her and I is that I’m very private usually

Well that’s not the only difference. You also have morals, class, etc. I’d say there really is no comparison. SHE is the joke. Not you.