Yup.
Ditto.
Only for us/me, there isn't any wedding involved.
It could be another legit trigger, or no trigger at all.
We're going through life, no drama, and I guess I would describe it as some weird form of 'being in the moment.'
A slight segway here, but it's sometimes said that the very point of SI is to 'get out of infidelity.' And that may take many forms, any form. It could be anything from genuine 'reconciliation,' whatever that means to the individuals and the couple involved, to divorce, to the demise of one or both partners (the ultimate in 'til death do us part.)
Ok, so, I can say that I'm as certain as certain can be that we are 'out of infidelity' and we have been for many years.
So if I, if we, are living 'in the moment,' then, there is no infidelity, right? No drama. No need to be 'triggery.' No need to disturb the dust. Living in the now infidelity free moment.
And yet, I have had *this exact same experience.*
One drink too many, with or without any specific trigger, and I am *absolutely FLOODING.*
And it's very, very real.
I cannot say that I'm 'white knuckling' through this marriage, not at this moment.
In very many ways, some of them quite fundamental, some of them quite esoteric, I *finally* have the life and the marriage that I've wanted since I was a small child.
I'm just now processing out the damage that was incurred on the way to here. The infidelity is but one of those damages. Only one. There is a larger context. In reality, the infidelity itself is not the context.
It is the sentinel event that puts all of the rest of it, including the overall context, in perspective.
'All this, and that too.'
The thing that sets infidelity apart is that it is such a specific, intimate betrayal.
There is one, *one,* very narrowly defined set of boundaries and parameters that define a romantic *and* sexual relationship. Ironically, those boundaries and parameters may or may not include/encompass sexual exclusivity. What those boundaries and parameters *absolutely* encompass, include, accommodate, is agency.
We make ourselves vulnerable in the sacrifice of giving up some of our agency, as well as a large portion of our physical and emotional and psychological privacy and safety, to a greater good that is broadly and glibly and somewhat sloppily IRL defined as 'The Relationship.'
Teamwork makes the dream work, right?
In my case, the emotional and psychological and cognitive dissonance whiplash of 'infidelity' exists largely because I was white knuckling it through a *very, very* demanding life and marriage, on a number of levels, before, during, and after the infidelity occurred.
I was bringing my very largely unsung A Game in service to The Greater Good. 'We' are working toward 'A Larger and Worthy Common Goal.'
And I was accepting starvation rations in my life and in my marriage, because the narrative was that we are *both* sacrificing for 'The Greater Good.'
The fact that one partner took a unilateral walkabout in the middle of this overarching narrative of 'The Greater Good' stands alone on its own dubious merit. That turd rightfully stands alone.
In that a very narrow set of boundaries and parameters separates *this specific type of relationship, and this particular relationship,* "apart from all others," means that the very breach of those boundaries and parameters, 'undefines it.'
The marriage is no longer what it was. It's now some pedestrian service agreement. It's an expired warranty and some fucking stranger, whom you once thought was your spouse, is pounding your digits, pestering you to extend that warranty.
Your entitled spouse would like to speak to you about your service agreement.
At cost to you. You get to pay for this.
For me, finding out about a long ago infidelity, after white knuckling my way through life and this marriage for *years,* only to find out that the one precious definition that separated this relationship from *every other freaking obligation and narrative and 'ought to' and 'should' we'd both been servicing for *years,* that, THAT, was the ultimate mind fuck.
This is a word wall to say, ironically inversely, that the infidelity is merely a symptom of a larger problem- not with the marriage, but with the cheater, and that secondarily it impacts the marriage.
For me it's the absolute humiliation and shame that I put up with *years, years* of starvation rations, sacrificing for 'The Greater Good,' and while I was white knuckling that, I was ever so much more clinging to the one narrowly defined set of boundaries and parameters that made *this* relationship 'different than all others,'
... only to find myself left high and dry on a long ago broken promise, washed up on the shore of a lot of broken promises and unfulfilled dreams, and wondering how I got here.
IMHO, the infidelity is not and never was the primary problem.
It is just another, albeit a very specific and intimate, symptom.
My experience is that there has been 'unfaithfulness,' lack of commitment and fidelity all through the marriage.
The infidelity is just another episode, just another 'acting out.'
This one is so specific, however, that it's damned near impossible to write off to any other reason except for lack of- pick your poison. Lack of commitment? Lack of character? Lack of a conscience? Lack of empathy? Lack of a clue? Lack of give a fuck? It's the one that grabs our attention because it busts a very specific type of trust.
That breach puts every other bit of 'understanding' one has about one's marriage in mortal jeopardy.
... and once one sees that, and starts processing it, the infidelity itself 'right sizes' and the rest of the damned marriage comes into focus.
And that's why a single drink too far can lower inhibitions and erase the psychological defenses that prop up the 'This is fine, I'm fine' perception and narrative of daily marriage. It strips the narratives and the pretenses and the premises. It shoves a mirror in our faces- and that mirror is,
our very marriage.
I've said it before,
I'll say it again:
The Emperor Has No Clothes
It's just that you and I are *finally* picking our own noses up off of that grindstone and *looking* at it.
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 6:22 AM, Wednesday, February 2nd]
