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My WH moves in with the OW this week. He came home today to get some stuff. I nicely asked for keys and garage door opener and he said he wants to hold on to the garage door opener because he still has his stuff at my home. I told him that he does not live here anymore and I don’t want him coming to the house unless I am home. He said he would feel better if he held on to it because of his stuff. I asked home what he thinks I would do? He doesn’t trust me. 21 years and he does not know me.

We talked more about things needed for the divorce. He got nasty when child support came up and said he did not want them to automatically take the money out of his check. He would rather give someone else the money to pay me. So I questioned him. He said if the child support is over a certain amount he does not think I should get it. I told him it’s not up to me and is a state calculator. He got mad that I didn’t file on line and that I HAD to get an attorney. What? Why wouldn’t get one. He was so mean and had an attitude and told me I should just talk to him through my attorney. I am not sure what has gotten into him. I have been civil this whole time! Is this normal? Is he now just starting to realize the mess he got himself into and is taking it out on me?

He said he came by to see the kids but stayed a half hour and grabbed some of his belongings. His behavior is so confusing. Of course she. He left I cried. This is so hard. I am trying my best and he keeps doing more shit and saying things. He told a collections creditor for something that is solely in his name that I would take care of the payment and I was helping him out. No I am not, not for that. May name is not on the contract! Are they always so jerky and mean? Does it get any better? Is the OW in his ear with things or is this just him?

I've never had a garage door opener but I am sure you can reprogram your clicker and keypad (if you have one). I Googled What to do if your garage door is stolen and found information on that. There should be an easy way for you to reprogram so that his remote no longer works.

HaHaHaHaHa!!!

NICE TRY FOGGY WAYWARD DUDE!

Obviously your WH has underestimated you.

I would do exactly the opposite of everything he suggests. He seems to be categorically trying to manipulate you.

Do not file on-line. Get an attorney. Follow your good instincts and your attorney’s counsel, not your foggy WH’s.

On-line filing is for amicable, clear headed, no contest proceedings. As you can see your foggy thinking WH absolutely does not qualify.

Yes, he’s deep in fog. He’ll be unpredictable and irrational and mean. The husband you once knew will not be back for a while-if ever.

It’s heartbreaking but it’s not your fault, not your responsibility.

I’m unclear on the status of his residency rights at your home. You can request Law Enforcement supervision when he collects his things. Again follow your attorney‘s counsel in that regard.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:36 AM, Friday, January 21st]

Many of them are jerks. When they get caught and realize the world is not going to support their la la land ideas, they get nasty.
Stay the course, protect yourself and your kids emotionally and financially.

It gets easier. I promise. Keep taking care of yourself. you will get through this.

Check your garage door button pad. Ours has a lock button that disables the remotes.

He’s mean b/c he needs to make YOU the bad guy. This way he can justify his crappy behavior and decision to cheat.

It’s time to go no contact UNLESS he wants to see his kids. And I agree visitation cannot be at his residence with a 20- something and friends. No way!!

I think waywards are mean because of the shame. They cannot admit to themselves or to anyone else that what they did was shameful and damaging to others. They build an internal story as a defense mechanism. But I'm new here. Not sure my thoughts are worth anything. I'm in the same situation though.

Thank JustJason. Your thoughts are helpful and I am sorry you have to be here like all of us.

Have the state garnish his wages for child support. Otherwise he won't pay it. It won't be on time,or it won't be the full amount. Or both.

He is not your friend. Unfortunately he's made himself your enemy. He has declared war. Suit up.

Faithfinder, his behavior is awful, but not unusual. It sucks that he's decided to be a jerk. I agree he is NOT your friend. And he doesn't have your kids high up on his list of priorities. Gray rock with minimal contact seems the way to go for you to get through the D. Talking face to face alone with him probably not a good idea. You have to protect yourself - each face to face will cause further hurt. Shut down the "picking up a few things" strategy to come into the house. That crap could go on for MONTHS. Don't let him use your house as a storage unit for large furniture, equipment, tools or other things he doesn't need right now. Maybe specify a certain date in writing via your lawyer that he has to be 100% out? Or, anyway to rent a storage locker and move his stuff out? Pay for a month or two and notify him in writing he has until a specified date to get his stuff out of storage, or take over the storage fees. Document/photograph the contents of each box. Talk to your lawyer about how to get his stuff out ASAP. Start documenting everything to do with the kids. How about a family planning app to help you document all no shows, etc. and cut down on direct communication? And, yes it's okay to let your lawyer do the talking!

Not surprising he'd prefer you didn't have a lawyer to protect you and yours. I agree with garnishing the paycheck if you can. Collection agencies are already after him. HIs situation is likely to get more precarious.

If I were in your situation, I'd run background checks on the OW and her room mates. Could be helpful to strengthen the children's visitation parameters. You suspect drug use. Anyway to document that stuff? OW or room mate social media for example? Also run REGULAR credit checks on yourself, your husband and children. Your STBX has money problems. He could use family SSN#/info to open new lines of credit and so on. Gaaah. So sorry you're dealing with this shady crap and have to get all PI on his ass. The warning signs are there - in debt, burning through $$, drug use, pregnant OW concerned about her piece of his $$, and he's made his selfish intentions around child care for your kids very clear. Seriously, do NOT give him the benefit of the doubt. You may be concerned that gray rock, childcare apps, communicating through the lawyer, etc. could escalate his negative attitude. Faithfinder, things are already pretty grim. You will gain peace of mind with gray rock and confidence that you've done everything you can to protect yourself and your kids using the law. Helping him to exit stage left and start his shiny new life with OW ASAP is to YOUR benefit, not his. Hope this helps.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:11 AM, Saturday, January 22nd]

Yes, do exactly the opposite of what he is asking for. BC he is looking out for his best interest and you need to look out for yours.

Garage door, there is a switch to reprogram. Its easy, will take you a few minutes. Just look up youtube.

I would just get his paycheck garnished. End of story and you wont have to deal with him. He won't be late. Its the best solution.

Got a few thoughts to add. Sorry if my observations feel like 2X4's. I'm just a stranger on the internet, outside looking in. I hope the following doesn’t offend – not my intention. The goal is to give you a few words of support from one betrayed spouse to another. Hope it will help.

Why is he so mean?

Faithfinder, manipulative people typically use the same three channels to manipulate those they hope to manage:

Rage/Anger, Self Pity, and Charm (being nice.)

He may surf through these channels randomly to hit on the most efficient method to manage you in any given moment. It's maddening! Your comment "his behavior is so confusing" is a sign that you are probably being managed as he flips through the standard manipulation channels. If your separation situation/dynamic is typical, he's probably been heavily tuned to the self pity or charm channels to kept you softened up to:

-Keep you lined up as plan B place to land in case things go south with OW, or a convenient place to park material goods that won't fit into his new apartment life. Responsible people (like you) may consider maintaining a "friendship" with their cheater "for the sake of the children" so make themselves into convenient doormats because "staying friends" is the "decent" way to behave. Staying "friends" also lets him control the narrative "yeah, it's hard but we're still friends." If you remain friends what he did can't be that bad, right? He's NOT your friend. This guy ABANDONED you and your kids. You don't need to be friends with him to successfully parallel (not co) parent!

-Keep you feeling sorry for him so he can mange you into securing a favorable $$/childcare settlement during D, or so you will excuse the no-shows with kids supervision, and during holidays because he's "having such a hard time." Making excuses for him with friends and family also serves his image management. Decent people (like you) with a normal stockpile of empathy are easy to manage with the self pity channel. Hypothetical example: He shows up at Christmas all teary eyed. Only stays briefly because "it is so hard for him to be here." Splits to go spend Christmas with OW. You and the kids may even feel sorry for him. Poor guy. When his goal all along was to spend that time elsewhere.

Faithfinder, you had the good judgement to retain a lawyer and file for separation, which doesn't work for HIS best interests. So now he's flipped to the rage/anger channel. To see if he can get you to back down by pushing your guilt buttons maybe? You are a functional human being with intact emotional wiring, so pushing your emotional buttons to get a desired reaction from you may be standard operating procedure for him. Google terms like DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), false equivalencies, minimization, etc. etc. and read up. "30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics" by Adelyn Birch is a quick, concise 61 page read that covers most of the ways manipulators take control in personal relationships. Learning the game so he can't play it with you is key for you to keep your sanity during the separation. You may find that some of the emotional manipulation tactics outlined were always in play during your marriage. I know I did. I just didn't have the tools to identify these behaviors or the motivation to name them pre D-day.

Gray rock with minimal contact (kids or finances only at YOUR convenience) doesn't mean you're being harsh, or rude - you're being neutral. Gray rock/minimal contact protects you from his button pushing. And helps you gain distance, healing and clarity regarding your new life without him in it. Maintaining contact only prolongs the pain. Have you told his family/your friends what's going on? Servicing his image management to protect his family is not your job. They deserve to know the truth. If his family needs to be in touch with him politely extricate yourself from this duty. He's not your responsibility anymore. He made his choices.

This is none of my beeswax, but I noticed you filed for separation, not divorce. Wondering what the logic is to separating rather than divorcing? Why not proceed directly and cleanly to divorce? He discarded your family. You're working with a lawyer so I hope this was their strategy? Faithfinder, I'm in your corner, rooting for you to continue on your path out of infidelity. So glad you retained a lawyer and are taking some painful steps towards building a new life for you and your family.

ETA:

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn is another good read to help you decipher what's going down right now, and help to keep sane as you navigate your way.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 12:42 AM, Monday, January 24th]

Thank you BB! I am on this forum for honest feedback and I appreciate it. I filed separation initially to save my finances. However, we are dangling the divorce carrot to get certain things I want from in order to move forward in the divorce. My attorney came up with this.

I am very close with his family. I think his mom speculates something. His sister asked me not to say anything to them due to their poor health and age.

Everything u said is right and I need to start doing what you say. It is hard but I think with him finally being gone, moved out will be better for the kids vs the prior in and out.

This is the worse thing I have ever experienced and I would not wish this upon anyone! I always choke after the divorce, I am gonna write a book.

Thank you for being in my corner. This forum is one of the best things I found - on top of my great friends and family! He

Not only does he have to pay CS by state calculations, but most likely SS. Money to you to keep up the house for his kids.
Get a lawyer ASAP. That specializes in divorce, let them handle it. Your WH does not care about you. Or your family.