SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am new to this forum but unfortunately not to emotional infidelity from my WS. I have been married 35years. About four and a half years ago my WS went to his college reunion - old single girlfriend never heard her name before. Three months later he asked me for a divorce. I started investigating found texts, fbook messages, long phone calls (he spent a lot of time in our backyard. Btw I had a broken ankle full cast for 8 weeks. And an adult disabled daughter that I care for. He kept denying everything but by that time the she had dumped him and she backed out of the hotel room he reserved for another upcoming college event ( He just wondered what would happen duh)Lots of therapy, things got better the OW was out of state not a threat. Really painful for me he took her on lunch dates, bball game made up lies never took a day off of work to help me.

Fast forward to March 2020 pandemic, knee surgery visits to physical therapist 2 blocks away. OW unprofessional, a tmi person never married fbooks him I make him delete. Investigate find a "phone call on Christmas" back to therapy. WS keeps lying says just friends. I get into his email find stupid stuff OW says all the right things. Acts like she’s concerned about our marriage but wants him to tell me about her. More lies WS says no communication there is more in his work email. He refuses to admit it he leaves our home rather than discuss and they get their stories straight "close relationship" I confront her. Supposedly ended once, twice they each tried to reactivate he says only wanted to b friends. Met her walking our dog and stopping at her workplace frequently after he drove our daughter to her day school.

This is so hard he seems to understand and is remorseful but when someone lies to you over and over again it is really really painful. I am sad and angry we are going to therapy separately he says he feels shame and realizes what he may of lost. Very hard for me to trust.

I am soooo sorry you are going through this. I am new to this as well. The lies are the hardest to get past. My WH has lied so much in the last 8 months, I never know what’s the actual truth anymore. He always says you will believe what you want. Yeah, duh, that’s because he lies sooooo much. I wish I had some sound advice for you, I am still trying to figure out my own mess.

WH is engaged before I even served him papers, to a 26 coworker, he is 50. Now he is moving in with her and a roommate (male). Our kids are so low on his priority and it sad.

I know it’s hard to hear but the lies I think are worse than the actual affair. I wish you the best. Know your self worth! You are so much better than WS! You are beautiful soul and you need to believe that.

Hugs to you!!

As long as he continues contact he is having an affair.

Best solution is for you to get counseling just for you to figure out what you want.

And yes, the kids are the worst.

Unfortunately without some consequences he just assumes you will continue to take him back. So he does whatever he wants.

Read up on the hard 180 and then do it. It’s step 1 towards getting you out from under his infidelity cloud.

My story is somewhat similar to yours. Married about the same amount of years AP another world away so no chance of actually having intercourse. You know the women are trash but they build up this fantasy of them. My fool thinks I will get over it. Well it’s been four years the lies and the cruelty he did those first initial months make me never trust him again. As long as his life was a fantasy he could care less about the pain caused to me. That special bond you thought you had is gone isn’t it? I remember searching for something or one to take the pain away for me but no one could. Our lives have been forever altered. I trusted completely and that has forever been demolished. You wonder how could a lifetime spent together be diminished to nothing. I don’t have advice and you seem to have already got that covered with counseling. You have been heard and understood I wish I could knock some since into him for you but obviously that feel good feeling he is experiencing seems to be a siren call for hm. What a fool! If you want to talk to someone who gets the pain brought into your life I am your gal.

It is often the case that WS's get worse after d-day meaning they lie more, trickle truth and go into a shame spiral. In the case of your WS, the shame must be great as when the going got tough, he bailed.

Where does that leave you? As others have said, it is important for you to take care of you. There are many great articles in The Healing Library on this site that might be helpful; A Tactical Primer, Understanding Boundaries, Getting the Truth, Understanding the 180 and Mind Movies and How to Stop Them. It is clear he is still a WS if he hasn't gone NC (no contact) and committed to being in his M. He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (PDF version is free on the Web). It may be a good read for you too to help with boundaries and setting your expectations of him.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. It must be so hard to recover from surgeries and have to deal with this too. Please know you will survive this and you will learn to love yourself even more. That's the whole key to our recovery - process the pain from the activities involved in the betrayal, learn to love ourselves enough to set boundaries that are healthy, learn to be happy independent of anyone else so that we don't need others but when we have those relationships that enhance our lives.

Do you have a therapist that specializes in infidelity trauma? It is important you have someone who understands the depths of trauma infidelity causes and can help you process the pain.

Big hugs to you Nomas.

Thank you to all for your kind thoughts and wishes. It is true that the lies are what stick with me most. Many times with the second OW I would ask a question that I knew the answer to a caught the lie and confronted him.

I am working on getting stronger. However even with therapy you can’t change someone’s personality, my WH is 61. He is trying so maybe this time I will get over this faster than the first OW. Unfortunately there are triggers she is a physical therapist and works 2 blocks from my home.

Hi @Nomas how are you doing? I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of infidelity in your marriage.
Trust broken does take time to rebuild and I do understand myself having walked that path. It's good that you're both going for IC to help both of you individually process what has happened and why. Hopefully you will also consider Marriage counseling as you go forward.
I think time and will tell how sincerely remorse your husband is about his wrong actions and if he's committed to rebuilding the broken trust in your marriage and I hope this is the case.

I would say try not to rush into making any major decision for now but instead focus on your well being and getting stronger. You are enough and worthy of love that can be trusted.

Sending you much hugs ))).

Did this physical therapist treat you or your WS? If so, that's an ethics violation, as well as being illegal, and should be reported to her employer.

Yes! Ethics violation. If she did not directly treat you or your WS I would still report her to the owner/employer. PT, office staff - whatever her role is, this behavior is not appropriate. The owner should be concerned if employees are messing with the business by getting all TMI and inappropriately involved with clients. Some physical therapy offices are part of a larger chain and may even have an HR department.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:15 PM, Friday, January 21st]