Let me ask you a serious question. Do you actually want to stop?
The question is are you serious about wanting to change?
Let me ask you a simple question. Why do you want empathy? What for?
If yes, you are capable of empathy. You're simply refusing to extend the same courtesy to your spouse. Why is that?
You've been doing the same old thing for a decade. It doesn't seem to be working out for you. At some point, enough is enough. When is your enough? And what are you going to do to change it? Have you sat down to make a list and start checking them off?
What are you afraid of?
There have been some really great questions in this thread. And they are all based around the same, basic premise. YOU are your biggest barrier right now. To me, it sounds as if there is something about yourself that you are NOT willing to face, most likely because of fear or doubt, or some kind of internal misinformation.
Look, your life is crazy and painful right now. You are hurt, you are scared, you are unsure of what to do, and it's got you like a deer in the headlights, frozen in time, standing still and waiting to see if the car is going to hit you, and unaware that it's completely within your own power to move out of the way on your own accord. Stop waiting for things to work, or for the right time, or whatever it is you are clinging to as an excuse for remaining a victim, and just do something about it. Accept the fact that your marriage is already over and has been for some time, regardless of whether or not you still live together or have not divorced, etc. Accept the truth that what you did, you did on purpose, to her, and that you devastated her. Hate what you did, not who you are.
Here are some thoughts for you. A simple exercise. Try saying these phrases to yourself, and see how many seem to "fit" with who you are today. Do you agree with them? Can you feel them, or do they seem uncomfortable to you? Maybe try talking to your IC about these thoughts?
1) I deserve happiness
2) I am proud of who I am, today (even if I'm not perfect)
3) I can decide how to respond to my own emotions
4) I can be okay with not being comfortable
5) I can hate what I did and still love and respect myself by owning it
6) I'd rather try, and maybe fail, at trying to change than live with who I am and how I feel today
7) Truth hurts for a little bit, and then relieves your burden and makes you stronger. Holding a secret just hurts forever.
8) I have the power to decide who I am, and can change at any time
9) I can't undo what I did, but I can choose my actions going forward to not repeat my poor choices
10) If someone else doesn't like me, that's okay. I just need to be proud of myself.