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So I have tried all the time to talk about the affair with my husband. He tells me he has nothing to say. Everyday he talks about it and argues in front of my son. He is 11 and I have told him not to do it.he continues to do it on a daily basis. He purposely tries to hurt me because of what I did. He doesn't want to reconcile with me. He continues to tell me no matter what I do or changes I make he will not forgive me or work with me. I have been looking for another job. I'm have an interview so I hope that will make things better. But each week it's tough. I try to be on his level but he won't let me. He enjoys to tell my son how horrible I am. My son knows and he still loves me. I don't know what to do. I just feel like no matter what I do he just wants to hurt me. I have asked why does he want to be with me but he doesn't know why. Or the fact he is staying for my son while he continues to treat me bad. I know I fucked up but I really am doing my best. I go to therapy and he has gone a few times. He doesn't use the tools or advice. Is it okay that he talks about the affair everyday in front of my son. I have stopped asking to talk because he tells me has nothing to say. He has alot to say when my son is around.i feel lost and just don't feel like I'm making an progress with my husband. I don't think he wants to reconcile with me.he just wants to cause me pain and hurt me. Maybe I'm overreacting.not sure

I’m a betrayed spouse so I get his anger… BUT… if he tells you he won’t reconcile and if he is out to hurt you… well… what option do you have?

As someone that advises BS I always say that we BS have two options. We can reconcile if our WS wants to reconcile and is willing to do the work, or we can divorce. Like if your husband wanted to reconcile, but you were still in your affair it wouldn’t work. He alone couldn’t reconcile the marriage. If I was guiding him I would be telling him to divorce because the other option – to R – simply wasn’t open to him.

Sadly, the same applies to you IMHO. If your H says he doesn’t want to reconcile then IMHO your only realistic option is divorce.

I encourage you to open that discussion with your husband.

Make it clear that you would want to reestablish your marriage, but that if he doesn’t want to reconcile and isn’t willing to work on the marriage then it’s better for everyone that you two get this over with.

You’re not overreacting. It’s not ok. Can you ask your son to leave the room when he starts in? Tell him that this is a mom and dad conversation?

I don’t know your backstory and unless you’re not being truthful and there’s more to it, sounds like you need to work on your exit plan. Hurt or not, you’re not doomed to be a verbal punching bag forever, and it’s going to hurt your son long term.

BS, here. No, it absolutely is NOT okay for him to talk about the details of the affair or disparage you in front of your son. I'm also the daughter of a serial cheater, and our mother talked a lot about the infidelities in front of my siblings and me. We were same age range as your son. It is TOXIC to kids to have to grow up hearing that. It's emotional responsibility that is way too heavy for them to bear. Please find counseling for your son.

Talking to your child about the affair can be a good idea when it is done in an appropriate and healthy manner. They should have a chance to ask questions and express their feelings. You play the part of the adults, deciding what is appropriate to share in relation to their maturity level, and being supportive and loving.

Pitting your child against you is another matter altogether. During my affair, I treated my teen daughter much the same way your husband treats your son. I would talk to her "on her level", not as a parent, but as a friend, and a friend her age at that. I would inappropriately share details of our marriage, the affair, my thoughts and feelings, and so on. Honestly, it did tons of damage to my daughter (all our kids really) and of course to my wife who now had to deal with her husband triangulating her child against her.

Later, in therapy, I discovered there is a term for this, called "spouseification" (and other similar terms). It is unhealthy and damaging. Your husband can hate you and dump on you if he wants to, that's his right and you did cause the problem in the first place. But your child has nothing to do with this. He is not harming you by doing this, he is harming your son, harming his view of relationships, harming his view of both of you, of his security, of his place in this world. In my opinion, it is abusive.

Is there any chance you two would see an MC? Or even a family therapist? Either of these would call this out in a heartbeat, in my opinon anyway.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 8:15 PM, May 20th (Thursday)]

He has abused you, throughout your entire marriage. What he is doing now, is abusive towards your son.

I'm all for age appropriate honesty. That's not what he's doing. He is using your son as a weapon.

Please get some IC, so you can get the strength to leave this man.

I have told him many times not to do this around him and he continues to do so. I can't use the word abuse around him because then he says I am then blaming him for the affair. I tell him it's inappropriate and he needs to wait when my son isn't around. I have told my husband if he doesn't want to work with him then that's okay. Then I guess I need to think about what I need to do. I have damaged my marriage and I don't think we can get through this if my husband doesn't want to be on the same page with me. He thinks if he reconciles then it's like we forget about it. I don't forget he reminds me everyday and I know what I did is wrong. I go to therapy every week. I am trying to heal. Working on having love for myself and getting through this but my husband continues to bring me down. I feel like I can't win or do what he needs from. It's never good enough. I have caused enough pain and I have ruined everything. Luckily my son will go with my mom for the summer and I can really think what I want

Is your H your son’s stepfather?

can't use the word abuse around him because then he says I am then blaming him for the affair.

He's a member,who has openly,repeatedly, admitted he has horribly abused you throughout the marriage. Yet won't take responsibility for that abuse to the one he abused. Typical.

Look,yes, you have caused damage to your marriage. That doesn't mean he hasn't as well.

Sweetheart, you've been married to him for 2 years. You are trying to work on yourself. He isn't. He is escalating. He is damaging your son

Not all marriages should be saved.

I am sorry that he is putting your child in the middle of this. It is absolutely not ok. My mom did this with me growing up, and what it caused was huge resentment, anger and distance towards her, along with other issues. That is what he is going to do with your son. It will push him away. It will cause your son to have negative feelings towards him. It will also cause damage to him. Your husband is angry, I understand that, but he is using his anger to not only punish you, but he is punishing your son. He is trying to use him against you. Trying to get him on his side.

Have you had solo talks with your son to see how he feels about what is going on? Has he said how it makes him feel when your husband brings up the affair around him?

Yes this is step son @ lifeisbetter. Yes I have talked to my son. He tells me he is okay what scares him is to lose my husband. My son tells me he loves me and he will be there no matter what. I do feel terrible that I am breaking my family apart because of my choices. I thought in time my husband would want to work with me but it hasn't been easy. I guess I need to find ways to talk or listen to his hurt. It just sucks he does it around my son.

I guess I need to find ways to talk or listen to his hurt. It just sucks he does it around my son.

If he is not going to get help for himself, and is planning to continue to abuse you and now emotionally abuse your son, then NO, you don't have to find a way to do anything other than get out of the relationship stat. If he has admitted to repeated abuse, in his mind your cheating now just validates that he was right to abuse you all along. He is not right.

How long do you wait before it escalates?

Are you in IC? You really need somebody to grab you by the shoulders and say to you "YOU ARE BEING ABUSED AND IT'S NOT OK!"

NO NO NO. Protect your son. Please. My mother cheated on my father and they drug us through their horror and it has had major lasting effects on me.

This makes me so angry to read. Your BS is way way out of line.

Do you have family you could go stay with?

You are not overreacting.

The sad situation as a parent who is a WS is that you have to protect both your son and the BS who will someday regret what he is doing to your poor son. Take it from a BS who wanted to send the OW's escort pictures to her daughter. I was not in my right mind to want to hurt a person through her child. (I never did act on it, but the thoughts were pretty strong.)

But if you are not able to redirect BS or go to a private room and he insists on belittling you in front of your son, then I think a period of separation is in order.... and FAST. It's very important that your son knows you will protect him and protect yourself even when you admit you have done something wrong.

BS is a grown man and will cope.

[This message edited by annanew at 12:03 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

First concern for me as a betrayed husband has ALWAYS been about protecting my kids from the fallout of infidelity. First thing.

Unfortunately we did have to sit down and talk to my 11 year old son this year because my WW’s AP’s son was my son’s best friend. It was confusing to him why he couldn’t have play dates. The discussion was age appropriate.

I would NEVER demean my WW to my son. NEVER. Not while we are in limbo, certainly not if we reconcile, not if we divorce. This is his MOTHER, for goodness’ sake. I want him to know that I love her, even if we divorce. I want him to have a good relationship with his mother for the rest of her life and his.

I would never burden a child in such an awful way. The thought brings tears to ny eyes. In fact this seems downright abusive to me.

Your husband needs to get his head on straight. Even in my worst haze of pain I wouldn’t do something like that.

If you were a single woman without children, then I would say it's your personal choice about what behavior you're willing to tolerate. But since this involves a little boy with no choice about how the adults responsible for him behave, then your only option is to remove him from this toxic relationship, which means divorce or, at the bare minimum, escorting your son from the room and leaving the house (if necessary) whenever your husband starts spouting off about the affair.

Is your son's father still in his life? If so, your ex will have every right to take appropriate action if he believes that his son is living in an abusive household, regardless of whether your son is the direct target for abuse.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:04 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

You made some bad choices and deserve a lot of disdain. However, every minute you keep this innocent child in this relationship is child abuse.

You need to finish what you started, and end this sick marriage. What you want is no longer relevant.

Mr. Patty21 sounds like a vindictive asshole who likes beating you over the head with your son -- and has no problem making your son a casualty just to stick it to you.

Draw a line in the sand now that he must respect or jettison him as far as from your son as possible. Your H has no class.

T/J

You made some bad choices and deserve a lot of disdain.

OP is here trying to find help in managing consequences following her bad choices- On the WS side. Feelings on what she deserves are irrelevant and a distraction to this thread.

What you want is no longer relevant.

This is true for this narrow discussion, that she does need to consider her son’s best interests and future and well-being- The fact that she’s here asking for advice tells me that she’s already well aware of this.

However, I don’t know that Patty21 has forfeited a fulfilling life based on her bad decisions. If her wants in the future are at odds with the health and well-being of her family, then she needs to temper it. But there is no life sentence here, nor should there be.

This is tough because looking at it from both sides we know that some very concerning behavior is happening:

- Parentification: frequently leads to all sorts of nasty little emotional obstacles and problems well into adulthood

- Patty's son is very worried about the state of her marriage and is afraid that Patty's BH will leave.

I find the second piece of information particularly alarming because either:

A. DS is afraid of the impact a D would have on Patty and is telling her what she wants to hear as opposed to what he may actually want if he does not have a great relationship with BH

AND/OR

B. DS genuinely loves BH is learning all sorts of ugly, unfortunate things about what a normal, healthy marriage looks like from him.

It's incredibly difficult for a child to hear one parent frequently bad mouth the other because a child identifies in part with each of their parents. Meaning if DS is frequently hearing bad things about Patty, DS starts to think he must be bad or tainted himself because he came from Patty.

This needs to stop immediately or a separation must be had and preferably some IC for the son too. It sounds incredibly difficult for him to be put in the middle of all these adult issues. He sounds dangerously close to participating in the marriage as if he is a third involve adult and that makes kids start to feel responsible when the relationship doesn't succeed which means they fall apart and blame themselves in a break up happens. He needs you to step up for him, Patty. Immediately. He needs you to reassure him that he's a kid who needs to be focused on school and kid stuff - NOT whatever BH is up to or how things are going between the two of you. He needs to know that a separation or divorce has NOTHING to do with him. He needs to hear it right away and perhaps multiple times until he believes it and can let go of being your mediator and his confidant.