SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry to the WS's and MH's at SI, I'm confused and looking in different directions I guess. I think the revelation of another OM that I didn't know about for years has thrown me for a loop.

Word travelled fast and OW sought me out, I did not contact her--not that it makes a difference.

WifeHad5, it was a good call to shut down the thread. I known the WS's and MH's are here to do the hard work of R and I've I've failed miserably.

Yes, I'm full of contradictions and hypocrisy, not hard for the folks here at SI to see this.

But what is true:

I did give my best at R and believed (and so did the MC) that Andi minimized the pain her A caused the marriage while putting all the load on me in R -- to a point where our MC said she didn't want to see us anymore. She told us that Andi was just wasting her time. Andi's own family thought she was being a total ass about her culpability in setting fire to our marriage and so did some of our closest friends (true friends of the marriage)

Let it be clear from me to all the WS's and MH's here at SI that I DO NOT condone infidelity.

I have no what I'm doing right now, which is the only thing I can say with certainty.

I talked to the MC today by phone, and she is going to see me individually. I think I need to focus on fixing me right now. And besides MC, SI is the only place I can really go.

And I have not spoken to Andi, don't even know where to start.

I honestly didn't read your post as "bragging" or rubbing it in.

I read your initial post as somewhat of relief.

Relief in the fact that you've acknowledged you tried, failed, and can now possibly move on with your life.

Did you do everything perfectly? most likely not (timing re: reuniting with OW likely too soon).

On the upside, counseling is good. Taking some time for yourself is good. Being honest is good-- and sometimes the very best person to be honest with is yourself.

Hope you find some clarity in your situation soon!

[This message edited by sundance at 10:23 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

And I have not spoken to Andi, don't even know where to start.

Don't. Take time to yourself. Speaking to her will only further complicate things and likely will hurt you both. You need to be more stable and sure of what you want before you open that door again. And don't ever do it if OW is still in the picture. She deserves at least that much.

It was tactless to post that you are stepping out, especially since this is an infidelity forum lol. Even though technically you deemed your relationship with AndI is all but done. But to be honest, I have read through all your posts and you need to know there is no going back if you want to seriously gtfo of this situation. No more unless your BW is contrite or some shit like that anymore.

I consider your situation as one caused by both of you. Saying that you would only consider reconciliation if your wife owned her part in it is a moot point now that you have stepped out of your marriage. I wish the best outcome for both you and your wife and that outcome may just be apart from each other.

I honestly took your post as somebody who is hurting and was trying to hurt others as a result, maybe hoping your wife would read it.

I would say IC is an absolute must. You seem to blame your wife for your affair. I also don’t think you ever got past feelings for the OW and that has caused you to never really be all in for R. You stood your wife up against some fantasy expectation represented by the OW. For you to immediately walk back to the OW, I don’t see how you could have been doing your best in R. I think the OW was a dark cloud over the whole thing, even though you seem to see her as the light.

Also don’t lose sight of the fact that this OW is somebody who slept with her best friends husband. She is a cheater like you and your wife. Not some good person.

I think you’re in your 50s? Time to mature a bit.

If you had really done the work on yourself, if you had been truly remorseful, and if you had really put in the work to reconcile, you never would have been with OW again. The though of it would have disgusted you.

If you asked the TRULY remorseful WS..the ones who have put in the work..if their marriages didn't work, if R failed, would they return to the AP..I would wager that none of them would say they would.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:13 AM, May 8th (Saturday)]

Almost every post you write has mention of how Andi has failed in some way. If you are truly interested in healing and getting out of infidelity it is time to start looking in the mirror.

You need to focus on healing you. Take responsibility for your own actions. Quit keeping score. It is unhelpful.

Any communication with the OW is a continuation of your affair. Either you are serious about healing yourself or you are not. Only you can decide.

Almost every post you write has mention of how Andi has failed in some way.

WOEz, THANK YOU. This is exactly what I came here to post. MyAndI, can you post without a "but" there?

Yes, I'm full of contradictions and hypocrisy, not hard for the folks here at SI to see this.

But what is true:

I understand you're in pain. I don't understand what your wife's actions have to do with your decision to sleep with OW and post here about it.

I have no what I'm doing right now, which is the only thing I can say with certainty.

This could be a good start. Why do you think that is? How are you feeling? Can you name it? And just start there, without blame?

It’s a good thing that you and your wife are divorcing because it’s apparent that both of you will never be able to love each other as much as you love yourselves.

Also, it’s telling that in your last thread you say that OW stopped by... as if she just magically appeared at your door step. You conveniently make no mention of reaching out to her, probably apologizing for asking for no contact, and giving her a sob story...

You can bullshit yourself, you can bullshit your OW, and your can bullshit your wife, but you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to bullshit SI.

BTB, I did not invite the OW by, Did not reach out.

Thanks for the posts everyone, I deserve it!

AND WOE, I have blamed myself for having an A and hurting my marriage, but maybe subconsciously I have kept score. I didn't see it that way at the time.

BTW, Andi has been texting me today and wants me to call her. I'm running out of reasons not to. I don't know if she knows.

I couldn't have found a better way to fuck up my life.

Be careful, MA. You DO NOT want to start bouncing back-and-forth between her and OW every time there's a fight. Be honest with her about what has been going on if she says ANYTHING R adjacent or regrets the separation. Don't string her along by withholding that from her.

How did she know you had separated? How did she know where to find you?

You may not have told her where to find you,but you had no problem taking her to bed. So,really,whether you invited her over or not, isn't important.

On March 25, you said that you cut contact permanently with OW and threatened her with legal action if she contacted you again.

And yet she just happened to know that you and your wife were on the outs? She took a lucky guess at your address? Why was she 100% confident that you weren’t going to kick her ass to the curb?

Either you think we’re stupid or you’re surrounded by so many idiots in your real life that you always think you’re the smartest person in the room.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:15 PM, May 8th (Saturday)]

Edited

[This message edited by siracha at 1:58 PM, May 9th (Sunday)]

Either you think we’re stupid or you’re surrounded by so many idiots in your real life that you always think you’re the smartest person in the room.

Yep. It’s not even a little bit believable.

I also find it interesting that you apologize to WS and MHs, and reassure them that you don’t condone infidelity, but nothing about the betrayed who saw your post. I think that speaks volumes.