SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I've checked in. My divorce was final about a year ago and I am living my best life. I am so much happier and have my energy back from the divorce-process depression. I've made tons of home improvements and redid much of our marital home. I still check in from time to time here, but it's painful to read everyone's stories when they are just starting out the divorce process. Hopefully I'll be in a place to offer better advise and show everyone what's on the other side.

I needed advice on an incident that happened the other day, where I didn't answer EXWH's call immediately about a change in routine due to an appt, so he called my 11 year old and proceeded to tell him that I don't ever tell him anything and never let him know what's going on. EXWH became agitated and I asked him to call me directly and stop telling DS bad things about me. Two days before this, I texted EXWH about the change and his response to the text was "F--- off and leave me alone". I try to follow the agreement to the "T", but this appt was only available on a certain day and EXWH just had to leave the kids with me, he already was at my home dropping off the overnight bag so it wasn't out of the way.

I am going to take the kids back to counseling, but wanted advice on how to handle talking about this incident in the meantime. I don't want to badmouth the EXWH, so I apologized for DS having to hear that. I don't want to make the kids feel like they have to take sides, but I don't want them to think the things he says are true, either. He feeds them so much "poor me" BS it's nauseating.

I filed to modify the agreement a little over a month ago, but have not even been assigned a mediator yet. Since filing, EXWH has told me that he is going to tell the kids I'm going to take them away from him. I am so worried about my kids and my mama-bear instincts are on high alert. I want to have supervised visits, but it breaks my heart that he might tell them one day I took them away from him and they might end up hating me for it. I just wish he was a better person and despise him for treating my babies like this.

Should I refute the bad things EXWH is saying about me, or try to rise above and continue to reinforce adults should not talk badly about each other?

The 10’year old is old enough to understand what the XH is saying. He needs an explanation - maybe you need professional advice on this.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:45 AM, April 24th (Saturday)]

document. document. document.

Make a calendar that is SOLELY for "stupid shit X does" and update it IMMEDIATELY after he does stupid shit. e.g., 4/20/21, X tells me to F off & leave him alone when I ask about accommodating childcare for my appt (and screen capture that text & save in at least 2 places). 4/22/21, kid1 tells me that X said "I don't ever tell him anything and never let him know what's going on".

All communication with X should be in writing (text, email), or by recorded telephone call (IF it's legal in your state - your atty will know. My state allows recording anything if ONE person to the convo consents, and that consenting party is basically the person who is recording it. I would never record a call if one of the participants was in a different state - that's a whole other potential can of worms)

Get the kid(s) to counseling and ask the counselor about how to approach in a manner that is age appropriate and healthy for THAT child's particular personality.

I am a child of D and both of my parents badmouthed the other to us kids. Personally, I think I would have just liked to have heard: I'm sorry your mom/dad said that, I certainly have a different perspective, but that is for me and your mom/dad to talk about with each other and NOT with you, as our child.

I think explanations beyond that serve to further put the kid in the middle, by the therapy community may view it differently.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 11:19 AM, April 24th, 2021 (Saturday)]

As far as your kids, you should:

rise above and continue to reinforce adults should not talk badly about each other

You need to keep them out of the middle as much as you can. That means a lot of "that conversation is between me and your father" and similar statements.

If your xWH continues to get hostile ("fuck off and leave me alone" qualifies as hostile), then you should stop communicating with him verbally and communicate only via parenting software. The nice thing about parenting software is that nothing is deleted ever.

It's best to follow the parenting plan as closely as possible, but there is also some flexibility that is expected from both of you. There will be conflicting appointments and both of you have to accommodate that.

FWIW, my parenting plan requires 24 hours notice for things like appointments (except in emergencies)... which seems like you did.

Everything has gone downhill fast since I first posted in this thread. EXWH's behavior escalated to the point where I had to withhold custody for their safety. This happened at the end of May. I can't put in for an emergency order because of the order I already filed so nothing is still happening until August.

I have no idea where to go from here and I don't know how to move past this. EXWH suffers from mental illness he's not managing well. When he is up, things are good and he acts appropriately. When things are bad, he's really bad but can't recoginize that he should not have visitation with the kids. I don't know how to ask for a new custody order that says he can visit only if his mental health is good at the time. Who would even be the judge of this?

It's absolutely breaking my heart I have to do this to keep my kids safe, I really hate this for them. I did offer supervised visits with EXWH's parents, but he has declined and then continually tells the kids I won't let them see him. My lawyer actually advised against supervised visits, but I just could not cut my kids off from their dad completely. EXWH's parents watch my older child 3x a week over summer break and DS11 told me EXWH has been stopping by and seeing him there. I am so angry at EXWH and his parents now. His parents have been told that visits need to be supervised for safety reasons. I never expected them to take my side, but I thought I could trust them to follow my wishes. I cannot trust childcare that would sneak around behind my back like this.

I am just so mentally exhausted, I'm ready to give up on the whole thing. I lost my 2nd job because he cancelled so many visits and I am in trouble at my primary job because I had to leave a few times mid day when EXWH dropped the kids off to me at my work because he couldn't deal with them. I tried to take a long camping weekend with friends and arranged for family to babysit, but he used the right of first refusal and texted me how badly the kids were doing without me the entire time I was away. I can't get a break. He hasn't paid child support in a year. I'm running out of money to pay my lawyer and my older child is always mad at me for keeping him away from his dad.

Even when we finally make it to the hearing in August, I have no idea what custody should look like going forward. All I've ever wanted for the kids is to have two happy healthy parents.

(((Planetx)))

This is just awful.

Just do the best that you can... which is keep your kids safe and listen to your attorney.