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We finally told our kids that we are divorcing. The oldest, I believe, had already figured it out our youngest was devastated and can’t stop crying.
STBXH was mad that I was going through with telling the kids, I believe he didn’t think I would follow through-or maybe just hoped I wouldn’t. I had to tell them, he refused and just sat there. When I told them that we had attended MC trying to work through everything and that tried very hard to stay together he rolled his eyes!! Rolled them so hard and tipped his head back. I know our daughter saw this.
The kids went upstairs to be alone and process and he started in telling me that we didn’t have to do this and there was nothing we couldn’t work out. I told him it’s true we didn’t have to do this but it was happening. He brought up my affair-yes I’m a mad hatter, and I hate it. I had to tell him that my A was not why we were divorcing he forgave me for that as I forgave him for his PA. We are getting a D because he felt the need to text a lady and talk to her sexually asking for pictures and telling her the best chairs to have sex in and offering to buy her stuff in exchange for photos. That he told a porn star that he would pay her for an overnight date and that he spent over $3000 at a strip club in just 2 visits.
He told me that what he did was not an affair. I told him it was, he then told me that legally it wasn’t because he never slept with anyone. I told him that it didn’t matter to ME what legally classified an A. I believe it was an affair and that is what mattered.
We went up stairs to check on the kids. When we went back down he started trying to talk to me about bills!? I mean fuc**ing really? I told him we just devastated our children I’d like to go to my room and cry and deal with everything. He tried to correct me and said YOU devastated the kids. I said no, we did. He said I didn’t ask for a D and looked at him and said every time you texted her you asked for a divorce. He wouldn't stop about the bills. Apparently I haven’t paid my bills for this part of the month. He took over all the financial stuff 7 years ago so I don’t know when anything is due or how it is paid. I asked him earlier In the month if the bills were auto drafted and he told me they were, now he’s telling me they aren’t. We also had some surprise bills come up. We agreed on me paying a set % of bills that commensurates with my income. He is telling me these aren’t "normal" bills therefore I have to pay 50%. I told him no and that the bills are in his name anyway so when they didn’t get paid it would be his credit ruined.
I repeated that I wanted to go to my room and process and cry. And he told me that was what was wrong with us I never wanted to communicate about anything.
I came to my room and he came about 30 minutes later he got called out to work tomorrow and will be gone through Monday. We agreed earlier this week to tell the kids tonight. So I gathered everyone and told them, well he just told me I was wrong in doing this because he wanted to discuss what we were going to tell them first. I told him I’m sorry but he could have told me before if he wanted to do that. Then he told me that it’s great that I told the kids tonight and now he’s called into work for two days and won’t even be here tomorrow or Monday, like it was my fault and I planned for this work trip to happen. Then he started in on the bills again. I told him I was not in an emotional state to even begin thinking about bills and would take care of things tomorrow. He told me that he could get a court order saying I have to pay 50% of the bills if was going to be a Nazi about only paying what we agreed on. I tried to ignore. He kept on. So I shut my eyes and refused to respond. He called me a hypocrite and left.
I. Am. Exhausted.
I hate my life right now
I hate my life decisions
I hate hurting my babies
I feel selfish
It’s so hard thinking that I could feel this way daily for the unforeseen future...I’m not sure I can handle feeling like this for a long period of time

ETA my husband and I did discuss how and what we would tell the kids in small conversations over the past month and a half. I even sent him a link to a website on how to tell your kids about divorce. It is not like I blind sided him here. He didn’t want to tell the kids ever and this was the third or fourth time he had agreed on a date to tell them that he was trying to sabotage.

When I told the kids we told them that we loved loved them. They did nothing wrong and did not cause this. We wanted their lives to stay as normal as possible they would stay at current school we would buy house nearby so they could still have sleepovers I mentioned our MC to them to let them know that I tried to work/save our marriage because I have a feeling that their Dad will tell them differently.

Turns out both kids overheard all his late night drunken phone calls telling people that I am crazy, alluded to me cheating ton him, how I never called or texted him when he was away,...basically blaming me for everything And taking no blame himself. My son asked me several questions this morning and when I answered them he said yeah that’s what I heard dad say. Some questions I would tell him no that’s not true like the phone calls/texting while dad was on trips and remind him how I talked to dad on the phone and texted him and how we made FaceTime calls to him while his dad was gone. It sucks telling him dad was untruthful about things, but I want to be honest and it’s hard to be honest about some of this while trying to not throw dad under the bus.

[This message edited by AsUWish at 5:09 PM, Sunday, March 28th]

Sorry I don't have an answer for you. You have been heard. Infidelity sucks.

For me, it took almost a year from being in separate households to realize I was happier than being with him.

AsUWish, so very sorry you are feeling like this, being only at the beginning of the process. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better now, but what I can tell you is that this overwhelming pain won’t last for ever.

Where there’s is infidelity on both sides, I think something breaks irretrievably and makes R a lot harder. He might say he’s forgiven you but secretly harbour resentment and want to get you back. Or he might just be an asshole with a penchant for strippers. Whatever it is, as you said, it’s how it makes you feel that matters. And asking you for money, especially in the context of him offering women large sums for their pictures...classy

So all in all, I think you are doing the right thing in D’ing him.

The only thing I tend to agree with, and please don’t take this the wrong way, is that it might have been better to discuss when, how and what to tell the kids beforehand. Talking MC or giving too much detail is, perhaps, not the best way to do it. It leaves the children with a lot more to process than a ‘we no longer love each other but we both love you and always will’. Having said that, it’s done now and one more reason for you to press on with divorce. One step at a time AUW. You’ll be fine and so will your children.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 12:26 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

I know how you feel. It will get better. My kids were devastated and they still are after 3 months but it is improving. Stay strong it will be ok in time

Karmafan I agree with what you said. I edited my original post above to explain in more detail what I told the kids and explain that situation better.
In no way did I tell them anything discussed in MC just that we went and tried to do the work to fix the marriage.

And as far as him getting back at me for my A I thought this was the case until I spoke to his 1st OW and found out that he was in the A with her 1 year after we were married. So If anything I should be resentful of him and his 14 year PA that overlapped with his EAthat led to me uncovering other facts that led to end of our marriage. I don’t think he ever forgave me for my A, and for that reason he is a hypocrite.

[This message edited by AsUWish at 5:19 PM, Sunday, March 28th]

(((AsUWish))) you will feel better in time. You are still early in the process and it’s brutal while still living together. It gets better after you leave not that there still won’t be ups and downs. It’s a different process than dealing with infidelity more like grieving what you thought your marriage and future was. My kids have already adapted 6 months post separation. It’s a much better situation for all of us even though my ExWS would disagree with me. I am a much better parent now without dealing with all the mess and fallout from everything.

AUW— Are separation agreements a thing where you are? I ‘m getting financial red flags here...

He took control of the finances and he’s offering to pay porn stars and you have no visibility to when things are due? Please take some time to understand your finances thoroughly.

KEep loving the kids, get them IC if they need it. A school counselor may be able to offer some guidance here.

Sorry you are where you are at, but it will get better.