SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I recently posted in a different forum here seeking advice on how to move forward. I got a lot of good responses, one of which recommended I seek out a psychiatrist and new therapist.

I know many are doing remote sessions these days, and searching online is pretty slim in my town. I'm interested in any recommendations anyone here may have for someone who helped you tremendously, especially anyone who was really effective in helping you find acceptance and growth with moving forward, and/or who specializes in grief/trauma/divorce/infidelity.

I'm almost 5yrs out and still struggling. Any recommendations would be appreciated! Thank you.

Helping Couples Heal podcast has a recent episode about what to look for in an IC. Not sure it's that helpful, but I always enjoy their talks.

IMHO, the focus should be someone with TRAUMA training and experience. Relational trauma is a bonus. I found that someone younger will have more recent education that can benefit trauma survivors (and many are more likely to accept insurance).

I saw a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) for awhile and she was great on the education pieces, but had a personality/disposition I found cold and distant (I continued to see my trauma IC - with zero infidelity experience/training while I saw the CSAT 1-2x a month).

And while most IC is online due to Covid, many can't/won't do out of state (it's a licensing issue)... doesn't mean impossible, but may limit choices / something to consider.

Another issue is that if you ultimately feel the need for a trauma based modality (eg EMDR, neurofeedback, etc.), that will have to be done in person, so while online may work in the short term, I'd want to pick someone that was relatively close in proximity for future treatment if needed (now, you can always switch, but that has it's own problems).

Have you read "the Body Keeps the Score" or "Cheating in a Nutshell" (tho it has a decidedly anti-R stance) ? Both of those books helped solidify/validate my trauma and related feelings and really helped me be a better driver of my own IC (on top of seeing that someone that 'specializes' in infidelity was really ancillary to the root issue, which is the trauma/PTSD).

I am using a therapist who focuses on Somatic education and transformational counseling. Helps with my trauma, but also with finding who I am and what I want for my future. Also breaking the patterns and habits and FOO that allowed me to accept the sub-standard treatment from my ex.

To be clear, she is not a MS or PhD but is highly trained. This many years out, she’s what I needed as opposed to closer to D-Day.

Throwawayabay

Dr. Jill Manning has a free digital download on her website called "Seven Characteristics to Look for in a Betrayal Trauma Therapist or Coach." I haven't read it, but she's an expert in the field so it might be worth a look.

The International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals has a pulldown menu on its website to search for therapists.

And depending on your situation, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists can also be a resource.

I went on an anti-depressant, and recently started brainspotting, both of which have really helped. EMDR is another option. The psychiatrist, the brainspotting therapist and my trauma therapist work is done online with experts who live about 50 miles from me.

Good luck

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 6:23 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

gmc94, that's good advice about needing to do trauma based modalities in-person. Also, I do think relational trauma makes sense, though I think I'm most struggling with feelings of depression and acceptance of something I don't want (even though my ex cheated, I wanted to reconcile and she never felt peace about doing so).

I have not read either of those books, though I have read many others. I will look into them both to see if they may be a good fit. Thanks.

Bearly, glad to hear you've found something that works for you with where you're at right now. That's so important, and it's good to recognize that what we need may change as time passes.

BlackRaven, I appreciate your advice and will look into IITAP and if there are any registered professionals in my city. I'm also looking into EMDR and considering seeing a psychiatrist to be evaluated for depression. Thank you.

My experience in getting an appointment with a psychiatrist has been that it is difficult. I am sure this depends, somewhat, on your medical insurance too.

But, you should probably go see a primary care physician first. First, your doctor can evaluate you for depression and refer you to a psychiatrist if your doctor feels like one is appropriate. Second, for something as simple as antidepressants, your primary care physician is probably all that you need.

Most doctors will prescribe some of the front-line antidepressants, like fluoxetine (Prozac) and sertraline (Zoloft). These drugs are pretty straight-forward and they are not habit-forming. If your situation is more complicated than these meds, then you probably should be seeing a psychiatrist.

My experience is that most psychiatrists have a months-long waiting list for new patients, so I suggest that you get to this sooner than later because the process is slow-moving.

As far as finding a therapist, I got lucky. I spent some time in a mental hospital where we did 4 hours of group therapy every day and I liked that. So, when I left the hospital, I found a therapy clinic that offered group therapy. At that point, I just got lucky and I found a therapist that I really like. I probably haven't needed her for therapy for 2 years, but I still see her for an hour each month just in case. My co-pay is low and it's super convenient now that it's online. I've told that I'll quit once we go back to in-person therapy.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 8:32 AM, March 8th (Monday)]

My experience with antidepressants wasn't as simple as barcher144

My primary care doc prescribed a couple (zoloft, wellbutrin, prozac) and I had bad side effects or didn't have much of a response.

I did get a Genomind analysis done, and it indicated which ones were supposed to be more effective, but again, I couldn't tolerate them.

My betrayal trauma therapist recommended a psychiatrist who was able to see me in a few weeks time. She reviewed what I'd been tried on and actually prescribed a very old antidepressant called Pristiq, which worked right away and had no side effects. She also prescribed a sleeping pill that she felt wouldn't cause further depression or addiction. (I've only needed it once).

I'm grateful for her wisdom cause I think this would be a lot harder without the meds.

I had similar experience to barcher WRT psychiatrists - tho I suspect a quicker appt is mire likely if you can afford out of pocket (which I’ve also done)

Also- The Body Keeps The Score speaks to trauma vs depression vs anxiety in a way that made sense for me and you may find helpful in your search