Thanks, Skeeter, I know you know all about what it feels like.
Lists of fears for me are hard to define, or incomplete. I only just started on my SSI in May, so without a detailed budget history - a rainy day project started months ago! - I can't predict how well I'd manage on my own...too many years with zero income has left me with a form of Stockholm Syndrome, and I am sure of that since every little bill I pay is triggering some small fear of 'soon running out of money to live on.' It isn't logical, but life can so often hit us with unexpected expenses....I lived above my means too many years and so did he. Just scary.
Maybe too, my survival fear comes from my unforgotten but ancient history of having lost the country home I designed and built with my 1st husband in 1981: after 3 years of my stupendous, unpaid labor, to drive away from that lovely home with only the clothes on my back, with all my furniture in a storage locker, ugh! But worse, it took me 7 years working full time before I felt established enough at a job to fly out, rent a big box truck and haul my old house full of stuff halfway across the country. With no help! (Men's jaws have dropped when I told them that story...one guy once said to me that he felt like he had "bb's" for balls, compared to me!)
But yes, it all left an impression...Like the Great Depression for our grandparents, we never really forget the feelings of homelessness - or for that matter, the fear we experienced having been booted out of the nest at age 18 by parental divorce/bankruptcy, as also happened with me.
But even money isn't the biggest bugaboo. The nightmares I've woken up from at 3 in the morning seem to be about being ALL ALONE, and then they come true as I lay there wide awake, realizing really, "who ya gonna call?" For me, there is n.o.b.o.d.y. if he isn't available, other than calling 911. (At my age, you start realizing the immediacy of the need for assistance, more than earlier in life, too.) Yet I read how others have gotten through this, so I think it's possibly just more fear talking to me. Seems worse at night, like we've all said. I am just grateful my old dog is snoring under the bed, and my younger dog is in her nearby crate asleep, because I need to let them keep their sleep schedules undisturbed, which means I won't let myself get up and roam about.
Today the farmer had his combine and tractor trailer parked right at my fence by the kitchen door. When we got back from town, my SAWH marched over to the fence, just to see how the huge green machine he recently calibrated is working that crop...oh yes, he also fixes all the farmer's machinery, for money the farmer gladly pays him. SAWH grew up on a farm, and knows how to fix everything mechanical. Those good old boys positively need him around; they all would freak out if he left. Me, they wouldn't miss much, I know! I wonder if that community reality, for the place I call home, isn't part of what keeps me soooo frozen with regards to him....
Dee, you said a mouthful:
I think it's easier if you leave while you're still riding that anger high and well before fucked up becomes normal
[This message edited by Superesse at 3:36 PM, October 15th (Thursday)]