SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for your support Skeeter. You know I told my WH many times before he passed that his cheating would destroy my relationship with his family. My only family is my brother who lives in the USA...we are close but not in distance. His family was my family. My SIL was a huge supporter of me throughout his sickness and the infidelity. She was always on my side...she still loved my WH but could support me. It saddens me that I may have lost that relationship.

Having said that...I live as an open book, it’s just who I am. I tell it straight and honest. And you are likely right, for me to move on and heal, I have to move on from his family. Keep them in my kids lives but not so much in mine.

[This message edited by Throwaway999 at 10:13 PM, February 24th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

Well gals. I stuck with my no and asked some well placed questions. lots of red flags answers.

He is blocked. I knew I should do this but I guess I need affirmation more than I realized.

I learned some things.

I can still be suckered, even though I am wiser. I felt the pull and I was shocked. Never mind the computer. He was a sly manipulator.

And. Need to self affirm.

And i am certain that there were plenty of lies. I don’t think he is who he says he is. I am a good researcher, and frankly his comments are too aligned with google results.

Onwards.....

Good for you Tallgirl! I am not ready to put myself out there but it’s good to know even especially after what we have been through it’s easy to “feel that pull” wanting to believe people are good...even though we know some are not

Having said that...I love as an open book, it’s just who I am. I tell it straight and honest. And you are likely right, for me to move on and heal, I have to move on from his family. Keep them in my kids lives but not so much in mine.

I've found with any major relationship ending, I lose people - whether they be in laws or friends. Some folks take sides, some are freaked out by D and fear it's contagious, etc. It's not just the person. I suspect even with a death this happens and combined with infidelity - of course.

My son's father's family was a great support to me - my son has special needs and his dad was in denial. My MIL was fantastic but she dropped me like a hot rock after the divorce. She saw with her own eyes her son's abusive behavior and was supportive in those times but even so, he was her son and she had to cut me off. My son still spends time with her and the rest of the family. I'm over the loss now as it's been many years. I kind of feel like if you would cut me off for your son's sins then you aren't my people anyway.

It never ceases to amaze me how much in denial my MIL is about WH’s abuse of me. (WH is an only child). Mil is desperate for us to reconcile as in her mind that would negate all the horrible things her son has done to me and our family. She’s also desperate for me to rekindle a civil relationship with her. I refuse to see her or speak with her. WH is still very ill. His treatment hasn’t worked despite him feeling better. He starts a new course of treatment tomorrow.

I hope this awful experience of betrayal, abuse, infidelity will at very least teach me to be a better MIL. My sons are adamant that they are not like their father.

My eldest son said that he wouldn’t even expect me to be supportive of him, if he was an abusive adulterer. He supports me in my decision to sever ties with those who have hurt me.

Glad you cast that filth off Tallgirl!

LadyG

Be careful. Ask your sons not to make those promises.

WH’s youngest brother promised the same after 1996 DDay,

He was courting his soon to be wife

Then he too cheated.

Be careful. Ask your sons not to make those promises.

I haven’t actually asked my sons to promise me anything. They need to make these promises to future partners.

As for MIL... she was aware of the affairs and never spoke about it to her son. Even when he confessed the last exit affair, she stayed quiet. Never looked me in the eye when she spoke. But never once told her son that being an abusive adulterer was wrong. Mil was ok with it.

I will never be ok with it. My sons have seen the damage. They love their father, but...

As for MIL... she was aware of the affairs and never spoke about it to her son. Even when he confessed the last exit affair, she stayed quiet. Never looked me in the eye when she spoke. But never once told her son that being an abusive adulterer was wrong. Mil was ok with it.

I have thought long and hard about this. As a Mom, I believe if I was in the position where I knew one of my kids had done this to their spouse...I have no doubt I would have a conversation with them and tell them that I would always love them no matter what, but what they did was not acceptable. Urge them to seek help and own up to their behaviour and choices. In my opinion, silence makes them condone the actions, abuse and behaviour.

After all this it became very clear to me...they are not my family...they are his family and I am the outsider. I have seen them cut other blood relatives out of their lives after someone made a comment they didn’t like.

And after 25 years of being in their lives...I stupidity expected more from my MIL. Lesson learned.

Both of my kids know they better not cheat!

They have glimpses of the sheer Hell it puts me through

Both of my kids have seen the hell WH's cheating has put me through.... and the hell of seeing their dad in the hospital after his suicide attempt.

And yet

since my DD knew about WH's LTA (which she figured out on her own), she's cheated on at least TWO of her partners (one a long term, live-in, situation, whom she cheated on at least 2x that I know of). I still love my DD, but no amount of telling her how "unacceptable" it is matters one effing bit.

We see WS on SI ALL THE TIME talk about how one (or both) of their parents were cheaters.... and yet, here they are, all butt hurt bc they turned out to follow in their parent(s) footsteps.

I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Our kids are (or will be) adults who have to figure it out for themselves. If my kids cheat, I COMPLETELY support their partner's decision to leave. I'm still in touch with DD's long term XBF. He's a good egg and he didn't deserve to be treated the way my own offspring treated him. If he called me tomorrow for any kind of help, I'd give it to him as if he were my own. Doesn't mean I don't love my DD.... does mean I can still love her AND support the folks she's harmed and whom I also love.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 8:24 AM, February 25th, 2021 (Thursday)]

I could write pages about my MIL, what a broken woman. I always marveled that she could make such an awesome man, but now I see the ripples of her in his choices and actions.

For those who are hurt buy their in-law's cruelty, I am sorry. I like to think we would all do better in similar situations. But people are really messy and complicated. Good riddance in many cases, but what a shame to not get the validation or support that could have been offered.

Both my kids got my moral compass and empathy and they have both already had their young hearts broken badly. For this and many other reasons (my therapists voice saying you can always tell but you can never untell...and what's wrong with letting them have the possibility of the fairy tale relationship they think we have...) I have chosen not to tell them why their mom has been a hot mess. I just can't damage the fragile relationship they have with their workaholic father. I think it's more important that I protect them from the truth for now, as they are both in pretty isolated and anxious stages in their lives.

It's probably best i don't tell them because they would want to take care of me and comfort me and that is the worst thing i can imagine, my kids feeling the need to mother their mother the way i felt the need to help my own. Everything is do damn complicated.

We talk a lot about cheating in relationships in the abstract and for both of them the line is firm, people who cheat suck. They already know their Dad is an emotionally distant difficult man, but they believe him to be loving and incapable of hurting me and I guess i can let that illusion stand for now, for their sake. If they ever find out, it will be me making him tell them who he is, not me.

This is the part of infidelity that is the most painful. What it does to our kids.

My boys know. 2.5 yrs after they learned about the A their relationship with dad still suffers. Worst of all, they are afraid of being cheaters.... their dad was, their grandfather was and who knows who else.

They don’t want to be like their dad but are terrified they are.

Even with all the talk about making your own mistakes, own choices, they worry.

It is hard for them to realize they are who they chose to be.

As for MIL. Phish. Mine blames me. Haven’t talked to her in ages because of that. She is now 90 and will never nor never has changed her spots. Her cheater son who wanted to marry a prostitute was drive n to it by the loyal wife he ignored and treated badly.

I guess reality and honesty is hard to live with.

For those of you who have shitty MIL. I wish you your favourite wine and to drink deeply.

Tallgirl, My MIL is unbeliIevably shitty, and would probably blame me if she knew too. She called me her or she for years as if she didn't know or wish to say my name. I deal with her with pure pity. She is a mean, miserable woman who lives a lonely miserable life of her choosing. And she lives far, far away, so that helps a little.

Our poor kids, how they worry so much at such young ages now. About everything. Anxiety rules the day. It breaks my heart. They got gypped by covid and the economy. They have not yet been disappointed by our infidelity yet. I don't have the heart for that disclosure now. I feel like I have to love them harder as they struggle to find their toe hold out in the world.

Your wish for me came true, my wine and sunset are spot on. Wish you the same. Cheers!

Our kids...the collateral damage. The damage that our WH’s never once considered. It’s perhaps one of the areas that leave me with the most anger towards him. He told me during the years and years of cheating, he just didn’t care about me or the kids.

My kids found out about the one LTA early on...as I have mentioned before it’s hit my eldest son the hardest...maybe because at the time they found out, he had been in a long term relationship with a wonderful girl. The cheating made him worry he was going to turn out like his dad...make bad choices and hurt the ones he loved. He broke up with his GF because of it. And the spiral continued...we ended up at the ER because of it. We spent the day seeing mental health specialists. Came home and my WH said nothing...didn’t ask me or him how he was. Nothing.

It’s got worst...my son is in therapy for harm ocd...brought on by his dad’s infidelity and cancer. Last year was not good...frankly I don’t know how I survived it. Good news my son is in therapy and is about 80% better. But now his therapist just got diagnosed with cancer himself. Hopefully he will be able to continue to practice.

Having peace in our house now helps tremendously...it’s night and day from last year.

Apart from the infidelity, my kids saw and did things to care for their dad that no teenager or any child should see or do. I tried to shield them but when a full grown man falls down and is dead weight...I couldn’t pick him up alone. Once when I had stepped out of the house briefly he fell in the washroom, my middle son had to help...it was traumatizing for him. In the last days...when he laid struggling for breath it became a 24 hour vigil...with me and the kids at his bedside. Those last few days...thinking about them makes me cry...not so much for my WH but for what my kids endured. That part of the cancer breaks my heart.

Sorry for the emotional dump...I just can’t fathom not caring enough about your family to cheat...it destroys your own family and if the AP is married with their own kids...it destroys that family also. The selfishness is astounding to me.

Oh, Throwaway, such sadness, it just is amazing what you are able to survive, isn't it? You and your kids have been through so much. I hope they lean on each other. Mine have found a rocky path to each other but now I'm so happy to see them as true friends, getting together to cook dinner on a Friday night...

My WH's initial explanation for his A is that I took control of parenting decisions leaving him an outsider in our marriage. Truth from my angle is my nervous, sensitive and insecure teens needed shielding from their father's cold parenting style. They each lost friends to suicide in HS and college so I've always been hyper aware of their emotional health. I always treated them like individuals and the miracles they are, as I struggled with infertility and miscarriage to have them. But as my WH became stressed, short, harsh and often mean during those hard teen and college years, they always believed we loved them and their parents loved each other. My WH held our son to such a high standard, and he is the one who struggled so much more than the golden child, DD, who has been so high maintenance child but has succeeded at anything she touched.... I am so afraid if my son knew how far his father had fallen while holding us all to such high standards - I think the hypocrisy would shatter the awkward relationship I've worked to help them forge. I've always called our son Captain America because he has such a strong moral code and suffers no fools. He might not ever forgive, or use this as the excuse to give up on a relationship with his father. They share many stubborn traits, but my son got my open eyes and heart, and the world is hard for him. They just don't really get each other, but they try, maybe because they know how important our little family is to me and to all of us really. I think the truth would break my DD's heart too.

I am so sorry for what your family has had to endure, and yet in awe of the strength you've shown in dealing with it. For your children to deal with mortality and death and pandemic in what should be the happiest times of their lives is cruel. I hope they know how hard you've loved them through this and you all lean on each other. And I'm sure they will have empathy and wisdom beyond their years from the experience. Nothing opens our hearts like sorrow and loss.

The best part about this site is that it is a safe outlet for the saying the things that need to be shared and heard. Hugs to you and your sweet children.

My WH's initial explanation for his A is that I took control of parenting decisions leaving him an outsider in our marriage

I got that excuse also...but in the form that I was the reason he was not close to his kids. That I sabotaged him. Eye roll....excuse me for talking and listening to my kids their entire lives. You get what you put into relationships. And I cherish my kids and our closeness.

Funny, you open my drawers in my bedroom...you will find all the little notes, crafts and artwork my kids made me as they grew up. My drawers are stuffed full of their lives. After he passed, the kids were looking for any little memento or “piece” of him....his drawers had nothing...empty. Oh but he did keep the receipt of a gift his bought his AP was back from years ago.

Early on I had a post of all the stupid blame he gave me. Stupid shit he said to me. Man that list is long. Back then, I internalized it. Now my eyes are open...the affair had nothing to with me. And straight out of the handbook, he had re-written our marriage, relationship and my personality. I was even asking my friends and family if was this horrible person yet unaware of it. He made me question myself and who I was as a person and wife.

I bet if we all pooled our WH’s “excuses”...we could write a book. Lol

So I know I've never participated in this thread. I just wanted to jump in here in case I get ejected from the forums. If I do, it will have been worth it.

Sorry I had to delete the cheesecake recipe. Apparently, toxic BS and rampant misogyny are hunky dory. Recipes, not so much.

You are all rock stars and goddesses and everything will be okay one day if it's not today.

HFSSC: Indeed - goddesses of every type and shape and lactose or gluten tolerance welcome up in here!

Wise words for sure - the women here will indeed be ok. And more than ok I suspect - they are mighty, sparkly and glorious. (And a bit bawdy of course, which only adds to the above.)

Good mojo sent to all today.

First, welcome HFSSC, glad to have you!

Second, I would like that recipe.

3rd, holy majoly! I had read a couple pages of the original, but that thing has veered into something else. Honestly, I hate the AP with a passion. Like would not feel a thing if I found out she died (and I am the type to cry over stranger's obituaries in the paper). But if I heard her BH treated her in such a way, I would feel awful for her. No one deserves such contempt.

Tallgirl - Good call on blocking computer guy. I think you dodged a bullet there.

Throwaway - Sorry about your ILs. They can't handle the truth, which is their prerogative. Their love and support was conditional. That sucks, but you know and can feel good about how you have handled yourself.