I wish I'd been gone because things are good. I've really been gone because life seems overwhelmingly crappy most of the time!
I read a few pages back and just wanted to touch on a few things...
((ELLIE)) - So glad that Revvie seems to be better. Sorry about your knee! I'd be screwed if I lived somewhere I needed to shovel snow. Hate the cold, hate being all wrapped up if I have to be outside, I think I'd just take it as a sign to become a full on recluse. Hope your knee feels better soon.
((TA99)) - Regarding the truth. I know it's hard, to think you will never know. But I agree with the idea that you can just assume the worst. I do. It won't change anything at this point to learn more. Your path forward is all up to you, and honestly, you are in a unique position that you no longer are faced with deciding what to say or if you should stay. You are not keeping his secrets to his family or your kids. You are as free as you possibly can be. Don't let HIS shitty character bring down the idea of you living the rest of your life in a joyful and peace-filled way. It sucks massively to be in the dark, but it will never change. And one thing about this shitshow of infidelity that is true across the board - we cannot change the past and HAVE to accept that it's our reality. (Easier said than done!)
20Years and BentandBroken - I did the same thing last year. I just assumed there would be a PM with info, so didn't go back to the thread. So this year I put a reminder on my phone to check back for the address. They had it up by Halloween I believe, so ample time. I wouldn't feel guilty though, every one of us understands the trauma brain screws with things like this. Plus, some of us (me!!) were never good at remembering shit in the first place.
Had an interesting moment last night. WH and I are bingeing The Good Place right now. Lots of interesting conversations about good things and consequences have come out of it. Anyways, I won't spoil it in case you haven't watched and want to, but something in the show happened that made me rethink the idea that I would definitely want to erase my life and start over pre-marriage. I really don't. My life and experiences were MINE. And they were authentic on my end. My kids, my parenting, my hopes, my joy. All MINE and I'll be damned if I let my dumb ass husband's awful choices and immorality take MY life away.
Anyways, just a thought because every moment for the past almost 4 years, I have wished that I could forget the past 24 years of my life with my H. Not sure whether I'm successfully detaching or healing, but it's nice to start to have fond memories again.
Hope all of you ladies are having a great Tuesday.
Oh, and also, I wanted to recommend two things.
1. I'm a Christian (as in I love me some Jesus and believe in a God), but not religious (as in I understand why people have left churches in droves but am hanging on to church community myself.). If you haven't heard of her Lysa TerKeurst is a Christian author and she just released a book called Forgiving What You Cant Forget. (Her H cheated and they almost divorced but have reconciled.) It's got some good parts to it - even if you aren't Christian and some concrete ideas about letting go of the pain (even if you don't/can't reconcile) (And if you are religious, there is a free bible study using the book that starts next week on her company's website.)
2. WH and I are still working through Courageous Love. I finally (after months and two iterations) finished my impact letter last week.(He had to first start the process with a disclosure, then I wrote my letter). Yesterday, he wrote me a restitution letter (basically acknowledging each part of my impact letter). It was a really good exercise for each of us and oddly gave me a comfort and peace that hasn't come in the conversations and interactions and apologies of the last 18 months since true disclosure. If any of y'all are reconciling, it's a good step-by-step program so far. (Supposed to be done with therapists but I cannot find good ones locally so we are doing on our own.) Next up is triggers and mind movies - yay!
[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:14 PM, January 12th (Tuesday)]