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Just an update. Feeling sad about this but I think for my own emotional health I need to distance from my SO. I care for him deeply, but his emotional remoteness wreaks havoc on my heart. We have been dating for almost two years. He got me through my divorce, cared for me after a horrible fire, gets along well with DD. He's a great friend.

Here's the bad. He's emotionally unavailable. We hardly ever have sex. When we do, it's pretty mediocre. Not to be too graphic here but he has equipment problems like most men his age (he's in his early sixties) but he also fails to entertain other options for intimacy. I have tried to talk to him about it. He acknowledges there's problem but doesn't do anything beyond that. He rarely kisses me and sometimes I have to just ask him for a hug.

His attention is always elsewhere. There have been times when I come over for dinner and he keeps cleaning his kitchen or mopping his floor, as if I am not there. I guess I would describe him as self-directed. If he came over I would drop everything and light candles,ask how his day went. Instead he describes how proud he is that he's cleaning his bathroom and goes into details about the different household tasks he peformed that day.

He's older, retired, lives very much alone on a rural property. His solitary living situation has made him very self directed and guarded about expressing love -- when I once told him I loved him he said thank you.

Also, the kicker was during our birthdays, which are several days apart. I took him to a very nice restaurant and gave him a picture of us I had framed. He gave me two cards, one of which referenced flowers he got me that never materialized. He meant to get them, just never got around to it. I told him how hurt I was and while he acknowledged it he never did anything about it.

Then this pandemic: I have been working 12 hour days because I work in a health care related field. I am exhausted. I came over to his house the other night and brought some steaks to cook. While was making a salad his phone kept pinging with texts that he keep reading and laughing at. He would do this while I was talking to him. He explained that he was on a texting thread with his buddies. When I protested he said, "Get used to it" or words to that effect. Then I realized that I was being triggered by all the times my XWH was texting his girlfriend while I would be trying to make dinner for us in our family home years ago. That memory still can bring me to my knees.. how awful and violating that felt.

So last night SO called and I didn't pick up. Instead I texted back to say that I was exhausted emotionally and physically from my worrk and needed some space to take care of my mental health.

I miss him, miss the possibility of what I thought we could be in the furture when DD graduated. But in reading over my journal of the last two years, every time I left his place the morning after I felt heavy with grief -- grief about my marriage, the betrayal, and a very shortlived passionate relationship that happened with someone else after I separated and that too abruptly ended. Most of all I feel grief about having nothing to run toward now -- the pandemic makes things all the more worse because one can't really plan, or even go out and be with friends to get over it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Distance or break up? He doesn't sound like a very good boyfriend/SO. From your description, he doesn't even sound like a very goos friend. Plus you rarely have sex and when you do it's mediocre? Life is short. Don't settle for this guy.

He sounds like he is on the spectrum. Often they don’t need affection.

I watched a show once about people with Asperger’s syndrome and although it was fascinating I saw it was very difficult for people who lived with them. One man admitted that he had no need or desire for love and affection and much preferred work and alone time. Another, a woman, who although married and had a child much preferred her own company. Sometimes with the best hope in the world you just have to give up and move on.

Hey Fable.

You’ve told him what you need, you’ve shared your concerns. And he is not listening nor trying to find a way to work with you. He doesn’t sound like a good BF or SO. And maybe you are at a different place as well— where what he offered was enough before, it isn’t enough now.

Take the time, sort out if you want him or someone.

You deserve to feel like you are walking on air after being with someone.

(((Hugs)))

What you described sounds dreadful.

He is not a good friend....never mind the boyfriend part.

Sometimes it takes awhile to realize a person is just not a good fit, and you have been trying to realize this for awhile because you wrote

every time I left his place the morning after I felt heavy with grief -

miss the possibility of what I thought we could be in the furture when DD graduated.

Give up the hopium. You are staying with him because you think he has potential. He doesn't even have that. He is who he is, and at this point in his life he is not going to change.

Do not devote your life to him for "potential and possibility".

Go out and find yourself someone who IS the man you need him to be. Not who MIGHT be that man someday in the future...maybe...hopefully... The clock is ticking and your life is passing you by with this guy.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 6:07 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

I agree--he's not a "work in progress," he's a drain on you emotionally and he seems to be very single-minded and not really great relationship material.

Set yourself free to find someone who is on a more equal emotional level with you.

Cat

Broken attracts broken. You are likely in the process of healing and getting out of your brokenness. Based on your comments it seems he is obliviously stuck where he is. I have an exGF for this exact reason. Life is better alone then being stuck with someone who is not on the same life path you are.

He acknowledges there's problem but doesn't do anything beyond that.

His attention is always elsewhere.

...as if I am not there.

I once told him I loved him he said thank you.

one of which referenced flowers he got me that never materialized. He meant to get them, just never got around to it.

I told him how hurt I was and while he acknowledged it he never did anything about it.

his phone kept pinging with texts that he keep reading and laughing at. He would do this while I was talking to him.

he said, "Get used to it" or words to that effect.

Awe FableG - I am so sorry. You need to really look at what his actions are showing you (over and over again) vs what you wish it could be. If this guy isn't knocking your socks off the this early in your life together, it is not going to get any better.

I guess I would describe him as self-directed.

You are making excuses for him.

I miss him, miss the possibility of what I thought we could be in the future

You deserve so much more of a NB!!! Gurl - the man is RETIRED. You are working 12 hour days. My guy would be over my house taking care of all my chores for me, making sure I had a hot dinner when I got home and anything else he could think of doing!!! THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE. Not you going to his house after all that work, you bringing the steaks and then you having to plead for his attention because his boys have a group chat going?

I am with ibonnie, this needs to be more than just distancing yourself from him. I think it will be once you accept that this just isn't working for you and you deserve way better.

I am so sorry! Breakups just suck!

Fable, I just went back and reread my comment. I notice it came across as abrupt and harsh. My sentiments are the same, but EvenKeel broke it down beautifully and said it soooo much better than I did.

Read her comment again and again.

Breakups do indeed suck. I'm so sorry!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:10 AM, April 27th (Monday)]

I can't thank everyone enough for their comments and support. This is a very isolating time for all of us and I am so appreciative for everyone's wisdom and support.'

I just need to ask and know what value he brings into your life? At best he sounds like a casual acquaintance, certainly not a meaningful friendship, much less anything intimate or romantic.

Cabrona His value was that we get along, I enjoy his sense of humor and we have done some fun things together. We have the same values and I trust him. He steered me through some rough times and I owe him a debt of gratitude. For instance, DD and I experienced a fire on our property in which I badly burned my hands trying to save some farm animals caught in the blaze. He got me at the hospital and helped clean the burns and bandage my hands, helped me recover. He is great at acts of service, not so great with intimacy and I think it's correct he might be on the spectrum a bit.

Have you read up on love languages? I think at least one or two of our top love languages should be in our SOs top three. If how I naturally show love is not noticed that creates a lot of relationship issues. I can work on improving my expression of love, but my natural expression of love needs to be recognized.

I'll also comment it seems like BWs or maybe it's women in general spend a lot of time putting us men in boxes with labels on them. I never knew there were as many narcissistic, sex-addicted on the spectrum men until I came here.

During my attempted R I commented I have a few traits that match Asperger’s. She weaponized this as I have Asperger's and used her new found label as a tool for manipulation and abuse. of course I could have called her a lying, cheating, BPD which are all more true than me having Asperger's, but why?

Life is never as simple as the labels we put on things!

Maybe he was the relationship you needed at the time. We almost need to believe that we are attractive again after what our ex's did to us with their affairs.

But that being said, I am of the mindset that if the relationship is not easy and enjoyable (even the disagreements) Then why go through that again.

If your not enjoying the relationship then stop forcing it. Time to move on and learn that there is more to life.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 2:42 PM, April 27th (Monday)]

I'm sorry, but I agree with the others in that he's most likely set in his ways and not going to change, not even for you. I understand the sex issue, but it seems he isn't looking out for your satisfaction, just his own. Ignoring you while on a group text isn't ok. xWH didn't do that to me, but as a girlfriend you deserve his attention. Responding to a text here and there is one thing, but actively staying in a group text is not ok.

when I once told him I loved him he said thank you.

This hurts my heart. You deserve to be loved, and this man just isn't doing what you need anymore. After two years, you know who he is. This is it. It's up to you to decide if you want to settle, or if you want to be open to something wonderful. I'm sorry; I've been with SO for almost 9 years and don't know how I'd move on either but I know that I won't settle for anything less than I deserve. Hugs

I wouldn’t write him off necessarily. Take some time apart. You deserve the time to focus on yourself right now especially given the enormous stress of working during the pandemic in the field you do. Be good to yourself and keep in touch with him from time to time through the phone. He will have the opportunity to miss the value you bring to his life. After some time apart, he may realize what he is missing or you may realize what you don’t miss.

I see you work tons of hours right now. If you have time to read a really funny and enlightening book- it’s title is “Why Men Love Bitches” the title is just to get your attention, but the book really shows how when we become so nice, the guy sometimes kinda sits back and doesn’t really try any more.

As I was reading your post, it all sounded so familiar of my friend and her husband’s marriage. She’s now been married for 20 years and for the last 17 has been trying to pull the good guy he was during years 1 and 2 back. She’s really lonely and can’t get thru to him, even after 2 different marriage counselors.! Some people are good people, but if they aren’t really meeting our needs, sometimes we have to move on...

Just re-read your post... my friend’s husband was also waiting for the kids to grow up! But not to spend more time with her- but to get more into himself! Their kids are now grown and gone. Everyday he tunes her out and basically just does whatever he is interested in. It’s really driving her crazy bc now she sees she could have gotten someone else more “engaging” years ago.

(((Fablegirl))).

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:08 AM, April 28th (Tuesday)]

Sounds like he would have made a better friend than boyfriend.