ThisIsSoLonely - good key - yes it is...
I am tweaking at a few things you said.
- he is not good at talking about this. - He needs to. Flat out. He did this, if he doesn't understand how you feel, or how you react, and where are you today (I know for me it is different every day for me) how can he work to be safe for you. He needs to ask, verify, reverify, change approaches.
- he is caught up in how he feels. My first reaction is who the fuck cares because he did this. The more reasonable reaction is - yes you have feelings, but go talk to the IC. it is NOT NOT NOT just about him. An IC can help him deal with this. His primary job is to be safe for you and make the M work if you are both working to R.
- shame and anger - they have a place, but he has to get to a point of moving to become a person who doesn't have shame and anger, and being safe with himself - but again, this is not just about him - he needs IC. And there are ton of podcasts on shame and anger. Check out Renee Brene's Ted talks - she has a tonne of books too. Her site has one on trust - very good. listened to them on the weekend.
- I'm never sure what is coming next. If this is not a positive statement which I'm thinking it is not. you shouldn't have to "sweat" what today is bringing. He had the affair. He has to help you feel safe, he has to do the work EVERY DAY. He has to own and fix is own shit. This is not your problem. I'd watch this, if this continues you are not in R and it is time to rethink.
- building new memories to replace old ones. My husband says this to me all the time. and frankly it upsets me. I see what you mean. So let me put my view out there. The old memories and the hurt and the pain are part of you, and you are changed already. replacing the old with the new is kinda rug sweeping. You have to put the old memories intheir place - I guess be either acceptance or forgiveness, call it what you prefer. You can't replace them. You can add new memories that are good, and you can enjoy them - you should. but the old ones don't go away.
It's funny, I just had an IC session and your post touched on much of what we talked about.
Please remember, you are the betrayed. Your husband needs to own his shit and drive the work. I am glad he is getting there but it has to come out and you have to talk about it.
My counsellor called me out - my husband was looking at me the other day, I could tell he was trying to connect to me. I was just looking at him, thinking you are cheating bastard. the counsellor asked me why I didn't tell him. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, and I may have cried. What I did was rug sweep the moment and move on - I lost an opportunity to deal with the pain.
So, in a way she has told us both - you have a moment of pain - talk about it, put it out there and work through it. I imagine it will come back on me later.
She also told me a bunch of other stuff, and wow, Still reeling. But this post is about you, so I hope that this at least gives you another perspective to digest.
From another - yes, totally agree, this is so lonely.
[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:37 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]