SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

*To anyone reading this note: It is taking all of the courage in me to finally get into words with this group what the initial betrayal of my ex-partner was, and if you have religious objections, I want you to please, PLEASE not read any further. I am still trying to heal this huge betrayalall these years later, on top of the cheating, and I just can't handle any more hate thrown my way.*

I am writing this to officially tell you goodbye. I know I did that almost 3 months ago, but I have so much more to say now that I have processed exactly what you did to me.

You know, I have dated men in the past who have been full of themselves, but I never knew the face of the true narcissist, the monster, until I met you. I could never have believed it, you seemed to adore me, you were shy and introverted, you made me believe you wanted to marry me, and have children with me. You made me believe you could accept everything about me, but it was all a LIE!

I was 42 when we met, and I never thought I would actually meet someone, get married, and have children. I was so surprised and happy to find out I was pregnant six months later. You had other ideas in mind, your reaction was despicable, telling me to "get rid of it,",you didn't think you loved me enough, that you talked about it with your friends, and they agreed you weren't in a position financially to support a child(you POS, in your true narc fashion, you made it all about YOU!).

When it was clear to me you then disappeared off the face of the earth, I made the most difficult decision of my life to end the pregnancy. I couldn't justify bringing a child into the world under these circumstances. I was in agony for the two weeks you stayed away, but you suckered me right back in with your "sweet, convincing" words, how you stayed away because you were "ashamed" of what you did, and were "scared" to reach out to me.

How we lasted another 10 years I can't even fathom. I look back now and realize the mind*uckery you subjected me to, convincing me of your "love" for me, when it is clear to me now the only person you can ever love is yourself. Ten years of my life giving to a waste of space person, a liar and a cheater, who stole my dreams of marriage and children.

Finding out you had a secret relationship behind my back for six months is all it took to finally break that trauma bond for good.

But I am stronger than you will ever know and you didn't break me for good. It is now too late for me to have children of my own, but I will eventually find my soulmate. I know, because if I, a kind, highly empathic person with everything to give, exist, then so does he.

You will find many, many others, but you will never know true soul connection like I will. And that is the saddest part.

Goodbye forever, and I really mean it when I say: good riddance to bad rubbish.

I want to tell you that I hate you but I love you.

I want to tell you that I want the divorce but I want our marriage.

I want to tell you that I will be better of without you but I miss you.

I want to tell you to leave the other woman but it's not my call.

I want to tell you that I understand but I don't.

I want to tell you to come home but I won't.

[This message edited by Helena67 at 3:01 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

You say you felt like I thought less of you because you earned less money, but now that we are drafting the split of our assets, you aren’t valuing ME. You have no concept or appreciation for the effort required to provide our life administration. I managed the finances, the household chores and repairs, our healthcare… the tedious but necessary life stuff. Now, as I propose a 60/40 split of the sale of our rental property, you have the nerve to use that as an example of how I didn’t value your financial contributions. The extra 10% I’m advocating for is to compensate for my TIME and honestly, the mental stress of managing tenants (which you tried one time and gave up because she was unreasonable’). As I explained my thought process, you tell me that I chose todo that and we could have hired a property manager. Yes, yes we could have… and that costs money. So you deserve the fruits of my labor? I stopped asking for your help a long time ago. The least you could do is acknowledge that I’ve more than put in my time. I can’t wait for you to feel the effects of leaving once you can appreciate how much work I did to keep things running. Good luck with your penniless savings account since you have never lifted a finger for the future. Go back to your paycheck to paycheck lifestyle and try to continue lying to yourself that we were ever equals

Also, I am sick and tired of everyone responding with "at least you don't have kids!"

As if this is ever easy.

In fact, I feel like an even bigger fool for ever thinking a man-child could grow up without something to anchor him. I was never your ball and chain but damn, it might have done you some good.

What was I even staying for?

Just stop lying. It really is that simple.

I went through my Facebook today and started making all the photos and posts of you private, so no one else could see them. Every time I saw some post of mine pouring love and support onto you, every time I saw a sweet post I made of daddy and daughter, I hated you a little more. Hated you for for taking my pure, true, honest love-- taking it and taking it and taking it and taking it and never loving me back. Never respecting me. Never committing to me. Never seeing me as your equal. Not once, not from Day One. It's not that you didn't deserve my love. It's that you knew you didn't, and you took it anyway. And now that I'm leaving... You know what, he reads here. Or he very occasionally has. And he doesn't deserve to read this. He's a vampire and I've been sucked dry.

I hate that I still get nightmares about you. That you even come into my thought process at all. You were the worst decision I ever made in my life and I hate you. At least my dreams reflect the way I feel about you too! I can't wait for this divorce to be over and I hope you get royally fucked in it for trying to get one over on me with your manipulative lying ass.

My boyfriend is a breath of fresh air. 2 years together and we have not had one fight and he has not made me feel uncomfortable or given any red flags. He's not a womanizer like you were calling every female co-worker "baby" that should have been my first sign to run. I was so stupid back then. I hope knowing that I've moved on and am happier without you keeps you up at night.

Omg, you are infuriating! You take off for a week without even asking if I have plans that would require someone to be with our DD. It was my vacation week and I spent it cleaning and getting rid of stuff in this house so it can be sold. But you are mad because I didn't take her to see MIL this week. You said you have avoided my family for years because you didn't want to pretend regarding our relationship. How do you think I would feel taking her up there after the past three weeks? I told you to ask her to go tomorrow but if it isn't on your schedule then it isn't good enough.
And to say that I don't enquire about her mental health...you have no idea what I talk to her about. You are in bed sleeping most of the time. And what about you? Are you mute? (Obvs not because you chirp constantly.) Once again, you put everything onto me and take no responsibility yourself.
You say ignoring something won't make it go away, but I am willing to try ignoring you and hope you do!

I sent her a text yesterday, despite being no contact since I filed. She has ambushed me once in-between, but I've stayed zero initiated contact. Not sure it was a mistake to make this last contact. My STBEW neglected me for years, cheated on me all those years, took me into drip feed hell with no remorse and constant lies for the false reconciliation, and now is coming in asking for every financial benefit the courts will grant. I've been depressed because I hadn't accepted that I'd lost. I was taken advantage of by a cheating spouse, 18 total years together in a lie of a life, and now I will pay her for the privilege of getting to take care of her while she cheated and abused me. No way around it, I'm on the loser side. Though I was depressed about this last night, that depression has been replaced by a resolve to get to the finish line. She is too selfish to persuade, she has no empathy, and despite the fact I raised her children, she never shows mercy to those that have slighted her. Nevertheless, I sent her a conciliatory text breaking my no-contact. I didn't actually capitulate on anything the court would not force me to do, I just acted like it was a pleasure to be doing all she asked and gave her the "both of us". Both of us calms her down and pretending to serve her also calms her down. I believe she is a narcissist, maybe most cheating spouses are on some sort of spectrum.
I was looking at this list.
- Risky behaviors; Would condomless AshleyMadisn be considered risky? 100%)
- Addictive personalities (no) I think she loves the kibbles of new male sexual attention, although she did seem enjoy the emotional affairs as well.
- Prone to becoming aggressive if and when they are rejected by others (100%)
- Often either very happy or very upset without much of a middle ground, which leads others to think they are unstable
Self-centered or self-absorbed (100%) No female friends do to this self-absorption and self centeredness
- Never admitting fault (never 100%)
- Pettiness and inability to see the bigger picture (100%) although much of this is DARVO, I think she sees the picture.

Yes, I broke a short no contact, and may break it again. But my goal is no contact unless its to advance the divorce. I can't actually move her, but I can grease the wheels a bit for a faster exit. I am ready to save myself. Every day she is gone I feel more healed. And yes, the financial hit does bother me, it's not fair by any measurement, but I'm buying years of my life! I think that is priceless.

Was I married to you for 24 years? Who are you?

I know who I am. I am your wife! The one you promissed to cheriss for the rest of your life. The one that gave you two beautifull children. The one that stood by you when you had your burn out. The one that loved you just the way you are. The good and the bad.

First you cheat on me. Then you leave me for her. And now you treat me like garbich in the divorce!

Who the hell do you think you are? Where do you get the nerve to say that I don't cooperate selling the house.

Do you know what you have done to me? Do you know the trauma infidality causes? How shattering it is? To be betrayed by the person on this earth that you love and trust the most?

You harmed me! You abussed me! YOU BROKE MY HEART

You should have compassion with me. You should give me all the time that I need to heal.

I wished that you could read all the stories on SI. About the heartbrake. About the harm.

And for what? For a woman that betrayed her husband? For a homewrecker?

I hope that some day you get what you deserve. And her too!

[This message edited by Helena67 at 8:34 PM, Thursday, August 31st]

You should have compassion with me. You should give me all the time that I need to heal.

During no contact I keep learning. Filing for divorce and being no contact are the greatest gifts I've ever given to myself.

One of the things I'm realizing is that the lack of compassion and all the failures that relate from WSs selfishness are consistent. My wife told me once, "I lied, boo hoo". That sums up the introspection for an unrepentant cheater. Even their own lies are failings of the betrayed. We just ask too much and make too big a deal of the stds.

That consistency of selfish behavior continued for my spouse during three years of false reconciliation. Only now, with the help of my still fledgling no contact, do I realize I kept waiting and pushing for her to change. There never was any actual change. WS D-Day is the same as WS three years later. Any tiny concession toward the truth I applauded like she'd just won a prize. I allowed her lies by staying and playing her game. The leaving, that was my only choice all along. I thought I'd be proud of myself that I gave all, and now it's just further embarrassment at my own ignorance.

One last thought, in dealing with the infidelity and then all her subsequent complaints about me, we never got to my complaints about how I was treated. The near decade of neglect and all the selfishness. Now that I'm no contact, I can't think of one positive thing she brings to my life. She has been selfish, and I've covered up for her selfishness in every way I could. This is not her failure; this is my failure to live honestly and with strong personal boundaries.

What waywards are really doing is controlling. They want to make the choices with all the information, they do not want their spouse to make an informed choice. A wayward's unwillingness to grant their BS an honest choice is consistent with their cheating behavior. Denial of choice and control. That's what I see. Tell me I'm wrong.

I hope when I emerge from this its wiser and with better boundaries.

Why did you break no contact? I was doing so well! Leave me alone! We don't need to coordinate anything. You left. We are divorcing. That is all the coordination you need.

Oké, so things are getting very weird. You told your laywer that I don't want contact? Why? How pathetic are you. Can't you see what you have done? That I'm doing well because of no contact? You did hurt me! You are still hurting me. Leave me alone! Respect at least that. We have coordinated what we had to. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE! If it is that important send an email to my lawyer. YOU IDIOT!

I am embracing no-contact. I broke no contact, perversely, because I thought contact with my stbxww would speed up the divorce. Contact does not advance this agenda. Contact only exposes me to her manipulation. I have given myself over to the legal process. I have an experienced attorney who is doing an admirable job. I will get the divorce I seek, but not by contact with my stbxww.

HAHA! You stupid dumba$$. You get your pension, still working and both you and the new wife work. Gosh, you can't visit because finances see tight. In the meantime, I've paid off $40K in debt.

The family is starting to figure out that maybe I wasn't the one with spending issues. The mask is slipping a little more.

Staying because I love you only made your lies hurt worse. You turned my love into another reason to leave you.

Bump for new posts.

When things got tough you were never there. You never saw me. Never heard me. I was just someone you could guarantee would be there when you got home.

Why do I feel so bad for you that we are seperating? Why do I convince myself you are the man I thought you were deep down? It is possible you just enjoy the attention of other women too much.

I pity your future partner as you have honed your lying skills and have no fears of destroying the person who actually loves you in the process.

I never should have moved in with you. Never should have married you. The only good thing to come from almost 2 decades is our child and I fear he will grow up like you.

Oh and stop inviting yourself along in my future plans. When you checked out of the marriage you checked out of a right to come along to anything for the ride dick head

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 4:02 PM, Wednesday, January 24th]

Your selfishness astounds me. You are severly damaged to welcome an abuser back into our lives but I won't be there to save you this time.You are beyond saving. You don't deserve the love of our child. You don't deserve to be called his dad. You were always a shit partner but I always thought you were a great dad. You are not. You are a disappointment

Bump