SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Whenever I think about what if they fought to keep us, my mind brings me back to that post someone said in this thread a long time ago that while being abandoned hits deeply and differently, in the long run we are way better off than those who are trying or tried to reconcile. It's case to case for each of us, but I see that clearly for myself how that's true. Things are where they're supposed to be. I was spared time of trying to reconcile an irreconcilable marriage.

I'm still affected by the trauma at times, it's not 100% gone but it's rare and I'm doing great. I have never wished them harm but now maybe I can even say I wish them well. I hope the cycle of traumatizing others ends with them, hope their kids become unlike their parents and grow to be loyal and moral individuals.

It takes time and strength, but the farther you go the better it becomes even if it seems impossible to get there. Stay strong, everyone.

@hopefullife
Thank you for your post.

I read your story and I am sorry that you had to go through the horrific journey of betrayal and abandonment
The progress you’ve made is incredible. I don’t think I can EVER wish my ex and the AP well…..this two cheating lying dirtbags do not deserve a good life.
I am healing but have serious doubts that I can genuinely be happy one day. However, your post has given me a glimmer of hope.
I hope I can get there one day.
Thanks again for taking the time to write.

Question: Do I belong here?

The WXH ended up marrying the OW after I kicked him out and D'd him. I'm sure he would have waivered back and forth between us as long as one or both of us permitted him to behave that way. He wanted to be with whomever made him feel better at that moment. While he did end up marrying her, that leopard hasn't changed his spots - meaning now, he cheats on her. I don't think he did one single moment of introspection and just continued his behavior into his next relationship.

It's funny, but I didn't and don't feel any need to get any type of revenge on her, because she brought it all onto herself. I KNOW how awful it is to have to live with him. And he's alllllll hers now!

But he didn't necessarily leave me for her. As a matter of fact, when we D'd, he had a job with the state where he distributed the list of legal events, including marriages and divorces, to the local newspapers. He omitted our divorce listing so that he wouldn't be pressured into marrying her. He actively HID OUR DIVORCE from her. I think he's pathologically allergic to the truth.

Please try to convince me that this is on the long run the best outcome for me! I just don’t see it. I’m to hurt.

[This message edited by Helena67 at 1:11 PM, Sunday, December 25th]

Hi Helena

This is my first post for a very, very long time. I joined in 2010 and hung out in LTA for several years.

If you read my story you will see that I let my F(?)WH stay. He had multiple LTAs during most of our marriage. This year was the 40th anniversary of our marriage. I am now 66. I found out when I was 54.

I would never presume to advise someone to stay with a WS or leave.

In my case, finding out was horrific. For some I know the pain goes or lessens. For me its still just shit!

I stayed for lots of reasons which had little to do with my husband, although I did hope our marriage would be better. It isn't really - not much anyway.

For me, the pain will never go. There are many days I hate him and wish he had left for his last OW or that I had kicked him out. Sad really.....

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I truly hope you find peace and happiness without him. There are no guarantees either way.

Hugs

Laura

This is my first post and I'm not even sure if I belong here. I suppose I just want to be heard by someone, so thank you if you're taking the time out to read this. This Tuesday would have been 13 years of being together, but I've been spending the weekend grieving our relationship and accepting the end of our marriage. I told my WS to choose between blocking his AP or handing in the rest of the divorce paperwork, and I wish I could say that he finally decided to fight for our marriage.

I did my best to do the 180 and grey rock. I never contacted him first. But I did foolishly respond to him at times when I shouldn't have. I let him hurt me again and again, all because I believed in his potential to change instead of his actions. I tolerated more than I should have for someone who was never going to be remorseful. Not once did he ever try to cut contact with his AP while asking to reconcile. It was my fault for sweeping that fact under the rug, which I only did because it hurt too much to face and accept that he was okay with disrespecting and hurting me.

It's hard to let go. But I know I have to. Looking at all the facts, I know it best that someone like him doesn't deserve a second chance. The scariest part is that he's been in therapy this entire time while he's been having the affair and he hasn't changed at all. Not one bit. I don't really know what to say anymore. I just feel sick and numb right now.

I don't want to say that I'm proud of myself for following through with the process because it wasn't one I ever wanted. I hope one day I can look back on this moment and thank myself for being strong enough to walk away. I wouldn't have had the strength to do so without the helpful resources and thoughtful posts from the SI community, so thank you all for sharing your painful experiences and the knowledge you've gained from them with us. It's impossible to describe what betrayal actually feels like if you've never experienced it, and I'm sorry that we're in this club that we never asked to be in.

I’m so sorry for your pain. You don’t deserve this!
Unfortunately I know exactly how you feel. My STBX also chose his AP. I recently read the book "leave a cheater, gain a life" and it has helped me a lot. It explains cheaters and chumps (us). I now truly believe that in the end we chumps are better off. I send you strength. Take care of yourself.

Laura, thank you for you respons! Hugs!

The scariest part is that he's been in therapy this entire time while he's been having the affair and he hasn't changed at all.

Therapy only works when you are want it to and are honest to your IC. Good chance the answer to both of those questions about your STBX was no.

@grubs

Yeah, I agree. He has admitted that who he is right now isn't a good person, but he isn't making any effort to change his behavior. It's heartbreaking.

Well, here I am again. I'm having a very difficult and dark day. The divorce is in a very advanced stage. I should be glad that it is almost done. But I'm not. I feel the pain, the loss, the unfairness, the loneliness. How do you cope with a trauma like this? When does come acceptance? When I will be able to move on?

Helena
Just want to send you thoughts of love and hope. May you find moments of joy and peace as you go through this very difficult journey. Be assured that your STBWH’s new life with the OW will NOT be blessed. Yours, however, is full of new and wonderful possibilities. The author of the book The Gift (can’t recall her name Edith something) said when we face painful situations, we need to get excited and curious about what comes next. You are starting a new chapter. You might be full of fear and anxiety. But it could also lead you to love and life that you never thought possible.
Sending you strength to get through this.

I should be glad that it is almost done. But I'm not. I feel the pain, the loss, the unfairness, the loneliness. How do you cope with a trauma like this? When does come acceptance? When I will be able to move on?

It's different for everyone. You should be feeling those feelings. You didn't choose to have your marriage blown up. This wasn't how you wanted your marriage to go, but you didn't have a partnerwith which to work. Grieve your marriage, but also work on finding what makes you happy without him. For me that was easy. I picked back up on my hobbies I had given up for her.