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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners with Personality Disorders

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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 8:21 PM on Thursday, September 19th, 2019

Anyone on here have experience with Borderline Personality Disorder? My WH and I will not be staying together (barring some kind of miracle - I never say never as I seem to always end up doing whatever it was I never said I would do so I qualify everything) but we will be residing in the same place for the foreseeable future AND it appears this is the diagnosis my WH is headed for - he is considering seeking additional and/or different therapy. There has been no official diagnosis of anything other than MDD (major depressive disorder) and as MDD can be misdiagnosed with BPD (or other things) I am looking more for information about this generally and how you live with someone like this for any amount of time.

I'm not looking for R advice, I'm looking for "how to negotiate getting along" in a much more general sense and what someone who is diagnosed with that is really like. He definitely does not have the needy/clingy aspect of BPD but he hits about 6 of the 9 marks for it and it sounds like that is really most likely where he is (underlying anger that he does not understand where it comes from, anhedonia, impulsive risky behavour, unstable and intense personal relationships involving idealization and devaluation, unstable self image, fairly frequent disassociation (not related to any external known stressor)). He is a bit freaked out that there is "something majorly wrong with him" which comes with embarrassment and shame about having a problem. I never really realized that he was one of these people who would find something like that embarrassing as he so willingly went to IC on his own and has stayed w/out any encouragement from me (which is part of the reason an NPD diagnosis has not really "matched" with him - he recognizes these issues and wants to address them even though he is scared, which takes accepting that you are not perfect).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:22 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2356   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8440010
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xhz700 ( member #44394) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2019

Read Splitting, it's a book about divorcing someone with these types of personality disorders.

It's about the worst thing you will ever do. This book can at least prepare you for what you are going to deal with. In my experience divorcing a woman with BPD, the book was quite accurate.

Behold! The field in which I grow my fucks.

Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren.

posts: 1586   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014
id 8446323
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 10:29 PM on Monday, October 7th, 2019

Thanks - I don't think he has a full blown personality disorder, but I do think he is high on certain traits (of course that is not for me to diagnose and honestly a diagnosis doesn't matter). Luckily we do not have the "why don't you love me" angry outbursts or a lot of throwing blame in my direction. It's mostly a general sense of moodiness coupled with his desire for everything to be "perfectly normal" all the time which is impossible. He is SO closed that sometimes it's hard to know what is coming next...thankfully his IC IS helping and he recognizes that he has a problem/wants to get help.

I appreciate the read - I will see if I can find it online as I don't mind paying but I hate waiting!

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2356   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8448833
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, February 16th, 2021

Bump

FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55805   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8633654
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, April 15th, 2024

Bumped by request

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8833562
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:07 AM on Saturday, April 20th, 2024

A little funny (?) today. My oldest DS told me that he called his dad (NPD) to tell him about the twin sons due later this summer.

42 minutes spent on XWH's job and cat. Hey dad, I have something to tell you...

Wait, let me tell you about...

Never did get to the news from DS....

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8834184
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 6:51 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2024

leafields, when I read this my thoughts went to my late father (probably NPD and a recovered alcoholic). After my mother left him and he hit rock bottom, he dried out but became somewhat of a hermit in his personal life (a computer geek at work, he did function well in that environment). Phone conversations were always lengthy, as I told myself he probably needed to talk to a human being...I'd let him go on and on, never really objecting to the missed social cues a normal person would have picked up in and asked "so, what is new with you?" Eventually I could take my turn...but usually only briefly, because whatever I'd say would inevitably 'remind him of the time when....' and he'd launch into another story.

And as I'm learning, having a father like that must have something to do with having married a man who cannot connect! Guess I made too many excuses for male behavior like his, out of "compassion" for my father whom I felt did have a tough time of it.

Patterns that we learn!!

posts: 2058   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8834299
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KindnessHasALimit ( new member #84546) posted at 11:02 PM on Sunday, April 21st, 2024

Poor son. Not funny if your father isn't interested in you. Hope he didn't feel too bad about it.

Feels like they find it hard to talk about subjects that doesn't interest them. Or someone else being in the center of attention.

My STBX WW is diagnosed with multiple disorders, most during our M. Autism, ADHD, PTSD, Borderline and more recent after dday Bi-polar. I believe she is a covert narcissist and has a tendency to lie. My sister recalled WW mentioned during a family lunch that the therapist called her a self-centered narcissist during her last session.

Often after a work day, she overwhelms the conversation with her story. When I am trying telling something she often ignores me and continues what she is doing or give me a short reply.

Tried scheduling time without tv or phones so we could talk more but it wasn't very successful. She turned on the tv regardless. Don't want to stop in the middle of an episode, or wants to watch one more...

Learned it was easier to talk about topics that interests her so most topics were about that. Her hobbies, the cats. Invested some time reading up on them.

Then she blames me for the marriage falling apart because I do not share my feelings. Kind of hard if you are being ignored or being belittled when you try to do so. I am over worrying. Her way is better. She is having a hard time. I want to sleep.

Time to time she showed some interest. Maybe because she feels its expected from her. Guessed it's not all black and white. Me too made excuses. But now when looking back I notice more and more things that were off.

posts: 23   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2024
id 8834318
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