I'm sorry people are making you feel that way H&S.
I was actually just coming to SI to vent about what other people say sometimes. I just happened to check in here first so I'll start in here.
Not many people IRL know about us either, a few online friends know about the cheating but not the same gender stuff.
So when I give them an update, I HATE it when they say "you are so brave/strong, I don't know if I could do it".
It just sounds condescending to me, like they're saying "yeah your integrity and self worth are shit, and you're a weak person, so of you can overcome this and stay with him...but MY integrity and self worth are top notch, and I'm NOT a weak person, so I don't know if *I* could do it)".
I'm probably overthinking it I'm sure. Some of my online friends do genuinely seem supportive of me and my M, but like I said, none of them know about the M4M stuff.
That being said, most people agree that staying JUST for the kids is a bad idea. Many of us who have kids might originally stay for the kids, but then figure out down the line that it won't work out too well. You have to genuinely want to say at least a little bit, I think. There has to be some tiny little ledge of hope/love to stand on, but that's just my humble opinion.
On a different note, I had my 1st therapy appointment since moving to a new state and it went pretty well. I told the story, my therapist said that she's counseled men who had been in this situation and most of them did it because M4M offers an unemotional release. There's more of a chance of feelings becoming involved when women are involved, men offer more of a "get off and get out" type of scenario, she said M4M doesn't always = gay/bi.
Based on what I told her, she doesn't seem to think my FWH is gay/bi, so that's 3 therapists now who have the same outlook. It's reassuring I guess, but it's still so shocking, even now over a year later. She says he was likely chasing the sexual high like an addict, but he may not BE an actual SA, since his behavior after d-day doesn't "check the boxes". Which is what FWH's previous and current therapist said as well.
She said it's really positive that he's stuck to the boundaries, and that he's in therapy, since many WS refuse therapy.
She also said it's good he's been consistent over the past year, it all shows signs of true growth and progress on his part, she said it SOUNDS like he really loves me and wants to save the M.
I signed a release, so that my therapist and my FWH's therapist can share info (same practice, different therapists), so I guess we will see what she thinks after conferring with FWH's therapist.
[This message edited by HowIsThisReal at 12:22 PM, January 13th (Friday)]