SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, this is a little different than a straight up confirmed inferiority case, but I’m definitely in a grey area right now. I have a bad feeling, but I wanted to post this to get some other advice, to see all of what could be going on, and how I should go about this.

Hey all, I hope this is a good place to post this, I’ve been lurking for a while.

I’ll try to break this down as simply as I possible can, but basically I am engaged (F23) to my soon-to-be husband (M29) and there are a few things that have happened that have made me question if I’m overthinking things, or it is weighing on me for a reason.

For some background information, I absolutely love my fiancée to death and he treats me wonderfully, I truly have never felt love like this before. However, I’ve also had very little relationship experience before him, so my wisdom on certain things is cloudy.

First, I’ve noticed lately that He seems to be using telegram more often. I know that he uses the app, but it seems to be much more common now, and I feel like each time I get really close to him, he seems to close out of the tab each time (one thing that struck me as odd, since he doesn’t do this to me with other tabs).

He also has a highly disproportionate amount of female friends online. His best friends are female, and his follower count in other platforms is heavily dominated by female followers. While he compliments me all of the time as well, he also comments on other women’s (online, not in real life) attractiveness and sex appeal quite a bit (again, I wouldn’t say that crosses the line into "cheating" but it has made me uncomfortable on a few occasions, depending on the comments he’s made).

Again, he’s incredibly affectionate with me, and I should also add that he doesn’t exhibit the typical red flag behaviors with his phone (I know how to unlock it, and he isn’t super defensive with it). After going through this sub though, something on my heart told me to ask for a second opinion, and if any advice could be given to me (or if I am genuinely being overreactive about all of this) please let me know.

thank you so much

You just saw a red flag and you immediately recognized it does not fit the pattern of your fiancé’s usual behavior.

Under normal circumstances your 6 year age difference would not matter but you are the age of recent college graduates. It is the age where you are actually still learning about human nature.

The fact that you reacted should slow things down until you get to the bottom of it. If you haven’t said anything then don’t. This is the time to look at other things that might concern you.
One of the first things bs notice is secretive behavior and you now have one to worry about. The behavior that makes me a little concerned is his friends. The fact that he comments about women and has that many female friends might mean he needs lots of validation. Again, take your time. You are still very young.

I don’t know what to make about the Telegram thing other than it’s a suspect app. Something to keep an eye on I guess.

It looks in general like he has poor boundaries. There’s no reason for him to be complementing women online. Nothing wrong with you having a conversation with him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Welcome from a newer member too — you did the right thing posting this instead of just spinning on it alone.

One thing that might help: your gut and the evidence are two different tracks, and you don't have to resolve both tonight. "Something on my heart" is your pattern recognition noticing a deviation from his normal — you said it yourself, he doesn't close other tabs. That observation is valid no matter what it turns out to mean. At the same time, noticing an anomaly isn't proof. Both things can be true: your feeling deserves to be taken seriously, AND there might be an innocent explanation. You don't have to choose today, and you're not crazy for either noticing it or wanting to be sure.

I'd also gently separate the two things you listed, because they need different responses:

The Telegram thing is an unknown. Unknowns need observation, not a verdict — Cooley and Letmebefrank covered that ground well.

The comments about other women — that one isn't an unknown. It already happened, repeatedly, and it already made you uncomfortable on several occasions. That conversation doesn't require proof of anything; it's just "when you say things like that, I feel ___." How he responds to that — defensiveness, or actually hearing you — will tell you more than the Telegram tab ever will.

Last thing: you keep attributing your unease to "little relationship experience." Inexperience can distort things in either direction, sure. But discomfort that keeps recurring doesn't need experience to be valid data. And being engaged is exactly when getting this handled is cheapest. You're not overreacting by noticing. You'd only be underreacting if you carried the question, unanswered, into the wedding.

hugs

Your fiance is complimenting other women on their attractiveness and sex appeal. Think about that sentence for a minute. He is engaged to you yet openly commenting on other females attractiveness and sex appeal. Red flag number one

He closes out something on his phone when you get too close, red flag number two

You are young and have a lot to learn about relationships. My comment is not meant as an insult. Relationships are incredibly complex. You and your fiance are young and you have some years of maturing ahead of you. Again, not meant to be an insult

These days technology has made it incredibly easy for two people to covertly communicate which obviously makes it a lot easier to cheat. You have observed behaviors from your fiance that make you uncomfortable and I strongly suggest you sit down with him and discuss this

Do not ignore this, do not sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. Problems that are swept under the rug do not go away, they fester, they grow, and eventually they come back 10 times more difficult to deal with

It was my wife's reaction to me seeing a picture of her in a green dress on her phone that led me to discover her affair. The picture was innocent enough but when I asked about it my wife's explanation and body language told me something was wrong. I set a reminder in my phone to check her texting history in 2 weeks when we got our next cellular bill.

When my reminder went off I had forgotten about the picture. I checked her texting history but saw nothing out of the ordinary and I almost dismissed my suspicions as an overreaction but then I checked her tablet while she was still at work. And that's when I discovered she was sexting with a co-worker

She was smart enough to delete her sexting before she left work each day but she forgot that her tablet and phone were synced. I checked her tablet while she was still at work and that's when 27 years of trust evaporated.

A smart man once said trust yet verify. Wise words to live by

Tell him what you saw him doing and ask him why he was doing it. "Hey, why did you quit out of XXX just now?" " what's going on?" Anything new?

Watch his response.

mudkiphugger926, the question you keep asking yourself is "is he cheating." But the discomfort you described is actually answering a different question, one that matters just as much before a wedding: does his behavior match what I want a marriage to feel like.

You said the comments about other women's attractiveness have made you uncomfortable "on a few occasions." Notice that this is data about your boundary, not about his guilt. "I don't want a partner who comments on other women's sex appeal online" is a preference you are allowed to have. It doesn't require proof of an affair to be legitimate. A lot of people your age talk themselves out of their own standards because they can't build a court case — you don't need one. You need a conversation.

Here is the part I would actually watch. Not the Telegram, not the follower counts — his response when you state the boundary plainly. Something like: "When you comment on other women's looks, it lands on me badly. I want that to stop." A man who says "I didn't realize, done" — even if clumsy — is workable. A man who argues you're too sensitive, turns it into a trial about your jealousy, or stops only where you can see him, is showing you how every such conversation will go for the next fifty years. That answer tells you more than any tab closing ever will.

And one more thing, gently. You wrote that you have little relationship experience, so your instincts feel cloudy. Cloudy about men, maybe. But the part of you that noticed the pattern and drove you to post at 5am — that part is not confused. Before marrying anyone, trust that part enough to let it speak out loud, while changing course is still cheap.

Is your fiance love-bombing you? If so, he's probably not H material at this time.

You're not over-reacting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:01 PM, Monday, August 17th]

First — you're not overreacting. You came here with a bad feeling you can't name yet, and asking for a second opinion before acting is exactly the right instinct.

Here's a framework that helped me sort similar gray-area worry:

Separate the question "is he cheating?" from "are these behaviors okay with me?" You don't need proof of an affair to have standing on the second one. Commenting on other women's attractiveness in front of you, to the point it has made you uncomfortable on more than one occasion — that's a boundary conversation you're entitled to have regardless of what Telegram is for. A partner can be doing nothing "wrong" technically and still be doing things that erode you.

About the Telegram tab-closing: one incident means nothing. A pattern — closing it every time you approach, over weeks — is information. But the way to get that information isn't surveillance, it's a direct conversation: "I've noticed X, and I felt Y. Help me understand." Then watch the response more than the explanation. Someone who cares about your peace will engage with it even if it's awkward. Someone who twists it into "you're too sensitive" is showing you something the tab-closing never could.

One more thing: you said you have little relationship experience, like that disqualifies your gut. It doesn't. People with less experience often read situations with less noise. Your discomfort has been persistent enough to bring you here — that deserves to be taken seriously by him, and by you.

Whatever this turns out to be, you'll handle it. You already are.

Hey there,

You're here because you're gut's told you something's off. Based on his behaviors and all you've mentioned here, it certainly seems suspicious, but without proof it'll be difficult to make any firm decisions here.

The big red flag for me is the comments and the frequency of such events. You're engaged to this person, but their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and unsure.

As difficult as it may be, it's time to have a conversation with them about their behavior.

Best of luck, you got this and we're all here for you.