So sorry you're here. But glad you found SI. Folks responding on SI usually aren't approaching situations in a necessarily "negative" manner, but most posters probably feel that responding honestly, from the heart, is in OP's best interest. As I believe. Alli, it's difficult to respond positively about the rug-sweeping, minimization and stone-walling you're experiencing .
Engaged for 8 years? After a 6 year relationship? There's no requirement monogamously minded folks get married, but as Tushnurse sagely observed, an engagement is usually an agreement that leads to marriage..........so something doesn't fit here. The sunk costs fallacy is definitely something to pay attention to. Yes, 14 years is a long time to emotionally invest in a relationship, in a partner. Yes, you love him and hope to reconcile. BUT it takes TWO 100% COMMITTED partners to recreate a relationship - to build a new relationship on foundations of transparency, equity, honesty and healing. His continued lying (lies of omission are still lies) and insistence that you just get over it and move on already, his apparent inability to make a commitment ---- IMO doesn't bode well for his ability to honestly engage in healing and rebuilding. Anything is possible - functional humans who are committed to positive change and willing to work hard at it can change. But reconciliation is HARD work. What is he doing to heal you - to heal the relationship? Is he really committed? Besides words (words are easy), what ACTIONS is he taking to become a better human being?
Alli, please protect yourself. How are YOU taking care of yourself? The only thing within your control is YOU - you can't control the outcome when it comes to reforming a repeat offender. He has to want to change for himself - to remediate his character weaknesses so the nightmare of infidelity doesn't happen again. You certainly can't nice him into changing his self-serving view of the world!
Of course you want to know everything and want him to willingly disclose ALL the truth. IMO, in the scheme of things what went on with those gals isn't the main concern. He's a transactional individual who needs "validation" - someone who's willing to pay for companionship (ego stroking) - willing to pay sugar babies to fill his self-esteem tank. Sugar Babies are a form of sex trade, so hopefully he's honestly calling it what it is. Yes, drinks, dinners and trips are a form of PAYMENT. And, if he's an adult with a functioning libido it's probable he paid for more than that. So, in his world-view women are a commodity to be bought and sold for his ego fortification. And, he's willing to lie to you and kept a whole secret life hidden from you. Even after being outed, he insists upon keeping secrets. Secret keeping after infidelity feels like a power play. Keeping the truth from you protects HIM - which appears to be his priority. Seems like he also felt entitled to whatever happened during that 8 year double life. So, if he's serious about reconciliation, an important first step is for him to dig deep and figure out why he does what he does, why he feels entitled to treat people (including you) the way he does. Is he open to individual counseling? He's got a lot of hard work to do......and if he's serious about reconciliation IMO part of that work should be willingly telling the truth about everything you want to know.
ETA:
You've been in this relationship a long time. Taking care of yourself must include financial self-care. Throwing money at his problems and buying sugar babies are concerning behaviors.
Do you share finances? Even though you're not married, depending upon jurisdiction, you could meet the criteria of "common law" partner. If you're financially enmeshed or dependent in any way, could be worth discussing the situation with a lawyer or two just to learn your rights. Doesn't mean you have to separate. Knowledge is power, and doing what's needed to protect yourself financially could help to gain some equilibrium.
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:11 PM, Sunday, December 22nd]