SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven’t posted for a while as the XWH was trolling me here but I’m 2+ yrs divorced. I have the kids, dogs and house and he has all the money. Best trade ever. DS and DD are going to college and living with me. The divorce came as a big shock because I had kept his prior cheating to myself and tried to make a go of reconciliation until DD2. Later I realized there were more than 2.

I waited to date because I didn’t want to make the kids feel abandoned. Also after the narcissist scorched earth divorce I couldn’t imagine a new relationship. It’s been in survival mode, trying to afford my old life with one parent and one salary.

But I did meet a nice man and we’ve been dating for 5 months. We met at a weekly happy hour where I’d get one drink and bring back affordable dinner for the kids. It turns out we had mutual friends there and I started to look forward to happy hour.

He’s a few years out of a LT relationship too, both of us are being guarded. No "L" word exchange or LT plans.

I’m wondering if this is the new normal for me. I don’t want to feel dependent on anyone again. I think I can maintain a relationship and still tell myself I don’t need it. I’m happy single as a baseline so I know I can be happy returning to single hood.

I’ve heard people on here say after DD they realize that they were too invested/involved/reliant on the partner and it’s healthier not to be that way. Or am I missing an opportunity to be all-in in a positive relationship?

I think it's important to maintain some independence. You don't have to be a doormat and allow your partner to treat you the same way your XWH did. I think it will take you time to realize that your friend is different than your XWH, and if he isn't - RUN! After living through narc abuse, it's understandable to want to be cautious.

Being happy with your singlehood gives you an advantage. You can have a partner that enhances your life and lifestyle. You already know that you can get along fine by yourself, so you're already much better off than somebody who is so totally dependent on being in a relationship that they'll accept crappy behavior from a partner.

There have been members post that they started dating and their NB ended up with major red flags and they left, while others have had wonderful experiences.

If you have a chance, read the NB story Knowing One's Worth by Shehawk. Her XWH was something else, and she has been posting updates about how her post-D life is going. She's been dating and recently became engaged. She discusses having how her new SO treats her and I think it's great reading.

Thanks Leafields,
My XWH started out ok but seemed to get more and more narcissistic ( or maybe just stopped hiding it). So I’m wary of anyone the least bit arrogant. The new guy is very humble,self-deprecating, just the opposite.

Our divorce really brought out the monster in XWH, although I was the one who wanted the divorce because I caught him cheating again, he flipped the script and told all my friends and family and kids that I was the one with a new guy. I lost a lot of friendships with all the terrible things he was saying about me, but then again, they weren’t real friends to believe it. Then came the plan for financial destruction. I heard he was at a bar in town bragging to people that I can’t afford my house. He doesn’t pay for the kids, has little contact. A real 180 from when we were married.

The pain of DD1 was so painful that I’m not sure I want to set myself up for that again. DD2, 10 yrs later was nothing but a relief and gave me the push I needed to divorce a guy I was now suspicious of; so it seems like even in my marriage I stayed wary, cynical.

"The divorce came as a big shock because I had kept his prior cheating to myself and tried to make a go of reconciliation until DD2. Later I realized there were more than 2."

I am very sorry you went through this. No one deserved this sort of treatment. And when the "switch" flips some waywards can become extremely vindictive and aweful.

I wish you blessings, peace and much healing

My new husband and I were in a long distance relationship for 5 years after my D and we lived together 2 more years before marrying. I learned a lot about myself and my independence and it has carried over well into our marriage. It took a while before I stopped triggering on things but my H is honest and that is one thing we talk about all the time. We can do anything as long as we have honesty between us.

Thanks Shehawk and Not, I know your advice is solid. There’s a reason the X was able to bring such destruction, but then again most relationships I see, parents, friends, they can totally trust each other with no detriment. A nice idea.

I’m wondering if you guys experienced the oxytocin rush of the new relationship? I recognized it from DD1. With XWH it was so weird because I hated/felt betrayed by the chemicals surging through my system. I gave in and tried to reconcile ( and we had little kids, in hindsight it was a valiant effort). Then after 2.5 years of putting my life back together I get hit with this oxytocin rush again, and just after a date or two. I couldn’t eat or think, true crazy but I know in my head it’s not real because it’s the same as that hysterical bond.

Then after 2.5 years of putting my life back together I get hit with this oxytocin rush again, and just after a date or two. I couldn’t eat or think, true crazy but I know in my head it’s not real because it’s the same as that hysterical bond.

It's good to be cautious. You already know you've chosen poorly in the past with the XWH. Likely missed red flags that were obvious in retrospect. NRE is real. It's part of how we evolved to pair bond. To complete that bond though takes work and effort by both. To move beyond just the excitement and tingly feelings to something more concrete. To also work on keeping some of that excitement going. Good chance you were the only one doing most of that work in your marriage to XWH. The only way to tell if there's more here is time and effort.

The contrast between my Ex is my current wife in investment in the relationship is dramatic. I like to say my first marriage taught me the hard way that one person can't make it work on their own. My wife isn't prefect but it's been great to have someone trying just as hard to be part of a couple. 10 years in and still getting better every year.

Thanks Grubs,
You make me think about judging our partners by the investment they are willing to make. When I got divorced I still had teens and dogs and a mortgage (still do) and I wondered how I would make it on my solo income and being a single mom. Turns out money was the only difference. I was already the only one doing housework, taking the kids, walking the dogs, making dinner. XWH was a LEO and always chose to work nights so he was asleep or at work (or?) when all the work needed to be done.

Don’t laugh but I blame Dr. Laura for staying with him for so long. I listened to her radio show when we were young and both working and he still didn’t help. I’d get so frustrated after cleaning up after him, especially after the first baby, that I’d explode until he spend a day or two helping. Dr. Laura said divorce for not doing housework was ridiculous, should just be for abuse or infidelity and once we had kids together that sounded right. So I spent 22 years resentful and worn out. When I caught him the second time it was as a relief, I finally felt I had earned the right to leave.

I notice now that I love cooking for the kids, doing yard work, cleaning the house. I’m about to call the beau and ask if he wants to walk the dogs ( he says yes). It feels like a big boulder was taken off my shoulders.