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Asked my embarrassing questions

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 Groot1988 (original poster member #84337) posted at 4:58 AM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

It’s me hi. The problem is me. laugh shocked

Seriously. Thank you to my second family for being brave enough and loving enough to tell me all the things I never knew I needed. I came here blind, scared and literally on my death bed. I have four kids that deserve more than the mom and dad they are getting.

I asked my h some of the most embarrassing questions I needed to know from his A. (Tequila helped). I even asked how she cleaned up after finishing. sad My h carried a towel in his truck of my youngest daughters favorite movie (toy story) and I put it on the shelf after washing thinking she used it. He answered me and it wasn’t it. When I was honest and told him WHY it was importnant , he understood why I asked.

We both cried upon his answers after me dry heaving

His answers were so raw and hurtful I know he didn’t make them up. I’m hurting and happy at the same time we both cried, fucking infidelity sucks big balls.

But fuck even at 7 months remorse is still increasing: I hate the roller coaster , I want to get off.

. Stupid me for thinking 2 months in he cared (he didn’t ). I should have listened to you all.

I bet at 1 year it will even be more.

Thank you to all my now called friends that lead me down the path I didn’t know I needed to travel and I sure didn’t want want to effing travel.

I hope to one day help people like you’ve all helped me. I pray that we R but if not, I know I have you all.

Sisoon. Ink. Marine. Hiking out. Sacred. You are angels. Among many others. Thank you for always speaking your mind.

I am hurting so bad tonight but I’m happy. I’m happy he threw them both under the bus to help me.

(He also had counseling tonight) so I think that helped.

I hope I’m on the road to healing.

I know I’ll be back again so much to drive yall nuts and ask for advice :) so don’t think you’re rid of me.


Side note.

Baby groot now hangs from my rear view mirror and I think of this place and you all every time I go anywhere.

I pray for us all to have a little peace on our hellacious journey.

- I am groot ❤️

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:59 AM, Friday, May 24th]

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 292   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8837658
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:33 AM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Sending you strength tonight, Groot. The pain of infidelity is so visceral, and I understand the dry-heaving part.

There were some very intimate details that my brain needed to know to get past the mind movies. What I was imagining was much worse than what my XWH told me. Did it hurt? Oh, hell yeah! Did it help? Yes, because what I was thinking was much worse than what happened.

What asking the questions and getting the answers helped me to understand how disordered my XWH's thought process was. For some of the things he said, I was thinking, "Who in their right mind does that?" It helped me to realize how much he was in what has been mentioned here as Unicorn Fartland. (Unicorn farts of glitter, ambient lighting, special mood music [boom-chicka-wow-wow], and no responsibilities at all. Add any additional thoughts here.)

For me, it was 3 years after dday1 that I felt I was going to be ok. Of course, that was after divorcing XWH. (He wasn't remorseful and didn't do the work to be a safe partner.)

I agree, though. SI saved me and helped me through the most difficult pain I've been through.

I love the image of a Groot air freshener. You are stronger than you think you are.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3480   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8837662
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1345Marine ( member #71646) posted at 7:02 AM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Some of those details are so brutal. I had to know everything. It's just how I'm wired, and it took a while but I do believe I more or less have it all now. And I think one of the most important things that the details does accomplish is that it changes those memories, hopefully, for your H. I had this constant fear that if she kept the details to herself they became her cherished little exciting memories buried deep in her heart. Unless someone is just exceptionally callous and sadistic though, I think it's much harder to hold and cherish those details and memories after they've been reflected through the tears of your spouse's eyes, or in your case through dry heaving and tears. That paints the affair through the experience of the Betrayed spouse for the eyes and heart of the Wayward spouse. And if that Wayward is truly remorseful, it's a painting that I believe has a lot of power. That's one of the biggest reasons I needed details, both painful and the "not as bad as I imagined". I just needed truth. The ones that hurt the most, I needed her to have that pain reflected back in her eyes. You gave me this pain, you're going to watch me writhe in it. And every time you want to smile in your heart remembering your fantasyland, I hope that image haunts the memory. My vision of reconciliation is the polar opposite of rug sweeping. I want true intimacy of souls to be rebuilt. That's what I need from marriage. And if we're going to do that, if that's my goal if I decide to reconcile, then I would rather I have the pain of what happened given to me and you watch me take it and the pain it brings and taint that memory. I'd rather have that than me be blissfully unaware and deep down you cherish it in your heart thinking "what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him".

Sending strength to you Groot. You're going to make it through this. One day you'll even be able to love summertime again. I promise. You're not being weak and exaggerating any of this pain. It's very real and you're very normal to experience it as painfully and viscerally as you do. I think I'm a bit older than you, but I also have four kids pretty close together in age. We had multiples in diapers throughout our twenties. And I cannot imagine a more vulnerable time for my wife than when those children were as young as yours. I didn't do everything right for her, but remembering how challenging and lonely and isolating those early childhood years can be for a young mother just by their nature.... I can't imagine the pain a young mother would feel having infidelity thrown on top of it. It's funny because it kind of flipped on us and I feel like my WW pulled her shit at my most vulnerable time. When those kids were so young she needed to be able to rely on me because she was just naturally more in the furnace of parenthood. The way our relationship was, I was a very present father, but little children were just more her day in and day out isolating challenge. I was more the support a lot of the time. As they became teens that shifted entirely. I'm the disciplinarian. I'm the father. I'm the boundary as these teenagers start trying to push out and rebel. I needed her to have my back and be my support as I tried to step into my personal parenting furnace as the face of boundaries for our teenagers, and that's precisely when she abandoned me. And even went a step further and began poisoning my relationship further than the natural friction that existed between a father standing in the way of his teenagers doing anything they wanted. She decided that was time to be the friendship parent. It was the absolute lowest time of a life that's had quite a few challenges. I'm certain I'll never forget how she treated me in that furnace of fatherhood compared to the love and support I tried to give her when the children were small and she was more in the thick of battle than I was. I was far from perfect, but I was on her side and there for her. So I'm well aware of how much extra salt that pours into the wound when it feels like your spouse abandoned you for a fantasyland affair right at the time you most needed him as you struggle with your parenting role. You've been through the wringer, but you have more strength than you realize. One moment at a time. You're going to get through this.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Eastern US
id 8837665
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 2:37 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

It sounds like a normal response - hating what the answers are but relief in knowing. Be patient with yourself as you process it and know that this is likely to lead to more questions or things you want to go over a little more fine toothed. But as you process and he shows more remorse and you come to these places together, that is what reconciling looks and feels like. Sending love and healing vibes to you. You are kicking ass and taking names, I am always blown away by your willingness to express your humanness and vulnerability. May you be held and comforted as you walk through the fire.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7261   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8837726
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

It’s me hi. The problem is me.

Pop music lyrics to convey your complex emotional state? We are going to get along so damn well. laugh

Seriously. Thank you to my second family for being brave enough and loving enough to tell me all the things I never knew I needed. I came here blind, scared and literally on my death bed. I have four kids that deserve more than the mom and dad they are getting.

My kids are older than yours, but I feel that same way. That maybe the third or fourth worst part of her affair will be the way it destroyed both of us while we were supposed to be raising children.

We both cried upon his answers after me dry heaving

crying barf

His answers were so raw and hurtful I know he didn’t make them up. I’m hurting and happy at the same time we both cried, fucking infidelity sucks big balls.

The biggest balls ever. I understand this paradox completely.

But fuck even at 7 months remorse is still increasing: I hate the roller coaster , I want to get off.

Remember, you CAN get off if you want. And I know you probably mean that there is a desire to get off, but there is an even stronger desire to R and so you will keep going, and that makes sense. But never lose sight of the truth that you can pull the ripcord any fucking time you want to.

. Stupid me for thinking 2 months in he cared (he didn’t ). I should have listened to you all.

No self flagellation allowed here.

I bet at 1 year it will even be more.

It fucking better be. If not, ripcord.

I hope to one day help people like you’ve all helped me. I pray that we R but if not, I know I have you all.

Don’t worry about that today, take care of yourself and your babies. But it speaks volumes about you that you would already be thinking of helping others in your current pain. Go read Marine’s diamond thread again.

Side note.

Baby groot now hangs from my rear view mirror and I think of this place and you all every time I go anywhere.

I pray for us all to have a little peace on our hellacious journey.

- I am groot

Love it. I have a Hulk decal on my vehicle that serves the same purpose.

- Hulk smash

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837733
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

You are kicking ass and taking names

Also, hiking missed a clear opportunity to make a GOTG reference here and I’m more than a little disappointed.

#takingassandkickingnames

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:14 PM, Friday, May 24th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837745
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:38 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

The answers were going to hurt in any case. I'm really happy for you that you found the courage to ask your questions.

I'm also happy for both of you that your H answered from his heart and his gut. You can heal without him - you can dump a dishonest WS - but he can't heal unless he's honest with himself.

As hikingout wrote, don't be surprised if you have to go over the same ground again. My hypothesis is that the truth is so horrendous that the BS can't take it in all at once. I certainly couldn't, and I think that's why I had to ask the same questions multiple times. The good part was: each round of answers gave me a little more peace. YMMV.

You took a big step toward healing AND toward R, IMO

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8837762
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:54 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Another thought here: speaking to the title of the thread, to whom are you saying these questions are embarrassing to? You or your WH?

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837795
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

His answers were so raw and hurtful I know he didn’t make them up.

This part, the brutal fucking honesty even if it results in despair and crying together is actually a really positive step even if you're feeling awful and empty and emotionally exhausted. It's this (over and over and over again) that builds real vulnerability and understanding and trust.

Happy for you Groot.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8837797
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 6:27 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Also, hiking missed a clear opportunity to make a GOTG reference here and I’m more than a little disappointed.

laugh

Let me disappoint you further- I only know Groot from the Avengers Endgame. My husband always did dates with the kids to marvel movies. It was their thing together. I finally went to watch the avengers movie when they went one time and seemed to want me to come too. Now I am slowly catching up with the different movies. I got off track when we were traveling in the rv. I don’t watch tv all that much so I am slow.

But if I gave myself a character, I am the raccoon.! But we already have a great Rocket Raccoon here!

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:30 PM, Friday, May 24th]

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 7261   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8837806
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 Groot1988 (original poster member #84337) posted at 6:29 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Ink

Another thought here: speaking to the title of the thread, to whom are you saying these questions are embarrassing to? You or your WH?


It embarrasses me to embarrass him if that makes sense, I am the kind of person that will flip the channel if something is embarrassing , it is just cringe worthy. I also am embarrassed for having to ask him sexual questions when this shouldn't have happened in the first place, I am embarrassed to be married to someone that did this to me if I am being honest.


Pop music lyrics to convey your complex emotional state? We are going to get along so damn well.

A little bit of dark humor and music soothes the soul.

Remember, you CAN get off if you want. And I know you probably mean that there is a desire to get off, but there is an even stronger desire to R and so you will keep going, and that makes sense. But never lose sight of the truth that you can pull the ripcord any fucking time you want to.

You are right, my desire is what is keeping me on this damn rollercoaster of hell. Yes you are right, I can leave any time i want and really if I am being honest, it will always be more of his loss than mine and he has admitted it. I see small changes and a light in him that keeps me here, if anything were to go back to before, I am out the door.

Sisoon, Emergent, H/O, Marine/ Leafields

Thank you for the direction and for reading my posts and always offering great advice.
I now see why people here always say the only way to get out of hell is to walk through it, this is the worst hell I have ever felt. We had a really raw conversation last night about what this would do to us if it ever happened again and I made the comment that I can see why people hurt themselves or other people when going through something so traumatic. He agreed and he said he never saw how bad trauma can really be and honestly, neither did I. This is so eye opening. Take that comment for what it is because I wont do either but think if I didn't start to get out of my own head a little bit and find this place, I really don't want to know what I would have done then.
When he was answering my questions he started to cry and tell me that it was really hard for him to answer me because of how bad all of this hurt me. I asked him if he thought that the pain was good for him, that if he didn't have to sit in his pain and what he did would there ever really be change? He agreed that the pain is necessary. It amazes me how remorse just grows like a flower, starts out so small and it just blooms. I think/hope/pray he is going to bloom.


You are kicking ass and taking names

You better bet I won't stop


This part, the brutal fucking honesty even if it results in despair and crying together is actually a really positive step even if you're feeling awful and empty and emotionally exhausted. It's this (over and over and over again) that builds real vulnerability and understanding and trust.

Emergent- I see it now. I see why it is all so important, he finally is too. The guilt and shame are real for the WS I am seeing.


I love the image of a Groot air freshener. You are stronger than you think you are.

Leafields, the quote is true. "You never know how strong you have to be until its the only option"

Thank you.

The ones that hurt the most, I needed her to have that pain reflected back in her eyes. You gave me this pain, you're going to watch me writhe in it. And every time you want to smile in your heart remembering your fantasyland, I hope that image haunts the memory.

Marine, yes a million times over. my H actually said something like that last night when I said I didn't want him to have any memories of her at all. He told me that every single memory he has with her is tainted by the pain it caused me and the kids that even talking about it makes him sick

Also H/O..... his name is rocket. laugh

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 292   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8837807
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:43 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Unless someone is just exceptionally callous and sadistic though, I think it's much harder to hold and cherish those details and memories after they've been reflected through the tears of your spouse's eyes, or in your case through dry heaving and tears. That paints the affair through the experience of the Betrayed spouse for the eyes and heart of the Wayward spouse. And if that Wayward is truly remorseful, it's a painting that I believe has a lot of power. That's one of the biggest reasons I needed details, both painful and the "not as bad as I imagined". I just needed truth. The ones that hurt the most, I needed her to have that pain reflected back in her eyes. You gave me this pain, you're going to watch me writhe in it. And every time you want to smile in your heart remembering your fantasyland, I hope that image haunts the memory.

This was a really beautiful way to describe this Marine. It's helped me reframe my own process of doing just this a little bit in my own brain, so thanks. smile

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8837808
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 7:27 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

It embarrasses me to embarrass him if that makes sense, I am the kind of person that will flip the channel if something is embarrassing , it is just cringe worthy. I also am embarrassed for having to ask him sexual questions when this shouldn't have happened in the first place, I am embarrassed to be married to someone that did this to me if I am being honest.

Makes sense. Just remember that for some weird reason we as humans tend to feel shame/embarrassment both for things that we’ve done and for things that others have done to us. Neither feeling is bad, but they are coming from very different places and should drive different responses. Your WH is the one who ought to feel ashamed. And he ought to show love to you by pushing thru that and not letting it prevent him from giving you what you need. And he ought to leverage that into improving himself. I’m much less clear on the utility of a victim feeling shame about what has been done to them, maybe some others can chime in on that.


Pop music lyrics to convey your complex emotional state? We are going to get along so damn well.

A little bit of dark humor and music soothes the soul.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837813
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Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

Hey Groot,

Well done for asking. Having dwelled on it, if there's anything left, ask again.

When my infidelity situation was said and done my W said right, ask what you need to ask, let's get this done.

I asked my questions, she gave the answers. It was hard but I think it worked.

Don't be afraid to ask follow ups though.

Ozzy

posts: 173   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8837819
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Ozzy1788 ( member #83108) posted at 10:18 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

PS.

I know I haven't posted much recently but would love a casual jokey thread... think a lot of us would appreciate it!

posts: 173   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8837820
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 Groot1988 (original poster member #84337) posted at 10:59 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

ozzy (love the name!) we had a cat named ozzy lol.

I appreciate the advice. Today after asking the questions I just feel dead inside. I’m so freaking sad. I feel so exhausted and dead inside.
I got a bonus at work that my H was proud of me for and something that should have made me so happy … it didn’t mean much. I called it a tiny ray of sun on a really dark rainy day.

I agree. I could use some humor because not much makes me laugh much anymore.

Married 5 years (together 11) Four children Me Bs 36Him WH 35- 4 month PA Dday Oct 6- lots of TT final disclosure Jan 16.

"If we walk through hell we might as well hold hands, we should make this a home"- citizen soldier

posts: 292   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2024   ·   location: Darker side of gray
id 8837822
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 11:19 PM on Friday, May 24th, 2024

I could use some humor because not much makes me laugh much anymore.

I think we should all consider that both a challenge and an invitation. wink tongue

It really does get better. Hang in there.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837823
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 7:10 AM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

It embarrasses me to embarrass him if that makes sense,

This is why it was always so difficult for me to ask my WW tough questions. I wanted to know things so badly but I also loved her so much I couldn’t bear to see her suffer the pain from having to answer my questions. Ironic in a way that she caused all of this pain and I still cared more about her than me. Yup, infidelity really, really, sucks!

posts: 244   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8837836
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:23 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

Especially to Ozzy: For a long time, I couldn't imagine why SI had a 'Fun and Games' thread. When I started to feel better, I looked into it and found the quote thread and Stupid Picture Friday.

Each day starting from Saturday gets better - it's one day closer to SPF.

Just sayin'....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:23 PM, Saturday, May 25th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29994   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8837843
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 5:30 PM on Saturday, May 25th, 2024

For me it was intuitive that this place, these topics, needed some element of comic relief just to make them at all tolerable, at least for me. We have so much pain, ain’t nobody going to tell me I can’t crack a joke and break up the misery for a minute. And maybe, Sisoon, that is a numbing instinct like we’ve talked about. But you also just indicated that you believe we all have our limits and it is a long haul effort to take this all in. So I say let’s cry when it’s time to cry and laugh when it’s time to laugh, and frankly it’s a lot harder for a lot of us to laugh these days, so let’s get as much of that as we can.

#oogachucka

[This message edited by InkHulk at 5:32 PM, Saturday, May 25th]

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2106   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8837850
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