Sounds like you got some effort but obviously not enough. I have been desperately fighting slipping into resentment but some days it beats me. I try and put on a brave face and focus on the good but then I slide back and she is pissed again because I have not let it go. Last night she stormed off to bed because I was working on a post here. Never asks what it's about or how it helps just jeleous that she does not have 100% of my attention. Been that way our whole marriage thougb.
Yes, there had been "some" effort. She took an 8 week course through another Infidelity website but sort of half-assed it. She got pissed the very first session because she was the only one in the course with multiple APs. Always "comparing herself" and not liking the cold hard reality when she doesn’t "measure up" or she perceives herself to be "the worst one", etc.
Really, it has been manic a few times. She would spend every waking hour working on things in short (2-3 week) bursts only to "burn herself out and stop for long periods of time. But even when she was "working hard", it was more about "activity" than "output". I would ask what she did and get "I read a book" or "I watched videos", etc. But then I would have to literally "dig out of her" what are your "takeaways" or "what did you learn". Exhausting for me.
At the end of the day, she just wants to "throw it all up in the air and move on" aka "rug sweep". In the past, I have called her out when she goes into "lulls" and gotten the momentum going. This time I won’t. When she asked if we could "take a break" on discussing the past/doing the recovery work, I sat her down and discussed the "cost" of that. Basically that it means I give up on recovery, becoming "one" with her and finally becoming the "life partners" we have never been. I told her I doubt we will ever resume. She swore to "prove me wrong". Well, almost 12 weeks and counting for our "break".
She never asks me how I’m doing or if there is anything she can do. I think she’s trying to "throw it all in the air and move on". She doesn’t get resentful when I post on here but does seem to "tense up".
Like you said, she gets mad when she feels like she doesn’t have 100% of my attention. She blamed my "lack of attention" and her need for attention and validation for her reasons for cheating. But she always treated me as her 4th or 5th priority. She sabotaged the marriage to justify her cheating. She withheld sex. Yet, she expects my undying love and devotion despite doing absolutely nothing to make me feel that way.
After D-Day, I told her I’m not "in love" with her anymore. Without doing anything, she would randomly ask me "are you back in love with me yet". I finally said "no, and doing nothing to improve our relationship and repair the damage you have done while leaving me to suffer alone isn’t going to magically make me love you either". Pouts….
Maybe a light will go off. But this is who she is and has been for the 42 years I’ve known her. This is why I have an "exit strategy" now.
Like I said above, my WW wants to "rug sweep". She doesn’t expect this to "disappear". She laments this "will always be between us" but is more focused on her "guilt and shame" than my pain.
Also, even though the actual cheating was years ago, D-Day was just over a year ago. So she also gets for me "this wasn’t a long time ago" in the sense it is for her. But she also thought she had "gotten away with it" and could "take this to her grave".
In her head, she "knows" what she needs to do. She has even beaten herself up some for it. But her Intimacy Avoidance wins out and she goes into her state of "wishing it all away". I am truly focused on things she is or isn’t doing now as opposed to the past. My problem is she is really a "dry drunk" who has all her "issues" but isn’t actively "acting out". I just know if the roles were reversed, I would kill myself making her whole. She can’t be bothered to do the same for me….
[This message edited by ImaChump at 10:29 PM, Monday, August 7th]