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I Can Relate :
For Those Who Found Out Years Later - part 2

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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 3:19 AM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

IOB:

Why do you feel like you have no recourse?

I hear you, I feel that way too, I’m just wondering what you really mean by it. Is it because you are 60? I think maybe 60 for a guy is the same way you feel at 50 for a woman. Especially because men always seem to want to date younger. It just doesn’t feel like an age when you want to start the whole thing all over again. Particularly when you share so many memories with this one person. I feel angry to. My choices are to accept the shit sandwich and stuff it down for the rest of my life or give up my only hope I had, to have an intact family and to be in love forever with the father of my children. I don’t want to give that up.

On a side note, I wanted to mention that seeing so many men going through this has opened my eyes in a good way. My grandfather cheated on my grandmother and then my father cheated on my mother and now of course it has happened to me. I really thought only men did this. Which of course is physically impossible because there had to be a woman there for the affair to happen. But I guess I assumed they were mostly single. Now I’ve seen how many caring men have been hurt in the same way and I realize how wrong I was. I am not happy to see men hurt, I just realize now that it was not as much of a gender issue as I had always assumed. I was so afraid of cheating that I would only date men that I thought were super kind and moral, quiet, never sexually aggressive. And when I finally met a man who I thought would never in a million years cheat on anyone, especially me, I married him. I guess my ability to ascertain someone’s moral compass was not quite as good as I thought.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8784950
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 12:53 AM on Saturday, April 1st, 2023

I think there are a few facets to feeling I have little recourse. One path of recourse is D but as you asked, yes age is a big factor and I just don’t feel I want to start over. Plus there is an apprehension about dating that I would really mess it up and it would be a total disaster. And I do still love her and we have many good memories and honestly when things are good we enjoy each others company. Plus the financials and the family. So an avenue of recourse to D is just out.

A second reason is that I feel I have so few resources to draw on like people, systems from which I could determine the truth and actual timeline independent of her revealing it. It was so long ago that there are no smart phone resources like today and so few people that would know anything that I could ask. There is one potential AP that I plan to talk to and maybe I will pick Ima’s brain for tips and strategy for doing that. But again these things are very limited.

And finally, and this is more of a philosophical rather that tangible avenue of recourse, and that is much like legal recourse I wish there was justice recourse. A court, judge, jury I could plead my case to who would tell me we have ruled in your favor and are awarding you a mended heart, soothed anger, softened painful memories, returned trust, a restored soul. But maybe that court does exist. And maybe it is me that needs to see the evidence, hear the arguments, pass the judgement, and make the award. But currently I struggle with finding the evidence, testimony and the legal argument I need to adequately plead my case. Maybe continuing with IC will provide that avenue of recourse, just to early to tell. But I still think that MC breakthroughs where we bare our souls, connect in a deep and meaningful ways and help each other heal would be the most powerful recourse. But that right now feels like a candle flickering in the wind.

And once again someone in the pages of this forum has quite accurately articulated my thoughts. When you said, and I will paraphrase, "I have two choices, stay and eat the shit sandwich or leave with all the pain and heartache that would bring." You nailed it! I have to decide between two terrible choices and it SUCKS! So I have been trying to come up with a third choice that is better than either of those but, that remains elusive.

BTW, I appreciate your epiphany and empathy that men get hurt by cheating too. And I went into marriage rather blind but if I had experienced what you had and made the conscious effort to find someone who would be my harbor in the infidelity storm and then still be betrayed, gut wrenching. So sorry.

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8785227
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BOAZ367 ( new member #82836) posted at 4:40 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

I have followed this thread,it's predecessor and see some parallels in several post. I don't quite fit this "just found out years later", as she cofessed 38 years ago to cheating on me with her boss. I see,however, there are some posts very similar to my situation, learning more much later.

Back then the confession I got was "it was only once", "it didn't mean any thing", I don't love him","it will never happen again". Any of this sound familiar?
Long story short, we rug swept, neither of us told or confided in anyone. She continued working with him as her boss for another 7 years. There were time of extreme pain for me as the work group would periodically socialize. Lunches, happy hour etc.

Fast forward to this past year. She has been a fulltime mom and grandmother since leaving that employment. Me early retirement, cardiac procedure, started part-time employment, focused on physical & mental health. Loss of wifes parents. Difficult time emotionally. I feel a distance with her, then learn my daughter discovered her husband's infidelity.

That put me in a downward spiral.I finally reached out and now work with a IC, a very big help. Found a couple of infidelity sites with lots of help and now SI, thank you all for your wisdom and desire to help people like me. Reading Not Just Friends", what an eye opener. That book describes everything that I/we experienced. Wife doesn't want to share with a counselor. We've had more conversations in the past 9 months than we did in 30 years. Bits and pieces have been added to the story. She usually floods during a discussion, just wants it behind us, and to forget. Unfortunately those like me with ptsd, can never forget. With the help I'm getting I'm learning how to deal with. I just wish she would join me in the healing. Either way I will get better

BOAZ367

posts: 45   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2023   ·   location: East coast
id 8787549
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

Any of this sound familiar?

Your wife's confession sounds a whole lot like my wife's confession. The confession I got was 18-20 years after and just as incomplete.

"It was only once" was really a 4-year LTA, and two years of EA.

It is much harder to heal a relationship by yourself.

If your wife will read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, By Linda J. MacDonald -- it's a start.

Counseling can help too, but she needs to understand the damage caused, and the extra damage that's being caused now by not helping you understand her choices.

If only one person has the truth, only one of you knows what the reality of the marriage is. It helped me to have as much of the truth as I could get, so I understood what I was trying to accept.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8787558
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 3:55 PM on Friday, April 21st, 2023

BOAZ367 we have similarities in our stories. For over 3 decades I was able to rug sweep the pain and lead a pretty normal life. There were the occasional flashbacks and feelings of mistrust that would cause me to doubt and question if she was still doing things behind my back but then those would fade and life went on. But 6 months ago things changed and my thoughts are now dominated by reliving painful memories of what did happen and worse wondering if all those times I had feeling of mistrust were actually legitimate. I have tried to figure out how I got here and like you there seems to have been a series of triggers that has brought this on.

Passing through the town recently where she shacked up with him for 6 months, a call from her female friend that she went down there with after many years of no contact, learning of my nephew being cheated on, and the topper was during a few drinks on the deck discussing regrets in life when I said something to the effect of "maybe she should confess her mistakes" and she said, "can’t we just love each other because that will not end well". I was a gut punch feeling at that moment that was the same feeling and intensity as when I first came to the realization she was cheating. I have been spiraling ever since to the point I sometimes wake in the middle of the night with MM and stories and dialog that just wrench my guts and cause my heart to race. I find myself most days struggling with reliving all the shit that did happen and spinning round and round about what may have happened.

Unlike you I did not have to endure a god awful reality in which she continued to be around him in a setting that was "legitimate". Watching him look at her and her him and trying to tell if there were still sparks of ongoing sex or romance between them. Ughhhh!! Just a f*$king terrible thing to live through.

And like you we have talked more about the infidelity recently than we have for the last 35 years. She too gets very upset when we have talked and wants to leave it in the past and forget it. And although those conversations help me, I have become concerned that pushing too hard for the big reveal, that may never come, could potentially push her into a health crisis and so I have backed off.

I too for the first time in my life have sought IC because from what I have read I think I am having ptsd symptoms and just could not/can not seem to find my way out of the painful thinking. One tool she gave me is that it is ok to have strong feelings about the facts but unhealthy to have strong feelings about speculations. Unfortunately easier said than done. It as as Oldwounds said

If only one person has the truth, only one of you knows what the reality of the marriage is. It helped me to have as much of the truth as I could get, so I understood what I was trying to accept.

and therein lies the problem for me. I have so little truth and what she claims is truth does not mach with the few facts that I do have. So the expectation that I should accept the past and leave it there is just extremely difficult because I am being asked to accept the unknown. The logic of that makes no sense to me and so I am stuck in limbo. So the speculations with strong feelings continue and are so far uncontrollable.

I too am on this path without her but not alone when I know there are others like yourself that are here and finding the strength to seek healing and share their stories. Wishing you strength, peace and healing.

[This message edited by IOnceBelieved at 3:56 PM, Friday, April 21st]

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8787906
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BOAZ367 ( new member #82836) posted at 12:12 AM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

Oldwounds and IOnceBelieved, our stories have so much in common. I wish we could private message but we are too new here to do so. I would like to share in more detail.

Oldwounds how did you go from "it was only once to the revalation of 4yr LTA/2yr ETA? I just ordered How to help your spouse heal from your infidelity" recently read Not Just Friends" I was in tears many times. Although my story doesn't have every thing described in this book. Everything I did experience was explained. If only this info was available then, I/we would have experienced a lot less pain.

"IOnceBelieved" our stories are most similar. I hope we can talk privately someday. I've learned so much over the last 6 months from my therapist. She has identified PTSD with depression for me. I suspected this before I contacted her. We both agree that I have to fix Me before I can adress we. My wife is aware of my counseling sessions and was triggered herself by the fact that I shared with strangers our situation. Until recently, to the best of my knowledge and hers the only people that know of the affair are her and I and the AP. One of my biggest fears is that isn't true. Office affairs are usually suspected by coworkers. He was 9 years older and stalked his prey. She by her own admission was a willing participant. We live in a small community and this type of person brags of his conquests. So I cringe at the sight of many people in my community that I know are of the same caliber and also his friends. Many years I would have anxiety in and about town when I would cross paths with these people. On of which later on went to jail for having sex with a minor. Destroyed his family, I feel so bad for his children who are my kids age. There is a special place in hell for these folks

My therapist described some of my thoughts as "Catastrophizing" I think you too may be doing that. Check into Individual counseling for yourself. I would look for someone specializing in Infidelity Trauma, with training in the John Gottman methods. He is a well known researcher in this field.

Be strong my friends.

BOAZ367

posts: 45   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2023   ·   location: East coast
id 8788934
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 1:00 AM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

BOAZ,

I saw you thread around the Cheater’s Handbook and was going to try to PM you and realized we can’t….

I’m sorry you are here but glad you found this thread. You and I have a lot in common. Same age, met our wives and married young, got cheated on within the first 2 years of getting married. I hope that’s all we have in common. A lot of my pain came from where you are now. My WW admitted to cheating on me many years ago (said it was only once but she was already up to 7 APs by then). I forgave her and moved on. Short story (the longer story is in this thread)is I started reflecting on life and thought there were other times "things weren’t right". I asked my WW how many times she had cheated. I literally had to drag it out of her (and still not sure I have it all) but basically positioned it as "I need to know what I am forgiving before I can forgive you. The "mind movies" are horrible and I can’t forgive you without clarity and closure". Now, the scope and length of the affairs were way worse than I imagined. "Be careful what you ask for" comes to mind. Forgiveness is off the table for now. We are currently walking through each year of our marriage (including the cheating) to clarify the details and get into her mindset. What a slow, painful slog.

I have a ton of empathy for you. This shit eats at me every day. I hope you find some answers and some solace.

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8788936
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BOAZ367 ( new member #82836) posted at 4:30 AM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

Oh my! Yes we too share similarities. I feel so bad for you, it being so new and raw. I don't think I could survive your situation. I would probably blow everything up.

In my case we were raised in a small semi rural area with nearby beach resorts. Our parents and grandparents were all acquainted well before my wife and I were born.

Upon my wifes confession, I was frozen, nothing like this ever happened in either of our families. I couldn't speak or share with anyone. Fine with her, she just wanted to put it behind us. She continued employment with him for a few years. To me the affair just continued till she left to be a full time mom. I then began to settle down. Had I learned of other occasions or APs I'm sure I would have gone scorched earth, and burned everything including me.

I was very young then. There's so much help available now. I encourage you to get counseling for yourself. Trauma really sucks.

During this time I was a first responder. Before the infidelity and during, I was front and center to some really graphic and gory stuff. Just shy of 20yrs old I had to put a 4yr old boy, burned beyond recognition it a plastic bag. That fucked me up for a long time. Similar situations followed that and shortly thereafter, I get, I'm sorry I cheated, I fucked my boss. Rug swept for years. Now I'm addressing full on until I'm healed.

No your not a chump. Take control of your situation. Heal you first. Give her the option of participating. It's all about you right now. Fix yourself then try on the marriage.

BOAZ367

posts: 45   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2023   ·   location: East coast
id 8788942
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 1:51 PM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

Oldwounds how did you go from "it was only once to the revalation of 4yr LTA/2yr ETA?

The original confession didn’t make any sense. AP was a family friend. He and his wife (OBS) were the first neighbors we met when we moved to a new state, they were 5-7 years older than us and their kids were older. AP was also a coworker.

Anyway, when the story didn’t make sense, I asked questions and those didn’t make sense.

AP was around quite a bit after the supposed one time happened.

TT is a killer, and I told my wife if we had any chance of getting the M we want, I needed to know what I was being asked to accept, I needed an accounting of the time taken from our M and invested into the A.

Eventually, she understood, and offered the unvarnished truth. I needed that to be able to reassemble what my life and reality actually was versus what I previously thought it was.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8788968
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:45 PM on Saturday, April 29th, 2023

It doesn’t sound like politely requesting the truth is going to be an effective strategy for you. It also doesn’t sound like you both plan to file for D. Of course, your WWs know this, so what are their incentives to come clean? Is it to lead a completely honest, authentic life moving forward? It surely doesn’t sound like this is going to happen.

IMO, your choices are: 1. to either accept that the cheating occurred, that you will never get the complete truth you seek, so the onus is on you to heal yourself through IC, etc.

2. Tell your WWs that you plan on initiating D, because you cannot continue to live in pain, while they continue to lie to protect themselves selfishly. If you plan to go this route, do not try to bluff to get the truth. If you say you plan to D than you need to mean it.

3. Insist that they take a poly to prove that you have the complete truth, which will foster your healing. If they refuse outright, then you are back to deciding between 1 and 2 above.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, May 5th, 2023

to Imachum:
Your situation is so similar to mine except I am the wife who was betrayed after my husband suffered a post COVID induced psychosis and blurted out his past infidelities. I was 70 years old and felt like I had been married to a complete stranger. I knew about one incident in 1990 but he led me to believe it was a one night stand. That was NOT true. This was work related when he was on business in California. He had sex with this woman multiple times, sent her flowers and bought her a gold necklace for Christmas. I found the receipt for the gold necklace and confronted him and he lied profusely. I was totally devasted and it took me years to get over it. Had I known then that he had cheated 17 years out of the first 20 years of our marriage, I would have divorced him then. My emotions are all over the place still. I made a list of pros and cons and oddly enough, the pros slightly outweighed the cons. I don't want to start over at my age. I am an attractive woman and had multiple men approach me throughout the years; however, I thought my marriage was more important than any short personal pleasure. I am very ashamed that I never cheated as I was married to someone who had no respect for me and certainly no respect for marriage. Since his confessions, he has been a wonderful person, but it is way too late for him to ever make up for the way he treated me. Since 1990, he has been basically a companion with benefits. I thought things were better for us by the mid 90os; however, I found out he cheated again in 2000. He said that was the last time he had any physical relations with another woman and that he has been totally faithful since then. His behavior disgusts me. Before his COVID psychosis, he had been sexting with multiple women on Facebook which brought about the whole confession incident after I got his phone and read some of the appalling messages. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for his actions. I made him tell our grown sons about his infidelities. Both of them were very hurt and said they would abide by whatever I wanted them to do. Despite his disrespect for me, he was a loving father and is a wonderful grandfather to our two grandchildren. I really can't give you any advice other than to make your own list of pros and cons. You seem to have been happy with your life when you did not know everything, and your wife has probably been faithful for many years now. My decision was to stay married and use him like he used me for most of our marriage; there is no love on my part and never will be. I have instructions for my sons to place my remains with my parents as I cannot stand the thought of being anywhere near him after death. If he predeceases me, there will be no services as I cannot bear other people telling me how sorry they are for my loss. It will just be the loss of someone who shared a roof with me; he was a lousy prick for most of our marriage. I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8789821
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IOnceBelieved ( new member #82881) posted at 12:57 AM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

BOAZ367 I too would like to chat privately at some point and hopefully we can work that out someway. I have for the first time in my life been seeing a therapist. I also think that I have some PTSD symptoms and depression. My therapist has agreed that I do have mild depression but the PTSD has not been discussed much at this point. I will mention Catastrophizing as I agree that may be something I am doing because with so very little truth I get from her I tend to fill in the blanks and it could be that I am conjuring up MM and stories that are worse than reality. I am hopeful therapy will help and has somewhat but there are times when I leave feeling confused or a little bummed out. My wife also is uncomfortable bordering on jealousy over my counseling. She went to the first session with me but for what ever reason the therapist suggested that I was the one who most needed to work through some things and it has been IC since. This that you said breaks my heart,

Similar situations followed that and shortly thereafter, I get, I'm sorry I cheated, I fucked my boss.

When you most needed her to help you process the horrible things you had to deal with, she instead adds bucket loads of more shit to your life. Just so sorry you had to endure such a horrible set of awful things in your life. You deserved better my friend.

Imachump I have to wonder if your experience of having the reveal and all of that shitty reality is better than the not knowing and endless speculation. I keep thinking if I knew the truth I would have something to work on towards healing but after hearing your take I am wondering if that is a grass is greener notion that is just as bad as where I am now. I truly know your pain brother and hope relief and healing comes to you soon.

Oldwounds I find some solace in the fact that at least some people get to know their life shitty as it may have been and decide how to process it. To recover some semblance of one’s agency is a big win. I am happy for your progress and others with similar stories.

Xcook I also have been going over pro and con lists. And for me too I am still in the relationship and plan to be for now. I am curious about this that you said,

I am very ashamed that I never cheated as I was married to someone who had no respect for me and certainly no respect for marriage.

Are you regretting not giving into your impulses and temptations and having some experiences that he repeatedly had? I sometimes feel cheated in that I passed up opportunities to be with other women because I once believed that fidelity was a foundational piece of our marriage and I did respect that. But now I am wondering if I was just a gullible fool and maybe missed out on experiences I can never get back. I don’t know, it is just all so confusing and painful. I do know that the shitty life he gave you was so undeserved and that you now exist in a loveless relationship is just so sad, my heart goes out to you.

Me: BS 65

Her: WS 60

DDay: June 1986

In R for last 37 years. But anticipating a new DDay from past undisclosed infidelities is coming.

posts: 26   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2023   ·   location: Somewhere between the past and happiness.
id 8789932
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 3:15 AM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

@xcook,

It does sound like we have many similarities and quite frankly, many similar feelings now. I have decided to stay with my WW (at least for now). I was flip-flopping (age, finances and impacts to our extended family all the most impactful considerations) pretty significantly since my D-Days but after my WW was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness in February, that pretty much "sealed the deal" for me. None of our friends or family know about her infidelities and if I leave now, I’m the asshole. Yes, we could tell everyone "why" but she needs to have a "will to live" to have a chance at beating this and despite all she’s done to me, I can’t do that to her.

I can definitively empathize with the thought of a "life wasted" spent with a serial cheater. Finding out so much later brings out thoughts of "what could have been". If she had told me in 1986 she wouldn’t break it off with her EA AP, I could have left and maybe found a "true life" partner. I was only 23…..Shit, just tell me this is the life you want to lead. It would hurt then but I had a looong time to recover. Not like now. One thing you said REALLY stuck out for me:

I am very ashamed that I never cheated as I was married to someone who had no respect for me and certainly no respect for marriage. Since his confessions, he has been a wonderful person, but it is way too late for him to ever make up for the way he treated me

Many BS are proud they have remained true to their vows. The way I see it, our vows became null and void the first time she cheated (a year into the marriage). I spent WAY more energy fighting off easy sex after marriage than I ever spent CHASING it before marriage. I too regret "denying myself" while having to resort to masturbation because my "wife" withheld sex while out getting plenty for herself! After D-Day 1 (while still outright lying to me), my WW asked if I wanted to "renew our vows" I literally laughed at her and said "why? They didn’t work the first time"…

I too feel like any effort now is "too little too late" to recapture any romantic love. "Roommates with benefits" is all I can see. I’m so sorry you are in the place you are. No one deserves this.

@IOB,

You said:

I have to wonder if your experience of having the reveal and all of that shitty reality is better than the not knowing and endless speculation. I keep thinking if I knew the truth I would have something to work on towards healing but after hearing your take I am wondering if that is a grass is greener notion that is just as bad as where I am now. I truly know your pain brother and hope relief and healing comes to you soon.

I’m not gonna lie, I too have asked myself this question many times. Had I known I would get WAY worse info than I suspected and STILL have holes in the story, would I want to know? Ultimately, the answer is "yes". I was in my head and eating myself up inside anyway. The logic of the way she acted at times told me she was likely cheating (turns out every time I suspected, she was. Plus much more when I wasn’t suspecting her). Ultimately, for me I need to know as much of the "reality" of my life, my marriage and who my wife truly is. Even if it isn’t 100% complete, I know a damn sight more across those dimensions than I did. I had my agency stolen and couldn’t make sound decisions. As painful as it is and as much as it is a moral challenge for me, at least I feel I have "enough" information to make informed decisions about my marriage and my future now.

The question of "is it worse to know (even with gaps) or to always wonder (and maybe assume the worst)" is only one you can answer for yourself. Frankly, the "lying/withholding now" is worse to me than the actual cheating (considering the time that has passed). I don’t think my WW is lying now. There are genuine memory issues and maybe some "unethical amnesia" at play. The good news for me is that we have resumed our recovery work and are once again having deep discussions. We are also walking through every year of our marriage in detail with the hopes it triggers some new memories and/or her "state of mind" during the affairs. This is an attempt to get to the "one consistent true snd in-depth story" of her infidelities. If she is telling the truth to the best of her abilities and doing hard introspective work (while dealing with radiation and chemotherapy), that’s really all I can ask for right now.

I wish you solace with however you proceed. There is no "right or wrong" other than what helps you heal.

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8789934
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

@Imachump,
Yes, I do regret not giving in to advances made by other men as my husband made no effort to honor his marriage vows. Apparently, I was a poor judge of character. We married very young; I was still 18 and he was 22. He told me he was done with running around and was ready to settle down; I made the mistake of believing him. Our friends would think we were the perfect Barbie and Ken couple. My close friends know the truth and have been my salvation through the past year since I learned the "whole" truth. He wanted to renew our marriage vows and I told him I would not make the same mistake twice. Although he has been wonderful since March of 2022, I cannot bring myself to have any type of commitment to him. Like you, we are roommates. I do enjoy his company and we share many common interests. I asked myself if I would be happier without him and the answer is no. I would be very lonely and cannot even think of getting involved with someone else. We're in the same boat but there are many of us out there.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8789973
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xcook ( new member #81207) posted at 4:37 PM on Sunday, May 7th, 2023

@Ioncebelieved,
I meant to include you on my response to Imachump. Yes, I do regret not giving in to other men and enjoy the same benefits my husband had which started three years after our marriage. He had his cake and ate it too for the first 30 years of our marriage and it makes me angry that he used me so long. I feel like he stole the best years of my life.

floored

posts: 29   ·   registered: Oct. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Kentucky
id 8789981
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 5:25 AM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

I am wondering if you guys ever get that feeling that somehow you should be over it because it has been so long (even if your knowledge of the events has only recently come to light). I still wonder why my husband chose now to reveal his affair. Guilty conscience only gets me so far…if he was so guilty he could have revealed it over the 7 years of silence. His answer is that he felt very close with me last summer and that is why he told me. This seems absurd because we were actually fighting quite a bit. It seems like there is some detail that I am missing that triggered him. His AP did a drive by at his work last summer so perhaps he was fearing exposure.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8793214
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ImaChump ( member #83126) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

@ Stillconfused2022

You asked:

"I am wondering if you guys ever get that feeling that somehow you should be over it because it has been so long (even if your knowledge of the events has only recently come to light)"

Answering for myself, absolutely not! My life was stolen, my agency was stolen (I would have divorced her had I known when it was going on) and she lied to me then, lied to me for the intervening 18 "cheat free" years and lied to me NOW while trying to "come clean". ALL of this is betrayal IMO. She also refuses to "do the work" to help me heal. So although the actual "interactions" were many years ago, the betrayals have continued and still continue to this day. I am not even close to "being over it" and may still divorce over this yet….

As to why your husband revealed, only he can say. My WW "offered" nothing. It was all me dragging it out of her piece by piece.

Me: BH (61)

Her: UW (60)

D-Days: 6/27/22, 7/24-26/22

posts: 144   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2023   ·   location: Eastern USA
id 8793231
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 3:26 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

Hey Still-

I am wondering if you guys ever get that feeling that somehow you should be over it because it has been so long (even if your knowledge of the events has only recently come to light).

No.

Not at all.

I think that’s why a thread addressing the unique elements of ‘years later’ is so important.

Our brains don’t handle time that way. All of our memories are in the same pile up there in our brains. They get jumbled, lost and hard to get to sometimes, but they are stacked up there in that gray matter up there.

When we discover, all of our flight or flight reactions react to NEW information as if it just happened. And our feelings can’t be pushed aside (well, they can, but it is very unhealthy) until they are fully processed.

In fact, our reality has been messed with far longer than our counterparts who discover infidelity in real time.

Hell, it took me YEARS to put the puzzle back together to figure out the differences between the life I lived and what my life REALLY was.

The timelines eventually converge and we then have enough information to figure out what we want or what we need next.

As to the confession, I don’t think a WS gets bonus points for that, but telling the secret is still far better than NOT telling the secret. At least for me, I prefer knowing, so I can base my choices on what my actually is.

Married 35+ years, together 41+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored.
"It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4699   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8793237
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Woody28 ( new member #83062) posted at 4:38 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

I knew my husband was having an emotional affair for six months and made him move out of the house because of it. He was gone for five months before he moved back home. We had a very good marriage after he came back home. A great marriage. Of course, I asked him then and over the next 23 years if they had ever had sex, and he always told me no. After having a change in our spiritual lives, he decided he would not lie anymore and told me that they did, in fact, have sex. This was 23 years later. He said he knew I would react badly and he was right about that. I have had terrible issues with anger and rage, throwing and breaking things, using foul language, and basically became a person I didn’t know. I’ve seen several therapists. In fact I had my first appointment yesterday with another new one – my seventh. My anger and rage has lessened, although I still continue to have bad days and still have intrusive thoughts, although not as much as I did. It’s been 4 1/2 years since he disclosed the truth. Will my anger ever stop? Will the intrusive thoughts ever stop? Will my bitterness and hatred toward the affair partner ever stop? We even moved away from the area in the hopes that it would help me to get away from her, but my anger and resentment is still there.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Arkansas
id 8793244
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Woody28 ( new member #83062) posted at 4:40 PM on Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

I knew my husband was having an emotional affair for six months and made him move out of the house because of it. He was gone for five months before he moved back home. We had a very good marriage after he came back home. A great marriage. Of course, I asked him then and over the next 23 years if they had ever had sex, and he always told me no. After having a change in our spiritual lives, he decided he would not lie anymore and told me that they did, in fact, have sex. This was 23 years later. He said he knew I would react badly and he was right about that. I have had terrible issues with anger and rage, throwing and breaking things, using foul language, and basically became a person I didn’t know. I’ve seen several therapists. In fact I had my first appointment yesterday with another new one – my seventh. My anger and rage has lessened, although I still continue to have bad days and still have intrusive thoughts, although not as much as I did. It’s been 4 1/2 years since he disclosed the truth. Will my anger ever stop? Will the intrusive thoughts ever stop? Will my bitterness and hatred toward the affair partner ever stop? We even moved away from the area in the hopes that it would help me to get away from her, but my anger and resentment is still there.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Arkansas
id 8793245
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