There are a lot of posts on this topic, this may have already been asked, I apologize if it's repetitive.
When you end an affair how is it not disappointing to give up the excitement a new sexual relationship provides? Do you feel a loss? Is sex with your spouse a let down? Were certain sex acts off limits to your spouse but OK with your AP. If so why?
So it sounds like this all might be new. In the beginning after discovery there are all sorts of confusing parts about the ws’s behavior and there is a tendency to read into their behaviors as meaning they were being inspired more by their ap than their spouse.
In the later parts of recovery, if your ws does the work they will be able to enlighten you why this was this their behavior. It is almost never because the AP was a good choice and it is NEVER about the spouse.
In my own affair, the AP would have been a steep downgrade from my husband.
When most people have an affair, it’s a pain pill. A distraction to numb them from pain. Often it’s perpetuated by dopamine being flooded to the brain. It’s like a gambling addiction. So it’s darkness, not love and light. It’s two people being the lowest forms of their despicable selves.
For many of us it’s being able to pretend to be a better version of ourselves where we don’t have problems and things are all rainbows and unicorns. Propping the whole thing up on lies.
Very rarely is it really about the sex. I say that even though I know that statement for you is an empty consolation when you are still raw with overwhelming emotions.
With all that said I don’t want to miss directly answering your question. It’s an individual answer because I can’t speak for your spouse or any other ws on this part.
For me, I didn’t care about the sex. The irony is often ws don’t. For my husband it was the worst part and for me to say I didn’t even care about it was something he couldn’t reconcile in his mind for a long time.
When it came to the sex, the importance to me was that the AP saw me in a certain way. It was part of keeping the good feelings escalating.
The work of the ws is to build a life they are excited about and make their own happiness their responsibility so they can gain a stronger commitment to having higher character. This comes from needing and wanting healthy things so they can keep that happiness.
I look back at my affair as one of the unhealthiest actions I have ever made in my life and associate nothing good at all with the affair or the AP. I regret it to my core and would take it back if I could. Nothing that my husband did or was caused me to have the affair. I do not remember the sex fondly or even think about the sex at all.
Is this where your wife’s head is at? Probably not yet. Is she thinking about the sex? I doubt it’s her focus, but you should ask her. It’s most common for females to cheat more for emotional reasons.
I can tell from reading your post the issue is likely sex would be what you would be more interested in if you were a weak person who had an affair (which I know you are not) Because it sounds like that is what you are projecting onto the situation.
Often when people picture affairs it’s about hot sex, but the people who think that are usually not having affairs.
The people who have affairs do it out of numerous things being broken inside themselves. Sex on its own is typically not a big enough motivator to break their integrity.
If your wife did things with him she doesn’t do with you it’s likely because of dark unhealthy desperation rather than something they actually enjoy doing. She was being transactional, likely if she now does it with you she is still being transactional. What is she wanting to her in return for doing something she probably doesn’t enjoy? Because believe me, if she enjoyed it she would have been doing it with you all along.
[This message edited by hikingout at 6:38 AM, Friday, March 3rd]