I'm writing in hopes of seeking some guidance and comfort. Thanks to modern technology, about 6 weeks ago I found out my wife (married for 3 years / together for 10) has been lying, hiding, and covering things up about a relationship with her male co-worker.
I caught her lying about where she was/ who she was with one night, and immediately cross referenced her text messages with me and her phone records over the last few months. I confronted her head on about my suspicions and in the moment she admitted to lying to me about 6-7 things over the last few months. The bummer is, I only had access to the last two months of our cell phone records, and I only asked her about 6-7 things specifically...so who knows how long ago this really all started.
Basically, she admitted to going to dinner / lunch with this guy on several occasions while I was traveling or not with her, admitted to lying to me about who she was or wasn't with, and also admitted to one instance where I was out of town and he came over for a drink late one night and "fell asleep" watching a movie, and didn't leave until the next morning. I blew up on her, was raging with anger, sadness, frustration, insecurity, etc. She has repeatedly told me over and over again that she has never cheated on me, they never kissed, nothing ever happened and that he is "just a friend". As far as me asking her if anything physical ever happened, she swore on her father's grave, God, her nieces & nephews, etc (the most highly regarded people in her life). that nothing has ever happened and again, he's "just a friend".
My wife immediately left the house we are currently staying at the night of confrontation. Through text messages, she insisted that we go to couples counseling with a husband / wife team, which we immediately did. I first went to see the husband and she first went to see the wife. I told my side of the story, she told her's. We've since then only gone to together to two sessions (both within the first two weeks after I discovered this). Both sessions together she was extremely angry at me telling me / counselors have she suddenly feels empowered, liberated, and validated in her feelings. She has repeatedly said how she is sooooo annoyed by the fact that I am "hyper-focused" on the situation with her and her co-worker because it has "absolutely nothing" to do with the real issues of our relationship (which are "how difficult I am to deal with" and "how I blow up at her over the smallest things" how "much romance our life is lacking" etc. She has since then gone to see a different counselor on her own, and has not been able to "coordinate her schedule" to make a couples session work with all of us together. However, I have since been continuing to go by myself with the male counselor one on one and just two-weeks ago, told my side of the story and situation with her "friend" to both the husband and wife counselors together, for the first time (my wife was not there). When the wife counselor heard my side of the story, things drastically changed with their advice on what I should / shouldn't be doing. They originally told me to give my wife her space, continue counseling both on my own and together, and see if I could "win her back" by romancing her and showing her the kind side of me she fell in love with. After I filled them both in on things together with my wife there, they told me to do a cold 180 on her, which has really turned the tables so to speak.
I'll say this about my wife, we've been together for 10 years, yes we bicker, no we don't go on dates enough, no we aren't intimate enough together, but I honestly believe we were trucking along well. We laugh together, travel together, love each others families and friends...I feel as if it's really not some god-awful relationship my wife is making it out to be. I truly believe my wife is in a full blown defense mode, she's projecting, denying, and validating herself in her own mind in every way possible that she can. My wife very rarely admits when she's in the wrong, and I think she is completely panicked about looking bad to friends / family, especially since she has always been one to preach faithfulness, honesty, and commitment to marriage forever, no matter what. It's like I'm dealing with an entire different person all together right now.
But, the bottom line is this. This all happened 6 weeks ago, she's shown not a shred of remorse, only some initial guilt the few days after this happened which then turned into extreme anger toward me and has continued for nearly 6 weeks now.
The icing on the cake, we have been building a new home over the last 4 months. I had to go to the closing with her last Friday and sign papers so she could move in there with while we "work things out". She's told me that her other male co-worker (not the OM, but the friend / co-worker she's been staying with temporarily) is going to move into our new home in Dec for a few months to help pay the rent. I will say, I know this guy well, he's a good dude, I'm not at all threatened by him, I go golfing with him and hang out fairly often. His lease just happens to be up this month and my wife can't afford the new place on her own right now (I'm certainly not paying for her to live in OUR brand new home with another guy).
Lastly, I asked my wife about two weeks ago if she has been continuing to hang out with her work "friend", her reply was "We have hung out in a social setting, yes."
So, she's trying to play this off like he's just a friend, she's trying to make this all about how awful I've been to her. She's isolated herself from all our friends, she's booked a trip "by herself" over Thanksgiving weekend because she "needs her space and alone time" and she been extremely angry with me anytime I bring anything up that might put her in a bad light in any way, shape, or form.
I know what's going on here, I'm not an idiot...I know she has crossed the line with this guy, whether it's emotionally or physically. I know she's continuing to hang out with him, she's disrespecting me and her only concern right now is not looking bad in front of others. I'm just wondering if anyone has had a similar situation with their spouse, and how they handled it. Right now, I can say that I'm not certain at all that I want to make this work. Not only because of the things she lied to me about with her "friend", but because of how poorly she is handling all of this and how far out of her way she is going to not look like the bad guy here. Adn for what it's worth too, this creep she's been hanging out with is registered on AshleyMadison 's website...I'm sure he's a real genuine guy (he's single too btw).
All that being said, I have turned a corner over the last few weeks and I've felt really good about myself given the situation. I've been going to church, continuing weekly counseling on my own, reading books, praying, volunteering, etc. Any conversations I have with her are very matter of fact for the time being. No emotions involved, no anger, no insecurities, just keeping myself together. As soon as I started doing the 180 on her, she's backed off the anger a little bit, and has started asking me questions like "I'm not sure where your heads at right now, do you plan on telling other people that I've moved in the house and you're not for the time being". I think she's starting to question what I'm up to, who I have told what to etc.
Any advice or insight is much appreciated, thanks y'all.