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I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


reallylost ( member #18185) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

I haven't been here in wh was caught by me and a keylogger when I thought we were reconciling..first of all I am like most of you..I was totally devoted to my xwh and thought he was even more devoted to me. It was shocking the magnitude of the hurt and betrayal I felt and still struggle with daily..on 2nd dday he walked away from me and our daughter and my other two children after 15 years together. I can't seem to get over this at all ..i have lost 40 pounds, about to lose my house...just lost my job 3 weeks ago and I don't know where to go or what to do..i can't tell my family ..who all live away from here and all of my friends are tired of seeing me like this..I can't fail my can I get over this..he is gone and seems wasn't about leaving us for another woman was all the women he could flirt with and have cyber relationships with and a few real ones now too.

God, I just want the paing to stop!

Me: 47
WS: 38
Married: 11 years
divorce final: 11/19/08
3 children: d25, d21(autistic),d8(ours together)
divorce final: 11/19/08

posts: 166   ·   registered: Feb. 13th, 2008   ·   location: KY
id 3614747

reluctant ( member #21124) posted at 1:18 PM on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009


My question is when you have a spouse who had a EA and was on the computer as much as he was how do you ever not let the computer become a trigger for you in other relationships?

Good question. You are not alone. The computer (or phone) is the medium of pain for us. It is hard. FWH and I are R and the computer and phone still trigger me every day. I guess it is getting better. I don't check so much anymore. It's getting boring to be honest because there is nothing there.

I don't think I'm out far enough from dday to give you an answer, but I wanted you to know we are all listening.

Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

posts: 192   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2008
id 3637894

reluctant ( member #21124) posted at 1:27 PM on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009


So terrible when WS chases the fantasy. You are having a really tough go of it right now. Hugs to you.

Why can't you tell your family? You need support right now. Do they even know you are divorced? If so, haven't they asked why? You don't have to hide his stupid, dirty secret. You didn't do anything wrong and you needn't feel ashamed.

Do you have anyone who can help you process the hurt and betrayal? Maybe a minister, since I see you are also in money troubles. You really need face time with someone who cares.

Married 13y, together 17y
EA, Oct '07 to Sept '08
Dday 4/25/08 & 9/21/08 & 10/20/08
OW-a mother/daughter team of husband stealing lobby leaches
NC since 9/7/08, In R

posts: 192   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2008
id 3637911

sofresh ( member #22912) posted at 9:53 PM on Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

What was an emotional affair for me after D day became a PA...I DON"T GET IT...I am sure this is very rare but does anyone know what this is like...I guess she know she doesn't want a relationship now...and he's still in the fog and doesn't know what to do!!!!!!!!

I can't talk with him, but I want hiw to stop demonizing me and see that I can be as caring as her I am trying to make "love deposits".

But we've agreed he has to live somewhere else.

ME BW 30 & DS 14 mos.
STBXWH 38 sociopath, SA living with OW 25
D day #1
4 F/R's and corresponding D days
For unhealthy relationships, Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, don't cry because it happened”

posts: 630   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2009   ·   location: NY
id 3639535

nova18 ( member #23177) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

I guess I don't have to tell anyone on this thread that there is no such thing as an emotional affair that is only an emotional affair. An emotional affair is just extended verbal foreplay to a sexual affair. When I discovered evidence of what I thought was my husband's emotional affair, I became physically and psychologically devastated. Just the thought of him discussing my shortcomings as a wife,his buying things for her, talking about things that he only talked about when we were dating--all those things depressed me to the point that I had to see a therapist and go on a regimen of antidepressants.

That was almost 4 years ago. After suffering lies about what else they did, and getting a few trickle truths, we decided to try to reconcile and I thought we were making progress.Fast forward to one month ago. My unresolved demons made me go to his computer while he was at a meeting and play around with the mouse until I located some of his documents. I had no idea what I would find, so i just clicked on one harmless document after another until something strange caught my eye. It was a copy of an e-mail that he had apparently sent to her during their so-called "emotional" affair. Why he saved the copy,I don't know;I guess God in his infinite wisdom decided that it was time to stop him from making a fool fo me. The contents of the e-mail suggested that they has been sleeping together, and that he was even going to find a place where they could do their nasty thing without being caught. If you have ever heard, felt, or imagine seeing your heart beating in your chest, them you know what seeing these words meant. I wanted to print the letter to show him when he got home, but the printer wouldn't work, so I just sat in front of the screen for about 20 minutes until he came home. You wouldn't believe how he tried to lie and explain the e-mail, but I told him to cut the bullshit and just for once in his disgusting, depraved life tell the truth.

He did,the PA did happen during the supposed EA--so he lied from jump street about not screwing the skank.

It was then, that I decided that R was out of the question, and asked him for a divorce. For the first time in his lowdown life, I believed he really understood what he would lose if I divorced him, so he begged forgiveness and asked me to remember how long we had been together(30+years) no less. I told him being together that long did not stop him from screwing the skank so why should it stop me from leaving his ass? I decided to let him stay, but he is having hell to pay for lying to me and thinking he could get away with it. I don't love him, he probably knows it, but the alternative(having his dirty laundry aired in the town) is something that would literally destroy him. So folks, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...

Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

posts: 171   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009
id 3690706

snowboardgirl ( new member #23194) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

Oh wow, I'm glad there is a thread on this board addressing this issue.

A little background, things have been tough for me personally for the last eight months. I lost my job, which was really a blow to my self-esteem. In the last two weeks or so, I've done things to make myself feel better such as doing work around the house, working out, going snowboarding, ect. I've even lost weight which makes me feel even better.

The OW is WH's co-worker. I know her and we've done things together. We still do things together. In the last few months, they have texted back and fourth too much. Sometimes as much as 50 times. I told him I thought this was excessive. He says it is all professional and he'll cut down. The texts aren't as excessive now, however, I am still suspicious. I know they have gone to dinner at least three times and numerous lunches. I asked him why he hangs out with her so much, he says "we are good friends".

She's also in a relationship. Her husband is in the army reserves and isn't around much from what I understand. She admitted to my WH that she's having trouble in her own marriage. That raised a huge red flag to me. While out with his co-workers last week, it came out how frustrated he was at work, and I was concerned. I had no idea.

As for now, I'm keeping my eyes open. He still says he loves me, shows affection, ect. Some days it seems like he's not there. He doesn't confide in me much anymore. It hurts. I'm just focusing on myself and trying not to worry so much :(

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2009
id 3691542

nova18 ( member #23177) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, March 13th, 2009

to 2yrs in the dark;

read my post(nova18) It is self explanatory. What you need to do is look for evidence; it took me all of none months to find out about the EA and three yrs. to find out it was also a PA. Check his computer or get a device or someone you can trust to "hack" into his e-mail;look for pictures(myWS was such acamera buff, he took digital pictures of the skank(not porno types0 but pics of her on the job, at some after school function, and finally at her house where she and daughter skank gave him surprise birthday party (I wasn't invited) All of this was transferred to a Cd that I FOUND in his junk drawer and put in my laptop and viewed. Does anyone need the help of an up and comingPI? I can find a needle in a haystack

Me: BS
Him:Sociopath/narcissist who specialized in going after divorcees willing to sleep with a married man

posts: 171   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2009
id 3696238

rivergirl81 ( member #22899) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Glad to have found this thread. I caught my WH by using a voice-activated recorder under his car seat. Found conversations in which he tells her to "think about what they have," "I love you TOO," "be careful, honey," (on her way to work as I drive off on icy roads with daughter).....In one he makes fun of me and tells her how much he hates coming back to the "cell" (our home). Talk about a kick in the gut. He met her at the gym while I was working a second job to pay college tuition for oldest child. Jeez! WH swears that they "haven't had sex" so therefore he's innocent. And his anger!! OMG - he gets furious when I bring it up. I have had to go on antidepressants, and am strong for the most part, but every so often I just lose it, want to stay in bed all day and let life go on without me.

BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

posts: 116   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2009   ·   location: the South
id 3719280

lonelyheart80 ( new member #23299) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

I am officially apart of the EA group....for now!Found out a month ago...and there have been a lot of bumps in this road. I found e-mails and phone records and even contacted the OW. I think she was sugar coating everything to save her butt and his!!! We are trying to work through this. This is hard and the WORST!!! I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone! IT HURTS AND MAKES U FEEL SELF-WORTHLESS. I hope the shoe (PA) doesn't drop, because if it does...IT IS OVER, NO EXCEPTIONS!!! I HATE HIM FOR THIS!!!! My story is on my profile....


posts: 2   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2009   ·   location: north carolina
id 3719577

lotus1 ( member #22763) posted at 3:36 AM on Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

My FWH's A started with a PA which was brief. Only lasted through the month of April 08. Then due to suspicions by Skank Ho's BH and her losing her job (she worked with FWH), they no longer had access to each other daily.

I will say this, the PA was hurtful but the EA was devastating! The crap that I had to read between the two of them during their EA, was incredibly painful! I read things that FWH wrote to her adnauseum that he rarely if ever said to me. Then to know that they e-mailed each other dozens of times a day was also hurtful..

I can so relate to the pain of an EA but I did also have to deal with the details of the PA.

(((hugs))) to you all. Lotus1

posts: 161   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2009
id 3720841

peanut ( new member #23407) posted at 5:15 PM on Saturday, March 28th, 2009

Hi, I was here a year ago..we went to counseling, he went on medication, transparency and honesty was promised. He was doing all the right things. My father became ill and I had to move 3 months ago, a couple thousand miles away to take care of him. Husband cannot not come with me right away except for visits, due to work and adult step-children in school. He started accusing me of talking to an ex (which I haven't)...first red flag. I started looking at his email, found two deleted messages on facebook, one from a "friend" and another from a female from the past he was friends with. He deleted the messages, did not tell me about them, but they were in his delete file in his email account not on facebook. This is what one of them said - "

Thank you so much for the encouragement this morning. I feel like I can take a deep breath and start over. Praise God for friends in Christ who listen to the Father. I love you brother." This is a woman I have expressed concern to him about his contact with over the past year. In checking phone logs, several calls from him to her and her to him.

Also one call 1 min in duration to OW's work that he had an EA with for two years (one admitted kiss)...Over the last year if he had to call her workplace he told me he was calling and why, there are two secretaries there. Up to January there has been no contact that I know of. He also told me he was having daily contact with his ex, her father just died a month ago, and the call log shows that...

Oh and I also found a nasty crotch shot of OW still in his email from 2 yrs ago when he told me in counselling that he deleted all pictures of her. (I forwarded it to myself along with the deleted email).

So here I sit, do I say something or not, hard to check it out properly when I am away. I am going for a visit in 3 weeks for a week. Should I wait and do some checking when I am there or try to confront over the phone? Any thought would be appreciated

BS(ME):43 - F(?)WH:42
DDay#1 9/07 DD#2 1/12/08, Together 3, Married 2
EA (PA - only a kiss...) While dating, engagement and 1st yr of marriage. OW married with children.
Thought we made it through this...Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2009   ·   location: Canada
id 3728879

Cally60 ( member #23437) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, March 30th, 2009

This is for snowboardgirl.

What you have written could be my story. The coworker, the text messages, and the claim that the exchanges are all about work, the shared lunches and the lack of communication with me.

When I managed to access my husband's private messages, I learned that he was in a full-blown emotional affair, with declarations of love on his part, innumerable embarrassing private details about me and our home life revealed to her, and so on. I think you need to trust your instincts. The amount of contact they are apparently having is too much for mere coworkers.

Do not believe them when they say it is all work-related. That's what my husband's hypocritical coworker claimed in an email to me, too, when I wrote and challenged her on their inappropriate relationship. (She didn't know that by the time I wrote to her I had read the entire text of the intimate online messages they had been exchanging for months.) Let this coworker confide the details of her marital problems to a female friend, or a single man, as is appropriate - not a married man. If it were me, I would tell her to do just that. Even if it were all innocent (and I am sure it is not) that would still be a more appropriate course of action for her.

If the number of text messages is reduced, my guess is that they have found some other way (or time) to communicate. Does he have MSN? A Skype account? Another phone? Go hunting. Please don't accept their denials any longer. If my experience is anything to go by, they are not worth the screens they're written on.

posts: 2478   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2009   ·   location: California
id 3732630

humboldtmom ( member #21569) posted at 3:26 AM on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

I've never posted here before, as the main betrayal to me was PA. But as the fog cleared, FWH revealed that there were beginnings of EA's with coworkers!

I thought that he had a PA (or a few) with coworkers due to his suspicious behavior. I didn't know what an EA was yet, but sure saw the red flags.

FWH started a new job in the midst of the PA and it was bad from the start. I was pregnant and he refused to wear his wedding ring to work, never introduced me to any coworkers, and would get extremely upset if I ever showed up at his work. He actually yelled at me when I brought him dinner and quickly got walked outside by him. He told me one night that he had gone out to get food with a female coworker (almost all were female anyway) and "It was so cool; she just grabbed my ipod and turned up the volume and blasted music in my car just like I would've done!" Jealousy immediately. "WTF was she doing in your car??" And I got all the lines how I'm just insecure and overly jealous. Duh. Cuz he was cheatin!

Anyway, text and picture messages were the next clue He was getting nasty messages and pictures that made me sick to my stomach as well as a lot of personal messages. He was also going out nights w/ coworkers that he wouldn't even introduce me to.

Post-PA, he admitted that at least 3 of these girls liked him. He didn't want them to get close, as he has a fear of intimacy. As soon as they would send him signals of "more than a friend" he would start distancing himself.

But MY instincts were right on! The last "beginning EA" was stopped in its tracks when I called the OW. WH had lied about her many ways, many times, and was working hard at covering it up. But I was keeping meticulous tabs on phone and text records. (I wrote down all his texts to me, then later compared them to online records. Found a few texts when he told me he was "sleeping" during his break at work, then nonstep texted the OW. *in his sleep apparently.*) After I called her, she was surprised that our marriage was going good. Apparently he had told her we were "separating" and yet told me we were "reconciling." She didn't stay in touch much after that!

Me xBS
STBXWH - 1.5yr PA (with my sister, RIP) and now MOW#2
Together 19y Married 16y, now divorced and XWH and MOW are married
3 children: 16, 14, 7
D-Day 9/2008, 7/2015

posts: 347   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2008
id 3733457

gettingskinny ( member #23380) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

My WH says his A was EA....totally denies PA. He met up with OW on a business trip. I still dont believe it was only an EA...

He is a cake eating, fence sitter and I am just trying to keep breathing...

posts: 63   ·   registered: Mar. 25th, 2009
id 3734915

iamsurviving ( member #23478) posted at 2:40 AM on Sunday, April 5th, 2009

I too am recovering from an EA over 18 months ago. Found over 90 emails from him to her and her to him. Recently found out there were phone calls as well back and forth and there were also gifts at Christmastime. Been up and down so much I feel like I'm on a bad roller coaster ride. Been trying to reconcile since I found out (Dec. 07) and he's very cooperate, very caring of my feelings (now), very helpful, is willing to talk and explain everything to me. But we've been married 40+ years and I feel like someone took a knife and cut my heart out - having bumps in the road today as I found 15 more emails he thought he deleted from his email. We found them together. Not a good day but still willing to make it work. She took worked in his office and has recently left (hopefully for good). Keep the faith and keep trying - ask all the questions you feel you can handle - I too need to know everything - don't want any more surprises - feel like I've been in the dark long enough. Hope you have a great day tomorrow and brighter days ahead.

Me: BS (68)
Him: WH (72)
Married: 48 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

posts: 307   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2009
id 3744682

ARmom ( member #16143) posted at 4:16 PM on Wednesday, April 8th, 2009

Nova18 - I disagree. My FWH's EA occurred with an old college flame who was 1200 miles away the entire time. They never met in person - this is verifiable.

And yet, it was still devastating to our marriage. They were in contact 24 hours a day. My FWH became addicted to IM and webcam. He even moved out of our bedroom. We were talking divorce. In the end I found over 300 emails and hours and hours of IM transcripts and a phone card account.

I do not think a PA could have been any more devastating. It finally ended when I told him I was done, and he could pack his shit and leave to be a weekend father. It finally flicked the switch in his head that he was an addict.

BUT - the idea that there is NO such thing as "only" an EA is simply not true. It discounts the devastation of online affairs.

posts: 911   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2007   ·   location: Small Town AR
id 3752480

azbasset ( new member #23560) posted at 4:23 PM on Friday, April 10th, 2009

I am so grateful to have this topic. My H had an EA with a co-worker for at least a year. During this time, he kept telling me I was an insecure, jealous b*tch...gee, I guess my radar was working. The constant barrage from him of me being the problem (before I became aware of the REAL problem) took a real toll on me...I truly began to believe I was a psychotic, insecure, jealous bi*ch!! I am finally getting my strength back to realize I am like any other wife and woman out there...we do have a sense when things just aren't right. I am struggling with his "I didn't do anything" attitude. It is the loss of respect for him as a human being and the absolute NO TRUST of him that are hard to resolve. Should I have my own EA???

posts: 5   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2009
id 3757886

Cally60 ( member #23437) posted at 2:19 AM on Saturday, April 11th, 2009

My H had an EA with a co-worker for at least a year. During this time, he kept telling me I was an insecure, jealous b*tch...gee, I guess my radar was working.

Exactly! My husband said I was jealous and controlling, too. I have the log of his EA with a coworker and in that he complained about my jealousy! Well duh....

>> I get a lot of grief from Cally, about all the girls that I have to work with. She doesn't seem to realize that they have no interest in a man old enough to be their father. << (Note: no comment on the fact that HE might have an interest in THEM!) Then later he apologized to her:

>> Sorry too many years of living with an extremely jealous woman <<

Oh the irony of it!

Too right I was jealous - of the "just a friend" OW in particular. Because, like so many other SI posters, I felt in my gut that there was something wrong.

I wouldn't have your own EA. Why lower yourself to the same level?

[This message edited by Cally60 at 8:21 PM, April 10th (Friday)]

posts: 2478   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2009   ·   location: California
id 3759137

snowdrop ( member #23594) posted at 7:46 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2009

I'm very new here...I'm glad I've found this bit. I am yeet another BW who was told she was imagining things, that the problem was all hers (we moved to a new area, and apparently I hadn't made friends fast enough, couldn't handle my new job, oh, anything to make me feel bad and start trying hard to be a 'better' more loving wife!Meanwhile, whilst I'm making lots of extra effort, he's off working very hard....or not, as it turned out...)

Oh, yes, and that I was horrible for not wanting to let him help this poor, struggling woman, he was just..wait for it...'being a friend' to her.

Me: BW, 38
WH: 37
2 DS
DDays:first one was Feb 09.
Separating, after 18 months of trying to R.

posts: 206   ·   registered: Apr. 12th, 2009   ·   location: UK
id 3761836

liarswife ( new member #23347) posted at 8:37 PM on Sunday, April 12th, 2009

I hate that everyone here has had to hurt so much but it makes me feel so much better knowing I am not the only person out there going through this. It has been two years this month for the one and then a few weeks back I found emails on his computer confessing his love to a coworker...but "it was love of a friend." Ha Ha! for 10 years... I feel so stupid! But this site really to all out there who is hurting and Happy Easter!

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2009
id 3761897
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