SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I can't believe it's been almost four years already.

I feel for you freshies. I've come to find that ours is truly a unique situation that not many fully understand or relate to. Few get to experience abrupt and utter rejection followed by total abandonment. Usually the cheater offers at least some appearance of caring about you, although this tends to drag things out. Comfort yourself with the thought that one day these feelings will be completely gone and you'll both cringe at and feel nostalgia for this period of your life. This is the pain of being forged by fire. Our exes gave us a ripe opportunity to reset ourselves and we can come out on the other end much better than before. Most of the others here are forced to experience months, sometimes years, of the emotional rollercoaster, always worrying what the person sleeping next to them is thinking, wanting, dreaming about. We don't have to deal with that.

AbandonedGuy & all who have posted so far on this thread:

I am half through reading the posts on this thread and it has been so very helpful

Following your journey and seeing your progress has given me incredible amount of hope for my future

So thank you all for posting and sharing your stories

Knowing that my husband of 25 years rejected me and is now loving someone else is too painful to bear

But I hope I, too, will have a success story to share on this thread one day

It seems impossible but I have to keep hoping and trying……

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 7:45 PM, Friday, May 20th]

It seems impossible but I have to keep hoping and trying……

It's still early for you. Get as much NC as you can. I was brutal and cut contact with anyone that still was in her life. I know you can't do this totally since you share adult children, but you can tell them you don't want to hear about your xwh or his ap. I really couldn't tell you what she was doing in the first few years post divorce. I made it clear even before we were divorced that I wasn't going to be her friend. If it wasn't divorce related, I ignored any form of contact from her, her friends, and family. You should do the same with your ex. Limit his access to you to just to what is neccesary conversations for your children. Like if one of them is in the hospital, not what to do for a birthday. Your children can deal with each of their parents on their own.

I think a lot of us keep the hopium trickling through. That may be just may be they'll come to their senses and come back to us. That keeps us pondering the what ifs more than if they had died. The husband you thought you had did die. He was replaced by the selfish asshole who was capable of hurting you more than anyone else. Try using that to shift your mindset.

You compromise a lot in marriage. You tend to concentrate on what both enjoy. Find those things that you wanted to do but wasn't what worked while being married. I started doing things I'd let go of due to lack of time while married. Things I enjoyed but she didn't. For me that was darts and disc golf. I had stopped playing much at all after the first few years of marriage. Concentrate on finding those old things or even new ones that bring you joy. Reconnect with old friends that drifted away. Reconnect with family. Travel. I took my first cross country trip post separation, first flight actually, and visited old friends on the other side of the country. Keep your focus on moving forward instead of reminiscing of the past.

Doing all that in addition to taking care of the house and dogs as a single person instead of part of a team kept me moving so much I didn't have much time to dwell on being rejected. Doing what made me happy and not dwelling on the past made me much more attractive when I did start seriously dating again.

AbandonedGuy,

Thank you so much for that perspective. Sometimes I wonder if my cheater will ever come crawling back to me, then I am remember things like how he deleted all his photos of us together off of his IG going back 8 years. However what you describe below - attempting R with a cheater, and in my case was manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive, and a downright liar - sounds like absolute hell. I am going to save this thought to my own little personal healing library on my phone.

Nyc

I have the same problem of hoping ex will come back

My longings resurface especially when I see him and he shows "remorse" and tells me how sorry he is and how he fucked up a good thing

When things aren’t going well with the AP he will text me to tell me how great I am etc

Those words keep me hooked

I know in my head he’s no good

He was never good

But I just can’t detach

So so hard

Reading the posts on this thread has been helpful

I hope you and I will have success stories to share one day soon

Hang in there and stay strong!

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 2:38 PM, Saturday, May 21st]

DailyGratitude,

I hope you are staying strong too. May I gently suggest that you try to not respond to your WH? It sounds like you are keeping him in cake by replying/have a strong case of hopium. The book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" really helped me sort through this mess and put me in the right mindset to try to move forward (even if my progress only feels like baby steps). I would definitely recommend it if you haven't read it yet.

Mine hasn't contacted me at all for anything aside from trying to say hi at a friend's wedding, I gave him the Heisman (literally) and didn't speak to him at all. If he ever texts me my response will be something along the lines of "you treated me like dogshit, why on earth would I want to talk to you" - if I even respond at all.

For me, if my cheater came crawling back to me, it would be more of an "I told you so" before kicking him to the curb again. It's a fun fantasy that I kind of clinged to before I found out he was still with his AP that is now not likely to happen. When I get frustrated that he has moved on, yet I don't trust men because of what he did to me (or even trust my own judgement right now), I just try to remember that these are two sick people that ultimately deserve each other because of their disgusting behaior.

NYCchump:
Thank you for the book recommendation. I’ve listened to Leave a Cheater on audio book many times and LOVED it. It has given me much clarity.

I am having a hard time letting go because i don’t want him to be happy with another woman. He was supposed to be mine for life, you know? I have a problem accepting my new reality. I can’t believe this happened. I wish I could go back and do things differently. Yes, this is total hopium. Sigh.

I spent the last few days reading through this whole thread. This definitely seems like a lonely club but it was so encouraging to see many here pick up the pieces and move forward with their lives over the years. It gives me hope my xWBF and his AP will some day be a distant memory as it has become for many here.

Something the1stwife said recently really struck a chord to my situation - they cheat because it is the easy way out. I think this is SO true with my xWBF - he's had it easy his whole life. Smart, funny, athletic - I remember his mom telling me once that when he was in high school he would goof off, not pay attention, and distract the other students in his class. She would be called in to the school and point out that his grades were fine and the teachers couldn't argue. No consequences. He's from a state where if you have a high school GPA above a certain number you can automatically get into any of their very good state universities. So easy. This man has never done anything difficult in his life and probably never will. Me kicking him out of our home was the first time he ever encountered anything remotely resembling a consequence of his actions.

NYC

If you haven’t read this thread below, I highly recommend it. I discovered it yesterday and it is so good. Wish I had known about it earlier.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/361740/great-posts-for-newbies-to-read-/?ap=1

Below is an excerpt from the thread about cheaters who leave:

When they leave, they aren't running from the marriage - they're running from themselves. Some people have the narcissistic notion that they are spotless white knights or pure maidens and they can't go back to what they destroyed because they would have to face themselves and put in the effort to make it right. Romantic relationships are often idealized in that we will get what we want without putting in the effort required. However, the status of a relationship is simply the output of what is invested in it. Couple this with the devaluation of the faithful spouse that the wayward spouse cultivates and it is easy to see why. Leaving the marriage offers the path of least resistance for them and the easiest way to deal with the mess they have created -by starting fresh and denial of the truth.

[This message edited by DailyGratitude at 3:35 AM, Thursday, June 2nd]

DG - excellent quote. The part about not being able to face themselves is very true I think.

I'm still finding it hard to internalize this though, especially on "down" days like the one I had today. Sometimes it's hard to focus on how much better off you are without a cheater/liar/narcisisst/abuser in your life and just feel like a victim or second-guess that what happened is ultimately for the best because it got that horrible person out of your life.

I hope you are doing well DG!

Understand the situation of the cheating spouse leaving for the AP.

I post this story often b/c it’s a true story AND gives you some idea of wayward thinking.

H is cheating in his wife with a co-worker. H divorced his wife and married his co-worker trophy wife. He had no idea the hell he was entering.

She requires extensive dermatology visits to keep up her appearance.

She is a full blown alcoholic.

She tries to be the "super step mom" but his kids just tolerate her. She throws $ at her "step kids" (who are all adults) thinking she’s doing something positive. They accept the $ and tolerate her.

The H is miserable!!!!! He’s made a HUGE Mistake! But his ego won’t let him admit his second wife is making his life a living hell. If she’s hungover and they have plans and she can’t make it, HE has to cancel. He cannot be out of her sight b/c after all, he a known cheater. And shes afraid he will cheat in her.

So don’t believe the CS/AP relationship is what it appears to be. Most second marriages that start as affairs don’t last. Geez I wonder why?!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:53 AM, Saturday, June 25th]

Women who sleep married men lack morals, values, and character. And the affair relationship is built on lies and deception. Hence, i can understand it falling apart. But what about the subsequent ones? I hate to think that my ex could have a wonderfully happy relationship with someone else. It’s not that i wish him unhappiness. It just breaks me to imagine him being happy with another woman when that woman was supposed to me.
I know I shouldn’t care about his future and I ought to focus on my own life…. But my mind goes there sometimes.

I can't really speak to how high maintenance my xWBF's AP was/is, all I know is that if she was aware that he had a long term, live-in GF at the time she's just as horrible of a person as he is and they deserve each other and whatever anxiety they put each other through due to the fact each has shown to each other that they are untrustworthy/have no morals.

As far as future partners go, I have to imagine any respectable person would eventually go running in the opposite direction. At least in my situation, basically none of our mutual friends speak to my ex anymore after what he did, particularly those that live in NYC and had observed over the last few years how he had been treating me. If this woman had any sense whatsoever, she would be wondering why he has no friends in a city he's lived in for 5 years, why she will have to travel to meet his friend group, and so on. Eventually the red flags will pop up, the new person will have suspicions, and the waywards' lies will keep on haunting them because they can't tell the truth. If that's ok with someone, as I said, they deserve each other.

Ah, the "if I ever run into the WS again" fantasy. I used to play that one. Eventually, as I accepted the WHX as the scumball he actually is, and not the Prince Charming he pretended to be, my vision of that encounter evolved. Now, I wouldn't want to hear one word he had to say, no matter what it would be. I'd just want to run him over with my car (as long as there were no witnesses).

But seriously, I'm more or less over what he did to me. I became a better person after we ended. But the way he changed my youngest DS for life still has me pissed. Thus, the vehicular homicide fantasy persists.

As a result of all of the f*ckery the WXH pulled, I'm stronger. I now have common sense. And standards. Very high standards of what types of behavior I will put up with and what I won't. And I no longer pretend to be a ditzy female. I'm smart, I know it, and I'm not afraid to use my brain to get ahead.

But recovering from the A and the fact that the WXH married his OP has changed my relationships for the better. I mean my relationships with EVERYBODY. Family. Friends. Co-workers. Even romantic relationships.

New here, you can check my story in JFO.

I've read through most of this thread and can truly sympathize what everyone has gone through. The shock of your love/confidant/best friend throwing a bomb into your life and just walking away to the AP a week later is pain I never thought I'd know. I'm only one month out, and it wasn't even me discovering, she brought it up out of nowhere and said she was out. It is a long-term affair (18+ months), and the level of deceit needed to pull it off is mind-blowing.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been through this can ever completely understand. The worst part, for now, is WW doesn't seem to be bothered in the least by anything (well maybe a bit by her two adult sons not speaking to her); she's in her new "happy place". I always knew she wasn't the most empathetic person, but the rose colored glasses of a near thirty year marriage hid how truly bad she is in that regard.

Troutman
Sorry you are here.
It’s devastatingly painful to be deceived, lied to, and ultimately discarded for someone else.
Your wife seems to be in la la land. Soon enough, she will wake up to reality and regret everything she’s done and lost. But it will be too late.
It’s a damn shame. A momentary lust breaks up a family and marriage and causes so much damage.
I hope you can find the strength to move forward and forge a new path for yourself.

DailyGratitude

Thank you, I appreciate it. Sadly I don't think she will wake up anytime soon. She's shown no indication of that so far, and she's incredibly stubborn, never willing to admit she is wrong. She compartmentalized her dual lives for a long time.

Troutman, I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I just want to say that I know how you feel. I was also cheated on and discarded by the person I loved and trusted. Who I thought was my best friend. I trusted him completely.

It hard when they just walk away. It makes it so, so much harder but I believe that they will in time regret it. It doesn’t mean that they will try to R, but their relationship was built on deception. Forever tainted. Wrong.

Sending you empathy. I understand completely.

Keep posting on SI, these wonderful people have kept me going in the darkest of times.

Summertime22
Thank you I appreciate the sentiments. I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. This is all still very new and raw to me, only being a month out. I too am glad I found SI. It's already been very helpful.

To all the new members here, I'm sorry you find yourself in this club. Its certainly a unique niche, within the infidelity club. My exWW (divorced now for over 4 yrs) was caught by me, and soon after, she made plans to move out leaving our children with me, but retaining 50/50 custody. She knew then, and still does, that what she did was so very ugly and shameful, and she couldn't at all reconcile it at the time. She was scared shitless of what I was going to do, to both her and the OP b/c I was not going to sit tight. I went to their work and filed a report.

Now that I'm 5 yrs plus out from Dday, and remarried, I want to let you all know that it gets easier and better. I too, had hope early on that she would wake up and come crawling back, that she would realize the follies of her ways, and the big mistake she was making discarding our marriage, kids and everything. We had a very good marriage, and from all accounts internal and external that was my reality. IF she was unhappy, she never fucken bothered to tell me. Now when I look back, just like everyone else said, she made up most of that bullshit to serve her narrative so she wouldn't look so bad. My biggest regret, was not divorcing her sooner, and wasting the additional 3-4 months sitting in hoping after Dday. I wish I had it in my to divorce her on day 1 and not look back, and that's what I want to share with you new members. Stop wasting your time, hoping they will some how realize they screwed up. The fact IS, they royally FUCKED UP. NO amount of your wishing, and waiting will change that.

I too realize that my pompous ex was wavering if she should stay or leave, choosing between me and her AP, and hoping it was me back then was a weak move. I should have sent her on her way, and helped her pack. You see, her AP is a serial cheater, and on top of that, his OBS told me that he has had inappropriate relations with many other women, including underage girls at his school. My ex did not win any prize, and she has to live with that now. She may never admit it to me, but I'd bet a fortune that she's not as happy as she envisioned.

I, on the other hand remarried a wonderful gal. She is in a different league then my ex. She's hotter, younger, has a better family, and a much better person. She is great with my kids, and my kids love her. That can not be said about my exes AP, who has moved in with her along with his brood. My life and relationships have improved like someone else said. I've learned a ton about myself, gotten stronger and am now happier than when I was with my ex. And if you read above, I had a pretty damn good marriage by my accounts.

Don't waste more of your days wishing your ex can return. Go NC, it will save you from heartache and pain. Don't go surfing their social media pages, that will just make you miserable. Work on yourself. Move yourself ahead and don't look back. Make improvements to yourself, b/c only you can. And when you get back on your feet, and feel fabulous, that might be when the ex wants to come back, and its too late. Or they may never want to come back, but that's okay too, b/c you would have moved on. YOu're a better version of yourself, and YOU are all that matters.

DailyGratitude- I hope you can change your way of thinking, and are able to shift your paradigm. Who fucken cares who your WH loves going forward. Love yourself enough to let that MFer go. You deserve so much more.