SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What an excruciating thing you are going through.

I think the shift toward prioritizing yourself and your mental health is the absolute best thing you can do right now.

I would also start making practical plans for what you would do in the event of a divorce. That was one of the best, healthiest things I did for myself, even though I didn’t want one and we ended up following the path of reconciliation.

I don’t think it’s helpful to make ultimatums to force another person to act, but his fence-sitting is emotionally abusive, and it’s not healthy or fair to you to keep yourself in the mix of this screwed up "choice" drama he’s manufacturing. It may be time to tell him "I’m a person, not one of multiple objects to be chosen among, and I’m going to act accordingly." You don’t have to specify what that means if you aren’t sure yet, but it takes some of your power back and allows you to turn away from his dysfunctional hand wringing nonsense and toward your own well-being.

I am so, so sorry.

He says it's like his mind is split in two and he is at war with himself. The idea of her is just escaping from the pain he's felt in our marriage, like a quick solution - because it's so complex and confusing here.

Just like The1stWife - I too have lived through this (although my WH was less transparent about it). The only thing you can do is take charge of you - that is it. The only thing that allowed my WH to pull his head out of his ass was consequences. IDK if you have been involved in an addiction intervention or watched the show Intervention - but it is the same concept - people will stay in a situation like this for AGES no matter how detrimental it is to others and to themselves when there are no immediate consequences.

The example you gave is a perfect one. WH says he is waiting for some signal the marriage is dead so he can go be in his "happy place" with AP. So you give him a big signal - hand him the rings and walk out. But then you come back in, and he takes the opportunity to reel you back. Why???

Would he have chased you down had you kept walking? Does he really not want to be done with you (if so, why say what he said)? Does he really want to leave and just wants to not feel as bad about it so he's hoping for some happier path? (My WH admitted to the last one - but when I really DID leave he changed his tune - real consequences. The 1stWife's story is similar). Is he really "so confused" that he thinks its okay to drag you along on this nightmare because he thinks he is such a catch? What outcome is he hoping for?

I would say - WHO CARES to all of these questions. The reality is that you have zero control about how he feels or what he is going to do. And you have TOTAL control over what you do. So, what are YOU going to do? Give him more time to "figure it out" (spoiler alert - this usually ends in disaster and always ends in more pain for you)? Stay and give him permission to continue the affair hoping you outlast it? Or leave and see if he tries to follow now or someday in the future? And if so, will you let him?

What your WS is doing is similar to what was done to me - and it is absolutely abusive. I suffered pretty severe PTSD as a result of all the lies and manipulation I ALLOWED my WH to perpetrate upon me by not leaving him - I am NOT blaming myself for staying longer, but I certainly regret not leaving sooner as I could have done so. The harm it caused me has taken a long time to heal. I wish I had been more concerned from my long term mental health than I was - I just didn't realize how much damage it was doing to me at the time. Please be more concerned for yourself and stop pandering to someone who clearly does not have your best interest at heart.

He cannot be the "good guy" in this scenario - so to the extent that is what he is after that ship long sailed. He is, just like my WH was back then, a selfish and self-serving ass_____. Your marriage and you are not to blame for his choice to have an affair instead of being an adult and dealing with whatever issues he may have actually had with you/your marriage before the A. It is not okay for him to drag you along in some wishy-washy bullshit woe-is-me nonsense until he, the abuser, makes his decision. And most importantly, he should not be allowed to waste your time - he needs to admit (and you should accept) that no amount of talking on your part is going to magically make him forget about the AP, or even make him want to - not really.

I don’t think it’s helpful to make ultimatums to force another person to act, but his fence-sitting is emotionally abusive, and it’s not healthy or fair to you to keep yourself in the mix of this screwed up "choice" drama he’s manufacturing.

I think the ultimatum you need to make is with yourself. Your WS likely doesn't see any reason to figure out his shit at IC because some part of him thinks he is in the wrong marriage, and/or that he met his soul-mate, and while he feels bad for you (his former soul-mate), he can't help it all. He is the victim here!

As you have heard, all of this is nonsense. I like to think of affairs as akin to a vacation-relationship where you meet someone for the first time when you are on vacation. When you meet someone on vacation, you are not in your "reality" and therefore your day to day rules don't apply. Your time together is short and you know it will be interrupted so you make the most of it - vacation time is usually fun, unmarred by real life things, you can put a side of yourself forward that may not be indicative of how you really are (I am a late night partier on vacation - which couldn't be further from the truth when I'm in normal time). Things on vacation are easy - but the reality is that you know very little about the person you met that is applicable to having a real relationship. As a good friend of mine used to say, if you don't find someone attractive on vacation, you are never going to.

While most vacation-relationships do not go any further, some in fact do become the real thing. Same with affairs. While most affairs don't mature into anything else, a few do. I have no idea what will happen with your WS and his affair. But what I do know is that he has decided that an affair is an acceptable out to his unhappiness (perceived or otherwise) so unless he deals with that HIMSELF, he is likely to repeat the same thing, or at best just hold in his unhappiness in the future. Stop giving him the choice - he does not hold all the cards here. While you cannot make him "choose you" - sticking around isn't going to help the process along either way. You need to choose you.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:09 PM, Tuesday, October 29th]

Very well said ThisIsSoLonely.

Experience shoes if you allow him time to figure out what he wants, he will never decide b/c the decision is final (and painful to make). Most cheaters will just continue to cheat for as long as the betrayed spouse will allow it.

Like ThisIsSoLonely said, this is emotionally abusive to live in limbo like this. And also it’s not acceptable or fair to be put into this situation.

YOU do not have to wait for the cheater to make a decision. It took me 3 months to figure that out. I kept giving him chances and I clearly remember telling my cheating husband he was no longer included in my charity event. I was going solo - without him. Well he wasn’t going to let that happen and came anyway.

The minute I started to pull away due to his cheating, he’d tell me back in. Just like you - you walked out and he reeled you back in.

A few months later I stopped believing his words and started seeing his words and actions don’t line up.

You cannot love someone yet choose to cheat on them. You don’t love someone and tell them ILYBNILWY (I love you but not in love with you) and blame them (the betrayed) for your feelings.

I hope this helps you at least understand you do have some power and control. I remember telling my H he had to leave - get out. We are done.

He refused. He wants to reconcile and I did not. I don’t know where I got the idea to do this (maybe it was my anger speaking) but I picked up the phone and called a friend and said he’s coming to stay with you for a few days — right in front of my H. I told our friend he’s been cheating on me and we are finished.

My H never ever thought I would have the audacity or inclination to do that. It set the tone for our reconciliation as well. He knew the seemingly impossible odds he faced to get me to change my mind on reconciliation. Like I said I did not make it easy.

I hope this helps you see you are not stuck in limbo. At least read up on the 180. Because I still do not do his laundry 11 years later. 😂

As others have said, usually the escapism and the adrenaline rush from the cheating (even if there is not a real connection with the AP) is enough to make it highly unlikely the WS will break away without concrete consequences.

Like others this was the path of my WH’s workplace cheating. Long story short mine was having inappropriate « friendship » with his secretary, yeah right. Said he would get rid of her within 3 months but needed to find her a soft landing because it was unfair to do otherwise. By giving him the 3 months I allowed them time to turn it physical.

When the deadline came he first tried to come up with nonsense solutions like having her come in at 10am and leave at 3pm….and that would help how? When he came back with this I had to say that was a fine idea but he would need to have his stuff out of the house within the week so the children and I could enjoy christmas without him. As with everyone else, drawing the hard line resulted in immediate turnaround. She was put on leave the next day and was out of the company within a month and a half.

He wasn’t wrong that it was a legally tricky situation but I was faaaaar to understanding for far too long.

Being understanding gets you exactly nowhere. Do not even attempt to get along with a foggy spouse still working with the AP. Workplace contact is incompatible with continuing your marriage in any reasonable way and I really think it is incompatible with you regaining your emotional equilibrium. It is just not going to happen, you will be too triggered.

It is true that you are not setting a boundary with them but with yourself. In my case it was simply informing my spouse that we would not be together as long as he was working at the same company as the AP. There is nothing I regret more than giving him 3 months to fix this situation. Should have been a week. But, you live and learn.